Move in first or Marriage first?

[oceangrl]

I'm finding it really hard to communicate with my bf about what I want because I'm scared of freaking him out. Lately he has been mentioning more and more about moving in together. When he first mentioned that he was seriously ready to for it, I could feel myself hesitating and I wasn't really sure why.

 

Maybe its because I've seen so many girls from my family, friends, and on LS, struggle with getting their guy to marry them after moving in with them. Recently, one of my friends broke up with her live-in bf of 8 years because he didn't want to get married. I don't want to go through this drama because I have a few more years of school left to focus on.

 

If I tell him that I want to get married before moving in, I'm going to need reasons that are almost indisputable because I'm sure he'll try to pick all those reasons apart. The problem is....I want to get married even though I see many people say that it doesn't change much in your relationship. But maybe, in attempt to make something change in a relationship, girls shouldn't live with a guy before marriage so that there is something that both people can look forward to?

[malibustacydoll]

Perhaps tell him you want to at least be engaged before moving in together. That is what I told my boyfriend and what him and I are doing.. or so I hope..

[carhill]

My wife and I did not live together prior to marriage and doing so wouldn't have made one bit of difference IMO.

 

What is the longest amount of time you and your BF have spent together continuously in each other's domicile? On vacation? You've been together 2 1/2 years, so I'm sure you have plenty of examples. How did that go?

 

At this juncture, IMO, I would not accept an invitation to live together unless the man proactively proposes marriage.

[oceangrl]

Perhaps tell him you want to at least be engaged before moving in together. That is what I told my boyfriend and what him and I are doing.. or so I hope..

 

Whats a good way to hint at it? I just don't want to make it so serious and freak him out...cuz he mentions moving in more than marriage.

 

What is the longest amount of time you and your BF have spent together continuously in each other's domicile? On vacation? You've been together 2 1/2 years, so I'm sure you have plenty of examples. How did that go?

 

I think thats why he wants me to move in....its because I don't spend a long length of time with him often. Its like every other day or every 2-3 days that we're together. We've been away on weekends and over Christmas, we'd spend maybe, at most, 3-4 days together straight.

 

At this juncture, IMO, I would not accept an invitation to live together unless the man proactively proposes marriage.

 

I question why he mentions about moving in togther first before mentioning proposal. he'll talk about marriage sometimes, but he has mentioned in the past that he'd like to think about it AFTER I'm done with school, whih won't be for another 2-3 years. So I assume that he doesn't know I'd rather get married first. And I'm also assume that he wants to move in first before marriage. So knowing that, I don't know if he'll react positively to my idea....i'm trying to think of way to hint without scaring him

[reservoirdog1]

I've been in both situations. I married at 24, and we hadn't lived together yet. Divorced. A year and a half ago, I moved in with now-XGF. She also started the "pressure" about marriage. We broke up (though not because of the marriage issue specifically).

 

Having been there... I'm not sure what the best situation is. With the dead marriage under my belt, I'd started to think that I would never again marry somebody without having lived with them first. Part of me still thinks that's a good way to go -- you don't want to anchor yourself to somebody legally without having firsthand knowledge of what it's like to live with them. I can still see the appeal in doing it that way.

 

However, perhaps there's a middle ground. Don't live together before marriage, or do move in but with a firm wedding date already chosen. But have detailed discussions in advance about the mundane things like assets and liabilities, how household finances will be structured, anticipated income from all sources, what each other's expectations are about time out of the home without the other person, whose furniture will be used and whose will be junked or given away, decorating choices, etc. I'm sure there are others as well; I raise these ones because XGF and I didn't have a terribly detailed conversation about these points, and basically every single one of them became a problem during the cohabitation. Some more than others.

 

None of that would be a guarantee, of course, but it would at least be eye-opening, and potentially help avoid problems down the road.

 

Unless of course you're both happy living together indefinitely without getting married. In which case, you should still have the above discussions, but without the firm date thing.

[Trialbyfire]

There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage first or for that matter, wanting to live together first. YOU have to decide what YOU want.

 

If you want marriage first, why not approach it generically? Mention one of your g/fs who's currently living with someone and casually drop that you wouldn't do that, without marriage. His reaction should tell you his response.

[carhill]

I'm rewinding

 

I'm finding it really hard to communicate with my bf about what I want because I'm scared of freaking him out.

 

"Want" only in the case of marriage before living together? Or, what else? Serious relationship subjects?

 

I don't want to go through this drama because I have a few more years of school left to focus on.

 

Explain. What drama? You mean a normal relationship? Hey, welcome to the real world In your current situation, the gross extent of the drama would simply be to stop dating him. No marital assets, no children, no shared domicile and "stuff". Wanna switch places?

 

I don't spend a long length of time with him often. Its like every other day or every 2-3 days that we're together. We've been away on weekends and over Christmas, we'd spend maybe, at most, 3-4 days together straight.

 

You mean, in 2.5 years, he's never taken you (or you him) on a weeklong vacation? Sharing space like that can give great indicators how living together will go. IME, there's a tip-point where cohabitation compatibility outlives being nice to each other for short periods of time. Tip: the more often you have sex, the longer it will take

 

Personally, I see no downside to continuing as things are. If he talks about moving in, simply tell him you'll be happy to consider it once you've completed school.

[norajane]

Just tell him moving in isn't your thing, and you don't plan to live with anybody until after you're married.

 

You don't have to come up with a list of reasons to justify it. If you prefer to remain independent until you are with someone who is fully committed to you, so be it. It's your right to make that choice.

[oceangrl]

I would never again marry somebody without having lived with them first. Part of me still thinks that's a good way to go -- you don't want to anchor yourself to somebody legally without having firsthand knowledge of what it's like to live with them. I can still see the appeal in doing it that way.

 

I see the advantages of that also, but I see drama too, so like you mentioned, I wonder if couples have found a way to meet in the middle.

 

But have detailed discussions in advance about the mundane things like assets and liabilities, how household finances will be structured, anticipated income from all sources, what each other's expectations are about time out of the home without the other person, whose furniture will be used and whose will be junked or given away, decorating choices, etc.

 

If we do move in together, my parents already have a home ready for us if we choose to. I've been hesitant about telling him this too - I don't want him to marry me out of financial convenience. But if he doesn't want to live in that house, then he would have to find somewhere else, and I wouldn't be able to contribute much because of school for another 2-3 years......so It feels like i can't really help him make decisions because I don't really have a significant income to contribute with.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage first or for that matter, wanting to live together first. YOU have to decide what YOU want.

 

If you want marriage first, why not approach it generically? Mention one of your g/fs who's currently living with someone and casually drop that you wouldn't do that, without marriage. His reaction should tell you his response.

 

That's a good idea..

[Enema]

Do you want to be in a relationship where your husband married you because it's the only way you'd move in?

 

Or, would it be more real if you lived together and he still chose to marry you of his own accord?

 

I say, move in together and set a hidden time-limit on marriage. Say, 2 years. If he hasn't married or at least proposed in 2 years, you move out. No ultimatums, no silly games like this trying to trap a man.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

DEFINITELY move in first......you don't know ALL their habits while just dating..What if he leaves his dirty towels on the floor...or sits on the couch all day drinking beer or is the messiest man alive..i would want to know what it's like living with him before you regret marrying him and finding out when its too late

[malibustacydoll]

Next time he brings up moving in just tell him that you'll have to think about it and that you're not sure. He will of course as why then you can say that you want to make sure that you're in a very serious relationship before doing that. You can also mention that you have heard of girls you wont move in until they are at least engaged. He should get the hint and you can at least see where he stands on it.

[norajane]

DEFINITELY move in first......you don't know ALL their habits while just dating..What if he leaves his dirty towels on the floor...or sits on the couch all day drinking beer or is the messiest man alive..i would want to know what it's like living with him before you regret marrying him and finding out when its too late

 

They've been dating over 2 years. I'm sure she'd pick up on that if she'd spent any time at all at his place.

[carhill]

Unless he has a well-paid housekeeper

 

Seriously, OP, and especially since you mentioned your parents are "giving" you both a home, be exceedingly careful here.

[norajane]

Unless he has a well-paid housekeeper

 

Then it shouldn't matter at all whether he's messy or not since housekeeper can continue to take care of that for the both of them.

 

Living together requires a lot of compromise, and I, personally, don't see what the point is of doing all that hard work if both are not committed to each other in marriage. That kind of thing can totally kill the romance if you get so caught up in working out roommate-type details that you forget why you're even together.

 

Marriage is a commitment to make the relationship work so you can go through life together, come what may, because you WANT to go through life together, come what may. That includes working out who does the laundry and where the dirty towels go.

 

Live your own life until you're both ready to commit. If one of you is not ready to commit, then why would you want to share everything with them by living together?

[carhill]

I was joking about the housekeeper part, though having one might have saved a small bit of what's left of my sanity

 

I'm interested in how easily and effectively the OP can communicate her wants to her BF and how he responds to that. OP? Thoughts?

[oceangrl]

Thanks for the response!

 

"Want" only in the case of marriage before living together? Or, what else? Serious relationship subjects?

 

Yea, "want" as in I want him to marry me before movie in with him. Everything else has been fine.

 

Explain. What drama? You mean a normal relationship? Hey, welcome to the real world In your current situation, the gross extent of the drama would simply be to stop dating him. No marital assets, no children, no shared domicile and "stuff". Wanna switch places?

 

By drama, I mean specifically the drama that some girls face when they move in with their bf and the bf doesn't want to get married, which is why I mentioned my friend that had been with her bf for 8 years. Her mom asked her if she had gotten a ring almost every other month that they were together! I know that if I do move in with him, I'd want to get married. I'd rather focus on school and not on when hes ready for marriage.

 

Switch places? I don't know if he's your type

 

You mean, in 2.5 years, he's never taken you (or you him) on a weeklong vacation? Sharing space like that can give great indicators how living together will go. IME, there's a tip-point where cohabitation compatibility outlives being nice to each other for short periods of time.

 

Nope, we've only had vacations over the weekend, so thats a good idea, we should spend a full week together.

 

Tip: the more often you have sex, the longer it will take

 

Oh, I see our problem now, less is more then...okay

 

You don't have to come up with a list of reasons to justify it. If you prefer to remain independent until you are with someone who is fully committed to you, so be it. It's your right to make that choice.

 

Yeah thats true. The reason I was looking for reasons to justify it is because a lotta people have reasons why they want to move in first before marriage. So if he used one of those reasons, I wanted to be prepared with why I think it might be better to get married first.

 

I say, move in together and set a hidden time-limit on marriage. Say, 2 years. If he hasn't married or at least proposed in 2 years, you move out. No ultimatums, no silly games like this trying to trap a man.

 

I see what you're getting at here. I try my best not to play games. I think that creates more unnecessary drama. But what if both people are ready to get married before moving in? Then maybe I wouldn't have to make the decision to move out if he doesn't want to marry me, and save us both the trouble?

 

They've been dating over 2 years. I'm sure she'd pick up on that if she'd spent any time at all at his place.

 

Yeah, I can kinda tell. Hes more organized than clean and I'm more clean than organized, so i guess it balances out

[oceangrl]

Seriously, OP, and especially since you mentioned your parents are "giving" you both a home, be exceedingly careful here.

 

Yeah, I know....that's probably the thing I've been thinking the most about. My parents don't try to hide this fact either. That's another reason for my hesitation.

 

Living together requires a lot of compromise, and I, personally, don't see what the point is of doing all that hard work if both are not committed to each other in marriage. Live your own life until you're both ready to commit. If one of you is not ready to commit, then why would you want to share everything with them by living together?

 

That's how I personally see it too. Should I communicate something like that to him and just lay out my logic? Or should I just hint at what I want and wait for him to take the lead? Which one is least freaky?

[Trialbyfire]

If he's not living with anyone right now, why not test the waters and move in for a full week, here and there? This way, neither one of you has to commit to living together but you can play house a bit.

[norajane]

That's how I personally see it too. Should I communicate something like that to him and just lay out my logic? Or should I just hint at what I want and wait for him to take the lead? Which one is least freaky?

 

Next time he brings up moving in together, tell him you've thought about it and you've realized you just don't want to live with a guy until you're married. If he asks why, tell him you're not comfortable acting married if you're not both ready to BE married.

[oceangrl]

Thanks guys, I'll give it a try!

[Star Gazer]

Living together requires a lot of compromise, and I, personally, don't see what the point is of doing all that hard work if both are not committed to each other in marriage. That kind of thing can totally kill the romance if you get so caught up in working out roommate-type details that you forget why you're even together.

Marriage is a commitment to make the relationship work so you can go through life together, come what may, because you WANT to go through life together, come what may. That includes working out who does the laundry and where the dirty towels go.

 

Live your own life until you're both ready to commit. If one of you is not ready to commit, then why would you want to share everything with them by living together?

 

I've always agreed with this... That is, until I read this:

 

Do you want to be in a relationship where your husband married you because it's the only way you'd move in?

 

Or, would it be more real if you lived together and he still chose to marry you of his own accord?

 

Crap. Now I don't know what to think!

[dropdeadlegs]

Well, Ive done both, and then some.

 

I've married without living together first. (8 yrs, 3 mos)

 

I've lived together first and then married. (7 yrs 10 mos)

 

Now I'm living with someone I plan to marry! Yeah, the 3rd times a charm.

 

As you can see, the time frame didn't differ much. And that's only because I TRIED VERY HARD! On the live together first guy, I gave him the first "lived together" 9 months which wasn't in a married status. We were married for 7 yrs 1 mo.

 

I did not include dating time at all.

 

Here's my thing. I wouldn't live with someone, or marry them, unless I had my own income and could move out tomorrow. Yes, that's pessimistic, but I have learned that people change and grow. Admittedly I did more growing. The first didn't change, nor has he since, and the second changed in freaky ways. Then he died. And we were divorced when that happened.

 

I suggest being economically self-sufficient because these pairings often result in offspring, and the last thing you want to do is depend on someone else to feed your kid(s). I starved myself based on that factor. Twice. I don't recommend starvation.

 

I do recommend marriage. Though I'm a two-time loser, I'm still game. I also recommend living together. You learn quite a bit about a person through doing so. And the knowledge is different from occasional sleepovers and role playing for days on end. I spent two months with my current guy 2 years ago. I have lived with him for over a year now, and just last week I learned something new. Something disappointing. No worries, it's not a deal breaker, just something I needed to know and can now accept and deal with. It's all good.

[Lauriebell82]

I think living together before marriage is a good idea. It just helps you iron out the kinks. The truth is, if both people are committed to the relationship it really shouldn't make a difference what your marital status is while you are living together. You can leave a relationship whether you are dating, engaged, or married.

 

If you are worried about engagement, then I would wait until you are engaged before making that step. Living together while engaged is good because you can iron out the kinks without having to worry about "why won't he marry me?" I'm starting to think that's a better idea then living together while dating (although it's possible to get engaged once you are living together).

 

I'd tell him that you wouldn't be open to living together until an engagement would happen. Footnote it by saying that it isn't pressure to have him propose, but you just would like to have the committment status before making such a big step. If he loves you, he will understand.

[white.crow]

It does not fare far as an argument while society is mostly clueless about these things... While research has not yet established that cohabitation causes poorer marital interaction or divorce (correlation - yes, causation - not (yet?)), it is clear by now that there is no reason to believe the view that cohabitation in general improves marital prospects. Just thought OP might want to know and possibly digg further into what university folks say.