Am I just kidding myself?

[justnotcertain]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if I could get an outside opinion on my situation.

 

I've been talking to this guy online for 2 years. I like him a lot and he says he cares about me too. The problem? We don't talk as much as we used to.

He says he's busy and while I understood in the beginning, it got worse and now the time between each e-mail is more than uncomfortable. I've told him how I feel about this, but it carries on. An e-mail to me isn't just an e-mail, it shows he's thinking of me and he cares about me but he doesn't seem to understand that.

(To give you some idea, we used to talk on an IM every night.. now he e-mails me once every two/three weeks.)

 

This year I was hoping to get some money together and visit him.. but would it be crazy and stupid to put all of that energy/time/money into somebody who can't even find the time to send me an e-mail once a week? Or do I need to chill out and understand he's got a busy lifestyle?

 

Also, something that's bothering me is we never officially became a 'relationship'. I don't refer to him as my boyfriend, he doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend - but i'm sure deep down we both feel it. Is it worth me mentioning this, or will this just pressure him?

 

I think another factor that doesn't help is i'm unemployed at the moment and have been for a while, and so I have forgotten what it's like to be in a busy full-time job. On the other hand, this could just be an alibi i'm making up for him to excuse his behavior because I can't handle the alternative (that he doesn't like me any more).

 

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

[Eyeofthoth]

If I understand you correctly, you have never met this person in real life?

 

Then, yes, you are kidding yourself . . . about the whole thing!

 

It is not a real relationship. It is a fantasy relationship, and now it is apparently not even a good fantasy relationship.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the internet is not the real world.

[TMichaels]

I think you need to give some thought to the worst-case scenario -- i.e.

that he's just not into you."

 

However, having said that, there's only one way to find out if all this twisting in the wind is for naught -- ask him where you stand.

 

I know you're the one sitting at home with not much to do, but use all that "think time" to your advantage when you broach the subject with him.

 

Tell him that you've been doing a lot of soul-searching these last few months about your life and where you're headed. Tell him if he'd like be part of your life, you need to know that, otherwise you plan to move on.

 

See what his reaction is to that, and you'll have your answer...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Island Girl]

We don't talk as much as we used to.

 

How often do you talk? By phone or web - how often?

 

He says he's busy and while I understood in the beginning, it got worse and now the time between each e-mail is more than uncomfortable. I've told him how I feel about this, but it carries on.

 

It is always a problem if you express unhappiness about something and your significant other turns a deaf ear to it. Certainly it can be even more difficult in an LDR.

 

If you have discussed it ad nauseam it may be time for you to really evaluate how much your are getting out of this relationship.

Certainly if you don't feel supported of cared for then it may really be the time to move on.

 

An e-mail to me isn't just an e-mail, it shows he's thinking of me and he cares about me but he doesn't seem to understand that.

 

It absolutely does. And you better believe he knows that.

He may be taking you for granted. Or he may be focused elsewhere for whatever reason.

 

(To give you some idea, we used to talk on an IM every night.. now he e-mails me once every two/three weeks.)

 

OUCH! I am surprised you have stuck with this! Once every two to three weeks! That is not a relationship. that is a pen pal.

 

I think anyone would have a SERIOUS problem with such little communication. When he does send you an e-mail is it a book? Is it taking him hours to write it or is it the average stuff?

 

I would rethink being together with this guy. To me that just isn't an effort AT ALL. And if a guy isn't putting in effort then why would I waste my time?

 

This year I was hoping to get some money together and visit him.. but would it be crazy and stupid to put all of that energy/time/money into somebody who can't even find the time to send me an e-mail once a week? Or do I need to chill out and understand he's got a busy lifestyle?

 

I wouldn't spend a cent to visit him. I wouldn't spend any amount of money for contact or ANYTHING.

 

If you are truly looking at a once a week e-mail as okay then you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you are willing to settle for so little.

 

Don't you deserve it ALL? Someone who can't wait to hear the sound of your voice, who misses you all the time and can't wait to see you or spend time with you?

 

Of course you do!

 

Also, something that's bothering me is we never officially became a 'relationship'. I don't refer to him as my boyfriend, he doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend - but i'm sure deep down we both feel it. Is it worth me mentioning this, or will this just pressure him?

 

At this point the label doesn't matter. Even if you were to straighten it out and he confirmed you are his girlfriend all you are really getting is a word.

 

What you really want is the actions and feelings that are associated with that word. You aren't getting that now and the word won't change that.

 

You may want to discuss it with him. If it were me I'd wash my hands of him and just be done. There are too many men out there to put up with a slug who doesn't understand how special I am, how lucky he is to have me, and that he better put in the effort to keep me.

 

I think another factor that doesn't help is i'm unemployed at the moment and have been for a while,

 

So you certainly do not need to be spending money on visiting someone who can't seem to carve out any amount of time for you!

 

and so I have forgotten what it's like to be in a busy full-time job. On the other hand, this could just be an alibi i'm making up for him to excuse his behavior because I can't handle the alternative (that he doesn't like me any more).

 

I think you really are making excuses for him and accepting very poor behavior from him.

 

Why? What if you didn't get that short meaningless e-mail every two to three weeks? How much would your life really change? Not much.

 

But it WOULD allow you to actively pursue something more meaningful and perhaps a fulfilling supportive relationship with a man that demonstrates consistently that he is enamored with you.

 

You deserve that don't you?

[KikiW]

Adding my voice to agree with previous comments.

 

Contact once ever 2-3 weeks is way too little to consider this anything more than an online friendship. Spending money now while you are unemployed is ill-advised.

 

It's a shame that he can't be more open and truthful as to his reasons for distancing himself, and you could certainly try to find out, but the reality is he is not showing an interest in a deep, meaningful relationship. If he was, he would be in contact more, and perhaps working on a way to visit YOU, particularly knowing your unemployed status.

 

I'm sorry, it's very disappointing when things don't work out like you want them too.

[LavendarGirl]

Perhaps at the beginning this was a budding online relationship in the stages of infatuation. It sounds like he's moved on, for whatever reason, while you feel like this relationship can (or should) move into something more serious.

 

Certainly you two may have potential if you met in person and took the relationship to another level. But you aren't there, and you can't assume it is what he wants.

 

However, with sporadic communication, he is certainly NOT acting like this is a romantic relationship.

 

Maybe some time in the future you two can meet in person, and if the sparks fly and you are both available...well, then...who knows. But for now, consider this one dead in the water.

[justnotcertain]

It's very difficult to admit that i'm kidding myself and have been all along.

I don't have very good self-esteem at all and nobody has ever approached me offline for a relationship - in fact i've been bullied a lot by guys, so I think that's why it felt so special when this guy was interested in me and that's why i'm settling for less.

I'd have given anything for this to work, but when I take a step back I realise it's not going to because he's just not interested.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and replies (particularly Island Girl). I realize i've got to stop damaging myself with him.

[Island Girl]

OH YOU ARE SO WELCOME JUSTNOTCERTAIN!

 

You know confidence has a lot to do with attractiveness. Is there a place in your day to day life where you do feel competent and confident? Maybe creatively? Just find something that you feel great about (that makes you feel so good about YOU) and start building on that. Act confidently (fake it 'til you make it) even if you don't necessarily feel that way and it will become easier to carry yourself that way. It really does work.

 

You deserve to be happy just like anyone else on this planet. Remember to tell yourself that. I am sure you have many wonderful qualities in such a combination that makes you truly special and unique. But no one will see that unless you let it shine through.

 

You just haven't blossomed yet. Remember what they say those who blossom last bloom the longest. Now is your chance to have the life you really want.

[You'reasian]

Act confidently (fake it 'til you make it) even if you don't necessarily feel that way and it will become easier to carry yourself that way. It really does work.

 

I can agree with everything else the Island Girl posted, except the above. If you carry yourself a certain way it should be because you've earned/achieved/accomplished something tangible that translates into who you are or who you are becoming, atleast.

 

Think about what you've accomplished or achieved that's worth remembering and realize how great that was.

 

If you fake confidence, some of us guys can pick it up and it might be misinterpreted and it can work against you.

 

Above all else, do something great and feel good about it.

 

Later

[steveraves]

Everyone has pretty much said what I think, but I still wanted to add some thoughts.

 

You've been talking to the guy online for 2 years so I can infer that he doesn't live anywhere close to you. Long distance relationships are difficult to begin with.

 

While I believe that you can meet people online that you have a lot in common with and develop feelings for. Like someone said above to some extent it is a fantasy relationship. While I believe the emotional part of it is real and genuine ONLINE, that connection may not translate in "real" life.

 

I have developed feelings in the past for people I've met online through IM, and those feelings were reciprocated, but for the most part they're short lived. When you can't be with them in person they just become difficult if not impossible to maintain.

[Joyvke]

It's very difficult to admit that i'm kidding myself and have been all along.

I don't have very good self-esteem at all and nobody has ever approached me offline for a relationship - in fact i've been bullied a lot by guys, so I think that's why it felt so special when this guy was interested in me and that's why i'm settling for less.

I'd have given anything for this to work, but when I take a step back I realise it's not going to because he's just not interested.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and replies (particularly Island Girl). I realize i've got to stop damaging myself with him.

 

I wonder what age you are. You don't sound very young. If guys bullied you doesn't mean you should have a low self esteem. Everyone is pretty for one another. I've been bullied by lots of guys, but at the same time I've been praised by others. I'm sure if you would work on your self esteem things might go much better and you meet some guy that will be interested in you irl .

 

Don't settle for that less contact, as someone said, it is just a penpal. Good luck!