Is it considered abuse if I hit first?

[whatcanyoudo1]

Hi all,

 

I have been married for about 9 years, for the last 1 1/2 my husband has been having an affair. When I became suspicious but found no answers and he refused marriage counseling, AA support groups etc, I retaliated with a revenge affair. For the past 6montsh we have been back and forth between saving the marriage or throwing in the towel. We have gotten physical due to the fact that he wont make a move, no matter how much I ask, beg, plead, demand etc. Like moving out, stopping intimacy to name a few. My last resort is to hit him, then he does what I want. But the last few times he has hit back and this one last time left me with a black eye. The few people that know about it say I should have him arrested. But is it abuse if I hit first? He has never been physical other than when I attack him.

[quankanne]

if you're instigating the abuse, I think you'd be considered victim and aggressor. And it wouldn't be in your favor to keep instigating incidents.

[The Collector]

It's rarely considered abuse when a woman hits a man. But don't be surprised or outraged if he hits you back. Just leave him, like a mature adult.

[Geishawhelk]

Hi all,

 

I have been married for about 9 years, for the last 1 1/2 my husband has been having an affair. When I became suspicious but found no answers and he refused marriage counseling, AA support groups etc, I retaliated with a revenge affair. For the past 6montsh we have been back and forth between saving the marriage or throwing in the towel. We have gotten physical due to the fact that he wont make a move, no matter how much I ask, beg, plead, demand etc. Like moving out, stopping intimacy to name a few. My last resort is to hit him, then he does what I want. But the last few times he has hit back and this one last time left me with a black eye. The few people that know about it say I should have him arrested. But is it abuse if I hit first? He has never been physical other than when I attack him.

 

Bold text?

 

That's when you should both have called it a day.

 

This isn't a relationship, it's a war of nerves.

Physical violence is inexcusable, under any circumstance, and in my opinion you crossed the line.

The first time you hit him, you crossed the line.

I'm not impying he was right, or that you were not provoked, but violence is actually a sign of weakness or desperation.

You lost it.

 

End this now.

Just draw up the papers and have done with it all.

You to guys are toxic - poisonous for each other.

It's pitiful.

[whichwayisup]

You're abusing him and he is reacting by hitting you back.

 

He cheated on you, and then you chose to have an revenge affair, cheated on him.

 

Now you two have a toxic and unhealthy relationship, both of you have no respect, no love, no trust for one another.

 

You both need to either END this, or fix things. Doing what you're doing is just pure craziness!

[Dexter Morgan]

We have gotten physical due to the fact that he wont make a move, no matter how much I ask, beg, plead, demand etc. Like moving out, stopping intimacy to name a few. My last resort is to hit him, then he does what I want. But the last few times he has hit back and this one last time left me with a black eye. The few people that know about it say I should have him arrested. But is it abuse if I hit first? He has never been physical other than when I attack him.

 

Yes, it is assault and battery if you hit first. Technically him hitting back could be considered self defense.

 

Now if woman was to hit me, I'd defend myself. I wouldn't have hit or punched a woman, but a man definitely has a right to defend himself. I'd say restraint from being hit would be preferred.

 

But the people that advise you to have him arrested don't realize that if you tried, he could have you arrested as well since you hit first. And his actions probably won't be seen as total self defense since he could have probably easily restrained you, but I'd say you both go to jail.

 

And this line from you is priceless: "He has never been physical other than when I attack him."

 

You don't see the problem here with wanting to get him arrested after saying this or thinking that maybe, hmmm.....ya, its assault and battery on your part?

[Dexter Morgan]

It's rarely considered abuse when a woman hits a man.

 

thats because men don't tend to report it.

 

But if a man files a complaint and says a woman hit him, they have to act on it.

 

I would only hope my x-W tried to hit me someday. I'd immediately say, "thank you" then break out the cell phone with the local sheriff in my address list.

 

Back to the OP, by the way, I understand your anger. Have you thought about leaving this piece of cheating s##t sorry excuse for a man?

[Trialbyfire]

Bold text?

 

That's when you should both have called it a day.

 

This isn't a relationship, it's a war of nerves.

Physical violence is inexcusable, under any circumstance, and in my opinion you crossed the line.

The first time you hit him, you crossed the line.

I'm not impying he was right, or that you were not provoked, but violence is actually a sign of weakness or desperation.

You lost it.

 

End this now.

Just draw up the papers and have done with it all.

You to guys are toxic - poisonous for each other.

It's pitiful.

 

You're abusing him and he is reacting by hitting you back.

 

He cheated on you, and then you chose to have an revenge affair, cheated on him.

 

Now you two have a toxic and unhealthy relationship, both of you have no respect, no love, no trust for one another.

 

You both need to either END this, or fix things. Doing what you're doing is just pure craziness!

I'm requoting both of these posts for effect. Listen up!

 

Maybe you both need to be reported for physical, mental and emotional abuse. This is insane behaviour.

[wuggle]

STOP HITTING EACH OTHER !

 

If you can't \ won't talk things through then split up. You shouldn't hit him, he shouldn't hit you. You are both abusing each other. Stop it.

[Citizen Erased]

So you're both cheating on each other and both hitting each other?

 

Do you have the IQ of a moldy peach? LEAVE HIM.

 

No offence to any moldy peaches of course.

[whichwayisup]

Please tell me there are no kids involved in this mess. I just re-read your thread and saw that you've been married for 9 years.

[whatcanyoudo1]

OP here--Thanks all for your replies... The last fight was because I want him out of my house and out of my bed (he lives at her place) but he says I cant tell him what to do. That he will leave when he wants to, no one is kicking him out. I was trying to work things out... ignoring their relationship, hoping he would come to his senses but enough is enough. I repeatedly asked him to move out (I do the laundry and drycleaning) but that was his response, that is why I resorted to violence. I got what I wanted, he moved out ( I trew his clothes out) but got a bonus (the black eye)... I know what I have to do, I have my mind made up now, I was just asking about the abuse part---NOT about the relationship part Thanks guys.

[2sure]

You know how sometimes you wonder if crazy people know they're crazy?

 

Well, do you?

 

You have got to end this dysfunction and drama. Once you are away from each other truly, you will look back and see you have driven each other to be people you probably dont want to be.

 

Get your children out of this madness.

You can be OK. You are just caught up in too much.

[Phateless]

You've been hitting him for a while and now he finally hits you back? I don't consider that abuse, I consider that self-defense. Don't hit him.

[dashing daisy]

Let's look at this another way:

 

Husband and wife get in a fight, husband starts hitting her, and she hits him back. Would you say she was the one who was abusive? Would you think she needs to be arrested?

 

There is no place for physical violence in a relationship, period. I guess you could say you are both abusing each other. But to put all the blame on him would be unfair. Yes, he shouldn't hit you, but you shouldn't hit him either. I would guess that if the situation were reversed, and a woman hit her husband back after he started hitting her, you wouldn't say she was abusive. You would say she was defending herself. Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you get a free pass to be physically abusive.

[Phateless]

Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you get a free pass to be physically abusive.

 

That right there is the end of the thread.

[samsungxoxo]

Get out of the dysfuctional relationship now, nuff say. Now if you know well that he/she will retaliate in return for hitting them in the first place, then why risk it?

 

How about finding a punching bag when you get angry, punching bags will never leave you with black eyes.