Any women left who take their vows seriously???

[Sands_of_time]

I know there are women out there who still take their vows seriously. I know I'm one of them. Giving up on a relationship for the sake of.. " I've changed...I need someone with goals" Is an excuse that will come up in every marriage your in. We all sit here and say it should be one way and not the other.....but I truly think any relationship has constant work. I mean any relationship..whether it be marriage, friendship, family, etc. EVERYONE changes throughout their life...but that is not a bad thing at all. It's what each person does with it..that matters.

 

Were so used to hearing marriage has to be a certain way. I know as a woman for the longest time I thought that your husband had to wine and dine you everyday, and if he didn't...then well I deserved better. I deserved the knight and shinning armor at all times....if he wouldn't do it...then I should go find someone else to do it. That's the problem....it doesn't nor should it be that way. We all know what we need to feel "emotionally fulfilled" instead of asking for it, or trying to make it happen ourselves we make excuses of why it's the other person's fault. I know for me, I made the excuses, because I didn't want to admit weakness. In the long run it has not made me any happier. If I want to be happy, then I sure as hell should be sitting down making it happen. I can't rely on my spouse to make me feel "pretty, valued, etc" I need to do it myself!!

 

I know my thoughts are all over the place in this post...but I know all relationships are work. Think of your family relationships...friends...do they all stay the same all through out your relationship with them? No...of course not...we tend to adapt easier to those relationship changes, because we think...it's my mom I have to love her no matter what. So you listen to her needs and adapt your behavior in a way you would get along with your mom. Shouldn't all relationships be that way? I'm not saying we all have to go around changing for everyone in our lives, but would it hurt to put the same effort in all of them?

 

I guess I can't get my words out right to make my point. I'm just trying to say...that we all run when it gets tough. We don't want to stay and work for a solution...when we can just blame the other person for not making us happy and move onto to someone else...who will supposedly make us happy. I just don't believe that's true..taking accountability for my own happiness is what it should be. If I don't make me happy and take charge of my emotions...then I will be searching for husband after husband still thinking the next one will make me happy. If you don't fix you or the relationship your in...you will always have the same emotional issues in every relationship.

 

If none of this makes sense..I completely understand...I'm not good with putting my thoughts into words. They always sound awesome in my head!!!

 

Jen-Smitty, I swear you are reading my mind. Those exact same thoughts are in my mind and have been for quite some time.

[Sands_of_time]

It may sound strange coming from someone who's been married 3 times, but I do take marriage vows very seriously. I have, however, never walked away from any relationship without giving the person the chance to stop whatever behavior they're doing that will cause me to walk out the door. I don't understand why anyone would just walk away without discussing it first.

 

I have never second-guessed myself for leaving those marriages, though. Once I actually left, I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. Because by that time, I knew the relationship wasn't workable. But all the failed relationships have left their mark on me. I'm very afraid of getting involved with anyone again. I think I'm just a bad judge of character but each time I had to walk away, it nearly destroyed me. I don't want to go through it again.

 

Angel, did you walk away all three times? What were your reasons for each?

[eclipseIDE]

I know there are women out there who still take their vows seriously. I know I'm one of them. Giving up on a relationship for the sake of.. " I've changed...I need someone with goals" Is an excuse that will come up in every marriage your in. We all sit here and say it should be one way and not the other.....but I truly think any relationship has constant work. I mean any relationship..whether it be marriage, friendship, family, etc. EVERYONE changes throughout their life...but that is not a bad thing at all. It's what each person does with it..that matters.

 

Were so used to hearing marriage has to be a certain way. I know as a woman for the longest time I thought that your husband had to wine and dine you everyday, and if he didn't...then well I deserved better. I deserved the knight and shinning armor at all times....if he wouldn't do it...then I should go find someone else to do it. That's the problem....it doesn't nor should it be that way. We all know what we need to feel "emotionally fulfilled" instead of asking for it, or trying to make it happen ourselves we make excuses of why it's the other person's fault. I know for me, I made the excuses, because I didn't want to admit weakness. In the long run it has not made me any happier. If I want to be happy, then I sure as hell should be sitting down making it happen. I can't rely on my spouse to make me feel "pretty, valued, etc" I need to do it myself!!

 

I know my thoughts are all over the place in this post...but I know all relationships are work. Think of your family relationships...friends...do they all stay the same all through out your relationship with them? No...of course not...we tend to adapt easier to those relationship changes, because we think...it's my mom I have to love her no matter what. So you listen to her needs and adapt your behavior in a way you would get along with your mom. Shouldn't all relationships be that way? I'm not saying we all have to go around changing for everyone in our lives, but would it hurt to put the same effort in all of them?

 

I guess I can't get my words out right to make my point. I'm just trying to say...that we all run when it gets tough. We don't want to stay and work for a solution...when we can just blame the other person for not making us happy and move onto to someone else...who will supposedly make us happy. I just don't believe that's true..taking accountability for my own happiness is what it should be. If I don't make me happy and take charge of my emotions...then I will be searching for husband after husband still thinking the next one will make me happy. If you don't fix you or the relationship your in...you will always have the same emotional issues in every relationship.

 

If none of this makes sense..I completely understand...I'm not good with putting my thoughts into words. They always sound awesome in my head!!!

 

 

For someone who said "I know my thoughts are all over the place in this post" you couldnt have explained it better.

[eclipseIDE]

I think every situation is different and maybe everyone doesn't tell all the details or maybe they ignore the real signs or forget?

 

I told my husband for over a year that I was extremely unhappy and several times asked him to come to counseling with me and he refused. The last time I asked him he told me he didn't need "no fu*king counselor" to tell him how to live his marriage. It was after that, that it was suggested to me that he was a big part of my stress and anxiety and wasn't willing to work on the marriage. Six months later I made the decision to leave him. He begged and cried for over 2 months but I was beyond forgiving, repairing or trying. I had tried for over a year and he didn't. He left it too late and passed up the chances I had offered. After 18 years together and 12 years of marriage I left him and never looked back.

 

So I myself tried to work on the marriage and took my vows seriously. I believe in staying together and working on stuff, but it has to be a two way street. you can't work on a relationship if only one is willing to work on it while the other thinks nothing needs to be worked on.

 

 

 

Why do you blame your unhappiness on your husband? Did he cheat on you, insult you, hit you?

[theBrokenMuse]

And if he tried in his own way, but you were disinclined or emotionally incapable of recognizing his efforts?

 

Nope, unless 'his own way' would fall under complete and utter apathy towards the marriage. He's done nothing, in words or actions other than blameshift and drag his feet. Honestly, I think he wants to be single but is too much of a coward to admit that he doesn't want his family because of the way others would perceive him so he makes things unbearable for me hoping that I'd eventually be the one to breakaway for the sake of my own sanity. That way he comes out of this looking like the victim, which actually is a pattern for him. Everything is always someone else's fault. He does no wrong.

[Angel1111]

Angel, did you walk away all three times? What were your reasons for each?

 

Yes, I was the one who walked away each time.

 

Train Wreck #1

We were in a cultish religion that I no longer wanted to be in. I knew that if I left the religion, he would stay and our lives would be hell. There were also other factors - he wasn't very driven, didn't understand how to function in the real world and this caused him to get angry about things easily, and all of this was really due to the religion. They keep people sheltered and it cripples them for any kind of future. I saw it all the time while I was in the religion. They were very much against college, also. My ex was basically a good man and a good husband. I saw him recently and he apologized to me for the way he treated me. He said he never acted that way again with anyone else. I told him that we were just young and stupid and had way too many factors against us. He did leave the religion, after all (but he wouldn't have if we had remained married), has become pretty successful, and like me, he has been married 3 times and is now single. Funny, huh? I'm not in the least bit attracted to him anymore, though, so getting back together isn't something that interests me. (7 yr marriage)

 

Train Wreck #2

Two words: control freak. I had a child in this marriage and it nearly killed me to walk away from it because it goes completely against my thinking and upbringing. But he is truly a crazy-maker and very, very controlling. I talked to him about our marriage over and over until I couldn't talk anymore. We went to counseling. We talked some more. Our son is now 18 and he can't deal with his father, either. They have a very challenging relationship, to say the least. Our son is a very stable teen, an honor student, varsity swimmer, etc., but he can never please his dad. Other members of my ex's family also have very little to do with him because he's so difficult and judgemental. His loss. (6 yr marriage)

 

Train Wreck #3

Two words again: verbally abusive. He was a super-intellect but had the emotional intelligence of a 2-yr-old. He also cheated on me just after our 1st anniversary. Our marriage lasted 4 yrs and we only lived together half that time (not consecutively). It was an extremely tumultuous relationship. I'm so glad to be away from him I could jump for joy every day of my life. (4 yr marriage)

 

Honestly, my first husband was the best husband I had. I still think of him as my friend because we've known each other since I was in 7th grade. We had a good friendship but there was a lot of other things missing in the relationship. Marriage has just never worked out for me. My parents were married 51 yrs and died within days of one another. I compare my life to theirs quite often and feel like such a failure. I love being with someone but the circumstances of my marriages made it impossible, from my standpoint. My parents were happy and didn't hurt or control one another. I don't believe marriage should be a prison - and that's the way every one of my marriages made me feel, in one way or another.

[eclipseIDE]

Yes, I was the one who walked away each time.

 

Train Wreck #1

We were in a cultish religion that I no longer wanted to be in. I knew that if I left the religion, he would stay and our lives would be hell. There were also other factors - he wasn't very driven, didn't understand how to function in the real world and this caused him to get angry about things easily, and all of this was really due to the religion. They keep people sheltered and it cripples them for any kind of future. I saw it all the time while I was in the religion. They were very much against college, also. My ex was basically a good man and a good husband. I saw him recently and he apologized to me for the way he treated me. He said he never acted that way again with anyone else. I told him that we were just young and stupid and had way too many factors against us. He did leave the religion, after all (but he wouldn't have if we had remained married), has become pretty successful, and like me, he has been married 3 times and is now single. Funny, huh? I'm not in the least bit attracted to him anymore, though, so getting back together isn't something that interests me. (7 yr marriage)

 

Train Wreck #2

Two words: control freak. I had a child in this marriage and it nearly killed me to walk away from it because it goes completely against my thinking and upbringing. But he is truly a crazy-maker and very, very controlling. I talked to him about our marriage over and over until I couldn't talk anymore. We went to counseling. We talked some more. Our son is now 18 and he can't deal with his father, either. They have a very challenging relationship, to say the least. Our son is a very stable teen, an honor student, varsity swimmer, etc., but he can never please his dad. Other members of my ex's family also have very little to do with him because he's so difficult and judgemental. His loss. (6 yr marriage)

 

Train Wreck #3

Two words again: verbally abusive. He was a super-intellect but had the emotional intelligence of a 2-yr-old. He also cheated on me just after our 1st anniversary. Our marriage lasted 4 yrs and we only lived together half that time (not consecutively). It was an extremely tumultuous relationship. I'm so glad to be away from him I could jump for joy every day of my life. (4 yr marriage)

 

Honestly, my first husband was the best husband I had. I still think of him as my friend because we've known each other since I was in 7th grade. We had a good friendship but there was a lot of other things missing in the relationship. Marriage has just never worked out for me. My parents were married 51 yrs and died within days of one another. I compare my life to theirs quite often and feel like such a failure. I love being with someone but the circumstances of my marriages made it impossible, from my standpoint. My parents were happy and didn't hurt or control one another. I don't believe marriage should be a prison - and that's the way every one of my marriages made me feel, in one way or another.

 

 

All these men hid there personalities until you were married? There was no clue as the type of person they were before you got married?

[Angel1111]

All these men hid there personalities until you were married? There was no clue as the type of person they were before you got married?

 

Everyone asks this question. Yes and no. I'm not including my 1st husband in this because immaturity played too much of a role between us and he's a good guy. As for the others, they hid their true selves pretty well until we were married. My 2nd husband changed drastically once our son was born. My 3rd husband showed me his real side within 2 mos. But from my current perspective today, I can see that there were signs and that's why I say that I was a bad judge of character. I didn't understand the signs and didn't understand how badly people could behave. That bad judgement cost me dearly. Today, I can spot people like them from a 100 miles away.

[SerenityX2]

ME Buster!!! I do, I do, I DO!!

 

Both my husband are in this till death. Now since divorce is not an option that doesn't mean "omg I'm stuck with this ball and chain and now I'm miserable" Quite the opposite, we make a decision to have fun. Make sure we keep with date nights, we still woo each other, we keep things spontaneous, I still get butterflies when I see him and he says the same of me.

 

I think the key is to find someone with similar values...the same moral compass. We both were cheated on in our previous marriages. Ironically though neither of us believed or wanted a divorce, both of us were the ones to finally end the marriages. Infidelity is a dealbreaker. (and there was also abuse from my exH) We're aware affairs are out there so we make the choice of not crossing boundaries, we don't keep our heads in the sand, but what we have is far greater than to mess with or honestly even have the desire to mess with. Plus the majority of our friends are in good marriages, so it's easy to not be jaded.

 

Life is rough, I'm in school so finances and in this economy are tight. I lost my mom in September, school is beyond stressful. (I'm on break for a week right now so I'm jazzed whooo!) But through it all, we're each other's rock, we are the sanctuary from the world.

 

I don't think this site is going to accurately portray the happily marrieds and people who absolutely honor their vows. This site can understandbly make some people jaded.

 

I've tried to help out on the OW site as I found this place searching for info for a patient to try to understand the mindset. (her husband was cheating and she was destroyed) I learned a lot, but I've also learned the majority although miserable do not want to change, they'd rather stay in fantasy and have validation rather than find true happiness from within.

 

Anyway I'm starting to see it's really futile to try to help those that refuse. And honestly the stories are all so similar with slight variations, so there's always going to be that "someone" that thinks they'll beat the odds and their story is different but alas, it's not. And the circle of madness continues. Really it's pointless to stay and help I guess, sad but true.

 

Anyway I say all that b/c I think that the younger generations 20's and 30's are quick to throw in the towel. Mommy and Daddy may have told them that they deserve everything no matter if it hurts others. So people keep seeking for others to make them happy, but that's not how it works.

 

So if they aren't getting this or that need met instead of talking it out, they avoid the conflict and find it elsewhere. Or also common marry w/o really knowing or thinking it through then "oops he/she doesn't like sex as much now I'm upset". You should know the basics of who you are marrying not every day to day detail, but at least compatibility, faith views, world views, the big stuff. I also can't believe how many will say they married but never were "in love" with him/her but just settled. Makes no sense to me.

 

So anyway yep, we're out there, I kinda feel like I'm in whoville sometimes with "we are here, we are here" but the misery of this site drowns out the happy voices.

 

Good luck...keep the faith.

[BusterBrown]

Thanks, serenity. It was really nice to hear your story. You sound like you really have your head on straight. It sounds like your husband is really lucky to have found you. I will keep the faith. I know there are billions of women out there, I just need to be extremely selective this time.

[Jen-Smitty]

Jen-Smitty, I swear you are reading my mind. Those exact same thoughts are in my mind and have been for quite some time.

 

 

I'm glad I'm not completely crazy...lol

 

I think the hardest thing is looking at yourself, and trying to figure out what you can do to make yourself happy. Once I figured it out through trial and error...it seems like I enjoy even the little things 10 x more....

[IndieJones2]

Hi,

So sorry to hear you're feeling this way and it's always hard when relationships break up to have faith again that things will work out. I can only speak from personal experience and can honestly say there are some of us nice girls out there still. Can relate totally to what you are saying as I have wondered the same but about guys recently :-) no offence.

 

Keep an interest in you and your life, give love to those who are deserving of your love...and never forget, you are special....maybe your life chapter with that person was only meant to be for a short time...and new happiness is just around the corner x