Moose Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 cowboys is on his death bed. My Dad, (aka, "Pop") is on his last ride into the sunset. He's been in bed now for two weeks in intense pain from pancreatic cancer, and liver tumors. He can no longer speak, and this morning when I visted him, he couldn't even open his eyes. I showed up at the most perfect time as my Mom was caught having to change the sheets because he made, "wee wee" in bed....by herself.....not easy to do, so I had the privleage to help...the groans echo in my mind as I type.... It is so surreal, (sw?) seeing my Dad in this condition. At 69 he could work circles around both myself and my brother.....stout as Paul Bunyun, tough as nails and there was no BS coming out of his mouth, just straight no nonsense TRUTH no matter who was on the receiving end. In the 20 or so years I've known him, he has "become" my Dad. He's not my biological father, he is my mother's #4 husband. The ONLY husband that didn't beat on her or us kids, the ONLY husband who was loyal to her no matter what the circumstances. The ONLY Step-Dad that made me feel GREAT about myself! As most of you know, my little brother is the President of the company that I help run as an independent contractor. This is his family too....well, he kind of chewed me out the other day for not leaving my worries at the door when I'm here at the office.....even though he comes in late and leaves early to help Mom and Pop.....(he can, he owns the company). But how does one leave something like this in the preverbial envelope and leave it at the front door?? I don't expect Pop to make it through the weekend. And what's worse is that January is the last month of our fiscal year.....just like when my sister past away, I'm going to be expected to run the company while my brother takes time away to spend with our family during this time of mourning....(he'll look like the angel, while I'll look like the cold-blooded corporate suit).... I guess I'm just venting, but it just doesn't seem fair to me....suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 telling you that you're supposed to grieve a certain way is stupid, and he needs to be called on it. I mean how on earth do you separate something like this, involving someone obviously so close to your heart, from the rest of what you do? It sounds like your brother wants to avoid the messiness of the situation but bask in the compliments of "oh, he's such a good son, look at all that he's doing," so to tell you what he did is bullsheet. And you ought to consider telling him to tell your brother to get his head outta his butt, or you'll hook him up with a proctologist to help him out! my heart go out to you Moose – my daddy died just before Thanksgiving, and even though he and I normally managed to butt heads because we're so alike, it was hard seeing him grow more dependent on us kids. But in a way, that was a good experience because it gave us a whole other insight into the man we knew ... a blessing of sorts. your family is in my prayers, quank Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Oh Moose I am so very sorry for you and your family. I wilsh I had words of wisdom here, but I don't. The only thing I can think of is to delegate!!!! Make sure it all gets done, but take the time you need. You do not need to be regretting time you could have spent with your step father, you need to make sure you do what is right, in your heart. HUGS to you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks.....both of you....quank, you made me feel alot better....and curiousnycgirl, that's what Pop's would call, "Horse sense"....Many MANY thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Oh Moose, I am so sorry to hear about this. You have my deepest sympathies. I lost my Dad in Oct 2006 to lung cancer and I remember how difficult it was, so I may be projecting my own feelings onto you....but yes, I know how hard it is to see a once vigorous man whittled down to a ghost. My mother was able to pick my Dad up and carry him like a child right before he died, when she used to be the one to walk on his back when it was sore! Maybe you could speak with your brother to arrange something different for dealing with the company after your father's death. You deserve time to grieve, too, even if just for a few days. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own thing that they forget that other family members are grieving, too. Best wishes and good thoughts to you during this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 *snicker* so moose, just how big of a boy is your brother? Do I need to run up there to administer a BMW azzwhuppin? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Oh Moose, I am so sorry to hear about this. You have my deepest sympathies. I lost my Dad in Oct 2006 to lung cancer and I remember how difficult it was, so I may be projecting my own feelings onto you....but yes, I know how hard it is to see a once vigorous man whittled down to a ghost. My mother was able to pick my Dad up and carry him like a child right before he died, when she used to be the one to walk on his back when it was sore! Maybe you could speak with your brother to arrange something different for dealing with the company after your father's death. You deserve time to grieve, too, even if just for a few days. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own thing that they forget that other family members are grieving, too. Best wishes and good thoughts to you during this difficult time.I remember that....(your Dad).... Oh, I plan on talking to him....it may esculate to more like shouting....a tad.... Little Bro has let money become his master, I have to admit that I'm not complaining since I'm doing very well myself.....but in the order of things, at least for me, my family comes before my career.... Thanks a million Blind, my prayers go out to you, I know it wasn't easy for you to bring those memories up to help a fellow sufferer..... Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I am so sorry, truly I am. I lived through this for nine long months. It killed my mom and nearly killed me too. All I can say is that I am very happy that you and your mother were able to find some measure of love and comfort in this man. He must be an amazing human being. There are no suggestions anyone can make. You will grieve in your own special and very private way. All I can do is offer you my sympathy and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 *snicker* so moose, just how big of a boy is your brother? Do I need to run up there to administer a BMW azzwhuppin?I could call the "redneck mafia"....no need to put your nails in jepardy.....man I can't spell today.... Anyways, since I sheltered him all his pre-teen life he faired better physically...I couldn't take him now by myself, he's learned the martial arts along side of me, we'd both get hurt if you know what I mean..... No, the way you hurt a rich man is to leave his money and business in questionable care..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 I prayed that if Pops is of the flock to take him home in haste.... He's totally oblivious to the outside world, immense pain has put him into a state of "coma-toast".... He would be so pissed at us if he knew we were witnessing his last days on earth, him being completely helpless.... If he knew I helped Mom change his pissed on sheets...and saw his naked skin covered bag of bones....the red neck mafia would make sure I wouldn't talk about it.... Lil' bro already had my idea in mind to get him some headphones with his favorites playin' so I can't take credit, but he WAS able to act on that sooner than I was..... I'm not upset about that at all though...really, as long as it made the moans stop...and it did....we really don't think he'll be here tomorrow..... Those who pray, please keep my Mom in mind, (her name is Moose's Mom),....and that God will take one of His children (Pops) home tonight.... Thanks all..... Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Oh Moose, you are ALL in my prayers. You, your mom, your step dad and your bro. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 ((Moosey)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Thanks all.... Update....well he's hanging in there...hospice says it's all up to how strong his heart is...that isn't good news at all...he had both shoulders and knees replaced a few years back, and each surgery wound up being bragging rights for each surgeon on how strong his bones and heart is....it could be a week, maybe two.... The Doctor perscribed morphine, (obviously) but I found out that instead of giving it to him every two hours, (as perscribed) mom had only been giving it to him twice a day....I was LIVID!! I had to leave at that point....and I said something I probably of shouldn't... I told her that we're more humane to cats and dogs when we put them down for their illnesses than she's being to Pop.... That didn't go over too well....lil' bro spoke up too, "He's moaning when we talk to him, and he's able to squeeze our hand(s)".... In which I returned saying, "he moans because he's in PAIN, he knows who's in the room, we don't need to talk to him for that....if he can squeeze our hands, it only means, (to me) that if he had a morphine drip with a trigger, he'd be pulling it instead...." I did say that yes, sometimes squeezing our hands is acknowledgement, but when he's moaning at the same time....it's not good.... As far as I know, they haven't changed the dosage and noone has told me otherwise.....all I got for an update this morning is, "No change".... I appreciate you all letting me vent.... Link to post Share on other sites
openbook08 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 i am so sorry to hear youre going through all this, at a horribly difficult time things are even more horribly difficult for you it seems. im fortunate enough not to have been in this situation but i guess its important for your family to stick together...frustration, anger, grief is rife at the moment, everyone will need a 'pass' at some stage or the other over the coming weeks. i know you can do that, i hope your family can offer you the same.... the situation with the morphine though.... im with you on that one. all i can offer are my prayers & ill have my kids in school pray for you too, a childs prayers are so special i believe. take care X Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Aww Moose, I'm sorry to hear about your Step-Dad. Just a couple of things though, your little brother asking you to leave your problems at the door at work, I can kinda understand that. Maybe that is his way of coping...? It's very hard to be able to cope with everything and to be strong, sometimes it's easier to just deal with the 'normal' stuff of work and keeping things going, it kinda helps with maintaining the sanity of a situation. I don't think your brother is necessarily telling you how to deal, but maybe he is in a round-about way telling you how he needs you to help him to cope with things. I tend to be a bit like your brother (although I don't think I would have told you to leave stuff at the door) so I can kinda understand where he's coming from. As for your Dad's pain and your Mom administering pain relief. You know, they're from a different generation than we are... when pain killers like morphine were seen to be a 'bad' thing. Plus she knows that she is going to lose the one man who has been loyal and good to her. It's probably not meant, but she doesn't want him to go. She doesn't want to do anything which will speed up his journey. She needs to understand that his pain relief is important but also we need to understand that she's scared silly of losing this man, this person who has shared her life with her. She knows soon she's going to be without her partner and she is afraid of that. Dont be too harsh on her. I'm sorry for your pain at this time. You please vent and rant as much as you want to. I just hope it helps a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Oh Moose I'm so sorry you are going through this. Did your Mom say why she was only giving the Morphine twice a day? Can you talk to Hospice? Hospice can be so helpful in explaining why the patient needs a certain dose. They usually have a social worker visit with family members too and maybe you could tell them about your brother and they can help with that. My Aunt just recently passed away and Hospice was amazing. She had Stage 4 Stomach Cancer and went very quickly. She had a friend who was in denial about her situation and kept thinking I was starving her. Hospice sent a Social Worker to visit when the friend visited and the SW did an awesome job of diffusing the situation. Hospice is awesome for the medical care but I think the psychological support they give to family members is the greatest gift. I am so sorry. He sounds like a wonderful man and so do you. People do weird things when we are greiving - we say and do stupid stuff. I don't know why, but we do. But he knows how much you all loved him and will always know that. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I second the psychological and emotional support that hospice gives being really great. Can you talk to the hospice nurse about what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Sorry to hear about your Dad Moose. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 How are you doing Moose? I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Just thinking about you and your family and hoping you are ok. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Moose? You doing all right? How's things going with the family? if this still applies, definitely get the hospice nurse to talk with the WHOLE family about the need for proper care for Pops at this time. Because even though they feel it's cruel to drug him, his mind and body need that medicine to help him pass safely and calmly to the next stage. i daresay the pain could be making him more anxious than he needs to be. still thinking about and praying for y'all, xxx, q Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Pops passed away last Monday at 7:50pm. Hospice did find out about the lack of dosages, and did make my mom feel a little better. They explained that some people subconsciencely ignore the recommended dosage holding on to hope. She feels somewhat terrible, but we've all comforted her the best we could. We had a wonderful service, had to fill two chapels, then we threw a huge party for him here at the office.....many had to stay the night.... I was praised up and down for setting up the entire ceremony, (funeral home is the latest and greatest, but noone there able to mixed audio/video so they left that to me)..... I know Pops can't see us now, but I know that he'd be proud of all of his boys for how we pulled this off..... I'm sleeping better now, knowing he's not in pain.... Thanks Again Everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 My deepest condolences to you and your family. I am glad Pops' suffering is over, and that he is in a better place - and that you were able to be there with him at the end. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Oh Moose, I disagree. I think your Pops can see you and he is proud of you. I worried when my Dad passed that I would never have him in my life again, but I swear I feel him with me every now and then, and when times get tough I always talk to him and it makes me feel better. Good that you had that party, to celebrate his life. Be well. Link to post Share on other sites
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