My 16-year-old daughter wants to marry a 52-year-old man!

[dawnb3442]

Hi there,

 

I have a 16-year-old daughter and have recently found out that she is dating a 52-year-old man.

 

She is talking about marriage and children with this man; personally I don't understand why she wants to marry someone so much older than her.

 

My daughter says she loves this man and that their relationship is very good. I worry for her, though.

 

I have also found out off a friend of my daughter's that this man and my daughter are having sex and a full relationship; I phoned the police about this but they said they can't do anything as she is at the legal age of consent (we live in Great Britain).

 

Her father is not being very helpful; all he says about their relationship is if it makes them happy, then they should go for it.

 

My daughter says she loves him for who he is, not wanting a father figure or anything like that - and even wants to have children with him.

 

What should I do? Help me please.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Can you get someone to do a complete background check on this man?

[movingonandon]

Hi there,

 

I have a 16-year-old daughter and have recently found out that she is dating a 52-year-old man.

 

She is talking about marriage and children with this man; personally I don't understand why she wants to marry someone so much older than her.

 

My daughter says she loves this man and that their relationship is very good. I worry for her, though.

 

I have also found out off a friend of my daughter's that this man and my daughter are having sex and a full relationship; I phoned the police about this but they said they can't do anything as she is at the legal age of consent (we live in Great Britain).

 

Her father is not being very helpful; all he says about their relationship is if it makes them happy, then they should go for it.

 

My daughter says she loves him for who he is, not wanting a father figure or anything like that - and even wants to have children with him.

 

What should I do? Help me please.

 

wow; There is nothing much you can do except talk to her and try to understand what is really going on in her mind and with this 'relationship'. how did they meet? what do they do together etc. withold judgement for a second, though it is kinda weird. if things get out of line, you probably still have some legal authority over her (until she's 18, no?) so you could probably try to coerce her out of it, though this rarely, if ever works with teenagers... intervention with her friends andfamily, maybe?

also, it may be wise to confront the guy himself - given such a discrepancy it probably won't be completely out of line to try to figure out what's going on

 

finally, you can give her my phone number. I'm only 32, Jesus...

[dawnb3442]

Can you get someone to do a complete background check on this man?

 

This man is a local motor trader. She met him when she was in a McDonald's with her friends. He used to be a teacher a few years ago, but it was in a different region of the UK to ours, my daughter has said.

 

I find the whole relationship kinda weird.

 

From the few times I've met this man he seems OK, but the age-gap thing just makes me feel ill. :sick:

 

She refuses to spend time with her friends, spending all her time with this man. However, on the upside, at least she's still studying hard, and doing well with her GCSEs - which will be finished by June this year.

[dawnb3442]

My husband's laidback attitude towards this situation annoys me but he still says "Anything for Daddy's little girl" to her.

[anne1707]

I am not a parent so no hands on expertise of teenagers but I would not recommend doing things like trying to ban your daughter from seeing this man. Fights between you may only drive her to him. Trying to keep communication between you and your daughter is essential so maybe set some ground rules for when she sees him.

 

Before anybody come down on me for this, I do think this is a horrible situation and I cannot put my true thoughts about this man on this public forum. I just don't want you to lose your daughter and being hard on her may result in that. She cannot marry him without parental consent so hopefully if she continues to see him with your "permission" (that does make my stomach churn as it must for you), then maybe she will realise that she is with somebody close in age to her grandfather and end things.

 

What else do you know about this man? Why does he not teach anymore? That combined with the relationship with your daughter does make me wonder whether he has a history of teacher-pupil relationships. Do you know whether he has any family? They would probably be as appalled at the idea of this relationship as you are. Just a thought...

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

You need to sit her down and show her how spring/fall relations end up. Show her Charlie Chaplain and his wife. She needs to know if she remains with him she will be his caretaker by the time she reaches her mid 30s. And that could last for twenty or more years. There will be medical issues as he ages. And that they will drain her both emotionally and financially. She will end up being his parent. He will not be there for her physically. There was a great movie you need to have her sit down and watch. I believe it is called the last civil war widow (american movie) It stars Diane Lane and Donald Sutherland. She may get a new perspective on the situation.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Come to America....its illegal here to sleep with a 16yr old

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Something is very wrong with this man. I would make it my business to find out what it was. Is your daughter on birth control? 16 years old is still a child. Will she be going away to university?

[quankanne]

get a feel for the lay of the land by socializing with them as a couple. I guarantee you'll figure out what his intentions are the more time you spend with them.

 

if this guy is on the up and up, my thought is that he's going to show you proper respect as this girl's parent and do his best to cultivate a positive relationship with you because he knows that it's important ... and because he's a decent guy.

 

this also might make your daughter change her mind about being with someone old enough to be her daddy – if you give approval and encouragement, when she's trying to act out, she could end up dropping the guy because he's no longer considered "bad" in your eyes!

[Geishawhelk]

Whilst it may be legal for her to be sleeping with him, you are still her legal guardian and as such are responsible for her.

 

However, I would point out that the fact that he is 52, and the fact that she is having sex, are two different issues.

You wouldn't be so concerned about her having sex with a boyfriend who was say 18 years of age, as much, would you?

 

I'll be honest with you.

 

Tell her, providing she keeps up with her schoolwork and concentrates on her studies, she's free to date him. Remind her that, notwithstanding the sexual aspect, you are still legally responsible for her and as such, you want the best for her, but as long as he is good to her, treats her well and respects her, you will let things stand as they are. However, you expect, in return that she will still attend school, undertake her studies and concentrate on her education primarily, during the week.

 

Hopefully, by taking off the pressure, there may be a chance this novelty will wear off, and things will begin to pale.

 

But the more pressure you apply, the worse it will be.

[LostLamb]

Hi,

 

I am sorry to hear your story. I think a 52 y/o and a 16 y/o is morally dubious and belongs on Trisha

.There's not much you can do as she is old enough to give consent.

If you show you are angry and against the relationship , it will push them closer together. I think you have to keep a close eye on the relationship and make sure you meet him. I am surprised your husband is calm about it!

[wuggle]

get a feel for the lay of the land by socializing with them as a couple. I guarantee you'll figure out what his intentions are the more time you spend with them.

 

if this guy is on the up and up, my thought is that he's going to show you proper respect as this girl's parent and do his best to cultivate a positive relationship with you because he knows that it's important ... and because he's a decent guy.

 

this also might make your daughter change her mind about being with someone old enough to be her daddy – if you give approval and encouragement, when she's trying to act out, she could end up dropping the guy because he's no longer considered "bad" in your eyes!

 

 

Good advice, If you get on well with the guy your daughter might also see his age more clearly if he & you are talking about and relating to things that she is too young to remember. It might make it clearer to her that he is the age of her parents.

[anne1707]

What do others think about this? If this man is "accepted" into the family house and "accepted" by the parents then would he not seem more like a friend of mum and dad rather than boyfriend and not such an exciting prospect for a 16 year old girl? May be he would then be seen as old, dull, past it, etc

 

An absolute killer as a decent caring parent to do but it might be a way of making the daughter lose interest.

[malibustacydoll]

I would refuse to let her see it. She is living under your roof and you are still her mom. However, this can backfire because she is at the age to where she could say she doesnt leave you and just leave or go move in with him. She is way too young to make such a decision like this regardless of how much older the guy is. I don't know how you have let it progress this much. If I were you I would sit down and talk with her, and even refuse that this continue. I would tell her she has to wait until she is at least 18 before she can see him again. By then I am sure she will find someone else.

 

I don't mean this to be a rude question in any way-- but do you know if the man has a lot of money? Could it be that your daughter just wants to be his prize for a while and eventually get some money out of him? I am not trying to overstep my boundaries because I don't know the situation at all-- and only know what you tell me. However, this may be one dynamic.

 

Ban her from seeing him. Only let her go to and from school or do whatever you have to do. That is just my 2 cents.

[amymarieca]

I think you are being way too relaxed about this whole situation. Your daughter is 16 years old. She is no where near old enough to know any better. Why are you allowing a 52 year old man to be near her? He obviously only sees your daughter as a sex object. What else could they possibly have in common?

 

It is your responsibility to make sure this man does not see her anymore. Shame on you if you let this go on any further. My parents would have never allowed this to happen.

[quankanne]

I would tell her she has to wait until she is at least 18 before she can see him again.

 

there's the rub: This might be this parent's heart's desire, but when you're dealing with a passionate teenager who most likely will do whatever it takes to prove her way is "right," banning the codger from her life isn't the answer. Which is why I suggest to mom to keep a close eye on the both of them by socializing with them as a couple. As another person pointed out, the girl just may very well see his age in context with mom around and decide to not pursue the relationship. Especially if she thinks mom isn't as freaked out about it as she imagined.

[Geishawhelk]

This is the weird anomaly in British Law.

A juvenile is still considered a minor until aged 18. Can't vote, can't drink - but can have sex at 16.

 

So the mother here, is stuffed every which way.

 

This is why there has to be a line of logical reasoning in this situation. it's not a question solely, of the disparity in ages. It's a question of not letting the mother let her heart rule her head.

If she plays it logically and reasonably, events will turn out far more favourably than letting emotion and taste, guide her moves. That is a recipe for disaster.

[Trialbyfire]

Can you get someone to do a complete background check on this man?

This is great advice. Something tells me you're going to find out why he's no longer teaching. Contact a PI. While this will cost you, your daughter is well worth the cost.

[dawnb3442]

In response to your questions:

 

I don't mean this to be a rude question in any way-- but do you know if the man has a lot of money? Could it be that your daughter just wants to be his prize for a while and eventually get some money out of him? I am not trying to overstep my boundaries because I don't know the situation at all-- and only know what you tell me. However, this may be one dynamic.

 

The man does have money, but it's enough to make a living to and to afford a bit bigger than a council house. He's made a decent enough living out of his work in the motor trade, and his teaching.

 

What else do you know about this man? Why does he not teach anymore? That combined with the relationship with your daughter does make me wonder whether he has a history of teacher-pupil relationships. Do you know whether he has any family? They would probably be as appalled at the idea of this relationship as you are. Just a thought...

 

He's gave up teaching well over a decade ago - in fact, he stopped teaching in 1994, and has been in the motor trade since 1995, that's 14 years now he's worked in that industry. Apparently, according to my daughter, the "cut-and-thrust of the motor trade" seemed like something that was natural for him to do. She said he used to teach motor maintenance at colleges in Leeds, Sheffield and Kingston-upon-Hull in the early 1990s.

 

That is the only reason he is no longer employed as a teacher, nothing sinister. My daughter seems to be very open about this relationship.

 

Good advice, If you get on well with the guy your daughter might also see his age more clearly if he & you are talking about and relating to things that she is too young to remember. It might make it clearer to her that he is the age of her parents.

 

I'm only 37 years old, so a fair bit younger than him, and my husband's 38!

 

I think you are being way too relaxed about this whole situation. Your daughter is 16 years old. She is no where near old enough to know any better. Why are you allowing a 52 year old man to be near her? He obviously only sees your daughter as a sex object. What else could they possibly have in common?

 

My daughter says to me that her relationship with this man is way more than sexual, they both like music, socialising and having fun and automobiles - and she wants to take him out clubbing at the weekend in the local nightclubs and discos! She said apparently he thinks he is "uber-cool" and she agrees with him. I find it a bit embarrassing for someone of his age to do.

She also says that he doesn't treat her as a sex object, but as an equal partner and loves her as much as she loves him.

 

As for my husband, he gets on with him OK, which I suppose might be seen as strange - normally most parents have something against their daughter's boyfriends. However, the age gap between him, me and my husband does show at times - not often though, for now, anyway.

 

We have socialised with him once, and he seemed like a decent guy, but the 36-year age gap is the most worrying thing

 

As for the suggestions regarding a background check, does my daughter's openness actually help or hinder the situation?

[anne1707]

she wants to take him out clubbing at the weekend in the local nightclubs and discos! She said apparently he thinks he is "uber-cool" and she agrees with him. I find it a bit embarrassing for someone of his age to do.

 

 

Go for it!!!

 

Can you imagine how ridiculous this man is going to look. And in front of her friends too.

[Trialbyfire]

She's not legally old enough to go clubbing. This would be interesting if she were caught with fake ID, being enabled by her 52 year-old lover.

[dawnb3442]

Go for it!!!

 

Can you imagine how ridiculous this man is going to look. And in front of her friends too.

 

This 52-year-old man thinks he is "down wiv da kids" apparently. I just don't get why a 52-year-old would want to go to nightclubs or discos (well, maybe a small minority would, but that's another point).

 

I've no idea what the reaction from her friends will be, but it won't be good will it?

 

My daughter's always been very open about things, but is this too open?

 

She's still insistent on marrying this man and having his children.

[dawnb3442]

She's not legally old enough to go clubbing. This would be interesting if she were caught with fake ID, being enabled by her 52 year-old lover.

 

"Clubbing" in this sense refers to school discos or discos held in youth clubs and the like, not nightclubs as such for over-18s.

 

Gawd, youth terminology these days is so confusing. In my day it was much simpler.

[Geishawhelk]

Dawn... really.....having discussed this a bit now.... and knowing him as you do..... what is your gut instinct telling you?