ton Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I have been involved in a committed lesbian relationship with the same woman for over six years. a couple of months ago, my girlfriend reconnected with one of her exes. her ex lives in her hometown, about two hours away, and they got together for lunch while she was visiting her parents. i was aware of this, but not entirely happy. however, it had been so long since they had dated, i didn't feel like it would be fair to say she couldn't see her. i wish i had, because from there, an emotional affair began. over the course of the past two months, my girlfriend has been emailing, texting and phoning her ex (and her ex has done the same) behind my back. they talked about how they loved each other, wanted to be together, etc. i discovered this by reading her messages. when i confronted her, my girlfriend admitted to the relationship and said that she had developed strong feelings for her ex again but that she also loved me and that she didn't know what to do. she has volunteered to go to therapy to try to figure out some things for herself and has had a couple of appointments. she has also agreed to cut off communication with the ex for the time being out of respect for me but she has not agreed to anything long-term. she says all she can do is take it day by day for now. my world has been shattered.. it is complicated, because i love her and want to work through this, but i am also deeply hurt and have lost trust. things are complicated by the fact that we live together...please give me some honest advice. what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Check out the marriagebuilders.com website...look at their "free info"...but don't join the forum there. I'd also suggest that you check out a couple of resources from the same source..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley would be a great start. Basically, if you read over there, you'll learn about "plan A" and "plan B" for ending an affair and starting recovery. All of that should pretty much apply the same in your case as in any other. Figure out your partner's emotional needs, and work to meet them. At the same time, let her suffer the consequences for her choice to get involved with her ex. Does she have friends or family that you could enlist to help you save your relationship with her? Ones that would support your relationship and put pressure on her to end her EA? Don't be a doormat. Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need in your relationship with her. She's agreed to NC for now...ENFORCE that! Don't agree to her resuming contact with her ex at any point! At the same time, make your relationship with her a 'safe harbor'...make it a safe place she can come talk to you about anything. Work on making yourself the more attractive choice (that isn't limited to physical, btw...more emotional than anything else). And keep the pressure on ending the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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