My 16-year-old daughter wants to marry a 52-year-old man!

[whichwayisup]

Is he a secret from her friends at school? Does everyone know?

[lkjh]

OMG, this is horrible but I really dont know what you can do other than something illegal.

[Adunaphel]

My daughter told me openly about this relationship.

 

I think it is positive that at least she does not wish to keep this relationship a secret, and neither wants he.

 

I really like Norajane's idea of having a talk with him (with your daughter not present), but I think that forcing him to break up with her is not necessarily a good idea. Yet.

This because you seem to have a good and trusting relationship with your daughter. You force them to break up after she chose to be honest with you about something she knew you would not approve of (ad she clearly considers very important - important enough to want to be honest about it), you risk (imo) to do more damage than good.

 

I would have a talk with him, voice your concerns and see his reactions.

Ask what his intentions are, see his reactions, and listen.

Tell him that you are not going to allow your daughter to marry (let alone have children) at a young age, and that you want her to finish her studies, and see his reactions.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd be very worried and very scared, too. As anyone.

If their relationship does not take a weird turn, is not a secret and you watch both of them like a hawk, it could be that the 'love' vanishes even sooner than you expected, as many other posters hope.

 

Good luck!

[Jo78]

Invite him over and let your husband treat him like any other boyfriend her age - Where are you going? When are you bringing her back home? So you want to marry my daughter, what makes you think you're good enough for my little girl?

 

At 50+, I would think he would be running for the hills and trying to find a grown up woman without that kind of baggage. It is fun to act like a teenager, but it sure isn't fun to be treated like one. Hopefully, that will cure his midlife crisis.

[angie2443]

I'm guessing your daughter is desperate for a father figure. Your husband doesn't sound much like a father at all. I've dated much older men when I was 16 and then 21, and although I wouldn't admit it to myself then, I wanted a father figure so bad that I used my youth to get (what I thought was) that father figure. My father acted pretty much the same way as your husband is acting.

 

Is your husband's relationship with your daughter healthy? Is he more of a friend then a father? From what you wrote about him and this situation, I just have to wonder about your daughter's and husband's relationship.

 

It is not healthy for your daughter to date this man and I highly doubt that bieng friends with him is going to make your daughter loose interest in him any faster. Teenagers and young twenty somethings do not have completely developed minds yet. This is a scientific fact. Your daughter can not understand how this man can manipulate her. She can't fully weight in the future outcomes of her actions. By the time she fully understands the consequences of giving her youth to this old man and maybe having children with him, it may be too late.

 

As far as this man goes, the fact that he can relate in a peer type manor to a teenager shows that emotionally he never advanced beyond a certain point. He has the power and experience of an adult, but the emotionally maturity of a teenager. It is not safe for this man to be around teenagers or children. This is something to consider if your daughter and this man have children together.

[Viking]

If she were using drugs, would your husband be so relaxed and willing to let his daughter do what she wants so long as she's happy?

 

Look daddy, the heroin makes me sooooooo happy.

 

You are a parent, and you do have power over her. Society may be trying to strip it, but you have power. Password protect the computer, limit when she can talk on the phone, if you let her have one. Grow a spine and say no. Make sure she is dropped off at school and picked up BY YOU, and not the pedophile. Make sure she doesn't skip on class to see this pedophile.

 

He's a pedophile in every sense, but your country's messed up laws. Your lack of ground rules for her have led down this path.

[anne1707]

Dawn

 

I just wanted to say that not everybody here feels you are a bad mother. I know you are being crticised for letting your daugher be in this relationship. But that is nonesense. It started without your knowledge and on finding our about it, you are trying to find ways to end it whilst maintaining a relationship with your daughter. I do feel as if in this thread (as happens from time to time on LS), the cultural differences between America and here in the UK are coming through.

 

You cannot keep your children under lock and key. You cannot ban her from seeing someone. To drop your child off at school and then pick her up again at the end of the day would not result in the relationship with this man ending. She will just end up resenting you and being ridiculed by her freinds. As if you could realistically ground her for the next two years!

 

If you show your daughter that you trust her within agreed guidelines then there is a chance that she will respond to that trust and not let you down. Norajane's idea of talking to this man might be a good idea. Either he does not want the same things and he will do a runner or he does want the same things and should (you hope) be very understanding of your concerns

[Geishawhelk]

If she were using drugs, would your husband be so relaxed and willing to let his daughter do what she wants so long as she's happy?

 

Look daddy, the heroin makes me sooooooo happy.

 

This is a strawman argument.

 

.....Make sure she is dropped off at school and picked up BY YOU, and not the pedophile. Make sure she doesn't skip on class to see this pedophile.

 

He's a pedophile in every sense, but your country's messed up laws. Your lack of ground rules for her have led down this path.

 

This is completely unfair, given that there is a huge diversity of ages for this in the USA and globally.

paedophilia is a social perspective. Whilst in The UK and the USA there are certain social limits, this isn't the same the world over, so people need to stop bandying this word around in such a cavalier manner, because this simply isn't the case.

 

It's also highly disrespectful and very hurtful to the OP who originally came on for some advice on how to steer her daughter into making better decisions, not how to eliminate a sex offender from the dating game.

 

If the girl was 17 (which she will be soon) or 18, the word wouldn't come up. So it's all relative.

 

And trust me. if he was a sex offender, he'd be on a Register somewhere.

[ReeWoo]

Send her to an American beach for spring break . . . take a picture of the 52 year old along to compair to the young men that she sees on the beach.

[Viking]

Pedophilia might be a social perspective, but she's still a minor (at least in the US). There can't be a discrepancy of more than 2 years I believe if one is 17 and under. There on the other hand is a 36 year old gap between the teeny bopper and grandpa.

 

You're not a bad mom, let me lay that out there. However, being inattentive has led to grandpa sticking it to your daughter in the worst sense possible. Also, saying

Our family's take on sex is that as long as you are at the consensual age - i.e. legal, trust the person and have protection, then it is acceptable

has only aggravated it. Too relaxed on something that is too polarizing.

[dawnb3442]

No, I have no idea where you got that from. The thought of having sex with him is gross to me. Is Jeremy the moral compass in your household?

 

I didn't say she met him online but it is a means of contacting him. And do you grasp the concept of grounding a teenager? She wouldn't be at Subway or whatever because she'd be at home.

 

It's quite clear from the way you are taking this that this is futile. Sure, listen to your husband. His reasoning won't at all screw up her life.

 

Good luck, I hope this works out for you all.

 

No, Jeremy is not the moral compass in our household, even though my husband and daughter are fans of him.

 

I did manage to speak to the guy (albeit briefly) when he was over with her on Thursday and he said the relationship's all above board, and if she wants children, fine; he's OK with it.

 

He said as long as she's doing well in education and having fun at the same time, he'll stay with her.

 

I'm guessing your daughter is desperate for a father figure. Your husband doesn't sound much like a father at all. I've dated much older men when I was 16 and then 21, and although I wouldn't admit it to myself then, I wanted a father figure so bad that I used my youth to get (what I thought was) that father figure. My father acted pretty much the same way as your husband is acting.

 

Is your husband's relationship with your daughter healthy? Is he more of a friend then a father? From what you wrote about him and this situation, I just have to wonder about your daughter's and husband's relationship.

 

My husband has a healthy father-daughter relationship, but they do have their "Dad-daughter" days going to watch banger racing and to car shows.

 

You must watch a lot of Top Gear in your household, and this guy is matching up with her TV fantasy...and your husband's.

 

They like Top Gear (my daughter, her boyfriend, my husband). Not me though. It's just not to my personal tastes, not that I have anything against it.

 

If she were using drugs, would your husband be so relaxed and willing to let his daughter do what she wants so long as she's happy?

 

Look daddy, the heroin makes me sooooooo happy.

 

She wouldn't do drugs anyway. We've discussed the drugs issue and she wouldn't touch drugs - unless a medical professional or doctor authorised them to take them.

 

 

This is completely unfair, given that there is a huge diversity of ages for this in the USA and globally.

paedophilia is a social perspective. Whilst in The UK and the USA there are certain social limits, this isn't the same the world over, so people need to stop bandying this word around in such a cavalier manner, because this simply isn't the case.

 

It's also highly disrespectful and very hurtful to the OP who originally came on for some advice on how to steer her daughter into making better decisions, not how to eliminate a sex offender from the dating game.

 

If the girl was 17 (which she will be soon) or 18, the word wouldn't come up. So it's all relative.

 

And trust me. if he was a sex offender, he'd be on a Register somewhere.

 

Thank you for your help, Geishawelk. That was very helpful advice.

 

Send her to an American beach for spring break . . . take a picture of the 52 year old along to compair to the young men that she sees on the beach.

 

How would that help the situation?? As it is, our daughter wants this man to come on a future holiday to Florida with us (which we're going on later this year) - should we even allow it?

[dawnb3442]

Pedophilia might be a social perspective, but she's still a minor (at least in the US). There can't be a discrepancy of more than 2 years I believe if one is 17 and under. There on the other hand is a 36 year old gap between the teeny bopper and grandpa.

 

You're not a bad mom, let me lay that out there. However, being inattentive has led to grandpa sticking it to your daughter in the worst sense possible. Also, saying

Quote:Our family's take on sex is that as long as you are at the consensual age - i.e. legal, trust the person and have protection, then it is acceptable

 

has only aggravated it. Too relaxed on something that is too polarizing.

 

We're not being inattentive or too relaxed about it, are we?

[norajane]

We're not being inattentive or too relaxed about it, are we?

 

Yes, you most certainly are. You've given her the green light, you've already discussed marriage and babies with her bf without demurring at all, and you're now thinking of bringing him along on vacation, he's fixing your cars.

 

 

You've pretty much already made him a part of the family.

[Geishawhelk]

Pedophilia might be a social perspective, but she's still a minor (at least in the US).

 

WELL IF THEY WERE IN THE US IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT BUT THEY'RE NOT!!

 

You've made my point wonderfully. You are judging this entirely from your own moral standpoint, and socially blinkered view. (Not that you are blinkered, but that the social values you know are confined by what you know....) Whilst you argue from the USA stance, about a UK situation, you can never resolve this, so this is why I'm saying you need o lay aside preconceived pre-conditioned perceptions and evaluate it logically. you're evaluating it too emotively!!

 

There can't be a discrepancy of more than 2 years I believe if one is 17 and under.

Why?

 

There on the other hand is a 36 year old gap between the teeny bopper and grandpa.

My cousin was a grandma at 35. so this is a ridiculous argument. The age gap is of no consequence. Why is this such a major issue for you? Why does it matter if thy love each other?

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, you most certainly are. You've given her the green light, you've already discussed marriage and babies with her bf without demurring at all, and you're now thinking of bringing him along on vacation, he's fixing your cars.

 

 

You've pretty much already made him a part of the family.

 

Why shouldn't they?

 

If they had been too strict, they would have given her the green light to stay out at all hours, smoke pot or worse, drink and go wild.

As it is, they have brought up a young girl who is serious in her studies and happens to have fallen for someone a lot older than she is. Better than going out with an immature, irresponsible 19-year old and coming home crying because he's made her pregnant.

 

You have no idea to where, or how the discussions progressed, but actually all the arguments I have seen so far are as a result of people's aversion to an age gap.

An age gap which has nothing illegal about it. An age gap which is alien to everyone because it's unconventional.

 

But what is the problem, if she is happy, he is happy, she's compromising with her mother and things seem to be ok at the moment?

[norajane]

If she were mature and had an opportunity to experience more of life before settling on a man much older, I don't think people would be so upset about the age gap.

 

The problem is the girl in question is only 16, barely old enough to operate a car, and hardly mature enough to be deciding who to marry and have babies at this time. He's taking advantage of her naivete about both life and LOVE, real LOVE, by discussing marriage with her.

 

How many people marry the people they're infatuated with at the age of 16? How successful are those marriages? How many people are successful at life when they drop out of school at 17 to get married?

[anne1707]

The problem is the girl in question is only 16, barely old enough to operate a car, and hardly mature enough to be deciding who to marry and have babies at this time.

 

Here's irony for you. In the UK, you cannot legally drive a car until you are 17.

[Geishawhelk]

If she were mature and had an opportunity to experience more of life before settling on a man much older, I don't think people would be so upset about the age gap.

 

He's taking advantage of her naivete about both life and LOVE, real LOVE, by discussing marriage with her.

other than the fact that he's in a relationship with her, where has he taken advantage of her to any greater extent than a 20-year-old would? A guy more of her age would probably be more demanding, less mature, and would certainly feel ignored if she concentrated on her studies. He doesn't appear to have done that.

How many people marry the people they're infatuated with at the age of 16? How successful are those marriages? How many people are successful at life when they drop out of school at 17 to get married?

 

You tell me.

Success and school don't necessarily go together. My partner at 45 is studying Law. I am, at 52, completing my diploma in Couples counselling. Adult education means that qualifications are available at any time of life.

Some may argue thatgetting children over and done with at an early age might mean that you get to enjoy your family AND study for a career, a bit later on.

 

What point are you making?

[norajane]

What point are you making?

 

The point I'm making is she's not mature enough to make a marriage/children decision at this stage in her life, and he should be mature enough to recognize that and back off.

[Geishawhelk]

That's why I advised her mother to put her foot down and to make this one of the conditions of being able to continue living happily at home, and with the R. I suggested this earlier in the thread..... perhaps mum remembers.

Wonder if actually, anything came of that?

[JackJack]

IMO, there is nothing a 16 year old and a 52 year old would have in common. My guess is he has been a major influence over her, and the influence has provided her with whatever she may feel she is lacking at home or within her life/family circle.

 

There was an incident like this a few years ago, that my wife's co-worker had happen. Involving her 14 year old with a 39 year old. It pretty much boiled down to the fact he was good at getting to know girls who were vulnerable in one way or another, by being there "friend" and then it later on ended up being more after he got in their vulnerable heads and got them to believe everything that came out of his mouth.

 

It's sad to see this kind of thing happen. Its one thing if a parent doesn't know or isn't aware, but quite another when a parent knows and allows it because they think there is nothing else they can do.

[Lizzie60]

Hummm... I don't know how close you are to your daughter.. but my only advice, at this point:

 

If you are close to her.. make her 'promise you' that she will wait at least 4 years before she decides to 'marry' this guy or have a child...

 

My bet is that it won't even last 2 years...

 

I haven't read the thread so I don't know how long she's been seeing him.. if it's fairly new.. she might just be infatuated with this guy.. he has a lot of influence over her..due to his life experience... she has none at this stage.. so she's easily influenced..

 

Make her promise you (in writing) that she will not make any major decisions (especially about a child) for at least 4 years...

 

She needs to get her career going first..

 

I know it's easier said than done.. at that age.. their emotions are amplilfied a zillion times..

 

Good luck.. I hope this guy will, at least, have the decency to talk her out of having a baby...

[clv0116]

Come to America....its illegal here to sleep with a 16yr old

 

And here I thought forum names were meaningless labels. If you still don't get it, you are wrong.

 

 

For everyone else, it's what's on the inside that matters right? I mean, maybe they are really soulmates!

[Viking]

Good luck.. I hope this guy will, at least, have the decency to talk her out of having a baby...

What if he's the one planting the "kid" ideas in her head and she's wanting to please him by saying she'll have his kids? It'd be like Larry King and his 26 year old wife...and kid. Blech.

 

Geisha, I don't want you to think that I don't think your advice isn't valid. Its just to me (I know, to me...) its kinda sick. That's my values speaking, not British law. I've appreciated your advice in the past, but this is something that I feel isn't appropriate.

[Geishawhelk]

*OT*

 

Thank you Viking.

I'm grateful you said that, because I didn't want to see rifts emerging here.

 

I value your comments and please don't think I don't see your point either.

The concept of my dating a person 36 years older - or younger - than I is completely alien to me too. It's not within the parameter of my boundaries or personal tastes.

My only point is (from my own POV) that simply because we recognise the 'shudder factor' in ourselves, doesn't mean we can or should automatically expect, assume or presume that it should the same for others also.

As my father always says: "If we had the same tastes, they'd all be after yer mother...." - !!

 

Thanks again V.

 

*BTT*