I'm driving myself insane! I'm bordering on stalkerish behaviour.

[ObsessiveCompulsive]

Scratch that, my behaviour IS stalking... help?!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've had a pretty amazing relationship, but for some reason, that's not enough.

 

He was with his ex for 5 years, she was his best friend, his family loved her etc... But for some reason, when i first met him, all the way up until he actually broke up with her to start dating me, he NEVER spoke about her. I didn't know her name, I didn't even know he HAD a girlfriend until his friend mentioned so, I really was a bit shocked.

 

Anyway, for some reason, I find myself compelled to know everything about this girl. My boyfriend wont answer my questions as he doesn't understand why i would want to know about her. So i've used ways to find out the information myself. I've created fake facebook accounts so I could add her twin sister to see if there are any pictures of her, which there are, ive added her friends to find pictures of her on nights out, I know where she works, I know her name [including her middle name], I know where she previously lived and where she lives now... I've kept videos/photos of her that I found on my boyfriends backups discs... Basically I'm slightly obsessed with finding more and more info out about this girl and I'm becoming a stalker .

 

My boyfriend found out about the fake facebook once and smashed up my laptop, which i dont blame him for, but i can't seem to stop

 

How on earth can I get over this weird obsession with wanting to know everything out about his ex? It's driving me insane...

[Adunaphel]

Since your BF knows you have a unhealthy obsession about her ex... has he ever tried to talk about it?

Smashing up your laptop is not very useful.

Having a serious conversation, asking you what it is exactly about and offering to help to work on the issue would be.

[ObsessiveCompulsive]

Nope, he's never talked to me about it, he HATES talking about his ex for some reason, which is fine, because it probably would piss me off if he DID talk about her.

 

I've met this girl once, well, not exactly met her, but she made her presence known.

 

About 6 months after me and my boyfriend got together, we went for a drink in his local pub after a walk, we sat down outside and suddenly heard a voice say his name and she came over with her twin sister and completely ignored me, but started talking to him asking him how he was. My boyfriend went quiet, and as white as a sheet, and she walked off as quickly as she arrived... But I guess it's since then, after meeting her, that my obsession has stemmed from :S

[Adunaphel]

I firmly believe that when an otherwise very normal person develops stalkerish bahaviour out of the blue, it should be considered a huge flag that either he/she is with the wrong person or that an issue needs to be fixed asap before it destroys the relationship.

 

I think that shady behaviour such as your BF's would put anyone not at ease - getting very curious about an ex about whom your bf refuses to talk about is imo very natural. If the subject becomes taboo, it is normal for the curiosity to increase.

 

My suggestion is that you ask your bf to help you by telling you whatever you need to know in order to feel at ease and work on your obsession.

If he can't, he should at least explain you *why* he does not want to talk about her.

See if you are okay with his reaction and with whatever explanation he has to offer.

 

If you are not, get out of this relationship asap, before you turn into someone you do **not** want to be!

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

If he dosen't want to talk about it. Write down all you questions and have him write the answers down for you. It could be a cathartic experience for you both. Agree to both be as honest as possible. Do it. Read it then burn it and never bring it up again. Use the journal as a demarcation between the old you and the new one.

[ObsessiveCompulsive]

Thanks guys, youve made me feel like less of a weirdo

I'm going to take on board both of your comments and talk to my boyfriend about how i feel.

 

If he breaks up with me, i deserve it, but I hope he can see its not something i choose to obsess about!

 

The diary thing sounds like a brilliant idea...

[LovieDove24]

If he breaks up with me, i deserve it

 

I don't think you deserve it if he breaks up with you.

 

Quite honestly HE doesn't deserve YOU.

 

He lied about being with her while first starting to date you. Then when he finally broke up with her to be with you he didn't tell you right away, HIS FRIEND HAD TO. On top of that, when you two were out and saw her he didn't have the decency to introduce you two. All of these things are bad, bad, bad. He isn't able to talk to you about your current feelings on his ex and he probably never will. It seems this chump is incapable of being honest from the getgo. DUMP HIM!

[MindoverMatter]

Mh. No.

 

I am sorry, your behaviour is not okay. No matter how he behaves that doesn't give you a green light to do whatever you feel like. Stalking his ex, going through your boyfriends backups...that is going too far. Stop it. It is not giving you peace of mind, and it is not respectful nor appropriate.

 

Tell your boyfriend that you feel insecure and that you cannot continue like this. Be it via written or spoken word, he should tell you why he never wants to talk about her, why he lied about her initially and what/if she still means to him.

 

If he refuses, then it is time to rethink this relationship.

 

If he wants to, but can't, ask him to go to a counceling session together.

 

If he refuses...see above.

 

For now: delete your fake profile. Delete everything you have stored about her. Step back from this mess.

[orangesean]

Uh, what? Why are you staying with a guy who smashed your laptop up? Why would you allow that? Forget his past and talking through this stuff, this guy has damaged expensive property, you should make him pay for it and dump him.

 

Obviously not good boyfriend material. I don't even know why you keep putting yourself below him either, you should check out your self esteem.

[You'reasian]

Scratch that, my behaviour IS stalking... help?!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've had a pretty amazing relationship, but for some reason, that's not enough.

 

He was with his ex for 5 years, she was his best friend, his family loved her etc... But for some reason, when i first met him, all the way up until he actually broke up with her to start dating me, he NEVER spoke about her. I didn't know her name, I didn't even know he HAD a girlfriend until his friend mentioned so, I really was a bit shocked.

 

Anyway, for some reason, I find myself compelled to know everything about this girl. My boyfriend wont answer my questions as he doesn't understand why i would want to know about her. So i've used ways to find out the information myself. I've created fake facebook accounts so I could add her twin sister to see if there are any pictures of her, which there are, ive added her friends to find pictures of her on nights out, I know where she works, I know her name [including her middle name], I know where she previously lived and where she lives now... I've kept videos/photos of her that I found on my boyfriends backups discs... Basically I'm slightly obsessed with finding more and more info out about this girl and I'm becoming a stalker .

 

My boyfriend found out about the fake facebook once and smashed up my laptop, which i dont blame him for, but i can't seem to stop

 

How on earth can I get over this weird obsession with wanting to know everything out about his ex? It's driving me insane...

 

Your behavior is not appropriate. Stalkerish behavior is never appropriate. I can understand you being uncertain and a little insecure, doing a little homework but what you've done goes above a beyond what is normal.

 

Ask him to pay for your laptop to be repaired - that's not cool either.

[4dviceJunki3]

You have to respect his past since you were not involved in it, if he feels it's necessary for you to know something about the past, he will tell you; however, if he doesn't like talking about it, you shouldn't feel this way. You need to look at your current status with him and the future ONLY!

 

If you constantly dwell in thought about his past, you're going to drive yourself insane and then something very small will happen and you will magnify it because of your lack of knowledge of his past and your insecurity about it as well, then it will bring your relationship with him to its knees.

 

Just let it go, and focus on what you guys have now. Create some memories rather than sitting there constantly thinking about how he did a certain thing with his ex; that doesn't matter anymore, she's done with and he's moved on; stop reminding him of her.

[LostLamb]

I've done a couple of silly things since my break up , like googling usernames etc but creating false FB accounts to find out about a woman your boyf left you for is silly. You are in love but will end up alone if you don't calm down.

 

I can understand your boyf being angry ,but smashing up your laptop and ignoring his ex's existence is strange.