Move in first or Marriage first?

[norajane]

The truth is, if both people are committed to the relationship it really shouldn't make a difference what your marital status is while you are living together.

 

That's true. The problems come in when one person is committed in a forever kind of way, and the other person is just trying it on for size.

[Lauriebell82]

IMO I think a guy knows whether or not he wants to marry you prior to moving in together.

 

Have you ever lived with any oceangrl? It's not always easy. A LOT harder than dating. I can see where the trouble you would run into by saying that you don't want to move in together until you are engaged. You know your bf and we don't, so would he percieve that as pressure? Or some kind of condition? I would not suggest setting an internal timeline. While it does give you some leverage, it has the potential to make you obsess and scared if he does not meet your time frame.

 

Have the two of you talked about marriage? I know you said he talks about moving in together, but if the goal is marriage than that needs to be discussed. Do you have an idea of when you'd like to get married? Does he? You could have a conversation with him, not pressuring or anything, just ask him what he thinks a good age to get married is and when he sees himself doing so. Because, living together or not, it doesn't change a guy's time frame of getting married. That is most likely already set. So I suggest having a talk with him. Ask him where he sees himself, and if the two of you are on the same page then go for it!

[Jo78]

It's really just a question of personal preference. You should do what you feel comfortable with.

 

Personally, I'm glad I moved in with my boyfriend before we get married. And just because you wait until marriage, does not guarantee that marriage will happen any sooner.

I got tired of driving back and forth, and wanted to start our life together.

 

So we moved in and during the first couple of months I thought more than once "Who is this person?! At least I can just move out when the lease is up!".

Don't underestimate the adjustment it takes to get used to live with your partner!

 

But we adjusted and now really, really love living together. And now at least I know that I can live with him snoring next to me in bed. I know that I still love him to pieces, even when he lounges on the couch in his PJs, happily farting. Now I know I don't mind watching 6 episodes of Family guy in a row, and in return, he sits through Jon & Kate + 8 with me. I know I can live with his quirky habits, even though they often don't make any sense to me.

 

Of course, now that we live together, family and even complete strangers give us more pressure about getting married.

[Lauriebell82]

Of course, now that we live together, family and even complete strangers give us more pressure about getting married.

 

Yeah the minute I tell people we have been together for 2 1/2 year they ask me when we are getting married.

[allina]

Yeah the minute I tell people we have been together for 2 1/2 year they ask me when we are getting married.

 

Really? That's so weird. I've had family ask me casually if my bf and I were getting married but that's it, no one ever asks us that:confused:

[Lauriebell82]

Really? That's so weird. I've had family ask me casually if my bf and I were getting married but that's it, no one ever asks us that:confused:

 

Well, went to a Christmas get-together with his family. Some family friends were there too, so that's who really asked us. A few of my co-workers have asked, but nothing too invasive.

[Jo78]

Really? That's so weird. I've had family ask me casually if my bf and I were getting married but that's it, no one ever asks us that:confused:

We had strangers inviting themselves to our wedding. And coworkers asking when and how much longer?

[allina]

Well, went to a Christmas get-together with his family. Some family friends were there too, so that's who really asked us. A few of my co-workers have asked, but nothing too invasive.

 

Ah! Ok I thought people you hardly knew were asking after hearing that you've been together 2.5 years. That would be weird.

 

We had strangers inviting themselves to our wedding. And coworkers asking when and how much longer?

 

[Lauriebell82]

We had strangers inviting themselves to our wedding. And coworkers asking when and how much longer?

 

Woah! Most of my coworkers are in their 30's-50's though, so I think that in their eyes 2 1/2 years and living together is a long time in their eyes. Plus my boyfriend's family is a little old fashioned.

[norajane]

But we adjusted and now really, really love living together. And now at least I know that I can live with him snoring next to me in bed. I know that I still love him to pieces, even when he lounges on the couch in his PJs, happily farting. Now I know I don't mind watching 6 episodes of Family guy in a row, and in return, he sits through Jon & Kate + 8 with me. I know I can live with his quirky habits, even though they often don't make any sense to me.

 

Ha, and that's exactly the kind of thing I wouldn't want to deal with unless we had committed to our relationship already!

[birdie]

Ha, and that's exactly the kind of thing I wouldn't want to deal with unless we had committed to our relationship already!

 

then how do you know you can deal with it in the first place? seriously. you are assuming that you can do it but it could very well turn out that you are the one unable to live with someone long term. a lot of people can't deal with it.

 

I don't think marriage authomatically means life-long commitment anymore by the way, people divorce at the drop of a hat. there is just no way of knowing.

[Jo78]

Ha, and that's exactly the kind of thing I wouldn't want to deal with unless we had committed to our relationship already!

No, not me. I would be afraid of the "OMG, what have I done?!" and the "This is not the man I married!" effects. At least, when you know all this, you know you got into this voluntarily and have no one to blame but yourself if it starts annoying you.

[Lauriebell82]

No, not me. I would be afraid of the "OMG, what have I done?!" and the "This is not the man I married!" effects. At least, when you know all this, you know you got into this voluntarily and have no one to blame but yourself if it starts annoying you.

 

Yeah, but marriage can change people's behavior REAL quick. Not all married couples, but some get lazy and their worst traits come out because they figure their partner loves them "for better or for worse."

 

Of course that's not true in every single marriage, but there is a possibilty that the person you lived with will not be the person you marry.

[norajane]

EVERYBODY has their quirks and bad habits. You have to expect that, and if you've been dating seriously to the point of wanting to getting married, you've spent a lot of time together. You know if he snores, you know what he does with his laundry, you know he farts while watching tv, you know he spends hours playing video games or working on his car. None of that stuff should be news if you spend time together.

 

If you're thinking marriage, you've also talked about how you handle finances, where and what kind of home you aspire to keep, what kind of lifestyle you aspire to have, what role family will play in your relationship, views on religion, sex, etc.

 

I lived with someone before, and adjusting to living habits is the same with a partner as it is with any roommate. You just do it because you need to. I don't feel the need to learn how to be roommates until I'm committed and he's committed to the relationship as a whole.

 

I'm older than many of you, though, so I own my own home and I expect most guys I'd be dating at this point would do so as well, so there's no way I'd be selling my place or moving anyone in here unless we're married.

[birdie]

EVERYBODY has their quirks and bad habits. You have to expect that, and if you've been dating seriously to the point of wanting to getting married, you've spent a lot of time together. You know if he snores, you know what he does with his laundry, you know he farts while watching tv, you know he spends hours playing video games or working on his car. None of that stuff should be news if you spend time together.

 

If you're thinking marriage, you've also talked about how you handle finances, where and what kind of home you aspire to keep, what kind of lifestyle you aspire to have, what role family will play in your relationship, views on religion, sex, etc.

 

I lived with someone before, and adjusting to living habits is the same with a partner as it is with any roommate. You just do it because you need to. I don't feel the need to learn how to be roommates until I'm committed and he's committed to the relationship as a whole.

 

I'm older than many of you, though, so I own my own home and I expect most guys I'd be dating at this point would do so as well, so there's no way I'd be selling my place or moving anyone in here unless we're married.

I'm the same, I have my own property but to me it's an investment as well, I wouldn't be selling it ever, would rent it out if I moved in with someone. I would only marry someone who was at least as well off as me because you can't be sure of anything in this life and there is no way I would allow myself to be worse off than before (by dividing up my wealth after divorce for example).

 

you surprised me a little bit, you didn't give me the impression on this thread that you had lived with someone else before.

[oceangrl]

I suggest being economically self-sufficient because these pairings often result in offspring, and the last thing you want to do is depend on someone else to feed your kid(s). I starved myself based on that factor. Twice. I don't recommend starvation.

 

I agree completely. That’s why I’ve been focused more on school.

 

Have you ever lived with any oceangrl? It's not always easy. A LOT harder than dating. I can see where the trouble you would run into by saying that you don't want to move in together until you are engaged. You know your bf and we don't, so would he percieve that as pressure?

 

Actually I haven't lived with any before. I'm not sure how he'd react to me asking for engagment. I guess the issue I struggle with is that I'd rather have him make the decision himself to propose, than for me to ask for it, because I assume that if he's not asking, he's not ready. So yes, it feels like I'm setting up some kind of condition by asking. I think I'll just hint it if he brings it up again.

 

Have the two of you talked about marriage? I know you said he talks about moving in together, but if the goal is marriage than that needs to be discussed. Do you have an idea of when you'd like to get married? Does he?

 

If I didnt have to go back to school, then I'd want to get married in the next year. But because of school, I don't think I'll be ready for another 2-3 years financially. I haven't told him this, and I don't know what his timeline is but I think he's open to the idea. We really should talk about it, but again, I don't want our discussion to lead him thinking that its pressure.

 

Of course, now that we live together, family and even complete strangers give us more pressure about getting married.

 

Thats what I'd like to avoid!!

 

 

You know if he snores, you know what he does with his laundry, you know he farts while watching tv, you know he spends hours playing video games or working on his car. None of that stuff should be news if you spend time together.

 

 

Check. Check. and Check....

 

 

it is clear by now that there is no reason to believe the view that cohabitation in general improves marital prospects. Just thought OP might want to know and possibly digg further into what university folks say.

 

Thanks for this

[norajane]

I'm the same, I have my own property but to me it's an investment as well, I wouldn't be selling it ever, would rent it out if I moved in with someone. I would only marry someone who was at least as well off as me because you can't be sure of anything in this life and there is no way I would allow myself to be worse off than before (by dividing up my wealth after divorce for example).

 

you surprised me a little bit, you didn't give me the impression on this thread that you had lived with someone else before.

 

Oh, I've lived with lots of people in my past. A series of roommates throughout college, a serious bf right after grad school, and then another friend/roommate about 6 or 7 years ago when I first moved to a new city.

 

I speak from experience, not just theory.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I haven't read all the responses, So I may be repeating advice from others, but I wanted to give you my opinion. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years 9 months, living together for 3 years. We bought a home, two vehicles, and a dog together. In this whole time living together, I constantly "hinted" at marriage. The longer we were together, the more pressure I put on him. I would remind him how long we've been together, how much we have together, the financial benefits of getting married, etc. We had talk after talk about it. But he still wasn't ready. All the pressure led to tension and resentment in our relationship. Then, I found out he talked to other women behind my back. Went nuts! Lol. Started checking his phone records, etc. To make a long story short, the pressure of marriage on him and my unwillingness to just go with the flow and let things happen naturally had the opposite effect I was going for. It pushed him further away and drove a wedge in between us. That problem stemmed to other problems and we eventually broke up...he moved out for three weeks. (We're back together now)

 

When he left, I made a decision. No more talking about marriage. Ever. If we talk about it, its because he brought it up. And even when he does, I stay cool about it and act indifferent. Then change the subject. And guess what. In less than two months, he has been dropping hints about trying to find a way to save money. I ask why and he says well I gotta pay for your ring somehow. I say oh then change the subject. (When you walk away, then smile cuz u know you want to, lol) I also recommend getting your own life. That way, you are not always available to him. Especially if you do decide to live together. This is not manipulation or anything like it. It's giving him what he wants...a chase. Men want to chase you. If you give your all to him and pressure him to get married, he'll rebel...push against all attempts to tie him down. Let it be completely his decision. When he is chasing you, he is thinking you are the prize...and a prize he doesn't want anyone else to have...so what better way to keep you all to himself than to tie you down...aka marry you.

 

My point is whether you decide to move in together or not, do not pressure marriage. It has to be his decision. Also, read the book Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches. Thats where all the above came from. I read those books and it gave me insight into a man that I would never have thought of. And what the author says is true.

[Star Gazer]

The problems come in when one person is committed in a forever kind of way, and the other person is just trying it on for size.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

IMO I think a guy knows whether or not he wants to marry you prior to moving in together.

 

Very wrong, at least in your case, LB. See the above by NJ.

 

Have the two of you talked about marriage? I know you said he talks about moving in together, but if the goal is marriage than that needs to be discussed.

 

This also contradicts your own statement above, LB.

[Trialbyfire]

GEG, I agree and disagree. If a man needs the perpetual chase, he's got some issues to address, if he wants to have a mature and sustaining relationship. Don't game.

 

The part that I agree with is that if you honestly aren't in a hurry for marriage, there are enough men who feel it's something they want and pursue it. This comes from a place of experience as well, since I've never been in a hurry for marriage but have received quite a number of proposals. I also feel that each one of these, including the one I accepted, wasn't the right person for me, in that we had incompatibilities of different kinds.

[birdie]

Oh, I've lived with lots of people in my past. A series of roommates throughout college, a serious bf right after grad school, and then another friend/roommate about 6 or 7 years ago when I first moved to a new city.

 

I speak from experience, not just theory.

 

sure but to me only the serious boyfriend counts because of the emotional content. when I lived with roommates if they annoyed me I could just shut the door so to me that's not the same at all than living with my ex for 9 years

[OTgirl]

I think norajanes sums up my thoughts well!

 

I may be a minority here, but I'd suggest NOT living together before marriage. Like Norajanes said, if you seriously dated someone for an extended period (at least 2-3 years) you really do know all their habits. You know who they really are. Likewise, they know you inside and out.

 

If he's willing to commit to living together, why won't he commit to marriage?

 

Don't pressure him into marriage, but maybe hint that your ready to take the relationship to the next level. If your not ready to talk to him about this in a casual way, then aren't ready for marriage.

 

Living together before marriage makes perfect sense. It really does. But do some research on the topic, especially from marriage builders. It really does put you at a greater risk for divorce.

[clv0116]

I guess I'm atypical but I can't imagine being a single guy and wanting a woman in my house 24/7; what's the point of that? I'd have to be married before I'd ever let that happen.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but my experience in talking with friends has been that their GF always wants to move in as a way to control and consume their time and then they try to leverage that into a proposal. Not a single guy in my circle of friends has ever (admitted to) been the initiator of the GF move in discussion. In fact most of them are either neutral or slightly against the situation.

[allina]

 

If he's willing to commit to living together, why won't he commit to marriage?

 

 

I've always thought this was a ridicules idea, and what a stereotype. Keep in mind that for many women the decision making process doesn't revolve around what will have her married the quickest. Not every choice we make in a relationship is made with the agenda of "how will this impact when he proposes." Many women, myself included move in with their bf because we WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

[clv0116]

.... Many women, myself included move in with their bf because we WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

 

Look, I'm not saying it's bad that you want to get married. I'm just saying in my experience women are almost always the ones trying to escalate the relationship past sex and on to something more, and a lot of women seem to view the move in as a step in the right direction.

 

I'm just saying that unless we're gonna start a family there's no point in marriage and if we're not gonna be married and raising kids there's no point in having someone else wandering around my house at random times. Every single guy I know agrees to that general idea although views on family and kids vary widely.