Dealing with insulting parents as an adult...

[runfaster]

 

How do you deal with parents who can be very insulting and inappropriate at times? Nothing having to do with drugs or abuse or anything extreme like that, just very... inappropriate! Especially when they apparently don't see things they way you do, think you're always wrong because you're their child, and are unapologetic and unwilling to listen? What do you do if you think your parents are treating you a way they shouldn't, and they take your criticism as you being disrespectful and ungrateful?

 

I am the oldest daughter, 26 years old, live in a different state, and am more or less self-sufficient (they've helped a few times, but I've been on my own for a few years now.) I've never had a 100% healthy relationship with my parents, my teenage years were pretty volatile and full of screaming matches, but I think that's pretty normal (?) 98% of the time, we get along pretty well... we don't agree on everything, but I try to deal with their little "quirks" and they deal with mine. They've said they're proud of me for taking care of myself and being successful on my own and moving away to a city where I don't know anyone. But then every once in awhile, if we really disagree on something, they say rude hurtful things to me, mock me, and then "forget" it happened or say I "deserved" it.

 

Instead of try to list everything I'll give the one example that led me to seek help. I visited for a week over Christmas, took the time off work, paid for my own flight. The week was pretty normal and uneventful, I spent most of it with them at their house, and then the last night I was in town I asked to borrow the car to go visit my cousin who lives 40 minutes away, who they think is a brat and don't really get along with (nothing having to do with me, and I don't really know all of the details why.) But I get along with my cousin and they've always been fine with me spending time with her despite how they feel with her. Also I'd been driving their car for errands and such the entire time I'd been visiting, so when they acted like I'd spit on their graves when I asked to borrow it, I started asking what the big deal was.

 

They said they were angry with my cousin for asking me to come over so late at night. They said they didn't want me to "drop everything" to "run and see her when she beckons." I pointed out that they can't take out their problems with my cousin on ME, that the only person they were punishing by refusing me the car was ME, and the only person affected by their attitude was ME. My father said I could borrow the car, but that I had to take all my stuff with me (I wasn't even packed yet) and find a place to sleep that night because it would be stupid for me to drive all the way back just to go to the airport the next afternoon. My brother would then pick up the car wherever it was after I left. I got upset and asked why they were making everything so hard, and my dad said "I'm just trying to make a plan since you obviously won't." I was feeling very confused and attacked and started to cry, which I wish I hadn't, because my mom stomped away and said "Waaah waah waah! You're always crying over everything!"

 

Then I tried to calm down, I stopped crying, and said I didn't like the way they were speaking to me, and that I still didn't see what I'd done to make them so angry. The rest went like this:

Dad: "Why should I let you borrow the car anyway? You're all about take, take, take. You don't respect us and don't do anything for us."

Me: "What?! How can you say that? I just took a week off work and paid to come down here to spend time with you!"

Dad: "And we're just trying to make it through the week with you here."

Me (upset and animated): "This is what I'm talking about! Why do you say stuff like that?! It's really hurtful!"

My mom got a disgusted look on her face and started mocking the hand gestures I was making while I was talking. She said, "Why are you acting like that? God, you're so dramatic."

Me: "THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I HATE THE WAY YOU TALK TO ME!"

Mom: "I HATE THE WAY YOU TALK TO US!"

Dad: "This is exactly what it was like when you were a teenager. You haven't gotten any better at all. Just like when you crashed the minivan when you were 16!"

Mom: "You think you have it soooo bad, don't you?!"

At this point I could see how irrational everything was getting, and how ridiculous it is to bring up something that happened 10 YEARS AGO that had nothing to do with the current situation. Or to say I think I have it bad when I said nothing of the sort. I just turned away and said, "Fine, I can see there's nothing I can do to change the way you feel about me. I'll just pack my stuff and go."

Dad: "Good."

 

I went to my room and started packing, and my mother walked in. I snapped, "NO! I am NOT arguing anymore!" and she looked all enraged and said, "I was actually going to say something really nice to you. But yeah, you're right, you're just SO GOOD and we're SO BAD," and left. A few minutes later my father shouted through the door, "Maybe if you believed in God you would respect someone besides yourself!" Which actually calmed me down alot, because it seemed like such a crazy thing to say. I've put aside religion in recent years, but they aren't super-religious either and I never argue with them about it... in fact it rarely comes up. I took his statement as proof that I'm not just a big drama queen like they make me out to be... there is something seriously wrong when someone is trying to prove me wrong by shouting at me about my religion (or lack thereof.)

 

I left, and visited my cousin, and stayed the night with a friend. I didn't speak to them until I got back home, and listened to their voicemail messages saying things like "Just wanted to make sure you got home safe. Love you!" Like nothing happened. I called back and told my mom, "I don't want to pretend like nothing happened. I was serious about what I said, about you treating me inappropriately." Mom responded that I don't treat them appropriately either, and that I was SCREAMING and CRYING the last night I saw them. I said, "It really hurt when Dad said I don't do anything for you," and she just snorted, "I don't remember him saying that at all."

 

I told her I couldn't talk to her until she was being rational, and she said "Yeah, you too!" That was about a week ago, and now I'm thinking of calling and trying again to get them to listen to me and see what I'm talking about.

 

This is where I'm so conflicted. I know they think I'm being a bad daughter, disrespectful and unappreciative, if I ever criticize them. And maybe they're right....? But I feel I'm disrespecting myself if I just let it go and pretend it never happened, or pretend that the things they say don't hurt me. They have told me that they're trying to make me a stronger person when they're hard on me when I'm overly sensitive, but is that really the right thing to do? If I get upset because they call me a "crybaby" or something, they'll say things like "You need to get a thicker skin if it bothers you when someone calls you a crybaby. Because people in this world will call you much worse names." And I'm thinking, but you're not random people in this world! You're my PARENTS!

 

So, sorry if this is way too long, but any help would be AWESOME. I know other people have much bigger problems with their families, and I know I AM too emotional sometimes, so I worry I'm making a bigger deal about this than necessary and maybe I am being a "crybaby" and should just drop it...? And if not, how do I get them to see my point of view? Are they totally stuck in their ways and I just have to accept them because they're my parents and that's "how they are"? I don't want things to be bad between us, but I also don't want to have to look past people making me feel bad for no reason (especially my parents!) I wouldn't put up with treatment like that from anyone else, so is it wrong of me to think I shouldn't have to put up with it from them?

[wuggle]

I think it was Freud who said (I'm not trying to be a smart arse I really don't remember) that the only way to grow up completely was to kill your parents. Obviously he didn't mean literally , but I think he was sort of right. IMO there are very few children or parents (of whatever age) who can change the way they interact with and talk to the opposites. I dont think it is easy for any parent\child relationship to develop into an adult\adult relationship as both parties age.

 

Your parents will probably always see you as thier child (and expect you to show them respect and obediance) and you (deep down) will probably always see them as your parents and try to please them. The relationship you have will not develop into fully adult to adult relationship.

 

You have two main options in IMO, either stop interacting with them as the relationship is too complicated (unlikely as you sound like you lovethem dearly) or accept the fact and armed with the information just try to work with the fact that the relationship will never be adult-adult.

 

Oh and remember the problems you are having and try to be a bit more flexible with your own growing offspring 30 years down the line.

[Geishawhelk]

"Honour thy Father and Mother".

 

Ok. Done.

Doesn't say "love", does it?

 

Look. You have a choice.

several in fact:

 

Cut off all ties with them, and literally, go No Contact.

 

The relationship is stagnant, destructive, negative and argumentative.

You feel like you are always going to be vying for their approval and acceptance.

You're what....26? How long do you see yourself behaving like this and waiting for that?

 

Keep taking it on the chin, but bite your tongue.

 

This would obviously make for a much calmer household, but the stifling of your responses, and the stress it entails would in all probability kill you, and send them round the bend. or vice-versa. or both.

 

Keep argung with them, and trap yourself in a volatile and mercilessly masochistic spiral.

 

This is counter-poroductive, upsetting and saddening, and the stresses of every situation remain long after the event has passed.

 

Forgive them, accept them, but keep them at arm's length.

 

Relise that they are never going to change. Ever. Not for you, especially.

Family counselling would never do any good with them because one, they would never even consider going, and two, thewy would never consider that they have anything to go for.

The fact that they are similar is very revealing.

 

Normally, you get one tetchy, the other long-suffering. You know, Good-cop-bad-cop.....

 

But they feed off one another. They perpetuate each others' sentiments and feelings.

What does this tell you about the life they must lead on their own?

Do they have many good friends?

Are they gregarious and sociable?

 

I suspect...... no.

 

So if you want to buy into that, keep up the good work. But if not, thenm slowly, quietly detach.

 

Pleqase don't come back with the "oh, but they're my parents and really they haven't all been bad all along...."

 

I'm not saying you will, just hoping you won't.

There was a lot more you could have told us, i'm sure.

 

Sadly, it's not unheard of, for people to disconnect from their parents. Sad, but not unusual.

If it's what you gotta do, then do it.

But don't then start wallowing in guilt and fretting.

If you were to go back after a while, they'd eat you up, chew you to bits and spit you out.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that no matter what, your parents will see you as their child. On the otherhand, I'm uncertain why they had to lend you their car.

 

One way to stop escalation is shut it down. The minute they started with the friction over something that didn't really have anything to do with the car, was the minute you should have said "Okay, I understand where you're coming from and are entitled to your opinion. I'll hop a cab with my stuff. I love you but I don't necessarily agree with your thoughts. I also love my cousin and would like to see him/her".

 

In doing so, they understand that you won't take advantage of their generosity, that they do have a right to their opinion but so do you. It also tells them that they can't control you.

[runfaster]

Wow, I didn't expect to get such great advice so quickly. Thank you all.. I am disappointed that my choices seem to be moving away from them emotionally, or staying close and swallowing the insults and arguments (which I'm not very good at anyway.) But I guess deep down I know they aren't going to REALLY see what I'm talking about, I mean... look at what happened last time I tried. Mom just claimed she doesn't remember what I'm talking about.

 

To respond to a few of your responses... no, my parents are not especially sociable. And more than once I've heard them make comments about one of their friends' parties or something, like they felt put out or dreaded having to attend. I know they are very disapproving of other people, and YES they do feed off of each other!! To argue with them is to be ganged up on... sometimes I just wish one of them would look at the other and think what the rest of us do: "Honey, you're kinda overreacting."

 

You're right, they did NOT have to let me borrow the car. That's one thing I forgot, is that night I remember saying, "If it bothers you so much, why don't you just say no?!" Obviously that was not the correct response. It's like... they didn't want to deprive me, they just wanted to make me feel really bad and let me know they weren't HAPPY about it before they gave me anything.

 

Another question... and maybe this is more appropriate for another discussion... but how do I avoid turning out like them in this way? There's alot I admire about them, but their haughty "holier-than-thou" and "low blow" style of arguing is NOT one of them. If I keep them at an arm's length, will that help keep me from "inherting" this?

[You'reasian]

Next time rent your own car. I tend to do this anyways when I visit family all over.

 

When it comes to your parents, be polite, try to let things slide when you can and spend, short-eventfull periods with them - like one day going to church, then go out the next day with your cousin or your friends.

 

Balance your time. Let them know you love and appreciate them, but keep it brief.

[Trialbyfire]

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, you can't depend on them for financial aid. This means, no borrowing their car, staying with them or relying on their meals, when you visit.

 

Stay at a hotel/motel, rent your own car or cab it, and pay for your own meals. In every way, you cannot expect equality, if you're relying on their generosity as your supporting parents.

 

Without dependency, they can only try using emotional leverage. Keep in mind that no one can have emotional leverage on you, unless you give them the power.

[anne1707]

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, you can't depend on them for financial aid. This means, no borrowing their car, staying with them or relying on their meals, when you visit.

.

 

I don't agree with staying at a hotel - that may cause yet more problems (I can imagine the complaints from the parents already). However hiring a car would definitely be a good idea - gives you freedom and independence to get away from teh house for a while, not having to ask, etc. How about not staying so long with your parents. Maybe shorter visits will be less demanding (on all of you).

 

Just to let you know you are not the only one in this situation - I had a very similar type or argument with my father on Boxing Day. It is all that parent/child thing and it is so frustrating but I know I am going to have to just put it behind me. I love my father and that means putting up with things I don't always agree with or like. However I do tend to keep the trips home shorter now and that works well.

[Geishawhelk]

Another question... and maybe this is more appropriate for another discussion... but how do I avoid turning out like them in this way? There's alot I admire about them, but their haughty "holier-than-thou" and "low blow" style of arguing is NOT one of them. If I keep them at an arm's length, will that help keep me from "inherting" this?

 

You choose your behaviour.

 

Look at it this way - to put it bluntly, you already have some of the traits, because by arguing with them, you are falling into the same vicious pattern of wanting the last word, and wanting to be right.

This is the case in every argument we get into, but it's particularly evident iin your relationship with your parents.

They won't let go of their role as dominant controlling parents.

You won't let go of your defenceless insecure subservient child. With the rebellious streak.

You have to emotionally 'grow up'.

 

Genes are strong.

But put it this way: Not every child of a child abuser, abuses children themselves.

It happens, sure, but only because the individuals are weak, and putting the blame for their behaviour outside of themselves.

"I can't help it, my dad was an abuser, so....."

 

Own your own role in this. Accept and be responsible for your own responses and input. You're feeding from this, and feeding into it.

 

You can learn to look at your responses and either modify and change them, or not follow through with them.

They're not parent material. They're a couple with children. There's a difference.

They haven't grown up themselves, and chances are that they knew a screwy relationship with THEIR parents.

The cycle perpetuates, until someone breaks it, and steps out.....

 

Make it your job to nurture YOU. Make it your job to develop, to change, to mature and to grow up.

[Whillo]

My dad passed away a couple of years ago at 82. I loved him dearly and he loved me always, but there were times when I would visit for awhile that he would bring me to tears with some off-hand remark or accusation. I am the mother of three adults and yet I felt like a little kid being chastised for something I said or did. As much as it would hurt, I never argued with him or threw anything back in his face. I would go into another room or even a walk until I was composed. When I returned, he acted like there wasn't a problem in the world.

 

Today I'm happy that I didn't argue. He's gone and what I have left is memories of a wonderful parent who, as he aged, got a little tense at times. No regrets.

[Mary3]

At 26 , you should not be having to prove yourself with your parents anymore.

 

But lessons are hard learned. Your parents are out of whack for BOTH pitting against you in an arguement.!

 

I remember when my kids would have a problem , my husband and I had very different views . I was the soft kind hearted one and he was the logistic facts based one. We butted heads.

 

I think its WEIRD that your parents pit against you.

 

They remind me of 2 pitbulls they have you around your ankles and REFUSE to let go until you cry mercy !

 

By the way. I think their treatment of you is ABUSIVE.

 

TIme for you to take a break from mama and papa....

 

No rooms . Get your own . Your own car. Make the visits SHORT so there is NO Way they can fight with you. When they DO then get in your car and tell them no more fighting. The WIND will be knocked out of their sails..

[2sure]

It sounds like you have been living the life of an adult and you mention that 98% of the time, your relationship with your parents in good. But when you go home to visit things seem to go back to teenage/parent drama. Borrowing the car, tears , the religion, etc. All that happened not right away but after a week. A week apparently is too long to be a house guest, even with your parents.