Move in first or Marriage first?

[oceangrl]

But he still wasn't ready. All the pressure led to tension and resentment in our relationship.

 

Thats exactly what I'd like to avoid. So far, I've seen this happen in every situation with my friends and family. It just takes so much energy away from the relationship.

 

Many women, myself included move in with their bf because we WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

 

I want to move in, but without the resenment and tension mentioned above.

 

a lot of women seem to view the move in as a step in the right direction

 

I agree, I think most women who move in assume that it is the last step before marriage, so they expect to be proposed to.

 

I'll admit it myself, if I move in, I expect a proposal because I want kids and I want to get married eventually. IMO, guys are getting too much of a benefit from living with their gf without getting married. From what I've seen, theres a lack of motivation toward marriage once a girl moves in because the guy doesn't have the chance to miss the girl. But if the girl doesn't want to get married, I understand why moving in wouldn't be a big deal.

 

If he's willing to commit to living together, why won't he commit to marriage?

 

I agree.

[clv0116]

I agree, I think most women who move in assume that it is the last step before marriage, so they expect to be proposed to.

 

I'll admit it myself, if I move in, I expect a proposal because I want kids and I want to get married eventually. IMO, guys are getting too much of a benefit from living with their gf without getting married.

 

 

I'll agree to everything but the benefit part - I don't see the benefit there. The benefit comes when women give it up, playing house isn't that big a deal, indeed it's a negative for a lot of guys. Most guys would prefer you come over, help spiffy the place up, fool around and leave before you have a negative impact on work the next day.

 

Once you are into the marriage and kid zone then it's a real partnership ans everything changes.

[Trialbyfire]

Thats exactly what I'd like to avoid. So far, I've seen this happen in every situation with my friends and family. It just takes so much energy away from the relationship.

It's really your choice and primarily, your understanding of your needs.

 

I want to move in, but without the resenment and tension mentioned above.

It's how you view it, that will create the resentment and tension. Not every relationship ends in marriage and for that matter, marriage shouldn't be viewed as an end-goal. It's the beginning of an even more committed and hopefully "forever" type of relationship.

 

There's risk to every relationship. YOU decide what makes sense for YOU. He'll decide what makes sense for him. If your perspectives match, whether you're living together or not living together, only then will there be a potential future together.

 

Don't get yourself trapped into believing he's the only man in the world for you, in order for you to succeed at your goal of marriage or not. Consider him a candidate for a life-partner, where his actions will define if he's got the right stuff to be a life-partner.

[clv0116]

I want to move in, but without the resenment and tension mentioned above.

 

Why do you want to move i if you think it's going to be "too much of a benefit" for him? Do some soul searching and come back. I'll lay more than even money it ends up being "I want to spend more time with him" or something very similar.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think you should move in with him oceangrl if you are this hesistant. It sounds like you want to get married and he isn't there yet. Guys dont usually move in with girls that they at least don't see a future with (including my BF) unless they are an a-hole just looking for cheap rent and sex. Besides, why would anyone sign a 1 year lease if they didn't plan on being with that person for at least 1 more year?

 

I stand by what I said regarding discussing marriage with him if you haven't already. You have to make sure you are on the same page prior to moving in together. And don't move in together hoping for an engagement. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. I have had lots of friends who move in with their boyfriend then get engaged after some time of living together. If you don't think your boyfriend is there yet, then wait until he is to make such a huge step. Then at least you two will want the same thing out of it.

[oceangrl]

I'll agree to everything but the benefit part - I don't see the benefit there.

 

By "benefit" i mean that, in our case, he gets financial stability (unless there is a divorce) As I mentioned before, my parents have a home ready and I'll probably make enough money to support the both of us.

 

I know that a lot of men don't see marriage as a benefit because of the risk of losing their financial stability in the case of a divorce. My bf sees it this way too...But I can see it the other way around too....because it is easier to save money and to pay off a house when you have a partner....IMO that's one of the benefits that guys get when they move in with their gf, especially if they have a solid relationship with their girl

 

Why do you want to move i if you think it's going to be "too much of a benefit" for him? I'll lay more than even money it ends up being "I want to spend more time with him" or something very similar

 

Yea this is true, I do want to spend more time with him. I'm not willing to contribute financially though, without marriage....even though I'd love to be with him more often.

[eclipseIDE]

There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage first or for that matter, wanting to live together first. YOU have to decide what YOU want.

 

If you want marriage first, why not approach it generically? Mention one of your g/fs who's currently living with someone and casually drop that you wouldn't do that, without marriage. His reaction should tell you his response.

 

 

Why do women act like 7 year old children when talking about important subjects. Why cant she just come out and tell her how she feels instead of hints? If he freaks out thats his problem not hers.

[eclipseIDE]

By "benefit" i mean that, in our case, he gets financial stability (unless there is a divorce) As I mentioned before, my parents have a home ready and I'll probably make enough money to support the both of us.

 

I know that a lot of men don't see marriage as a benefit because of the risk of losing their financial stability in the case of a divorce. My bf sees it this way too...But I can see it the other way around too....because it is easier to save money and to pay off a house when you have a partner....IMO that's one of the benefits that guys get when they move in with their gf, especially if they have a solid relationship with their girl

 

 

 

Yea this is true, I do want to spend more time with him. I'm not willing to contribute financially though, without marriage....even though I'd love to be with him more often.

 

 

 

Lol, of course you see it the other way is because you probably wouldnt have to worry about losing your house if you got married. How many men get the house in divorce compared to women?

 

So you're not willing to be on even ground with him (ie: if you are living together and spliting everything 50/50 as opposed to marriage where it benefits you more than likely) interesting??

[lkjh]

There are actually some stats out there about living together before marriage. People who live together first tend to get divorced more often. This may be because of a lot of reasons but it is definitely something to think about. It may be old fashion but I say marry first and then move in together. It makes the relationship official instead of just to people living together. Also anyone you live with will take some adjusting, so I disagree with the idea of "trying the person out" idea. The idea of moving in with someone just to see if it works does not strike me as appealing.

[boldjack]

Statistics can mean whatever you want them to mean. Whether or not you move in or marry first, the decision must be made by both of you, without coeorcion or pressure. Love and commitment are what matter, if you have them then you will make the choice that suits you best. Good luck

[sb129]

I've always thought this was a ridicules idea, and what a stereotype. Keep in mind that for many women the decision making process doesn't revolve around what will have her married the quickest. Not every choice we make in a relationship is made with the agenda of "how will this impact when he proposes." Many women, myself included move in with their bf because we WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

 

I totally agree with this.

I have lived with two men. One of which I married.

 

Marriage wasn't on my mind in the slightest when I first moved in with either of them- it was a good step to take for a number of reasons, alot of them practical, and the first time it didn't work out.

I am really glad the first time didn't work out, because if I had married him prior to moving in with him, then I would have had to get divorced before I married my H!

 

 

I agree, I think most women who move in assume that it is the last step before marriage, so they expect to be proposed to.

 

.

 

Wrong. See above.

If it matters to YOU however, don't move in before marriage.

 

Whether or not you move in or marry first, the decision must be made by both of you, without coeorcion or pressure.

 

Yup.

[Lauriebell82]

There are actually some stats out there about living together before marriage. People who live together first tend to get divorced more often. This may be because of a lot of reasons but it is definitely something to think about. It may be old fashion but I say marry first and then move in together. It makes the relationship official instead of just to people living together. Also anyone you live with will take some adjusting, so I disagree with the idea of "trying the person out" idea. The idea of moving in with someone just to see if it works does not strike me as appealing.

 

Yeah, but honestly some people just CAN'T live together. (or can't make it work) That's just a fact. So whether or not it's "trying it on for size" or "testing the waters" it can be beneficial for a couple to see if they can make it work. Living together isn't always easy, it takes compromise. Some couples just can't seem to do that (hence the divorce rate).

 

As far as the stats go, I think pretty much ANYTHING can be blamed on divorce nowadays. Kids, affairs, husband didn't come home Sat night, ect. Not that I want to get a divorce or anything, but if you chose the wrong person to marry why stay when you are going to be completely miserable! I lived with my ex boyfriend and thank goodness I did, becuase we would have ended up getting a divorce. Living together was a disaster.

 

Like I said though, you have to be on the same page about things. If you want a proposal or engagement, don't move in together until that happens. What happened to me though was kind of just circumstantial. I didn't want to get engaged or married when we first moved in together. But I didn't realize how "unready" he was. So now 9 months later I'm ready and he's not. So it is a gamble.

 

Ocean, I'd wait until you are at least engaged to move in together. It doesn't sound like it is what you want right now.