i'm beginning to realize: He thought I was worried about him meeting some woman

[zingy again]

we had a wonderful sunday together, no hassles, no fights, no stress, no tension, just a nice relaxing and fun day.

 

then last night i asked him what he is doing tomorrow, just something i usually ask him what is his schedule appt.s things like that.

 

i ask them just out of curiousity and interest, nothing more.

then this a.m. i asked him if he was going to Ballys?

 

then he mistook it for my asking him last night what he was going to do then asking him again this morning if he was going to Ballys that he said something to the effect that i was worried he was going to go off and meet some woman?

 

my gosh, i was shocked that he said such a stupid thing! i told him that was jacked up for even thinking that!

 

we ended up in such a stupid fight over the whole thing, and i finally told him via voice mail because he had left by then, that he needed today to get some frickin anger management help!

 

i told him too that six days a week from 8-6 he is a total a**h*** then 6-11 in the evenings he was such a sweet loving person, and that on sundays too.

 

that i cannot take this anymore either! i am so tired of your schmidt day in and day out and lots of other people may not be morning people and have a lot more stress then you do but i am sure that most of them do not treat others like you treat me and my daughter and others who may get in your way when you are like this.

 

he claims that because i was "drilling' him, now i asked him once last night what he was doing today, then i asked him this a.m. if he is going to ballys, so does that constitue hassling or drilling?

 

i honestly said it in the most casual tone of voice...

so i figured out today that those hours above are when he is crabby and in a bad mood and when he is in a good mood only in the evenings and on sunday.

 

but you knw when it is good it is always REALLY good! he is such a sweet wonderufl caring, loving, giving person during those times, it is just so hard to believe he is the same person during the day.

 

this is where my deliema always falls. i so look forward to the evenings with him adn sitting there with him holding each other, laughing chatting away like the best of friends, thinking how could i leave him, when look how nice he is, totally forgeting how awful he was that day.

 

then during the day i remind myself when he gets like that how wonderful sweet and caring he is come evening and it is only work releated stress making him act this way and not to take it so personally, not to be so sensitive.

 

it is hard to do though...

[jenny]

ok, let's try to sort this through. first, i know you have had a lot of pain in your life thus far, and this decision has been weighing on you greatly for a very long time. i want to try to help in the best way i know how.

 

the basic decision that is causing you pain is whether or not you should stay with this man. i will try not to draw on my knowledge of him from earlier posts, but stick with the facts as they are presented here.

 

let us address this forthrightly, however: i believe that you take pleasure, even if subconsciously, in your own indecision and possibly in your victimhood. i think it provides you drama and purpose. this is not necessarily a bad thing, but for you it is proving very destructive. you have a lot of confusion, a number of issues mixed in together, and (it seems to me) some straightforward clarity is in order.

 

let's examine what you have said, slowly. the way that we tend to evaluate whether or not to keep people in our lives is by the basic equation:

 

does pleasure or benefit exceed pain and inconvenience?

 

of course, we always makes exceptions to this! we stick by loved ones in times of trouble, but this does not the decision that you are facing.

 

let's review:

 

positive elements of the relationship:

 

+ from 6-11 in the evenings he is sweet loving person, on sundays too.

+ when he is good it is always REALLY good! he is such a sweet wonderufl caring, loving, giving person during those times.

 

so: 5x24=120 plus (let's assume) 14 waking hours on Sunday = 134 good hours

 

negative elements:

-8-6 he is a total a**h***

 

his bad patches sound *as* bad as his good patches sound *good*, so let's cancel out the intensity factor in each equation.

 

so 10x6 = 60.

 

ok, obviously, 134 is a great deal higher than 60. you have over twice as many good hours as you do bad with him.

 

BUT....

 

here is the thing: you should not have 60 hours bad with anyone. this is a bad relationship. for both of you. 60 hours per week one the side of pain is too much for anyone, and it seems to me that he is experiencing 60+ bad hours with you as well.

 

it seems unlikely to me that whatever is happening on the pleasure side of the equation can *possibly* outweigh the stress of having that many bad hours. ever.

 

so, one more time, dump this man. get on with your life. this advice has been given to you numerous times more gracefully than i have presented, but take that quantity seriously! think of the sum total of your numerous complaints about this man and understand the weight of evidence is against this relationship.

 

get out now for both your sakes. please.

[zingy again]

jenny, i have to tell you that your post so far has made the most sense.

i want to say though too that part of the reason that it is so hard to leave is because he has this way of making me feel and look like the bad guy here, then i feel so compelled to keep trying harder and harder to get it right so he wont be this way or that way.

 

example: the post below where i said i usually ask him what is on his agenda. more then once i would ask him at times simply because i honestly forgot!

 

only to be accussed from him of trying to catch him in the act of lying that is why i would ask him more then once when in truth i had simply forgotten.

 

this morning was a fine example of how things get stretched out of proportion. he insists that i had literally badgered him about his doings today when in fact i know i had asked him last night was on his agenda for the day (monday) where as what i asked him this morning was simply if he was going to ballys?

 

he should know that i ask him that as well for conversation curiousity, what ever reason.

 

why he came to that conclusion i just cannot figure out! so i end up doubting my own mind, that maybe he is right!

 

i am over reacting, i tell myself, okay i will NOT ask him anymore questions about his days plans that way he cannot accusse me of stupid things then if he gets mad at me i can at least rule out that being the cause of it.

 

but it seems that no matter what i am to blame and trying to always "fix" myself to avoid these things with him.

 

i end up feeling that it is my fault and i come here looking for some kind of reassurance that it isn't, that i am not going crazy and that i do know my own mind.

 

i don't mean to be such a pest with this lonnng drawn out persistent problem, it just hurts to stay and to leave.

 

right now he is at the broncos game, and i am going to bed before he comes home because i don't want to see him.

 

yet earlier i drove by a restaurant where we go alot on my way to another store and i though we had not been there for a long time now..

 

it made me feel so sad for not talking to him all day, it made me miss him so much, it hurt so much.

 

earlier today too i talked to him on the phone when he called me and tried to be all nice to me, and i was short, snotty and impatient with him like he is with me.

 

i hurt so bad afterwards, i could not ever be like that to another person, and i wondered how he can treat me that way without it seemingly to not even bother him because if it did would he still do it?

 

it hurt me to be so mean to him...i am not that way to anybody, and to act like he does even towards himself, killed me inside to the point that it made my heart hurt so bad like someone had died, the pain was that intense.

 

if only it did not hurt so much to leave i would of been gone a lonnng time ago.

 

your post is given me more food for thought but in a good way...thanks again.

[songwriter]

no offense, but your husband or whatever is cheating on ya. it happens to the best of us. his defensive nature leads me to believe he likes being with this other girl more than you. best to pack up and move on.

[jenny]

finally:

 

intuition is the most basic of logical skills. we gather evidence all the time without realizing it. i think you come here to hear people say: Leave Him - because for some reason you are unable to say it clearly to yourself or hear it over the roar of hundreds of other thoughts you have about this man.

 

i am issuing a challenge to you, a gentle and loving one, to organize your thoughts. it is much easier to make a decision after you have done this. if you do not take some action, you will forever be chronicling your horrible life with this man to a group of strangers. frankly i cannot have long have empathy for someone who is cognizant of their terrible situation, has the means to change it, and chooses instead to bemoan it indefinitely.

 

before you submit your next post, i am asking you to look at the words you have placed on the page, and try to put some order to them. make them move towards a kind of conclusion, or at least a change. not for the sake of logical writing, but for the sake of your thinking.

 

we have probably heard this before, but einstein noted that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. try something new next time.

[cindy0039]

I have one thing to add: Quit making excuses.