Girlfriend constantly accuses me of being jealous even though I'm not. Sick of it.

[SteveOxford1982]

For the past few weeks my girlfriend has constantly been calling me jealous and controlling and I'm sick of it.

 

I'm 27 and she's 24, and we live together in Banbury, Oxfordshire in the Midlands here in the United Kingdom.

 

She accuses me of telling her who she can and can't be with; asking her not to associate with certain guys, and being jealous of her male friends in general.

 

However, I'm the opposite of that. I was brought up to have respect and tolerance for people, whatever their age, skin color, religious beliefs etc. and I have respect for my girlfriend. Rather than treat her male friends as enemies I try to see them as potential acquaintances/friends - I like socialising and being friendly with people.

 

I accept my girlfriend has a past, and male friends - and rather than be jealous of it, I'm just tolerant. I also don't tell her who she can and can't be friends with and never ask her not to associate with certain men, nor am I jealous of her male friends. I just try to get along with them. It's better to be tolerant and accepting rather than controlling.

 

On Tuesday, she ranted at me and said I was a "jealous, bullying, controlling little man who deserved to be kicked in the balls".

 

I've tried talking to her, tried everything to make her understand that I have no need to be jealous, but she won't understand.

 

I've even told her that her male friends are NOT an issue, but she for some reason won't accept it.

 

We've been together since I was 22 and she was 19, and I've no idea why she's like this. We used to get on so well. We've had our arguments like any other couple, but none as serious as this.

 

Our sex life has also become non-existent too - as she's told me I'm "not well-endowed enough", and said "Until you become well-endowed enough for me, no sex for you!"

 

Anyone able to help me with this situation? I don't know what to do. I want to get our relationship back on track, this situation is worrying me so much

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

No problem. She has cheated on you. And she feels guilty. So she shows that by being angry at you. She is projecting how what she feels on to you. She doesn't like what she is doing, so the easiest way for her to deal with it. Is make you the enemy. The more you are around her friends. The more worried she is that you will find out. She also no longer respects you. Dump her and find someone who can stay the course.

[SteveOxford1982]

No problem. She has cheated on you. And she feels guilty. So she shows that by being angry at you. She is projecting how what she feels on to you. She doesn't like what she is doing, so the easiest way for her to deal with it. Is make you the enemy. The more you are around her friends. The more worried she is that you will find out. She also no longer respects you. Dump her and find someone who can stay the course.

 

There doesn't seem to be any evidence that she has cheated on me. Nothing that would even make any partner jealous or suspicious.

 

She did apologise this morning for the comment about me being well-endowed.

 

However, this situation could get out of control more... or not

[Davey McG]

She's the problem, not you. Seriously.

 

She's belittling you, accusing you of being a bully and has told you you deserve to be treated violently.

 

I think you need to get out of there!

[PandaStillLovesBunny]

I gotta agree on this one, and go with a break-up -- you've obviously tried talking to her about this, because you've tried to explain that you aren't controlling in the slightest. She wants to live in her delusional fantasy world, for whatever reason.

 

Whatever her problem is, some time apart will likely lead to the solution. If she thinks you're a "controlling little bully," then break up with her, and she should be grateful. If it really is a problem of "projection" (or, rather, deflection), then she'll come back after she's had time to reflect. Either way, I think staying together is only going to make things worse.

[MindoverMatter]

Our sex life has also become non-existent too - as she's told me I'm "not well-endowed enough", and said "Until you become well-endowed enough for me, no sex for you!"

 

Ridiculous. Her, not you.

 

If she hasn't been like this in the 5 years you've been with her, then something must have happened. I don't know whether she cheated, or was tempted to cheat or whatever. But you need to find out what it is and how you feel about it.

[4dviceJunki3]

It is so crazy how you just brought this story up because I am experiencing the same exact thing with the girl I'm dating.

 

However, my situation is a little different considering that we aren't really together, just been talking/dating for several months now and the fact that I'm 24 and she's 19.

 

Every time I have a normal conversation with her, it always somehow ends up with her telling me that I need to stop being jealous and controlling. And to me, I'm just like WHAT?!?!?! Where the hell did that come from? Like she's so off course it's not even funny.

 

I keep having to remind her and it's funny because every time we argue about this, she always ends up telling me that I'm right and she apologizes but she does it again the next day or so.

 

She's a very good girl except for the fact that she accuses me of those things or else I would have got out of this relationship way long ago.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that it sounds like she's projecting.

 

Maybe you could explain a situation where she felt you were controlling and/or jealous. You kind of dance around the guy friends thing but don't really give detail.

[LostLamb]

Is she trying to get you to end the relationship rather than talk about your problems? Talking is so important in relationships

[reservoirdog1]

The phrase "psycho bitch from hell" leaps readily to mind.

 

She accuses you of behaving in a way that you haven't at all. She insults you in terms meant to emasculate and ridicule you. And then, she told you you weren't well-endowed enough for her to f*ck, and that it's up to you to change that if you want to get in her pants.

 

Sorry to say, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheating on you. What you're describing, especially since it came on so suddenly, sounds like projection. Accusing you of being "jealous", in this case, sounds like she's trying to discourage you from, say, checking up on her for fear that she'll find out and be proven right about you being jealous.

 

In any event, she shouldn't be treating you this way. If you confirm that she isn't cheating, you should tell her straight up that you're not going to accept that kind of treatment from her, and that she has a week to clean up her act, or you're dumping her ass.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

If she has cut off sex for you. Just where is she getting it. Think for a moment. If you are not big enough for her. Who is? Who is she comparing you to? Don't you understand when a woman cheats she slows or stops having sex with her husband or boyfriend. Why? Because she feels like she should be faithful to the guy she is cheating with. The best visual on this is from the movie unfaithful with diane lane and Richard Gere. Dude she has cuckolded you. And you just haven't woken up yet.

[Phateless]

Get out. This chick is crazy.

[Wildguy]

Yeah man for sure you need to end it with her. You already made the effort asking her what her problem is, and she is still doing it. It's over.

 

There really are only two reasons she is freaking out on you.. Either:

1) She is insane

or

2) She is cheating on you

[pizzagirl]

There doesn't seem to be any evidence that she has cheated on me. Nothing that would even make any partner jealous or suspicious.

 

She did apologise this morning for the comment about me being well-endowed.

 

However, this situation could get out of control more... or not

 

This is my very first post, so i will not kick or belittle you or give any advice. All I ask is that you calm, step back and chew on this.

Say every behavior has an "energy" to it. You have described your part in your relationship as open accepting am I right. Now the energy you describe from your girlfiend is hostile, it is accusing with no grounds. It does not sound suspisciuos but seems to break those boundries into belittling attacks accusing behaviors that have no grounds in reality. So where are the grounds for these attacks? Internally, withing your girlfriend.

Some energy has shifted as she moves away from you, casts you as an enemy for behaviors that seemingly have no grounds. She is pulling back sexually, she is hiding and attacking. I cannot say she is having an affair, but the energy from her sounds hostile, belittling, and her value of you is plummetting. So whom does she now value? Where is he sex drive going? If you refuse to follow or hound her and will not be goaded into allowing her justifications any validity, expect the attacks to become more pointed. I believe you are on the cusp of being dumped, so what do you choose to do?

 

Why place value in a relationship that has ceased to see what you have to offer as valuable? Why cling by minding your Ps and Qs when your partner will conjure up fights so she can feel justified. Why not ask her what she wants, why not tell her you do not like what she says and how she is treating you and what is the problem of taking a time out for you. This is more about how YOU respond when being devalued than it is about her behavior. She has an agenda but chooses to need to blame you before she makes her choice: it is your decency that is the root of the anger, she has to create a drame and a reason because if she cannot she must face her behavior square on for what it is. And only she knows what it is.

 

Always take care of you. Do not settle for abuse or maltreatment. Do not allow the lies of the accuser to go unchallenged. You sound like a reasonable man. be reasonable with yourself and trust there is someone BETTER who may see what you have to off. Do not settle. Good luck.

[Woggle]

Get out while you can.

[Phateless]

Run. Now.