Would appreciate some input

[GAU77]

Hey everyone:

 

I'm new to Loveshack.org. I am really having a tough time with my current situation and was hoping I could get some input. Here is the situation (sorry may be long):

 

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. This past October, we had a big argument because I had accidentally over drafted an account which caused a bunch of bills to bounce. Long story, but basically I wrote a check from my business account to our personal account, but forgot that my business bank had changed the routing numbers and sent me a notice to order new business checks. This was the FIRST and only mistake I've ever made with respect to my business.

 

Apparently, this argument triggered what my wife had been apparently feeling for the past 2 years -- that she was "falling out of love," unbeknownst to me. We've had our share of arguments and she has been seeing a psychologist for the past 2.5 years for "childhood issues" (not sexual abuse, but verbal abuse and control issues).

 

After that argument last October, she told me that she was sick of me sleeping late on the weekends and working late (usually until around 9 p.m.). She goes to bed super early, so by the time I got home, she was getting in bed....my fault, and I take full blame for it. However, I still thought it was odd that those two things made her want to almost run to the courthouse to file for a divorce. After all, up until a month before that, we had been trying to have a baby.

 

After that argument, I completely changed my ways -- I was no longer sleeping late on the weekends and I was home by 6 p.m. This was consistent for 3 weeks. After 3 weeks and after I was changing what bothered her, she asked me to leave the house because she needed to "figure things out" and "learn to live on her own." My response was, "huh?!"

 

So, I left the house and have been living with my parents for about 3 months. Since I've been gone, I have pleaded with her to give marriage counseling a chance, which she refused. I will say that, about a year ago, she mentioned that she wanted to go to marriage counseling. However, she never communicated to me how DEEP our issues were to her. I unfortunately assumed that she was just mad about some things I had done recently. I told her we didn't need it and, frankly, could not afford it at the time. Of course, I regret that now.

 

In December, she finally agreed to go to counseling ONE time, but on her schedule. We went and I thought it was a step in the right direction. However, she subsequently told me that she only went to resolve her anger with me, not to reconcile. She has told me over and over that if we divorce we could always start "anew" and I have responded with, "If you divorce me, I'm not going to talk to you anymore because I'm going to move on." Every time I say this, she gets angry and says something to the effect of, "If you really loved me the way you say you do, you would keep that option open." To me, her response is completely irrational.

 

Recently, we finally met to discuss how we are going to divide things up. Suffice it to say, that things did not go well. She started picking a fight with me and I tried my best to stay calm, let her lash out at me, and be kind (like I've been doing since last October). But, I guess I had finally had enough of being her punching bag. So, I started lashing out back at her. I told her that, since she wants this divorce, we needed to knock things out that night so that the papers could be prepared and filed. At that point, she said that we needed to get a lot of stuff in order before we file.....we don't -- we can put all of this in the Settlement Agreement. It almost seems like she is delaying things. I told her that, she got angry, and then said something to the effect of, "Fine....I'll sit on this and you'll just have to file against me." As a side note, I do not want to file against her. It sounds silly on my part, but the way I look at it is, she wants this, not me. So, I'm not going to file. After she told me she wasn't going to sit on this indefinitely (out of spite), I said, "Fine -- then I'll be moving back in the house in 2 weeks" -- because I know she doesn't want that. To me, it's weird that we cannot co-habitate until we file and the divorce is finalized. Weird because, during the 3 weeks following our fight, I lived in a separate bedroom, didn't bother her, didn't try to get intimate with her....actually, I barely even talked to her.

 

Sorry for the rambling and lengthy post, but I'll try to wrap it up here.

 

1. I am angry that I am not living in my house....I'm paying the damn mortgage after all.

 

2. I don't understand the big deal of us living under the same roof until we divorce.

 

3. I don't understand why she seems to be dragging her feet -- yet, she has made it crystal clear to me lately that she wants a divorce.

 

4. I don't understand why she gets angry that I refuse to have anything to do with her after we divorce.....can she really expect me to keep the option open that we may get back together again?

 

Again, sorry for all the info. I'm just confused. There is a LOT more to this. I can fill in any details if you want me to.

 

Thanks for any input.

[SRV]

-Sorry for what you are going through.

 

-How would you characterize the communication through your marriage between the two of you?

 

-Have you done enough research on your part to make sure that there is no one else?

 

-Her outburst from the account issue was an excuse for underlying problems, discontent that has been simmering.

 

-Once again, are you sure there is no one else?

[GAU77]

-Sorry for what you are going through.

 

-How would you characterize the communication through your marriage between the two of you?

 

-Have you done enough research on your part to make sure that there is no one else?

 

-Her outburst from the account issue was an excuse for underlying problems, discontent that has been simmering.

 

-Once again, are you sure there is no one else?

 

Re our communication: Our communication has been sub-par for sure -- on both of our parts, not just one.

 

Re someone else: Funny you bring that up (that is what I meant by "filling in the details"). Let me explain. She has worked for her employer for about the last 2 years. In her first year there, I would overhear her talking to her mom on the phone and she would say things like, "You should have seen what ____ did at work...it was so hilarious, etc." She never said anything like, "He's so good looking." She has said to me in the past that he is so "witty" and "funny" and "smart." Anyways, I let that roll off my back and never said anything to her about it. After I moved out, I noticed that he sent her more texts and there were more phone calls. However, it wasn't like she was doing a LOT more texting back a forth. So, nothing extremely odd, but something I noticed. (my name is on the joint account, so I'm able to check the activity online). Here is the other thing: About a month ago, this guy was pushing and pushing their boss to allow my wife and him to go out-of-state on a business trip. He was already going, but he was trying to convince the boss to let her go too (there were 2 slots). He told this guy "No." So, I start looking at her e-mails (she gave me her password a long time ago and knows that I have it -- no hacking on my part). This guy sent her a few e-mails since last October. The last e-mail he sent to her was disturbing. He basically told my wife that he had run out of options with the boss and that he was sorry for getting her hopes up. He then encouraged her to call or email the boss and said, "maybe if you were to disclose your current relationship status, you could garner some sympathy" -- which is idiotic...if anything, the boss may get suspicious. This guy is married and my wife is friends with his wife, by the way. Toward the end of this e-mail, he said something to the effect of, "Sorry again...I was looking forward to seeing your Caribbean shirt next to my bed ;)" Now, I must say this. This guy has a filthy sense of humor and I've been around him when he has made sexual/improper comments to other women in the office....none of the ladies take offense because the whole office has a filthy sense of humor. However, this comment in his email to my wife bothered me tremendously. Subsequently, I discovered a sex toy and porno in our house (ran by the house when she was at work and saw it in the cabinet under her sink). I also saw a bag that said "From Secret Santa" and it was definitely a woman's handwriting. Later on, I noticed that she had moved the sex toy and porno to an old purse up in a closet that we store things in. When we met recently to discuss how we were going to divide things up, I said, "Can you explain to me why you have a porno and sex toy?" I asked her who gave it to her and she said, "I bought them from ________ (store that I know doesn't sell this stuff)" I said, "Do you want to try again?" She finally told me that she got it as a Secret Santa gift from people at work. I asked her who, and she said ________ (a girlfriend from her office)....then she hesitated and said ________ also (this being that guy). I'll stop there since I'm being long-winded. Again, let me know if I need to fill in some more details.

 

I don't THINK she has been physically cheating on me.....but, I think that she has an emotional attachment to someone else (possibly this guy at work...despite the fact that he is married).

 

Again, your input is appreciated.

[GAU77]

Oh....I should add that my wife's response to his disturbing e-mail made me feel a little better. She did not reciprocate with flirtations, but instead said stuff like, "No problem...I appreciate all of your efforts. Don't worry about it. I hope you and ________ (his wife) have a great Christmas."

[troubadour]

GAU77,

 

Based on what you wrote I would be very suprised if there is no one else in her life. She is displaying classic symptoms of being in some sort of affair. Sorry man.

[Mountains10]

Re our communication: Our communication has been sub-par for sure -- on both of our parts, not just one.

 

Re someone else: Funny you bring that up (that is what I meant by "filling in the details"). Let me explain. She has worked for her employer for about the last 2 years. In her first year there, I would overhear her talking to her mom on the phone and she would say things like, "You should have seen what ____ did at work...it was so hilarious, etc." She never said anything like, "He's so good looking." She has said to me in the past that he is so "witty" and "funny" and "smart." Anyways, I let that roll off my back and never said anything to her about it. After I moved out, I noticed that he sent her more texts and there were more phone calls. However, it wasn't like she was doing a LOT more texting back a forth. So, nothing extremely odd, but something I noticed. (my name is on the joint account, so I'm able to check the activity online). Here is the other thing: About a month ago, this guy was pushing and pushing their boss to allow my wife and him to go out-of-state on a business trip. He was already going, but he was trying to convince the boss to let her go too (there were 2 slots). He told this guy "No." So, I start looking at her e-mails (she gave me her password a long time ago and knows that I have it -- no hacking on my part). This guy sent her a few e-mails since last October. The last e-mail he sent to her was disturbing. He basically told my wife that he had run out of options with the boss and that he was sorry for getting her hopes up. He then encouraged her to call or email the boss and said, "maybe if you were to disclose your current relationship status, you could garner some sympathy" -- which is idiotic...if anything, the boss may get suspicious. This guy is married and my wife is friends with his wife, by the way. Toward the end of this e-mail, he said something to the effect of, "Sorry again...I was looking forward to seeing your Caribbean shirt next to my bed ;)" Now, I must say this. This guy has a filthy sense of humor and I've been around him when he has made sexual/improper comments to other women in the office....none of the ladies take offense because the whole office has a filthy sense of humor. However, this comment in his email to my wife bothered me tremendously. Subsequently, I discovered a sex toy and porno in our house (ran by the house when she was at work and saw it in the cabinet under her sink). I also saw a bag that said "From Secret Santa" and it was definitely a woman's handwriting. Later on, I noticed that she had moved the sex toy and porno to an old purse up in a closet that we store things in. When we met recently to discuss how we were going to divide things up, I said, "Can you explain to me why you have a porno and sex toy?" I asked her who gave it to her and she said, "I bought them from ________ (store that I know doesn't sell this stuff)" I said, "Do you want to try again?" She finally told me that she got it as a Secret Santa gift from people at work. I asked her who, and she said ________ (a girlfriend from her office)....then she hesitated and said ________ also (this being that guy). I'll stop there since I'm being long-winded. Again, let me know if I need to fill in some more details.

 

I don't THINK she has been physically cheating on me.....but, I think that she has an emotional attachment to someone else (possibly this guy at work...despite the fact that he is married).

 

Again, your input is appreciated.

 

GAU,

 

I'm no expert but many of us here are going thru exactly the same thing as you or we've been thru it ourselves. Me personally, I'm 3 months into it. Our situations here are all very similiar, if you get a chance read thru the top 10 threads and you'll see what I'm talking about.

If you want to have a shot at saving your marriage, you need to put a stop to this immediately. I would first gather everything you have and find out if she's having an Emotional Affair or a Physical Affair. Start snooping and start finding out everything you can. Be careful to not let her know you are doing this or she'll get better at hiding it. Once you get all the evidence you can and if you find out there's IS something going on, you need to inform the other man's wife. Don't threaten to do it, just do it, but only after you are sure about what's going on. That should stop him. This is referred to as 'exposing'. Don't worry about who you make mad, your wife will get over it if she's having an affair and the other man's wife take care of him, if she cares about her marriage.

 

It sounds as if you started to make the changes that she was bugging you about, hopefully it's not too late. My changes were too little too late. Keep with the changes you've made and start working on yourself as well. If you don't work out, start doing it, get in shape and stay busy.

 

Don't think that because it hasn't gotten physical that it's ok, emotional affairs are much harder to break than PA's, from what I've read and experienced.

 

Marriagebuilders.com has some excellent advice on how to start with Plan A and the exposure, I suggest you take a read to especially the exposure part. You're early enough into this that you can do something about it. Whatever you do, try not to let your emotions get in the way of the logic of the situation.

 

Oh, and move back in your house, why'd you leave if you're paying the mortgage? If she's not happy, then that's on her, go back home, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

Good luck my friend, welcome aboard, you're in good company.

 

Mountains

[GAU77]

GAU,

 

I'm no expert but many of us here are going thru exactly the same thing as you or we've been thru it ourselves. Me personally, I'm 3 months into it. Our situations here are all very similiar, if you get a chance read thru the top 10 threads and you'll see what I'm talking about.

If you want to have a shot at saving your marriage, you need to put a stop to this immediately. I would first gather everything you have and find out if she's having an Emotional Affair or a Physical Affair. Start snooping and start finding out everything you can. Be careful to not let her know you are doing this or she'll get better at hiding it. Once you get all the evidence you can and if you find out there's IS something going on, you need to inform the other man's wife. Don't threaten to do it, just do it, but only after you are sure about what's going on. That should stop him. This is referred to as 'exposing'. Don't worry about who you make mad, your wife will get over it if she's having an affair and the other man's wife take care of him, if she cares about her marriage.

 

It sounds as if you started to make the changes that she was bugging you about, hopefully it's not too late. My changes were too little too late. Keep with the changes you've made and start working on yourself as well. If you don't work out, start doing it, get in shape and stay busy.

 

Don't think that because it hasn't gotten physical that it's ok, emotional affairs are much harder to break than PA's, from what I've read and experienced.

 

Marriagebuilders.com has some excellent advice on how to start with Plan A and the exposure, I suggest you take a read to especially the exposure part. You're early enough into this that you can do something about it. Whatever you do, try not to let your emotions get in the way of the logic of the situation.

 

Oh, and move back in your house, why'd you leave if you're paying the mortgage? If she's not happy, then that's on her, go back home, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

Good luck my friend, welcome aboard, you're in good company.

 

Mountains

 

I really appreciate your response Mountains. I agree with regard to my house. I was dumb to have agreed to move out like I did. I should have stuck to my guns. Here is the deal with my house. My wife's family all live up north. We live in the South and close to all of my family. Her rational for me moving out was that I had people to stay with, which of course I do. About a month ago, I sent her a text to the effect of, "Would you like to have dinner or lunch tomorrow - no strings attached." Her response was "Why?" and then "The only way I'll get together with you is to go over settlement." Since it was my understanding that I moved out so that she could "figure things out," I thought I had my answer -- so, with the support of my family, I showed up the next day (unannounced) with my bags and walked in the front door. She thought I was there just to pick up some mail, etc. and when I calmly and kindly informed her that I was moving back in (since she had given me an answer the day before), she absolutely exploded...screaming, acting like a spoiled brat, saying stuff like "why are you doing this to me?", sobbing, etc. She packed her bags and left the house for a hotel that night. About 1 hour after she left, he father called me to "give me a piece of his mind," saying immature and idiotic things like, "I hear that you kicked my daughter out of the house" (when, clearly, I did not). I decided that it had become a circus that night, so I went BACK to my parent's house where I've been ever since.

 

My question for you and everyone else is, bearing in mind the family logistics that I mentioned, is it unreasonable for me to still insist on moving back into my house? As my older brother said, "I don't care if your family is down here and hers is up there.....'big boy' rules apply. You both are adults here."

[Mountains10]

I really appreciate your response Mountains. I agree with regard to my house. I was dumb to have agreed to move out like I did. I should have stuck to my guns. Here is the deal with my house. My wife's family all live up north. We live in the South and close to all of my family. Her rational for me moving out was that I had people to stay with, which of course I do. About a month ago, I sent her a text to the effect of, "Would you like to have dinner or lunch tomorrow - no strings attached." Her response was "Why?" and then "The only way I'll get together with you is to go over settlement." Since it was my understanding that I moved out so that she could "figure things out," I thought I had my answer -- so, with the support of my family, I showed up the next day (unannounced) with my bags and walked in the front door. She thought I was there just to pick up some mail, etc. and when I calmly and kindly informed her that I was moving back in (since she had given me an answer the day before), she absolutely exploded...screaming, acting like a spoiled brat, saying stuff like "why are you doing this to me?", sobbing, etc. She packed her bags and left the house for a hotel that night. About 1 hour after she left, he father called me to "give me a piece of his mind," saying immature and idiotic things like, "I hear that you kicked my daughter out of the house" (when, clearly, I did not). I decided that it had become a circus that night, so I went BACK to my parent's house where I've been ever since.

 

My question for you and everyone else is, bearing in mind the family logistics that I mentioned, is it unreasonable for me to still insist on moving back into my house? As my older brother said, "I don't care if your family is down here and hers is up there.....'big boy' rules apply. You both are adults here."

 

Hello again,

 

No, it's not irrational. I had to do a heck of a lot of reading over the last 3 months, so maybe I can save you that time and let you know from experience and from what I've read.

First off, her family is going to take her side, so get used to that. In the beginning when I exposed (you'll hear me relate a lot to myself, I'm not self centered, it's the only thing I have to relate to) to her family, they initially we're on my side, but remember, blood is thicker than water, they will eventually give in to support their daughter. I know how it is to be close with the inlaws, but you have to put that aside, they don't understand, therefore, you're going to be the enemy no matter what you do. Forget what they say and move yourself back in there. You have to take control and I know it's not easy when you're going thru these emotions.

 

You will also have to do some reading on this 'fog' that these wayward spouses get into. It's like an alien has taken over their body and they are not the person you used to know. They will blame you because it can't possibly be their fault, you are now the problem and the excuse for their feelings. The behavior you will see is completely irrational and won't make much sense to you, but you will have to deal with it as calmly as you can. Just try to keep the situation under control and try to never let it escalate, I know it's just easier to get angry about it, but try not to.

 

You are dealing with a whole new situation now and rationale won't get you far in understanding her behavior. I'm still trying to understand mine. Remember, you have to expose the affair in order to try and get it to stop. Once she moves out and/or you do the same, it's going to be harder to figure out what she's up to. I'm not saying keep her there, but move back in asap. Also, look at your finances. I learned the hard way, as I trusted mine to always take care of this (i'm not great with numbers). I soon learned that her spending was out of control. By the time I realized it, it was too late. If she moves out, DO NOT FINANCE her to live outside of the home. That means, if she moves into an apartment or a hotel, DO NOT pay for it, under any circumstance. She has a good home to live in, if she wants to go elsewhere, that's her problem.

 

Also keep in mind, you can't control their behavior, only your own. Show her a man she wants to come home to. If those issues you spoke about earlier drove her away, fixing those issues on your end will show her you're serious. Also, only show her a happy person, not overly happy, but a content person. DO NOT: plead or beg with her to change her mind, it only pushes them away.

 

Also, work on your 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

 

That's a good page with a lot of good information, but #11 is the one you really need to look at.

 

I'll try and do some more replying tomorrow morning, I'm about to fall out. Just move back in tomorrow, regardless of what she does, you'll see behavior from her you didn't think possible, just take the high road with it. Talk to you soon.

 

Mountains10

[GAU77]

Hello again,

 

Once she moves out and/or you do the same, it's going to be harder to figure out what she's up to. I'm not saying keep her there, but move back in asap. Also, look at your finances. I learned the hard way, as I trusted mine to always take care of this (i'm not great with numbers). I soon learned that her spending was out of control. By the time I realized it, it was too late. If she moves out, DO NOT FINANCE her to live outside of the home. That means, if she moves into an apartment or a hotel, DO NOT pay for it, under any circumstance. She has a good home to live in, if she wants to go elsewhere, that's her problem.

 

Mountains10

 

Thanks so much. I agree wholeheartedly with the above quote. However, here is my concern. As bad as I want to move back in, if I do, she will definitely move out. In fact, today I checked her cell phone records online and noticed that she called quite a few real estate companies. Through a little investigation, I found that she is looking to rent a house or condo. IF she moves out and to a different county, it might make me crazy because THEN I will have no clue who is there (if everyone parks in a parking lot especially), what she is doing, etc. At least with the current situation, I'm able to stop by and sort of keep tabs on her....no, I'm not stalking, but I occasionally drive by to see if any cars are in our driveway (because, due to storage, we can only park 1 car in our garage).

 

I'm not trying to be wishy-washy, but I'm just thinking out loud. Sort of a Catch-22 for me, really. If she moves out, it will be harder to keep tabs on things, but if she stays, then I'm "out of sight, out of mind" plus she gets to have the house to herself. Also, I noticed that after our "talk" last week (to divide things up), she changed her e-mail password the following morning. So, now I cannot access it anymore to see if that guy is still e-mailing her.

 

I have considered going to her boss about all of this (my way of exposing things). Let me explain (if she gets on this forum and sees this, she may figure out it's me, but oh well...I'll still keep some things discreet). We are both professionals (career-wise). Apparently, her boss has no clue that we are separated. So, what I thought about doing was meeting him at the ....well, somewhere that I can't disclose and telling him I really need to discuss something with him. Then, I would basically tell him that my wife and I have been separated for a while now...that she abruptly asked me to leave the house last year....that she gave me her e-mail password and knew I had it so I checked it and found these (handing them to him) e-mails from this guy to my wife....that text messages from this guy have increased since I've been gone (again, showing him a copy of her cell phone bills).....that this guy gave my wife a sex toy and porno as a "Secret Santa" gift.....etc. If he asked me what I wanted him to do about it, I would simply say, "I didn't come to you to ask you to necessarily do anything...but, I wanted to let you know that I'm not happy that this guy, who works under you in a professional capacity, no less, has been doing all of this with my wife as I've been trying to reconcile with her. I wanted to give you the heads up because, if she eventually files for divorce, I don't want you blind-sided when my attorney starts subpoenaing this guy and others in your office that may know or have noticed something. It will undoubtedly disrupt your office, if this happens."

 

The only bad thing about doing this is, this "boss" may fire my wife, along with this guy....then, she may seek some sort of temporary alimony from me. Not to mention, it will be tougher to pay the bills with a loss of income. This "boss" is very involved in his church and is as straight-laced as they come. I can't imagine him blowing off what I had to say. At a minimum, I think he would fire this guy OR transfer one of the two to a different office.

 

Anyways, just a thought I had....again, thanks Mountains. Any opinion about this idea of mine. I need to hit the hay too. Talk to you later.

 

By the way, if you want to know more about our jobs, etc., feel free to send me a PM.

[Gunny376]

She's scroggin someone else!

 

Dump her and move on with your Life!

 

All this means is that you've got to find yourself someone else!

 

Damn the bad luck!

[LakesideDream]

Kids? Sounds like so kids... but you aren't a detail guy. Details come out in fits and spirts.

 

If there are no mutual children involved my advice is to cut your losses. Go ahead with your divorce, regardless of her attempts to control the situation. I agree with others posting, it sounds like your wife has a new penis to play with and wants you to remain the loyal backup who also eh... by the way... pays the mortgage, utilities, car payments.

 

Your wife sounds like she has psycological problems, anchored in the past that will keep her from being in a successful relationship until those problems are resolved.

 

Good luck and please... protect yourself.

[Gunny376]

Kids? Sounds like so kids... but you aren't a detail guy. Details come out in fits and spirts.

 

If there are no mutual children involved my advice is to cut your losses. Go ahead with your divorce, regardless of her attempts to control the situation. I agree with others posting, it sounds like your wife has a new penis to play with and wants you to remain the loyal backup who also eh... by the way... pays the mortgage, utilities, car payments.kn

 

Your wife sounds like she has psycological problems, anchored in the past that will keep her from being in a successful relationship until those problems are resolved.

 

Good luck and please... protect yourself.

 

 

Marines know Marines! Vets know Vets! Battle hardened! Battled Earned! Marines know Marines! All gave some! Some gave all!

[Nomad1]

She is the weakest link! Tell her goodbye! move back in so she moves out. Maintain absolute No Contact! Deal with matters through solicitors. Buy her interest in the house out and have a lodger if you have to. The way the market is at the moment may mean giving her NOTHING! She is no longer your problem. Don't think about what she might be doing. She has already done it. Man up! It is the only way to regain your sanity! There are thousands of women out there. Use this opportunity to get yourself a good one! Not a liability. Good luck!

 

Nomad1

[Mountains10]

She is the weakest link! Tell her goodbye! move back in so she moves out. Maintain absolute No Contact! Deal with matters through solicitors. Buy her interest in the house out and have a lodger if you have to. The way the market is at the moment may mean giving her NOTHING! She is no longer your problem. Don't think about what she might be doing. She has already done it. Man up! It is the only way to regain your sanity! There are thousands of women out there. Use this opportunity to get yourself a good one! Not a liability. Good luck!

 

Nomad1

 

 

GAU,

 

Take Nomad's advice here. I know it doesn't sound logical, but if she's sleeping with another guy, you're not even in the picture anymore. I'm saying, do you feel ok with allowing your wife to screw another guy in your house? Sounds harsh, but you need to hear it. You need to realize you are enabling this to happen, why would it stop? As for exposing to the boss, go for it, just make sure you have the proof you need. You don't want to expose unless you have everything you need to do the job right. If either her or the OM loses their job, too bad. They made these choices, not you. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds as though from what you are saying, she's already planning her exit. Make sure to take care of your finances, I can't stress this enough, coming from a guy who never paid attention, make sure you do this asap!

[TrustInYourself]

GAU, she's involved in an emotional affair.

 

It may not be physical, but that is still basis for cheating.

 

It's your house. You have a right to live there. If she chooses to move out, then that is her decision.

 

Man up. Create consequences for her actions. Take a stand for your self interests.

 

One of the hardest things to do, when a marriage is breaking apart, is to take a step back and let go. After actively working and supporting and loving someone else, it becomes instinct to give and give when times are hard. Instead, you should be standing firm. Not taking, not giving. Stand firm.

 

I know your heart and intentions are in reconciliation, but you can not allow that to cloud your decision making.

 

I'm not saying that reconciliation as the end goal, is impossible. But to achieve those ends, you need to be focused on the here and now and the possible future without her.

 

Don't fight with her, just create consequences by allowing her to make decisions. Let her lead the way, but it's not your responsibility to leave the house so that she can do whatever she feels like.

 

Do not validate her behavior.

[Searching49]

GAU, she's involved in an emotional affair.

 

It may not be physical, but that is still basis for cheating.

 

It's your house. You have a right to live there. If she chooses to move out, then that is her decision.

 

Man up. Create consequences for her actions. Take a stand for your self interests.

 

One of the hardest things to do, when a marriage is breaking apart, is to take a step back and let go. After actively working and supporting and loving someone else, it becomes instinct to give and give when times are hard. Instead, you should be standing firm. Not taking, not giving. Stand firm.

 

I know your heart and intentions are in reconciliation, but you can not allow that to cloud your decision making.

 

I'm not saying that reconciliation as the end goal, is impossible. But to achieve those ends, you need to be focused on the here and now and the possible future without her.

 

Don't fight with her, just create consequences by allowing her to make decisions. Let her lead the way, but it's not your responsibility to leave the house so that she can do whatever she feels like.

 

Do not validate her behavior.

 

GUA I agree. Read the threads posted by myself and Mountains all the way through. Our stories are all very similar and Mountains and I are a bit ahead of you. She is at least having an emotional affair and is now completely fogged. I know it is amazing to see the woman you love become someone you have never seen before in the blink of an eye. Trust me, I know how hard it is. I'm so glad everyone told you to move back in because that was by far the best thing to do. I was thinking the same way you were. I just want to give you a little more insight into your situation. Here is a quote from one of your earlier threads:

 

"is it unreasonable for me to still insist on moving back into my house?"

 

Ummm...can you see the inherent stupidity in that question??? It does seem like you don't have any kids which is a great thing. But I think you do need to start facing the fact that this isn't going to work out. It's a b*tch of a corner to turn, but you'll feel a lot better when you do. Keep us updated, give more details, we'll help you through it.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

You definitely need to take charge here. It's your house. You pay for it. If your wife doesn't want you around then she needs to move. Move back in. And if dad calls tell him he didn't train his daughter very well about fidelity. Don't call the boss. Divorce her and find a woman who is not a spoiled child,and a cheat. Let her live in an apartment. Then every year at christmas send her a yearly letter on how happy you are with the new girl. The Vacations, business successes. Be sure to send it so it hits her every new year.

[Touche]

However, she never communicated to me how DEEP our issues were to her.

 

That's your first mistake. If you're being completely honest here, and I have no reason to doubt that you are, then these are HER issues here. Not yours.

 

He was already going, but he was trying to convince the boss to let her go too (there were 2 slots).

 

Uhm, in his mind there was only one "slot" and he was going to get in it.

 

I think your other big mistake by the way, was moving out. If SHE'S the one wanting out, why did YOU move? Because she convinced you this is all YOUR fault. Bull. Come on, be a man.

 

Also, I'm curious about something. You mentioned you're in the South (so am I) - not sure about the laws in your state but generally there's a period of legal separation before a divorce can take place. Is that not the case in your state?

 

As to "keeping tabs" on her and not letting her get the hell out and find her own place, well there would be your biggest mistake of all. You're setting yourself up for a huge, huge disappointment. You'll only bring yourself more pain. Why make it worse and prolong it? She wants out.

 

Like the others said, be glad you didn't have kids with her.

 

Oh and by the way, it would be a HUGE mistake to go to the boss. It will make you small and vindictive. It's a complete waste of time. You said you were worried though that she'd lose her job and get alimony from you. Uhm, no. You need a lawyer. It doesn't work that way at all. At least not around where I live. You're thinking about years and years ago. Because if she's been working and you have no kids, I can't see any instance where alimony would be granted under such circumstances. I could be wrong, but from what I know it's not common practice at all any more.

 

Let her go.

 

Oh and one more thing...as to the who files bit? Who cares? I let my ex file. I didn't care. I just wanted to be done with it all. In the end what does it matter who files? I'd just go ahead and do it if I were you?

 

And why is it such a big deal to her for you to divorce and still have contact? It's just a way for her to further manipulate you and use you.

 

I hate seeing stuff like this happen to the really nice guys like you seem to be.

 

File and distance yourself from this woman. Sounds like you deserve way, way better than this.

[marlena]

...........Never mind. I need to reread this again.

[Mountains10]

GAU,

 

Don't worry about her family giving you slack about moving back in. When I refused to move out, I had an in law call me and tell me that they thought I should be the one to move out. My response? Why should I? I am not the one trying to break the marriage up. I stood my ground, regardless of what her family thought. You know what? I'm still living here and she's not. I take care of this house and the pets and all is well. It's quiet and clean and I like it that way. The wife had multiple chances to move back in and refused and at first it bothered me somewhat, I felt rather lonely after a month. Now, it's actually nice, and it's much nicer than where she's living. I didn't enable her financially to move out and she's seeing what her future will be like without my money to help her along. She filed for divorce recently and I wasn't thrilled about it, but it's getting a lot better. I realize that I need to work on myself somewhat, but life is looking a lot better. It's just hard to see it when you're in a relationship for so long and you get used to having someone always around. Now get yourself back in there, don't make us tell you again .

[GAU77]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I would have responded quicker, but I was out of town.

 

Regarding children, no we don't have any -- which makes things a lot easier. I went over to our house during the day today and saw that my wife had bought a ton of boxes and put them together. However, she has not yet started packing them. I've also noticed (via phone records) that she has been calling real estate places a little more.

 

A few folks have said to have no contact, which I totally agree with and see the logic behind. However, I don't want her to even SEE me. I also noticed 2 pairs of, what appeared to be, new underwear (sexy, not normal underwear) in her closet. I want to so badly confront her about this, the e-mails I have from that guy, etc. and tell her to get the hell out of my house -- but, then, I'd have contact with her and I'm not sure if I'm ready for another argument with her. A couple of people have said that they would NOT contact her boss about the evidence I have because I would look small and vindictive. I agree but, to be honest with you, I don't give a crap anymore. I'd rather be vindictive and get her and/or her friend fired then to sort of forget about those emails, etc. What I want, regardless of whether it matters or doesn't matter, is to let HER know that I know about everything.

 

I'm just having a tough time today after seeing the boxes and the new underwear, so I'm not making much sense. I had planned on moving back on Friday and I know that she'll ask me to give her another couple days or a week to finish packing the boxes. I'm of the mind to tell her too bad, I told you 2 weeks ago that I was moving back today -- you should have planned accordingly. Of course, she will go ballistic and cry and stomp around like she did when I tried moving back in a couple months ago.....not sure I have the energy to deal with that right now...no, I'm not a wuss...just mentally tired.

 

Anyways, thanks again everyone. Thanks Mountains.

[GAU77]

Oh, one other thing......

 

I am contemplating filing soon (instead of waiting on her). I considered filing on the grounds of adultery based on the little evidence I have. Most adultery cases are based on circumstantial evidence anyways, and I could always amend or withdraw my divorce complaint. I know this sounds vindictive and it probably is, but I really could care less at this point. I want her to know that I'm not a jackass and that I'm on to her. And, even if it hurts more than helps me, I would love for my attorney to question my wife under oath in a deposition. If I file, this will end up in court with a LOT of people she knows and works with, including judges....don't want to disclose what she does in case she gets on here, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

[Searching49]

Oh, one other thing......

 

I am contemplating filing soon (instead of waiting on her). I considered filing on the grounds of adultery based on the little evidence I have. Most adultery cases are based on circumstantial evidence anyways, and I could always amend or withdraw my divorce complaint. I know this sounds vindictive and it probably is, but I really could care less at this point. I want her to know that I'm not a jackass and that I'm on to her. And, even if it hurts more than helps me, I would love for my attorney to question my wife under oath in a deposition. If I file, this will end up in court with a LOT of people she knows and works with, including judges....don't want to disclose what she does in case she gets on here, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

 

GAU, I looked into this too. If you are really going to prove this, then you need what is called "disposition and oppurtunity". I'm not sure if what you have alone would count as disposition. But for opportunity, you need to show that they are alone somewhere for a length of time. This ususally requires surveilance by a PI. This could all cost you several thousand. Yes if you prove it, you get it all back. Research divorce grounds in your state, as for a one hour consultation with a lawyer, and the start making decisions. If you are going the adultery route, you should start setting up your chess pieces now. But is this really necessary for you, or is it just a vendetta that will cost you a lot of money???

[GAU77]

Okay, I keep one more thing....

 

My wife just texted me and said that she is packing and needs to know about what to do with some "stuff." I'm assuming the "no contact" rule doesn't apply to something like this. So, I sent her a quick text back and said that she could just leave what she is unsure about in a stack and I'd come by during the day and take a look. She then sent another text about refinancing our house.....I need to refinance to get her name off since we have agreed that I would get the house (she can't afford it).

 

I responded with, "Already told you....with the way the market is now, it will not be refinanced anytime soon, so we will put the time limit and conditions in the Settlement Agreement." She then called my cell phone and I let it go to voicemail. Her message was something to the effect of, "I cannot move somewhere else until my name is off the house. I want to know who has been telling you that it will take 6-12 months to refinance, who you have talked to about this, etc." (i.e. refinanced). I shot her a text back that said something like, "I CANNOT talk on the phone about this right now...I have way too much going on this week. I'll check other refinance options next week."

 

I think it is ridiculous and unreasonable that she really thinks that the house must be refinanced before we file our papers. It's my understanding that all of the time limits, terms, and conditions are simply inserted into the Settlement Agreement. Am I being unreasonable? Regardless, I've decided to move back in this weekend, like I told her I would 2 weeks ago. So, as far as I'm concerned, she can stay on the other end of the house if she can't "leave" until it is refinanced or she can leave and agree to insert a time limit in the Agreement.

 

As a side note, about 2 months ago, she said that I could easily refinance if my dad co-signed. I told my Dad about this and he laughed and said, "I don't think so." Then, it dawned on me that, if she is so concerned about not qualifying for a condo, apartment, etc. because her name is still on the mortgage, why can't SHE get HER dad to co-sign on whatever she chooses to live in. This is really beginning to piss me off, and I'm trying my best to keep my temper reigned in. The longer this goes on, the more irrational her arguments seem....think I was blind to these irrational arguments before all of this happened between us.

 

Thanks.

[GAU77]

Oh, one other thing......

 

 

 

GAU, I looked into this too. If you are really going to prove this, then you need what is called "disposition and oppurtunity". I'm not sure if what you have alone would count as disposition. But for opportunity, you need to show that they are alone somewhere for a length of time. This ususally requires surveilance by a PI. This could all cost you several thousand. Yes if you prove it, you get it all back. Research divorce grounds in your state, as for a one hour consultation with a lawyer, and the start making decisions. If you are going the adultery route, you should start setting up your chess pieces now. But is this really necessary for you, or is it just a vendetta that will cost you a lot of money???

 

To be honest, it is just a vendetta....oh...that will cost me a lot of money. Childish? Yes. But, I'm sick of her making herself out to be the victim in this to her family, friends, etc.