karma84 Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 I have recently found myself in an awkard situation. My boyfriend and I had a talk the other night about monogamy and I discovered we both had very different views on this subject. He told me that if I ever found myself in the situation where I was extremely attracted to another guy that I should come to him and tell him about these feelings and he would then condone my infidelity. I asked him if this would in turn bother him at all and he said that he gives me the freedom and I have the choice to take it 15 feet or walk all over him. He said that I have a good thing with him and he does not fear me straying, that he knows I will be coming home to him so he can feel confident in saying all of this. I asked him if he thought that script should be flipped... if he felt he should be able to have the same freedom and he said he was not like that (which I took to mean that he does not desire to be with anyone besides me). I am extremely confused... I don't know why he would ever condone that behavior. I know he has been cheated on alot in his past relationships... he told me in every relationship besides one (including a girl he was with having sex with two of his best friends).... and he may just be fearful of being cheated on behind his back and lied to once more, or in contrast he might just not care and may want to justify this behavior so he could in turn eventually act on his own impulses. Any advice is very much appreciated. Thanx, Karma Link to post Share on other sites
Kelebek Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 When I read your heading, I thought, god that's awful, he thinks it's fine to cheat on her.....but after reading your post, I realise I got the wrong idea. This poor guy sounds absolutely terrified of being hurt again. He's told you himself that he's been cheated on a lot, he's probably just testing the water with you, seeing what you think of cheating etc, to try and work out whether he's going to have his heart stamped on AGAIN. He doesn't sound like he has an ulterior motive...that is, to condone cheating so that he can turn round and do it one day. I think he's just trying to feel in control for once. Tell him you have absolutely NO intention of cheating on him, if you have any past experiences where someone cheated on you, tell him how much it hurt and that you'd never do that to someone you care about. Just be patient with his insecurities, and try to ease them. Try and remember it's not YOU he has no faith in, it's just relationships, so like I said, be patient with him. I know it'd be easy to snap at him. He's just worried about getting hurt, like everyone else I suppose - after all, "Once burned, twice shy." And he's been burned lots of times!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 i wouldnt be able to deal with that at all. i would go find someone with the same views as you. what he doesnt realize is that there ARE girls out there that wont cheat on him..... Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 If you read your post carefully it sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy who loves you very much. It also sounds like he is one of the walking wounded. He has been betrayed in a horrible way in the past and feels he has lost all control . He sounds like he still in a lot of pain. I think you took his answer all wrong. He loves you but craves truth and honesty in a relationship that he has never had. He wants to believe in you and your relationship. I am sure in the past he has said he wanted a monogamous relationship and it still did not do him any good. The bottom line is that if people want to cheat they will cheat and he desperately wants some control in his life. I think he wants you to talk to him so he can fix it if possible since it has happened to him so often in the past. In short, I think you took it all wrong and he loves you very much. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 sounds to me like he's trying in a misguided way to tell you that he trusts you. By using the one thing he fears the most (being cheated on) and offering you the freedom to do it, he's coving all bases. If you cheat, then fine, it's not as if he's asked you for a commitment to him alone. If you don't cheat, he wins again because you're faithful. If you guys are in a somewhat committed relationship, tell him you appreciate the offer, but he's more than enough for you to handle, that you don't need any distractions. That lets him know you're focused on him and your relationship, and not interested in others. Link to post Share on other sites
LAT1980 Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 i would advise you to proceed with caution as he may care about you intensely but he is not ready to commit yet as he may be scared of commitment or doesn't think he is ready to commit himself. proceed with caution. ask him for reasons why and if they aren't satisfactory get out as painful as that may be. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ItsOKtoSay Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 I have the same kind of idea about cheating. Fact is it happens. Fact is it has probably happened to all of us. I want all lines of communication to be open. Anything and Everything. Especially cheating, the conversation with you significant other, was a way to keep those lines open. No matter what. A guilty conscious will most likely cause a negative energy the relationship later. Most relationship problems have to do with jealously. Take that mind set away and trust in communication will stay. Might as well get it out in the open. Anything can be situation can be dealt with. That is if you even have the opportunity to know about it. Also I think it should be my choice whether or not I wish to continue the relationship. This decision would depend on the relationship and how much my significant other meant to me. If I felt that the relationship really had no future. Then I would walk away. It's not very often in this life we find someone that we allowed close to our hearts. A totally physically open relationship is where my opinion differ's . Either that person really cares about you or they are not happy with them self's and desire affection any way they can get it. I forgot the another side is that they really don't give a hoot what you do. Whatever your doing is all they need for the time being. Then they'll throw you aside. Doctor would probably ask if he has ever been sexually assaulted. They say someone that is willing to say in a negative environment that has no security. Continues a lifetime of self punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 I think it's just an excuse so that he can cheat too. I can't imagine anyone - guy or girl - that could condone cheating if they really cared about their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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