Wicked Child Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I know guys have different signals for when they are attracted to a woman, or just want some random fun...I'm hoping to gain some insight on a situation of mine by asking what you guys do when you are genuinely interested in someone, or when you just want to take someone home for a night or two. Everyone is different, and I'm sure the forum is getting sick of me asking about this, but I'm just at a total loss for how to act...Not quite sure if I should step up my game and be a little more vocal in what I'd like, or if I should still play it cool and make him chase a little more...Don't want to get all super attentive and scare him away, but I have a feeling dude is genuinely interested, and don't want to seem like I just want a little fun... Things are going rather slowly....slept together once...made out a few times...but we've been constantly chatting and swapping dirty texts for the past month and a half....I can't really think that the attraction could just be sexual...not after the way he was gazing at me and grabbing my hand... But I could be totally wrong, cos this is an entirely new ball game I'm in.... So, what do you do to express interest in someone??? Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Ok well, you've already slept with him, so you don't need to be enlightened about physical attraction Now, does he ask a lot of questions about you? Does he try to get to know you in depth? Does he ask questions about your past? Your future plans? Your family? Your past relationships? Does he ask how your day went? Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I'm not a guy. So take this for what it's worth. First off - have you been on dates or has your relationship been purely sexual? Second - Guys have an easier time separating sex from genuine affection so that look in his eyes could just be "oh how i love her jugs." third - just tell him you aren't into having just a sexual relationship and ask him where he stands. don't trick him into thinking that you're cool with it when you're not by acting "cool". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Child Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Well, we haven't had an actual date...we've hung out a couple times, but that's it...He has yet to make a late night booty call, so for what that's worth... Also, I don't mind if things stay purely sexual...Hey, I gotta get my jollies too, yanno...For lack of better explanation, I'll take what I can get....the attraction is there from both ends, so I'm just running with it for now.. Besides, he's always initiating things...contact, kisses, etc...I have yet to be the sole initiator in anything, mainly cos I don't want to seem eager... A rel. would be nice, but it's not neccesary...I'm wondering if I should ask him out on a date or sumpin...But again, I don't want to seem like I want something exclusive, if that's not on his agenda at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Child Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 He's fresh out of a crappy marriage...I'm a year out of a 6 year dead end rel...I have the feeling that we're both rather jaded on the whole rel. issue...Crap, I know I am...so I def have guards up... But we worked together for several months before anything happened, and the night that things started off, he stated that he's liked me since he's met me...Not that he's WANTED me since he met me...so...yeah....I know I pick thinks apart...I should probably just sit back and enjoy the ride, wherever it's going. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I smell trouble. If you make it seem like you are uninterested in a relationship.. he will feel like he's struck pay dirt. Of course he's initiating all contact! He's a dude and he wants to get laid:p My prediction? You continue this facade of "I'm okay with just a casual thing" and he's in heaven. Then little by little you start becoming more attached. He senses this and starts to distance himself and you get your heart broken and start asking why this happened to you. The above poster (britney spears pic) offered some sound signals of a guy who's really interested in you for more than sex. Does he exhibit any of that? Link to post Share on other sites
prettybaby Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 You sound like you have no idea what you want, and perhaps he has no idea either. You are basically asking whether this guy is genuinely interested in you or simply wants to sleep with you. Then you say you don't want a relationship. I mean, which is it? You're wondering whether you should ask him out on a date, but then you don't want to sound desperate and you don't want to sound like you're interested in a relationship either ... wow Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 PB's right; decide what you want and then make a move. He found himself a chick who, so far, wants to talk dirty, get laid and bugger off. Tell him that you like beer and have a favourite sports team and you'll be the typical male definition of a perfect woman. There's no way he's going to do anything to jeopardize that. Whether or not he wants a relation is a whole other matter. From my experience, usually girls who're looking to hook up aren't looking to date. You've already shown him which side of that fence you're on, so he's in a jam. If he asks you, he risks losing everything. Girls can usually ask guys without repercussion. If the guy says no to the relationship, he usually won't balk at staying FWB. However, the reverse generally doesn't hold true. If a guy asks and gets shot down, he quite often stands to lose his status entirely. No dating, no sex, nadda. No guy in his right mind is going to take that gamble. AC's also right. If you do want things to evolve, you'd better start making moves soon. Otherwise, he's going to get comfy in the current situation and you'll be stuck being his Friday night fling. Link to post Share on other sites
Charles1978 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 If a guy asks and gets shot down, he quite often stands to lose his status entirely. No dating, no sex, nadda. No guy in his right mind is going to take that gamble. Great point... I agree. And like everyone else said, obviously the signs are there that he likes you. How to transition to hiim wanting to date you? I really have no idea. You just have to pull back a bit and he'll eventually wonder what is going on. But it's tough to go back to the courting (dating) stage when you both kinda skipped right over that part. An awkward conversation might be in order if you are really worried about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Look him in the eye and tell him you would like him to help you with your tax return. Next feel his package and if he has a boner, he is just looking to bang you. The boner is the only real signal guys have. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Well, we haven't had an actual date...we've hung out a couple times, but that's it...He has yet to make a late night booty call, so for what that's worth... Also, I don't mind if things stay purely sexual...Hey, I gotta get my jollies too, yanno...For lack of better explanation, I'll take what I can get....the attraction is there from both ends, so I'm just running with it for now.. Besides, he's always initiating things...contact, kisses, etc...I have yet to be the sole initiator in anything, mainly cos I don't want to seem eager... A rel. would be nice, but it's not neccesary...I'm wondering if I should ask him out on a date or sumpin...But again, I don't want to seem like I want something exclusive, if that's not on his agenda at all... Ooh, spread the word. I'd love to see more women with this attitude. As for your original question, I don't think you can distinguish different types of "signals" - the same rules of attraction apply, and that's what guys are concerned with, not with "sending signals" (if anything, we try to not send any signals whatsoever....). But anyway, if ALL you do together is f**k then probably you're not talking about a relationship (at least not yet); if you also hang out and do other stuff together and enjoy it, then it might be in the cards, you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I haven't got a clue what my signals are but I'm damn sure if I'm interested in someone it's written all over me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 How "fresh" out of his marriage is he? When he "liked" you when you first met, was he still married? IMO, when the silences are comfortable and the chats (phone calls would be better) are about each other's lives and passions, with suitable spontaneous flirting and "dirty talk", and his "initiation" includes asking you out on a formal "date", then you'll be getting relationship signals. Personally, I smell rebound but that's OK if you're OK, right? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I unfurl my brightly coloured tail feathers, strut around a lot, and peck angrily at any other males near the object of my affection. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Well, we haven't had an actual date...we've hung out a couple times, but that's it...He has yet to make a late night booty call, so for what that's worth... Also, I don't mind if things stay purely sexual...Hey, I gotta get my jollies too, yanno...For lack of better explanation, I'll take what I can get....the attraction is there from both ends, so I'm just running with it for now.. Besides, he's always initiating things...contact, kisses, etc...I have yet to be the sole initiator in anything, mainly cos I don't want to seem eager... A rel. would be nice, but it's not neccesary...I'm wondering if I should ask him out on a date or sumpin...But again, I don't want to seem like I want something exclusive, if that's not on his agenda at all... Your basically giving him the green light to do only FWB or just hooking up. The fact that your doing dirty texts and only hanging out and not going on dates is basically your a FWB. I've been in this situation before, but I can actually do no-strings attached for a female, and from what I can read, you can't, because you want sex, but you already desire some sort of attachment with this guy because you want to date him and from what I can see he only wants sex and nothing more being he was married and been with someone for god knows how long, so he wants to be with different women, and my bet is your probably not the only one he has slept with since he left his wife. If he really wanted to date you, he would make an effort to see you outside the office, during the day in a public place that has a ton of people you both know you'll run into. Your just setting yourself up to get hurt if you keep up this attitude, cause he is probably thinking its just sex and nothing more, cause guys only read what is being non-verbal, never what is being said, so don't be all discrete with him, actually say, cause he isn't a woman, he doesn't have a clue by you being all casual and agreeing with sexy dirty texts, its just saying to him you could keep on sleeping with him and never want to date him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Child Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I'm sure that it's a rebound...I wouldn't be surprised...However, I can't shake the feeling that there's something a little more there... Nobody knows that anything is going on....His brother is my main boss...and his fam owns the company I work for, so things are kept at a subterranean level...Nothing has been discussed....He made some comment to his brother about this bartender chick liking him, (he does not like her) then he looked directly at me...as if to see what my reaction would be...I just chuckled and went about working... I guess I'll really find out what's up...I have a date this weekend with another guy...I'm gonna kinda play it up to see how he reacts... Oh and another question guys...What's your opinions on PDA...Do you display that with just anyone???? Cos I thought that when a guy is publicly affectionate, it's similar to marking territory...The one night we were out, I caught a couple guys checkin me out, and when he noticed that, he immediately put his arm around my waist, and was really touchy feely...and he's also done that at his regular hangout...Personally, I wouldn't taint the pool at my regular hangout if I was just interested in some action..if that makes any sense... Just a thought...I mean, my friends that were out that night were blown away at how much interest he showed...Every one of them was convinced that he was really into me.."he was hanging on ur every word..." I'm just enjoying the ride for now...Asking a status question really just doesn't appeal to me at the moment...I feel as though it will give the wrong idea. I mean, the first night we made out, we were both pretty sloppy drunk...I'm sure I was less than suave (jesus, I fell down the stairs and had a bruise the size of a cantaloupe on my leg) but he was still interested, so I obviously didn't make that big of a fool of myself...However, there was a point where I do not remember any conversation (and I know we had one cos I talk so much when I'm drinking...) and I probably declared my motives..(booze=liquid nerves) Bah...whatever. i should just shut my mouth and enjoy the ride while it lasts...you never really know where something could go.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 PDA's? I don't know. I kiss and hug female friends in public, in full view of my wife. Always have. I also hug my male friends and they show similar affection to my wife. Maybe we're just not "territorial". I don't see women as property. Drink less and mix up the serious and fun stuff and see where it goes. Personally, when one of my wife's female friends is drinking and making inappropriate contact, I tend to be more like a big brother, no matter how attracted I might otherwise be. I'm watchful for their safety and dignity. I was the same way when single. I enjoy the lowering of inhibitions, but there is a boundary to that. Go out on a real date without excessive alcohol and report back, assuming that's where you want this to go. If it remains as FWB type stuff, I doubt it'll ever evolve. Happy to be wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Child Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Yea, we'll see where things head, and In the meantime, I'll enjoy the present situation...For all I know, he could be thinking the same things...(which is usually the case when I end up in a situation wondering what's up..) If anything does develop, I wouldn't expect it to right away anyways...After all, it's been almost two months, and we've only hooked up once, but are chatting back and forth consistently since the day he added me on FB...So...who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 OP, just curious 'cause I'm an old fart.... is it normal for a guy to have sex with you and then just remain in contact, with no progression towards having more sex and a romantic (or even purely sexual) relationship? If yes, are you comfortable with that kind of psychological compartmentalization? At 26, what do you want here? Are you looking, in general, for a LTR with a compatible man? At some point, you're going to ask yourself that question. In the meantime, well, hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Child Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 OP, just curious 'cause I'm an old fart.... is it normal for a guy to have sex with you and then just remain in contact, with no progression towards having more sex and a romantic (or even purely sexual) relationship? If yes, are you comfortable with that kind of psychological compartmentalization? At 26, what do you want here? Are you looking, in general, for a LTR with a compatible man? At some point, you're going to ask yourself that question. In the meantime, well, hope it works out to answer your first question...No, it's not normal...at least not for me...I've had many a one night stand some with the hopes of taking things further...They never call back...Ever. With this one, it took a whole month before we slept together (the attraction is intense)...That's uncanny, and not conducive to the one night standards...at least not in my experience...It definitely wasn't a hit it and quit it type situation...And if he's sleeping with other people, good for him...cos I sure as hell am going to seize an opportunity if it comes along... Second, I don't really know if I am comfortable with it or not....I'm dealing with the fact that I'm genuinely attracted to this man, and there's a chance that it's purely sexual from his end...which is what I'm expecting, so as not to get my hopes up as I have done in the past... Third, I can't even say what I'm looking for. Yes, I would really like a LTR, but in the same respect, I've closed myself off a bit from that because of past hurts that have created some small trust issues....I present myself as this empowered female that doesn't need anyone to make her happy, however inside, I'm a freaking sappy ass hopeless romantic that just wants to love and be loved...And I'm sure that doesn't send the right signals...it doesn't help that I am really impatient and tend to try and push things along faster than they are progressing..so I have exercised an amazingly difficult amount of emotional and physical self restraint...Which has really never been so easy to do in my life. Ever. That has me thinking...hard. I really can't remember a time when I felt so emotionally and sexually comfortable with someone. Both of those are very important to me... but there's that damn nagging feeling that I have...that one that tells me that it's okay to lose myself in this...and i'm trying so hard not to...but maybe I really need to.. A couple of his work buddies (whom I have never met) have conversated with me, which leads me to believe there has been locker room talk...Fine...Maybe I'm just some hot chick from work he's bangin (or has banged once..)...But if that was the case, I wouldn't expect to have conversation with his friends, yanno??? BAh. I need to seriously stop...Maybe I should do just that and see what happens.... Thanks for reading my crap...putting things out there helps to put things into perspective, instead of just stewing about it...I can go back and re read later and laugh at how dumb i sound.... But yea...I dig this guy, and I have a nagging feeling he digs me...It's just bad effin timing...(the divorce is not final, assets have not been split, custody has not been determined...a whole ball of wax I have never dealt with before...) Blah! I'm done for now...I'm just making myself more impatient. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Just so you know, it's normal to be impatient, whether you're 26 or 106 If this guy is in the middle of a divorce, even a better reason to maintain distance. His emotions are going to be all over the place for a good while to come. Sex with you was just satisfying a need/desire. No doubt he's been doing it with others as well. Some people deal with their emotions that way. It's not a good way to begin a healthy LTR, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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