honey2910 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hi All.... I just want to ask why dumpee feels more pain than dumper....Is this due to feeling of rejection?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. Sometimes the dumper is rejected within the relationship and over time gets the confidence to go it alone and dumps the person who rejected them. Regardless of the dynamic, generally, the person who cares the least has the most control and generally feels the least pain. Strangely, in some cases, that can be the dumpee, especially if they are passive aggressive. In the strictest sense of the word "rejection", presuming the dumpee is the one rejected, the psychology of a social animal being rejected by someone they wanted to be with or loved is certainly very painful; it diminishes one's sense of self-worth and confidence. Even if one is supremely self-confident, it strikes a blow, commensurate with how much one cared for the person dumping them. Clear as mud? Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Ya thats true " person who cares less feels less pain"........ Im in bad position wherein I cannot go on NC because of family involvement ..........I did it for few days however sometimes we have to be in contact...I dont know howlong???? So sometimes it becomes more troublesome for me after having contact wid my ex....... My ex has truly moved over me just 2-3 days after breakup.... I was also almost over her.....before I came to know she left me for someone else.....which is causing me more problem.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 There's always someone else, even if there isn't someone else. It's part of the monkey branch theory. Some women grasp the branch to steady themselves before gliding to the forest floor. They may grasp many branches in their journey. It doesn't mean those branches mean anything to them. It's strictly a function of their self-worth and self-image. Your post indicates the possibility (likelihood) that your ex emotionally detached from you sometime before she dumped you and you were just oblivious to the signs. Women can say words, perform actions, even have sex, when emotionally detached. It's just a bunch of white noise to them, without meaning. Ever heard the term "snowed"? Yep Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Dude Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hi All.... I just want to ask why dumpee feels more pain than dumper....Is this due to feeling of rejection?? Because: it was not their choice to end the relationship (likely they wanted it to continue)their self worth and ego are shatteredfeelings of betrayal and abandonment are always painful Link to post Share on other sites
ahhhchooo Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Dumpee often didn't see it coming, was still fully in love with the ex and the thought of ending the relationship they saw continuing for their entire lifetime is an absolutely horrid thought to be avoided, denied and expelled. I realise in many relationships that both parties (dumper and dumpee) find it hard to move on, and many relationships continue despite being unhealthy. One of my friends is in this kind of relationship but both of them are so desperate and attached now that neither can summon the courage to end it. I'd sure as hell rather be in my shoes than his. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly01 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 It's probably because the dumper had already emotionally checked out of the relationship -- while the dumpee is completely caught off guard. For me (the dumpee) it's all the unanswered questions that prolong the pain. While he (the dumper) had probably been thinking about ending it for a while and had more time to get used to the idea of it being over. We get stuck in the "why me?" and "what if's?" and tend to blame ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hi Guys thanks to all......... One of my major question still is unanswered.....as I dont want any contact with my ex....but due to sm family involvement we have to be in contact.......which is making me too hard to move on........... what cud be best advice in this case to move on....plz suggest ...i desperately need some guidance... Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hi Guys thanks to all......... One of my major question still is unanswered.....as I dont want any contact with my ex....but due to sm family involvement we have to be in contact.......which is making me too hard to move on........... what cud be best advice in this case to move on....plz suggest ...i desperately need some guidance... how much longer is this family involvment going to last? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Unless children are involved, any contact is a choice. Minimize it to writing if possible and only on non-relationship subjects. Eliminate all extraneous stimuli (words, images, sounds) which remind you of the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 I think it could lead to few years..in worst case..... as her sister and I are very good frnds frm 6-7 years.....and we are really good friends....we talk everyday day...... Also my mother is in occassional contact wid her...although she knows we had no future left........ Actually my family always treated her as part of family and they do call her on occassions and vice versa........ I m trying hard to become indifferent.......... But sometimes ask myself can somebody get over love of 5 year so easily......specially we were each other first love.......... Link to post Share on other sites
lilmrcheerful Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hi Honey2910, Funny you should start this thread as I was dumped just this very morning and to be honest I am not sure what I am feeling, I am feeling so many different emotions, of hurt, pain, sorry as well as relief, sense of ease and freedom, new beginnings, new planning, new ideas... It's good that you asked this question because 4 hours after it's literally happened to me you are getting a very accurate feel of how it feels (as people well know as it's happened to them) and right now I feel like a sense of regret for wasting so much emotional effort in a relationship whereby my gf was still in love with her ex but took forever for her to finally do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Well I have wasted last 4 months over analyzing........I spent 2-3 hrs of my day on her....thinking alot abt her(my daily driving time)...... I just realised few days back that I was left for somebody else......................but still there are conditions in my life due to which cant go on NC............I dont knw what god wants frm me.... I have given myself 31 jan as deadline to become indifferent......lets hope best.... Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I thought this was going to be a cut and dry answer when I first read the thread but it is more complicated. First what makes a person the dumper and dumpee? Are you the dumper just because you were the one who said it was over... or are you the dumper if you were the one who didn't care about the relationship so you... cheated, or were disrespectful or what ever. In the classic "its not you its me" situation where you just get dumped.... well of course the dumpee is going to be in more pain in the short run... they were the one rejected. Link to post Share on other sites
Blessings Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 because if you're willing to end something, in most cases...you know you'll be okay...(unless you HAD to end it for other reasons) funny i was watchin a show and the girl leaves the guy...she said "my heart isnt in it anymore" and thats kinda what my ex said to me....she had already moved on...of course it hurt her too because regardless your saying goodbye to someone you were with and shared so much with...but she was okay...while the guy was shocked and hurt...like the rest of us...so it makes sense...the dumper WANTED OUT...the dumpee didnt.. Link to post Share on other sites
peteyj Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 It's probably a combination of "what just happened, why, how, I can't believe they did this to me" as well as ego and sadness. Also if it's because the significant other cheated and you were not only lovers but best of friends, suddenly you not only lost a spouse but maybe your best friend. I think that's what hurt me more than anything else. It's one thing for the marriage to work..it's another to think this person who was supposed to be one of your best friends, if not your best, to do something like that....and the lying just made things worse. It still hurts but for me it became easier to move on in a way cause she just made it easier by her actions and lies...Now I just cant' stand her as a person... I really don't have any desire to be friends with her anymore.. And in all honesty, she sort of makes me disgusted.. She has a bf, whom she left me for..., but she dates and sleeps with random people every night.... Tonight she came home from her BFs around 9pm...She went over his house sometime around midnight last night....We still live together in a small 600 Square foot apartment and she still talks to me.....even though I try to talk to her as little as possible. Well she took a shower and went out to see some other guy tonight.. Some guy she met at a party last week....So at this point she's a person without a job, not going to school, and partying on other guys dimes every night... I'm glad i'm not with her anymore and just want this divorce to go final in six months. Yeah sometimes it sucks that she did this to me yet she's out with all these guys and has another bf while I haven't dated since all this started at the end of November/early Dec....So that part is sort of an ego crusher..She cheated...cheated some more...pretended to want the marriage to work only it was a lie.......to now when she goes out on dates every night of the week. While I don't even meet anybody yet alone date... I do try to go out now and again but most of the people I know are married with kids here....So you can only hang with them so much before they get into trouble or you get depressed listening to them talk about their kids and future plans...... The only single friends I have live about 3000 miles away.. Who knows... If I were out there dating at least a few times a week and we weren't living together anymore I'd probably get over it a lot quicker...But when she's dating all the time, still living with you and not working, and you aren't dating....it sort of makes you feel like a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 For me it was knowing that I wasn't good enough for the person I love more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. He made me want to be the best possible version of myself, and to him I was totally disposable. The humiliation of that is still very profoundly there after a year and a half. I don't know if I'll ever really get over having failed in that way. I doubt now that my love has any worth. I feel that when I give my love to people, it means nothing to them. This has made me feel quite separate from the rest of the human race, because I see others freely giving and receiving love, and I am not allowed to be part of that. I would never again burden anyone by letting them know I cared about them. Women can say words, perform actions, even have sex, when emotionally detached. It's just a bunch of white noise to them, without meaning. That is perhaps the least true statement I have ever read in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 hi all......... thanks for wonderful suggestions........... please give me some honest advise to heal myself to get over her completely....as u know cant go to NC due to sm family reasons...... Can I get over her without being on NC.......smtimes i feel over her but smtimes it sucks..... I have gr8 job and spent 12 hrs there...2-3 hrs in driving...but still i find myself thinking abt her......... I know its all in mind.....but stil plz........ne piece of advise to become "Indifferent" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Active thought suppression. When the thought of her enters, actively suppress it. IMO, unless you have children together and are co-parenting, there's no cogent reason or requirement to have any contact. Everything else is a choice, even if you think it's a requirement. It doesn't matter how intertwined your families are (if they are). They don't have to understand; it's not required that they understand or approve. This is a time to put yourself first. My god, I'm repeating myself Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 hi all......... thanks for wonderful suggestions........... please give me some honest advise to heal myself to get over her completely....as u know cant go to NC due to sm family reasons...... Can I get over her without being on NC.......smtimes i feel over her but smtimes it sucks..... I have gr8 job and spent 12 hrs there...2-3 hrs in driving...but still i find myself thinking abt her......... I know its all in mind.....but stil plz........ne piece of advise to become "Indifferent" Hey there...I would really love to read what you're writing but find it difficult with the text-speak and long ellipsis in lieu of actual punctuation. Could I possibly prevail upon you to write in real sentences? For example, there are only two extra letters in "sometimes," it's not actually that difficult to type out, really! Link to post Share on other sites
sjguy34 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 just a thought for u all from the other side.....I ended things meaning I made them official and it feels like I was dumped, feel rejected, feel lost and a wirlwind of horrible other emotions, she didnt do anything bad, we just neglected the relationship, I tried too hard and pushed her away, she didnt deal with some issues she had, instead she pushed them down. I came to a point where I had nothing left to do but walk away. I left her, but Im sure she will "be over" our relationship long b4 me..........but Ill be the healthier one for it..............baby steps lol I just thought another perspective may help. If u have been dumped, look deep and u may find some answers u thought wernt there, then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
peteyj Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Sometimes NC is the best and only way to go. You must move on. When I was younger I really never had serious relationships...Then in my early to mid twenties I had a couple of semi serious LTR... I was with the one girl for like 8 months, but she was just full of crap and I ignored it and when that relationship ended I never spoke to or heard from her again...I honestly don't even remember that girls last name anymore... Kind of sad to not remember anything about somebody you knew for almost a year but I moved on, moved away for work and never looked back... But I did get into a semi rebound relationship with this girl I knew at the time after that break up.... And then a it ended about year and a half with this other girl....She became too controlling and wanted me to answer to her family all the time...We were never really compatible... we didn't like the same things, do the same things, have much to talk about.. I honestly don't know why I stayed with her for so long... Nothing wrong with the girl just everything wrong for us to be a couple really. But her family was a pain in the neck and ridiculed me for going to college...."work at a bar...work in construction" blah blah blah every time I seen them... I we hung out with her family often cause they were one big Italian family who had big weekend dinners all the time with uncles, cousins, aunts, etc. Anyway I guess I just got tired of it all and we broke that off...I never called her again after that but she did call me on her birthday, on my birthday a few months after the break up... She called me on my work number.....When I got a new number at work a few months later because I switched offices....well I never heard from her again. I do remember her last name but honesty I have no clue what she ever did or wound up doing... I've always been one who just moved on.. And being I've lived in NYC, NJ, Philly, Seattle, and now San Diego.........plus I traveled like 100 percent of the time for work when I was younger...it's easy to just move on when you're 3000 miles away...... With my soon to be ex-wife it'll probably be the same way...There is a part of me that wants to remain friends with her.. I mean we've known one another for over 7 years.. We were best of friends for at least 4 years...married for over 3 years.....Right now she's still living with me but either in a few months or by July she'll be wherever and we'll be divorced...... The biggest difference now is I don't have a ton of friends out here.. I've only lived in SD for like 6 months. So besides a few co-worker friends most of the people I know are just people I know... I don't actually go to them if I need help and so on...... For me it sucks how it seems like the 7+ years we've known each other were pointless.. 7+ years is a long time.....Heck the past 5 years we've lived together... Yeah it'll be like anything else and we'll move on but the worst part I think after everything else is that no contact ever sort of means the past 7+ years were one big waste of time......Yeah there are memories but half those memories are joint memories... The stories don't work the same telling some stranger who doesn't know anything about it.... So right now that's the part that sucks for me.....Yeah I'm glad we weren't married 20 years with kids and I found out crap like she did was going on for years...but it's almost like losing a close friend now more than a wife....If I lost one of my close friends for whatever reason it's not exactly something to cheer about....And my wife was one of my closest friends over the past 5 or 6 years. So I think I"m going to miss that now more than anything else...Everything she did has made me move on a lot easier...She's become nothing but a wh$$$ who sleeps with random men every night...But saying all that she was a friend and losing that is probably what sucks more now than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Would you folks in this thread be willing to end sentences with periods instead of connecting the whole thing with a string of excessive-dot ellipsis? It makes what you're writing really hard to read. One period is enough, I promise!!! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author honey2910 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Sedgwick I want to have women perspective on my case. My ex has beautifully planned breakup with me by first associtaing herself with some one else, she still calls him as her friend,however they spend lot of time together, more than what we used to spent as couple. She told me in my last genuine effort to reconcile that she has lost all feelings for me and never regreted her decision. She once told me that "her best friend" treat her as princess. Genuinely speaking I have also realised we have no chance to reconcile but its my ego and jealous which is hurting me more than missing her. I dont know what should I do for this? I cant go on complete NC but still has reduced my contact. Earlier I thought she is in rebound as she started meeting this guy right from next day of our breakup. But slowly they are getting along nicely. It is same girl who told me that she has already her friend not too feel anything love for her however I feel my ex herself has started liking her, arranging trips with him and so on. The problem with me is that I want to move on but some false hopes which I have created myself are holding me back to move on and affecting me severly. I am a very motivated person but this time I am finding helpless to overcome things. My brain knows everyhting but my heart is not in sync with my mind. Oh God!!!!!!!!! what should I do? I want to help myself. I want to move on. I want see myself happy. I want to leave the past. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 It is same girl who told me that she has already her friend not too feel anything love for her however I feel my ex herself has started liking her, arranging trips with him and so on. Since you addressed this to me, I want to give you an answer, but I'm confused by your writing (I'm assuming English is not your first language.) The sentence above doesn't really make sense -- are you trying to say that your girlfriend told this other person (I can't tell if you're talking about a male or a female as you say "ex has started liking her, arranging trips with him.") Does your ex like a woman or a man? Do you mean that she's traveling with her new bf (or gf?) now? I want very much to give you an answer but I'm having trouble understanding what you wrote. Link to post Share on other sites
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