My 16-year-old daughter wants to marry a 52-year-old man!

[anne1707]

I know somebody that age who thinks he can go clubbing. He just looks a fool. And the reaction from her friends would not be good at all - shame

 

If your daughter chooses to take him clubbing then she has set herself up for the fall, not you - the best scenario for you. (I knwo you do not want your daughter to be upset, but there is no getting out of this without tears)

 

Remember - she cannot marry without permission. Tell her things like OK, see him but school, etc as recommended by Geisha. Hopefully she has enough sense to only be thinking of children in the future.

[dawnb3442]

Dawn... really.....having discussed this a bit now.... and knowing him as you do..... what is your gut instinct telling you?

 

To be honest my gut instinct is telling me to play it by ear, but I'm not really certain where to go with this situation or how it will pan out.

[dawnb3442]

I know somebody that age who thinks he can go clubbing. He just looks a fool. And the reaction from her friends would not be good at all - shame

 

If your daughter chooses to take him clubbing then she has set herself up for the fall, not you - the best scenario for you. (I knwo you do not want your daughter to be upset, but there is no getting out of this without tears)

 

Remember - she cannot marry without permission. Tell her things like OK, see him but school, etc as recommended by Geisha. Hopefully she has enough sense to only be thinking of children in the future.

 

 

She wants me to give her permission to marry him as soon as she turns 17.

As for the clubbing thing, wouldn't this subject her to bullying and the like?

[anne1707]

"Clubbing" in this sense refers to school discos or discos held in youth clubs and the like, not nightclubs as such for over-18s.

 

Gawd, youth terminology these days is so confusing. In my day it was much simpler.

 

Even better - he will look more like the headmaster!

 

Your daughter will, to be blunt, look like an idiot. But she can recover from this far more quickly and be less of the fool than if she married this man.

[Citizen Erased]

She wants me to give her permission to marry him as soon as she turns 17.

As for the clubbing thing, wouldn't this subject her to bullying and the like?

 

Do you plan on giving it to her?

 

Sounds like this girl expects to be given everything she wants. Have her parents done anything to make her think differently?

[carhill]

Mid-life crisis and a randy teenager. I think back about some of the mums I lusted after when I was 16

 

OP, how would your H treat an 18 year old wanting to "date" your daughter? Would he want to meet him and get to know him in that way only a father can do?

 

Does this man have any children of his own?

 

Personally, I'd do a fair bit of behind the scenes work before interacting with daughter further. Leave everything neutral except for the usual expectations of her regarding family and school, etc. Gather information.

 

I don't envy you. I'm this man's age (including the mid-life crisis) and can't imagine what is going through his head. Has he ever been married before?

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

I don't envy you. I'm this man's age (including the mid-life crisis) and can't imagine what is going through his head. Has he ever been married before?

 

Oh c'mon.

 

I've seen several of your posts. You seem like an intelligent and imaginative man.

[nittygritty]

Don't allow her to date him anymore and definitely don't give her permission to marry him at 17.

 

It's still your responsibility to lookout for your daughter's best interests. You and your husband need to get on the same page and not allow her to continue this relationship with him. Start by cutting off every way that they contact each other.

 

Which may seem harsh and she will no doubt be furious for awhile but you can't passively let this continue without trying to intervene. She'll hopefully understand your reasons someday when she's more mature.

 

Tell him yourself that you don't want him contacting your daughter and that she's not allowed to see him. They could be planning to intentionally get pregnant, so you need to act immediately, while you still can put a stop to it.

 

He's taking advantage of her immaturity. Regardless of what you can find out from a background check, it's obvious that the guy has issues.

[norajane]

Don't give her permission to marry at 17. Tell her university first, so she has an education and then a career. She'll need the income when her geezer retires and she's 30.

 

And really, she's jumping the gun a bit, isn't she? Has this guy even ASKED her to marry?

 

Definitely let her take him clubbing. That will do more to show her how deluded she is about his age than anything you can say.

 

Invite him over all the time. Spend all kinds of time asking questions about his retirement plans and arthritis pains and whether he's had his blood pressure checked recently. Preface everything with stuff like, "You're near my father's age, and he just had to go in for another colonoscopy. Have you started getting your colon checked for polyps?" and, "Remember when there was no internet and cell phones? Why, when you were our daughter's age, there were only rotary dial telephones, right?"

 

Invite your parents and your husband's parents over when this guy comes. They'll probably have all kinds of things in common to talk about. Maybe your daughter needs to see that he's closer to grandpa in age than to even her father.

 

Has he ever been married? Does he have children? I'd get that PI, if I were you, and have them dig into his background. There's something seriously wrong with a guy his age who will date a 16 year old. Wanting to is one thing, but doing it is quite another.

 

Your daughter is open about his past, but she only knows what he TELLS her. She has no idea why he really stopped teaching, or what skeletons he has in his closet.

[carhill]

Oh c'mon.

 

I've seen several of your posts. You seem like an intelligent and imaginative man.

No, seriously, I can't imagine it. I interact with teenage girls a fair amount (friend's children and grandchildren mostly) and seriously can't imagine what I'd see in a teenage girl that I'd find attractive. I'd likely see her as a daughter I never had and want to give her "fatherly advice", which I've done plenty of, like stay away from lecherous old farts like me

[amymarieca]

This is the most ridiculous thread I have ever seen. I am not normally a judgmental person (or I try not to be), but some of these responses don't make sense and I am actually a little disgusted that the mother is allowing her daughter to be in this position. Does anyone else not see this as very sick and twisted?

 

Can we not see that there is a 36 year age difference? This is a huge problem for many reasons. First of all, no matter what you say, he is using her for sex. There is absolutely nothing that a 52 year old and a 16 year old have in common. She may say that they do things other than have sex, but do you really fully trust the judgment of a 16 year old? She is not old enough to know better. He could just be doing all of those things to get in her pants.

 

Secondly, he says he left the teaching position to work in the trades. I am a teacher myself. If I was fired for sexual misconduct at my job, I certainly would not make that well known information if I could control it. Sure, the big cases usually make the media, but trust me, a lot of them don't. He certainly wouldn't tell you if that was the case either. How could you not suspect that he was fired for sexual misconduct when he is dating a 16 year old child? Seems fishy to me.

 

I also think it would be foolish to let the daughter get married at 17. She is still a teenager for crying out loud! Not only that, she will be widowed by the time she is 30.

 

I think that if you really cared about your daughter you would ask this man to not see her anymore. This is ridiculous.

[Standbyou]

There are two ways faster solve the problem,but not surely:

1. Get a same age good looking boy close to your daughter.

2. Introduce a woman chasing this old man...

[Geishawhelk]

The marriage thing: Definitely not. This is one of the "conditions" I was talking about.

She has to finish her education, and get the best marks possible. 17 isn't all that different to 18, so what's the rush? Once she's 18 anyway, there will be nothing anyone can do. Permission denied.

 

Do you know what I think would be a good idea?

Family Counselling.

To include you, your H., and the 2 of them.

 

Some people here are repulsed by the age difference.

Whilst I can see your point, and frankly, it does seem extremely odd that a girl would be drawn to a man of this age - what the heck are you all really concerned about?

If he had been secretive, covert and shameful in his behaviour, and never met the parents, then I would understand, but the guy is very open, honest and up-front.

 

This is just social phobia. In America, in some regions, the age of consent differs wildly. But there's no limit to upper age.

 

There is massive social and moral prejudice about a relationship like this, purely because of society's current proccupation with, and fear of, paedophilia.

Understandably, and rightly so.

But this is nothing like it.

 

He seems genuine. he seems sociable. He seems to be upfront and open. He seems to be mature.

And perhaps the girl of 16 (and we all have a mental image of what that would be) is actually a very mature person, and doesn't have many close friends of her age, because they might seem immature to her.

This is all hypothesis by the way, I realise that.

 

But my point is that all we have is personal prejudices, words on a page and impressions.

we'rer all jumping down the guys' throat.

I would think he finds all this rather unexpected too.

[Viking]

I'm only 37 years old, so a fair bit younger than him, and my husband's 38!

 

Have him come over and have her see how much older he is than you. When he gets there, say something to the effect of, "You remind me of my dad in that outfit. He has the same silvery hair and blah blah blah." She will see that everyone else sees him as an OLD MAN compared to her. My father is 50 and I'd be appalled if he was dating someone younger than me.

 

To be honest my gut instinct is telling me to play it by ear, but I'm not really certain where to go with this situation or how it will pan out.

 

To be honest, don't listen to your gut. Where can this possibly go besides the rest/nursing home and a lonely rainy day in a cemetery while she balls her eyes out at the age of 40 and is all of the sudden no longer as desirable as she was when she was in her mid-twenties?

 

She wants me to give her permission to marry him as soon as she turns 17.

As for the clubbing thing, wouldn't this subject her to bullying and the like?

 

Tell her she can't marry him because he is a dirty old man. Take her to the store and show her the diapers she will be changing while her friends are out clubbing, having fun with good looking guys their own ages. Show her the kind of places she will have to go when he has health issues and show her the crying wives who have a sick husband. Everyone will assume that its her father, not husband.

 

It is sick and perverted. To allow it is almost as bad.

 

As for the bullying and teasing, good. When she sees how messed up it really is to everyone but her, she'll realize that its pretty gross. Also, she will live with the stigma of having had an old man inside of her. Blunt, yes, but because you didn't act the parent in the relationship, she's marred for life with that. Because you didn't want to possibly discipline her, she is now acting out. Don't act surprised, much of this has to do with the lack of parenting, and perhaps your husband should have a lot of the blame placed on him for this due to his "whatever makes princess happy, even if it means getting boned by some old man...". Gross.

 

Do you plan on giving it to her?

 

Sounds like this girl expects to be given everything she wants. Have her parents done anything to make her think differently?

 

It sounds like it. Spoiled and undisciplined. Your husband is at fault there, or so it sounds.

[dawnb3442]

Have him come over and have her see how much older he is than you. When he gets there, say something to the effect of, "You remind me of my dad in that outfit. He has the same silvery hair and blah blah blah." She will see that everyone else sees him as an OLD MAN compared to her. My father is 50 and I'd be appalled if he was dating someone younger than me.

 

The guy isn't balding, or even silvery-haired, he looks a bit like this guy:

http://carsinthefastlane.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/jeremy-clarkson.jpg

 

(Jeremy Clarkson, as seen on BBC1's Top Gear, for any British readers here)

 

He's 50, but passes easily for someone of 40 - 42 years old for some reason.

 

To be honest, don't listen to your gut. Where can this possibly go besides the rest/nursing home and a lonely rainy day in a cemetery while she balls her eyes out at the age of 40 and is all of the sudden no longer as desirable as she was when she was in her mid-twenties?

 

I'll take that advice on board.

 

 

Tell her she can't marry him because he is a dirty old man. Take her to the store and show her the diapers she will be changing while her friends are out clubbing, having fun with good looking guys their own ages. Show her the kind of places she will have to go when he has health issues and show her the crying wives who have a sick husband. Everyone will assume that its her father, not husband.

 

How would I do that, and what places would I show her crying wives who have a sick husband?? (apart from the nursing/rest homes).

 

What kind of places will she have to go to when he has health issues (apart from the doctors, the local hospital, GP etc.)?

 

As for diapers, are they the same as in this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adult_diaper

 

I thought only incontinent people, astronauts and diaper fetishists wore those - not old men.

 

It is sick and perverted. To allow it is almost as bad.

 

As for the bullying and teasing, good. When she sees how messed up it really is to everyone but her, she'll realize that its pretty gross. Also, she will live with the stigma of having had an old man inside of her. Blunt, yes, but because you didn't act the parent in the relationship, she's marred for life with that. Because you didn't want to possibly discipline her, she is now acting out. Don't act surprised, much of this has to do with the lack of parenting, and perhaps your husband should have a lot of the blame placed on him for this due to his "whatever makes princess happy, even if it means getting boned by some old man...". Gross.

 

Bullying is bad, I've taught my daughter that. However, my daughter just can't or won't see how weird it is.

 

It sounds like it. Spoiled and undisciplined. Your husband is at fault there, or so it sounds.

 

She's not undisciplined - we brought her up to have respect for people, neither is she spoiled, I taught her the value of money.

[Viking]

I meant diapers from her kids. She'll be envying her friends while they're having a good time traveling and being young and she's 18-25 with baby poop on her hands and the little thing crying because it wants to be fed.

 

Does this guy have any friends his own age? How about suggesting she go play cribbage or horseshoes with them? Maybe take a lovely stroll out by the beach where they can reminisce about the olden days...oh wait, he's 36 years older than her. She doesn't know anything about that.

 

The guy you posted looks old. Its not a healthy relationship that she's in.

 

As for being spoiled, I didn't mean monetarily. I meant getting whatever she wants, whether it is permission to marry this geezer (codger) or the newest iPod thing. Is she used to getting her way in every situation?

 

The doctor's office or hospital is the best place for her to see what happens to people as they age. He will age just as your or I, but the difference is he's 36 years closer to it than she is, therefore, she'll be watching "grandpa" wither away because he's more than THREE TIMES her age.

 

Maybe the best thing is for her to become bullied. Not fun as a parent to watch, I'm sure, but kids are being so sheltered that they don't have skin thick enough to handle a lot of what is said. Don't let your daughter remain weak by protecting her all of the time. Enough with the PC bull****. Your country and mine is rampant with it. It has to end, and your daughter is a product of the PC generation. The "whatever makes them happy" mindset is what put your daughter in this bind. How come you didn't tell her to wait until she was older for sex/wait until she was married?

 

How long have they been going out? Why do you think it is appropriate for them to have sex? Can you "ground" her? Is she using protection? This man has tainted your adolescent daughter in the worst possible way.

 

Here in the States, he'd be a pedophile and arrested and put in jail. Hell, she's BARELY old enough to operate a vehicle on her own here in the US. She clearly is deluded about what love it. She's in love with the notion that this guy loves her. But in reality (this might sound harsh), she's a hole that he can fill and she keeps coming back for more. What more could he want? She's going to be left feeling empty/used when she realizes what he was REALLY up to!

[MichelleS1983]

She's not undisciplined - we brought her up to have respect for people, neither is she spoiled, I taught her the value of money.

She obviously IS undisciplined. If I ever was ignorant or obnoxious enough to be giving some middle aged pervert the time of day back when I was 16, my mother would have put an end to it immediately, of THAT you can be sure. Your husband sounds like a fool with his "whatever my little girl wants" crap. Daddy's little girl needs an old fashioned Come to Jesus talk (and her head put through a wall but thats a story for another day).

 

Why are you letting an immature little teenager make the rules? I wouldn't trust a teenager to feed my pets, much less make the decisions around the house. Where's this disgusting pervert take her on their 'dates?' Chuck E. Cheese?

 

The whole thing is utterly revolting.

[Viking]

Where's this disgusting pervert take her on their 'dates?' Chuck E. Cheese?

 

The whole thing is utterly revolting.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_E_Cheese

 

FYI.

[Adunaphel]

May I ask how did you find out that your daughter is dating this man?

Did either of them tell you (or your H) about it? Or were they trying to keep it a secret, or downplaying the situation to make it look like a close friendship?

 

I think that having a background check done on him is great advice, and keeping him *very* close might be a good idea.

 

If they are already having sex, if your daughter has a strong personality of her own (i.e. is not easily influenced by others), if she agrees to a number of conditions, if he turns out to be an okay person (meaning=if the only creepy thing about him is that he's dating a 16 years old), forbiding her to see him might imo harm her more than allowing her to.

 

Is your daughter someone who can be easily manipulated? Does she usually think with her own head? How much influence do her friends have over her? what kind of relationship does she have with you and your H? Do you usually treat her like an adult?

[dawnb3442]

I meant diapers from her kids. She'll be envying her friends while they're having a good time traveling and being young and she's 18-25 with baby poop on her hands and the little thing crying because it wants to be fed.

 

She does want to have kids, but a decade from now, with this guy.

 

Does this guy have any friends his own age? How about suggesting she go play cribbage or horseshoes with them? Maybe take a lovely stroll out by the beach where they can reminisce about the olden days...oh wait, he's 36 years older than her. She doesn't know anything about that.

 

The man certainly does have friends his own age - she's been taken to a pub with them, and had a few Diet Cokes (the only drink you can legally serve a 16 year old in a pub in the United Kingdom, aside from orange juice or water!)

He has friends in the motor trade too, and from his time in the teaching profession (which was an all-male thing - motor mechanics!)

 

The guy you posted looks old. Its not a healthy relationship that she's in.

 

Have you ever seen Jeremy Clarkson on TV before?

 

As for being spoiled, I didn't mean monetarily. I meant getting whatever she wants, whether it is permission to marry this geezer (codger) or the newest iPod thing. Is she used to getting her way in every situation?

 

She's not used to getting her own way in every situation - certainly not at all, unless my husband lets her do so.

 

The doctor's office or hospital is the best place for her to see what happens to people as they age. He will age just as your or I, but the difference is he's 36 years closer to it than she is, therefore, she'll be watching "grandpa" wither away because he's more than THREE TIMES her age.

 

True, but...

 

..show her the crying wives who have a sick husband. Everyone will assume that its her father, not husband.

 

Where would I be able to do that??

 

Maybe the best thing is for her to become bullied. Not fun as a parent to watch, I'm sure, but kids are being so sheltered that they don't have skin thick enough to handle a lot of what is said. Don't let your daughter remain weak by protecting her all of the time. Enough with the PC bull****. Your country and mine is rampant with it. It has to end, and your daughter is a product of the PC generation. The "whatever makes them happy" mindset is what put your daughter in this bind.

 

I'm as fed up of political correctness as everyone else, but have tried to avoid it as much as I can.

 

How come you didn't tell her to wait until she was older for sex/wait until she was married?

 

Our family's take on sex is that as long as you are at the consensual age - i.e. legal, trust the person and have protection, then it is acceptable

 

How long have they been going out? Why do you think it is appropriate for them to have sex? Can you "ground" her? Is she using protection? This man has tainted your adolescent daughter in the worst possible way.

 

They've been going out for 6 months now, the first five months I had NO IDEA

 

Here in the States, he'd be a pedophile and arrested and put in jail. Hell, she's BARELY old enough to operate a vehicle on her own here in the US. She clearly is deluded about what love it. She's in love with the notion that this guy loves her. But in reality (this might sound harsh), she's a hole that he can fill and she keeps coming back for more. What more could he want? She's going to be left feeling empty/used when she realizes what he was REALLY up to!

 

Unfortunately, us Brits have different laws. My daughter likes this guy genuinely, and I don't know where to go without aggravating the situation.

[dawnb3442]

May I ask how did you find out that your daughter is dating this man?

Did either of them tell you (or your H) about it? Or were they trying to keep it a secret, or downplaying the situation to make it look like a close friendship?

 

I think that having a background check done on him is great advice, and keeping him *very* close might be a good idea.

 

If they are already having sex, if your daughter has a strong personality of her own (i.e. is not easily influenced by others), if she agrees to a number of conditions, if he turns out to be an okay person (meaning=if the only creepy thing about him is that he's dating a 16 years old), forbiding her to see him might imo harm her more than allowing her to.

 

Is your daughter someone who can be easily manipulated? Does she usually think with her own head? How much influence do her friends have over her? what kind of relationship does she have with you and your H? Do you usually treat her like an adult?

 

My daughter told me openly about this relationship.

I know a bit about this man's background, in that he used to work in distribution (i.e. van-driver, White Van Man to us British), then went on to do teacher training and taught motor mechanics to colleges across West Yorkshire, East Yorkshire, South Yorkshire and the North Midlands, and then moved on to the motor trade from late 1994 onwards, which he's been in ever since.

 

OP, how would your H treat an 18 year old wanting to "date" your daughter? Would he want to meet him and get to know him in that way only a father can do?

 

Does this man have any children of his own?

 

In response to that question, my husband probably would want to get to know him in the way only a father can do, yes.

 

The man doesn't have any children.

 

She has no idea why he really stopped teaching, or what skeletons he has in his closet.

 

Well, this is what the man told us about himself: He used to work in distribution (i.e. van-driver, White Van Man to us British), then went on to do teacher training and taught motor mechanics to colleges across West Yorkshire, East Yorkshire, South Yorkshire and the North Midlands, and then moved on to the motor trade from late 1994 (i.e. October 1994) onwards, which he's been in ever since.

 

Secondly, he says he left the teaching position to work in the trades. I am a teacher myself. If I was fired for sexual misconduct at my job, I certainly would not make that well known information if I could control it. Sure, the big cases usually make the media, but trust me, a lot of them don't. He certainly wouldn't tell you if that was the case either. How could you not suspect that he was fired for sexual misconduct when he is dating a 16 year old child? Seems fishy to me.

 

The classes he taught were all-male, virtually, so no sexual misconduct issues there - the courses were motor vehicle maintenance!

 

I'm still pretty shocked by this revelation

 

As for where they go on dates - well, local Italian restaurants, McDonald's, Silverstone racetrack (Northamptonshire, United Kingdom), shopping centres around West Yorkshire and South Yorkshire... that's what my daughter told me.

[Citizen Erased]

All I'm seeing is what she wants, what she has said etc. She's 16, you're her mother. It really doesn't matter what she wants at this point. You feed her and put a roof over her head. When she's 18 she can date a 70 year old if she wants. But I doubt at 18 she will still be in "love" with this guy.

 

BTW I have seen Jeremy Clarkson on tv, I watch Top Gear, and he is gross. That is coming from someone only 5 years older than your daughter. I'm fairly certain that is the natural reaction of someone my age when they put anyone his age in a sexual context. This is not at all normal, I'm sorry. She is still a kid.

 

You may not be able to have the pedophile (and I am from a country with the age of consent at 16 as well and yes I will call him that) arrested but you can damn well ban her from seeing him. Has the thought even crossed your mind to forbid her from seeing him? Or is she so used to getting what she wants it wouldn't make a difference?

 

She may think you are being unfair but believe me, she will thank you later. You cannot possibly sit back and let her continue to have a relationship with him, to continue to let your little girl be taken advantage of by this man. She is having sex with him, he is a peverted creep taking advantage of her youth and lack of experience. You need to do something, NOW. Ground her, only let her out of the house when she is going to school, take away her phone, computer etc. She'll scream, she'll cry, she'll threaten to run away. So has every teenager on the planet. Just do something about this like any normal parent would.

 

Where is Touche when you need her...

[dawnb3442]

All I'm seeing is what she wants, what she has said etc. She's 16, you're her mother. It really doesn't matter what she wants at this point. You feed her and put a roof over her head. When she's 18 she can date a 70 year old if she wants. But I doubt at 18 she will still be in "love" with this guy.

 

BTW I have seen Jeremy Clarkson on tv, I watch Top Gear, and he is gross. That is coming from someone only 5 years older than your daughter. I'm fairly certain that is the natural reaction of someone my age when they put anyone his age in a sexual context. This is not at all normal, I'm sorry. She is still a kid.

 

You may not be able to have the pedophile (and I am from a country with the age of consent at 16 as well and yes I will call him that) arrested but you can damn well ban her from seeing him. Has the thought even crossed your mind to forbid her from seeing him? Or is she so used to getting what she wants it wouldn't make a difference?

 

She may think you are being unfair but believe me, she will thank you later. You cannot possibly sit back and let her continue to have a relationship with him, to continue to let your little girl be taken advantage of by this man. She is having sex with him, he is a peverted creep taking advantage of her youth and lack of experience. You need to do something, NOW. Ground her, only let her out of the house when she is going to school, take away her phone, computer etc. She'll scream, she'll cry, she'll threaten to run away. So has every teenager on the planet. Just do something about this like any normal parent would.

 

Where is Touche when you need her...

 

So you're saying basically this guy is acting as Jeremy would?

As for taking away her phone/computer etc. I can't really take away her computer (as it's a shared one, you know!), and she didn't meet this guy online, but in a branch of McDonald's. What am I supposed to do - ban her from McDonald's/Subway??

 

My husband's attitude towards him seems weird, I've tried talking it out with him but he just dismissed it as me being too worried for my own good, and said:

Relax, babe, he's a great guy. He's already fixed our Vauxhall Cavalier for us, and is fun to be around.

 

(Note: The Vauxhall Cavalier is not the same car as the Vauxhall Cavalier - see these images:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1d/Vauxhall_Cavalier_III_Cambridge.jpg/800px-Vauxhall_Cavalier_III_Cambridge.jpg

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6b/Opel_Vectra_I_front_20080303.jpg/800px-Opel_Vectra_I_front_20080303.jpg)

 

OK, so I've gone a bit off-topic there, but the point being, my husband's laidback attitude to life is not good in this situation - how do I get him to see things from my point of view?

 

My husband says this man has a lot of good points and says there's no reason why she can't keep on seeing him.

[Citizen Erased]

So you're saying basically this guy is acting as Jeremy would?

As for taking away her phone/computer etc. I can't really take away her computer (as it's a shared one, you know!), and she didn't meet this guy online, but in a branch of McDonald's. What am I supposed to do - ban her from McDonald's/Subway??

 

No, I have no idea where you got that from. The thought of having sex with him is gross to me. Is Jeremy the moral compass in your household?

 

I didn't say she met him online but it is a means of contacting him. And do you grasp the concept of grounding a teenager? She wouldn't be at Subway or whatever because she'd be at home.

 

It's quite clear from the way you are taking this that this is futile. Sure, listen to your husband. His reasoning won't at all screw up her life.

 

Good luck, I hope this works out for you all.

[norajane]

My husband's attitude towards him seems weird, I've tried talking it out with him but he just dismissed it as me being too worried for my own good, and said:

 

 

Relax, babe, he's a great guy. He's already fixed our Vauxhall Cavalier for us, and is fun to be around.

 

 

So, basically, your husband thinks this guy is cool because he is in the "motor trade", whatever that means and is fun to be around. And it doesn't concern him that a man older than himself is having sex with his young, inexperienced, NAIVE daughter?

 

You must watch a lot of Top Gear in your household, and this guy is matching up with her TV fantasy...and your husband's.

 

Your little girl fancies herself in love with this guy. Like most teenage girls with their first love, they think it will last forever and they'll never love again.

 

If I were you, I'd see this guy, without your daughter and have a little chat with him. Tell him that your daughter fancies herself in love and is planning to marry him next year and have his babies in a decade when he's 62. Ask him what he thinks of that and if he cares for her, is that really the kind of future he thinks is good for a young girl who's barely had a chance to experience ANY of what life has to offer and is still probably using acne cream.

 

Remind him that if she were only one year younger, you'd be able to have him arrested and thrown in jail, so her being only one year older does not make this any better for her...it's not as if she's gained a lifetime of experience and maturity in that year, and that he should know better and should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of a young girl. Remind him that she should be experiencing teenage boys right now, not men old enough to be her grandfather.

 

Remind him that while she is young and immature, HE, on the other hand, is not, and HE needs to take responsibility for what he is doing and realize how he is cheating her out of the kind of life she should be having right now. He may have a Peter Pan complex, but he doesn't need to drag an impressionable girl along with him just because he doesn't want to grow up and imagines himself to be a young man still.

 

Tell him you expect him to break up with her immediately, or you will take matters into your own hands and forbid her to leave the house unless it's to go to school.