elouise Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 I have a bit of a problem. I think my boyfriend of 3months may be in the closet. I dont want to go into too much detail but what would be the main signs that a guy is in the closet? Sorry for being so unspecific Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 I think it would be a lot easier if you give us examples of what you are talking about, then maybe we'll be able to give you a bit more leadway into your situation. There's no patented guidelines that people adhere to when "in the closet". Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 There is no one formula. He might be if he looks at the men passing while you're walking down the street, if he's not really interested in images of naked ladies, if he has several gay friends or lots of women friends and few straight male pals. Of course there's the stereotype; if he hates sports, loves arts, is great-looking, has great hair, and is meticulous about his appearance as well as being a good cook and decorator, weep. He's the perfect guy but he's likely gay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elouise Posted September 22, 2003 Author Share Posted September 22, 2003 Well, ive given him plenty of chances to say he want things to end and that hes not interested but hes become increasingly determined to let me know that he loves being with me but when it comes down to physical contact it is minimal on his part or superficial. With anything else I initiate it and it seems more like a chore for him. We haven't even had sex yet because he says he doesn't want things to move too fast. But his actions just make me feel like he doesn't really want me, which totally contradicts what he says to me..Im just really confused and I don't want to be something for him to hide behind. Hes had quite a few girlfriends in the past so its not that hes shy or dosen't know how thing work. Any advice would be great Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 so its not that hes shy or dosen't know how thing work How do you know this? Did he tell you they had lots of sex or are you just assuming? Link to post Share on other sites
Author elouise Posted September 22, 2003 Author Share Posted September 22, 2003 He told me about past relationships, and that included sex. Sure I don't know if hes really into it-I suppose he could be one of those people that don't like it but I've asked him and he said he thinks about it alot Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 First off, how old are you guys? Secondly, maybe he just isn't into things as much as you are. Actions do speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 he said he thinks about it alot Meaning? Really, we can't fix this for you. You need to talk to him a lot more and be prepared for answers you might not like. Ask him the hard questions - how come you two don't have sex as much as he used to? Is it that he doesn't like something you do? You could even tell him your suspicion if he doesn't come up with some satisfying answers. Maybe there's something about you two having sex that he doesn't like or that makes him uncomfortable and he can't figure out how to bring it up. You have to take the bull by the horns and hash it out with him. Actions do speak louder than words. Not always. Lots of people are held back by fear no matter how much they want something. You need words to talk about actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elouise Posted September 22, 2003 Author Share Posted September 22, 2003 Im 20 and hes 27. I know I need to talk to him...I going to but I just keep feeling like maybe Im overreacting, then, when I talk to older experienced friends or my mum I feel like an idiot for putting up with this relationship in general. Its not like im majorly bothered by the lack of action its just what it means that bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 what would be the main signs that a guy is in the closet? Well, when you go to get a clean shirt, if there's a bloke in there.. Sorry, sorry, couldn't help myself. Anyways. First of all, as a guy I'm almost offended that your suspicion of him being gay is purely because he won't by physically intimate with YOU, despite an apparantly healthy hetero sexual history. Rant over. Okay, you're still fairly vague, but there's a couple of things that might be at work here. First up, fear of intimacy. Could be that your man is self conscious about himself... maybe he's got a bit of self esteem issues - have clothes been shed yet? Believe it or not, we can be self conscious about our looks too, and might be afraid that his 27 year old bones might not be up to the metal of the 19-20 year olds you've been with previously (says the decrepit 29 year old!) Second... there could have been a bit of an.. um.. issue with his last girl. Impotence, or premature ejaculation. Maybe. Third.. this again is pure speculation, and kind of a worst case scenario, but maybe he just doesn't find you physically attractive. It happens. Four.. some people, men and women, just aren't as bothered with sex as other people. Or they go through phases where it's just not that important. I myself went through a six month period of this, it just kinda lost it's sheen. Then I met a girl in Dublin with a pierced tongue back in 95 who did things with her fingers, and... Ahem. Anyways, there's four possible reasons for this. none of which involve him secretly having Westlife posters on his wall. The only way to find out for sure is to sit down with him, and have a chat about it like adults. It's scary, and frankly a bit embarassing, but it's the only real way to solve it. Just tell him that you've been together three months, you know that he likes you, you know that he's nervous and wants to take things slow, but that you belive sex to be a very important part of any relationship (which it is) and that you think there might be an issue, and you'd like to discuss it. In the meantime... does anyone know where I can get a phonebook for Dublin? Link to post Share on other sites
songwriter Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 he probably has an std. he's afraid to tell you yet. he doesn't want you to judge him or jump to conclusions. basically he likes you and is afraid his crotch nasties are gonna freak ya out. Link to post Share on other sites
PaganDavid Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Does he have impeccable taste very well manneredis he exceptionally good-looking? Ask him who Dorothy Gale is. And last but not least does he like Judy Garland? Sorry boys and girls I just had to throw that in LOL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Wait a second... I've got impeccable taste! I'm very well mannered! I'm exceptionally good looking! I know who Dorothy Gale is!! Does that mean I... no wait, can't stand Judy Garland. Phew. Thought I was in for a major lifestyle change there. Link to post Share on other sites
PaganDavid Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Well when you're gay its certainly easier to get laid, plus if you are smart your partner will be the same size as you doubling your wardrobe Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Ah, therein lies the rub, there isn't enough room in my closet for double the clothes, since elouise's boyfriend is already in there... Link to post Share on other sites
PaganDavid Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 Well your a cartoon can't you just draw yourself a bigger closet? Always wondered where cork came from. For some reason I always save them. Soon all have enough to float to Ireland. By the way your Irish probably, do you speak gay lick LOL Link to post Share on other sites
songwriter Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 "i don't care" said pierre, "i'm from france." Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 27, 2003 Share Posted September 27, 2003 Heheh, I don't even begin to know where to respond to that!! Link to post Share on other sites
songwriter Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 then my job is done Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Love the new avatar, Gaz. Cute! Link to post Share on other sites
PaganDavid Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Gaz put the cartoon picture back its much better looking LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 David, you're going to burn in the hell you apparantly don't believe in! Thanks Cindy, at least SOMEONE here's got my back! (Sniff!) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 He's just jealous, Gaz. Pay him no mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Ah, but how can you ignore someone who's apparantly having an intimate moment with his dog? (Speaking of pics!) Link to post Share on other sites
The Velvet Vixen Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Elouise, is it possible that this guy lied about his romantic history? Maybe he's never had sex or even a GF before he met you due to his shyness, and he's afraid that you would reject him if physical contact revealed his inexperience. The more secure he feels in the relationship, the more likely it is that he will open up to you. You can help him get to this point by reassuring him that you really do care for him and wouldn't dump him on a whim. Link to post Share on other sites
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