I cheated on my wife - how do I win her back?

[Saddened_Husband]

My wife and I wed nearly 3 years ago and perhaps insecure, but I maintained online relationships throughout our engagement and marriage. Once married we were faced with many challenges: relocation, missing of family/friends, finances, living together, the adoption of a child and trying to conceive a child of our own. Instead of embracing my wife and working through the issues I escaped to the Internet where I received remorse. Overtime, my wife and I grew distant and my thrill seeking turned into two sexual affairs. I was not emotionally connected with either woman, but the affairs took place.

 

Since the information surfaced, much has changed in our lives: we moved out of state, sold our house, new jobs and we're currently living with her parents. The past year has been an emotional roller-coaster and I've received counseling (both spiritual and psychological). I've become a better person and instead of fleeing the situation, stood up in the fire and have been there for my wife and kids. Things remain rocky because I'm currently unemployed (due to the economy), but possess a Masters degree and 10+ years of professional experience - so I remain hopeful. I also extracted my 401k to provide a financial cushion for our family.

 

I've accepted responsibility/accountability for my mistakes, have become a better person and daily remind my wife and kids how much I love them. Our kids are 5 and 1 and I repeatedly tell my wife the greatest gift we can possibly give them is to remain a family. Following a year, my wife has yet to speak to a counselor (stating the problem was mine, not hers) and remains bitter to the situation. She recently told me she could NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN and we're both lonely and down. I know if I had a job my wife would be in greater spirits (when I was previously employed and making good money she repeatedly talked about buying a house together and giving it a try), but my wife is down and everything is my fault: why we moved out of state, why we sold our beautiful house, why we're living in a small house with her parents, etc.

 

Please help.....what do I say or do? How do I talk my wife into marriage counseling? Should I give her space? - we're already distant and having been intimate (even hugged or kissed) in over a year.......wouldn't that separate us farther? I genuinely love my wife, learned my lesson and live with new values in life. In addition, I've learned to love without being loved in return.

 

Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person - I love her with all of my heart !!!

 

Thank you for your time and assistance.

[4dviceJunki3]

Well my friend, I couldn't speak from experience because I'm only 24 and haven't married yet but If I were in your shoes, I would respect her perspective on things and just try to remain positive about it all; whether the relationship works out or not, you have to remain positive or else you will be hurting yourself only.

 

Keep hope that things will be better between you two. Possibly go out of your way to prove how much you realize you screwed up and that you will NEVER make that mistake ever again.

 

In your wife's eyes, she has lost trust in you and you cannot blame her. This is a natural reaction to a situation like yours; you have to not fight to win her back but win her trust back.

[samsungxoxo]

Only time will tell when she will trust you again or if the marriage works out. For now keep going counseling and answer all her questions regarding the affairs. Be there for her and the kids, she needs emotional support now.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've accepted responsibility/accountability for my mistakes, have become a better person and daily remind my wife and kids how much I love them. Our kids are 5 and 1 and I repeatedly tell my wife the greatest gift we can possibly give them is to remain a family.

 

Way to try to guilt trip her into doing what you want. With this you are trying to get her to think that if she doesn't want to be married to a cheater like you anymore, that she is crapping on her children if she decides to divorce.

 

Sorry, YOU did this to them, not her, if she decides to divorce you.

 

 

Following a year, my wife has yet to speak to a counselor (stating the problem was mine, not hers)

 

She is right. This IS your problem. I don't care what lame excuse you could come up with to insinuate what you did is in any way her fault.

 

you cheated, your problem

 

As far as counseling for her, I think she needs it to help cope with what you did to her if she so desires to keep you for god knows whatever reason.

 

 

and remains bitter to the situation.

 

are you blaming her for that?

 

 

Please help.....what do I say or do? How do I talk my wife into marriage counseling? Should I give her space? - we're already distant and having been intimate (even hugged or kissed) in over a year.......wouldn't that separate us farther? I genuinely love my wife

 

If you did, you wouldn't have cheated on her. I don't see the genuine love while you are boffing another woman.

 

 

learned my lesson and live with new values in life. In addition, I've learned to love without being loved in return.

 

 

Trying to get us to feel sorry for you here?

 

 

Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person.

 

 

The way you embrace her, aside from any advice anyone else can give you here, is to give her all the time in the world she needs to come to terms with what you did to her. If it takes 5 months or 5 years, you will be patient with her. Because while you want this to possibly fast track to reconciliation, the truth is you have scarred her for life. The pain of the scar can go away, but what you did to her will remain there til the day she dies. She'll never forget.

 

So you will have to be patient. And if you aren't willing to wait as long as it takes, then drop the words that you love her, and get a divorce.

[BlueHarvest]

I'm just going to intervene. I have no personal experience nor advice for the OP. I'm sorry.

 

However Dexter, your advice is hardly advice.

 

Your VERY last sentance belies that you are indeed here to help. And in fact we all are. Constructive criticism is the only acceptable posting behavior here on Loveshack. While we all get heated about things that may be similar to our own situations we are all reminded that we were once like these people. And both sides deserve the same amount of respect.

 

Instead of attacking his every statement, perhaps you could at least provide him with some sort of moral support to which he can then use as sort of a pillar to which he can gain renewed conviction to wait for his wife to heal.

 

Destructive criticism is intended to harm someone, derogate and destroy someone’s creation, prestige, reputation and self-esteem on whatever level it might be. This may be done intentionally or out of sheer ignorance and foolishness. Hence the word destructive is used. In practical life destructive criticism may be disguised as constructive to be more painful while harming. Valid examination of intention of critic is when asked to prove, to help or to be somewhat useful at all. Often destructive criticism comes from persons who are envious, cruel and those who judge in fields which are not their own.

An alternative definition of the difference is "Criticism by me is constructive. Criticism of me is destructive." More usefully, whether criticism is constructive or destructive depends heavily on the use the listener makes of it. "Whether the critic meant to be constructive or destructive in pointing out that "2+2 does not equal 7" is not nearly as important as whether the person addressed corrects his arithmetic. Many of the common definitions of "constructive" and "destructive" border on logical fallacies: here the given definition of "constructive" is very close to argument from authority, and the definition of "destructive" makes it easy to fall into argumenet, ad hominem.

 

Please note the underlined. Thanks!

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm just going to intervene. I have no personal experience nor advice for the OP. I'm sorry.

 

However Dexter, your advice is hardly advice.

 

Sure it is. When someone is trying to guilt trip a betrayed spouse into staying with them by making them think if they divorce she isn't a good mother to her kids, then you bet I'm going to call him out on that. Maybe, just maybe, he'll think about what he is doing and quit putting the burden on her to keep the family intact.

 

I told him that she is going to be carrying this scar that he put on her from now til the day she dies, so he needs to be patient, and if it takes a lifetime, then so be it.

 

but if she decides to divorce him, he has nothing to say with regards of denying her kids this "gift" he wants them all to have. That was his doing, not hers.

 

He is looking at this from the standpoint that if she doesn't want to be with him, that the failure of the family THEN becomes HER fault. Its called gaslighting.

 

And just what would I have to be envious about in his situation?(referring to your underlined text).

 

The last thing I'd be envious about is that I might want to be like him and hurt someone I would claim to love in one of the worst ways possible.

[lamaman3]

Sure it is. When someone is trying to guilt trip a betrayed spouse into staying with them by making them think if they divorce she isn't a good mother to her kids, then you bet I'm going to call him out on that. Maybe, just maybe, he'll think about what he is doing and quit putting the burden on her to keep the family intact.

 

I told him that she is going to be carrying this scar that he put on her from now til the day she dies, so he needs to be patient, and if it takes a lifetime, then so be it.

 

but if she decides to divorce him, he has nothing to say with regards of denying her kids this "gift" he wants them all to have. That was his doing, not hers.

 

He is looking at this from the standpoint that if she doesn't want to be with him, that the failure of the family THEN becomes HER fault. Its called gaslighting.

 

And just what would I have to be envious about in his situation?(referring to your underlined text).

 

The last thing I'd be envious about is that I might want to be like him and hurt someone I would claim to love in one of the worst ways possible.

 

I don't think you should be commenting on issues of marriage and children unless you either are or have been married with children. Its easy for Dextor Morgan to say "You had an affair and so your wife should divorce you regardless of ANY of the consequences to your family or children." Do you have any idea what it is like to have children and be responsible for their well-being? Do you have any idea of the extremely large percentage of marriages, whose spouses dont particularly like each other and arent very nice to each other but stay together so the children can grow up with an intact family and a 2 parent home and not be subjected to all the behavioral problems that are associated with children who have to witness a divorce. Of course they "should" divorce in your perfect world, damn the kids - but they dont because they put the lives of their kids first - something you cant possibly understand if you dont have children of your own.

 

And yes its true - that the OP certainly did not put his kids first when he had an affair - but he made a mistake and hes facing the consequences right now - but like anyone else who makes a mistake and is facing the consequences - he is entitled to feel remorseful and to try his best to make it better - telling him he has no right to try to make the best of the situation moving forward is no only unconstructive but destructive. His wife will make the decision - and hes entitled to do everything he can to keep his family together - sometimes loving someone dosent only equal pledging to never let anyone else near ur genitals - sometimes it means loving them even when they royally screw up.

[Mahatma]

This is not a game, you do not "win" her back.

 

You f*cked up. Now suffer the consequences. Move on. Treat her and the kids well when you see them. If she sees you have changed, maybe then you will reunite. Right now, though, you are still in the completely wrong mode.

 

I personally have a zero tolerance for cheating. If I was married and my wife cheated on me with some other guy, that would be it for our relationship... and the other guy's penis (if he was aware that she was married).

[soserious1]

I don't think you should be commenting on issues of marriage and children unless you either are or have been married with children. Its easy for Dextor Morgan to say "You had an affair and so your wife should divorce you regardless of ANY of the consequences to your family or children." Do you have any idea what it is like to have children and be responsible for their well-being? Do you have any idea of the extremely large percentage of marriages, whose spouses dont particularly like each other and arent very nice to each other but stay together so the children can grow up with an intact family and a 2 parent home and not be subjected to all the behavioral problems that are associated with children who have to witness a divorce. Of course they "should" divorce in your perfect world, damn the kids - but they dont because they put the lives of their kids first - something you cant possibly understand if you dont have children of your own.

 

And yes its true - that the OP certainly did not put his kids first when he had an affair - but he made a mistake and hes facing the consequences right now - but like anyone else who makes a mistake and is facing the consequences - he is entitled to feel remorseful and to try his best to make it better - telling him he has no right to try to make the best of the situation moving forward is no only unconstructive but destructive. His wife will make the decision - and hes entitled to do everything he can to keep his family together - sometimes loving someone dosent only equal pledging to never let anyone else near ur genitals - sometimes it means loving them even when they royally screw up.

 

 

Well this guy royally screwed up and his wife has decided that she doesn't want him anywhere near her genitals.. which is imho totally within her right.

 

He's not entitled to sex, hot and on the half shell from his wife simply because he's decided he's sorry for cheating on her thru out their entire marriage with multiple women.

[manugeorge]

There is nothing you can do to MAKE her look at you in a favorable llight except give her time, space and show her that you have actually changed and not just giving lip service to win her back.

 

You made your bed, you suck it up and lie in it like a good boy. Most people who f**cked up and are remorseful will tell you that it doesn't mean you escape the punishment. You still suffer the consequences but hopefully it will help you realize your faults and make you a better person.

 

You need to very quickly make patience and time your best friends. And hope that one day, she will grow to see you in a different light.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think you should be commenting on issues of marriage and children unless you either are or have been married with children. Its easy for Dextor Morgan to say "You had an affair and so your wife should divorce you regardless of ANY of the consequences to your family or children." Do you have any idea what it is like to have children and be responsible for their well-being?

 

Uh, yes, I do. have been married, have kids, and divorced a cheating wife.

 

So I am not understanding the questioning here.

 

 

 

Of course they "should" divorce in your perfect world, damn the kids

 

Its not "damning" the kids because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a cheater.

 

 

but they dont because they put the lives of their kids first - something you cant possibly understand if you dont have children of your own.

 

Once again, i do. And it is the cheater that doesn't put the kids first. its as if you are wanting the BS to stay with a cheater for the rest of their lives just for the kids. I can tell you, as someone who was married and has kids that staying for the kids is the WRONG reason if you truly want the cheater out of your sight. What kind of life for the kids is it to see mom and dad fighting all the time?

 

 

And yes its true - that the OP certainly did not put his kids first when he had an affair - but he made a mistake and hes facing the consequences right now

 

Yes, but he is guilt tripping her into thinking, by what he told her, that if she ends up not wanting him, that the destruction of the family will then be her fault.

 

 

but like anyone else who makes a mistake and is facing the consequences - he is entitled to feel remorseful and to try his best to make it better

 

sure he is, thats why I said the only thing he can really do is give her time, and its gonna take ALOT of it.

 

 

telling him he has no right to try to make the best of the situation moving forward is no only unconstructive but destructive.

 

show me where I said he had no right to try to make the best of it? i don't believe I said that. I told him he has to give her time.

 

 

His wife will make the decision - and hes entitled to do everything he can to keep his family together - sometimes loving someone dosent only equal pledging to never let anyone else near ur genitals

 

thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

 

 

sometimes it means loving them even when they royally screw up.

 

 

Ok then, fair enough on that last point. So with that in mind, I'd like to know from Saddened Husband, what would you do now if the following happened:

 

 

Wife makes you stay home with the kids so she can go out and let her hair down, seek the support of her girlfriends, go to clubs drinking to get her mind off of what you did, and then a two months later confesses that she went out and had her own affair because of the low self-esteem you left her with........what would you do? And don't say you'd immediately forgive her because easier said than done if it actually hasn't happened. Imagine your wife with her legs wrapped around another man and enjoying it. What would you do?

[Aquamarisa]

First of all, I think that some of the people on this forum need to get over their sad and pathetic bull**** and stop wasting poster's time. It's too bad that you got cheated on and if you want to work through your issues on it, then post about your own experiences. Maybe someone can help you work through your issues. However, it's rude and selfish to project your own issues into another person's situation.

 

Saddened Husband,

 

I've never been married and I don't have any kids so I can't offer you too much advice, but I'll try. When I was cheated on, at first, almost nothing that my boyfriend did made me feel better. I lost confidence in him, myself, and our relationship and I would constantly question why I was staying with a man who could betray me. It was humiliating and one of the most depressing experiences I have had. Probably for a year, it really killed me to think of it but it doesn't bother me anymore because I worked out the feelings I had by learning to accept my boyfriend's mistake, as a mistake. I ended up staying with my boyfriend for two years after he cheated, and I don't regret that decision at all. Ultimately, he is a nice guy who messed up our relationship for awhile and hurt my feelings, but in the end, the cheating didn't make a difference.

 

I don't think that there is any timetable or trick (other than being a good husband, which you have to be anyway). She will either forgive you and accept what has happened or she won't be able to. I doubt that there is much you can do to help her along in this.

 

My one suggestion, if you can afford it, is to try to spend some significant time with her alone. I think it is probably difficult for her to put up an appearance of happiness all the time for your children and her family when she is going through a very painful time. Aside from that, it will give you both time to think about your relationship and what is best for your children.

[sandrawg]

Saddened husband, are you and your wife in counseling now?

 

Cheating is the hardest thing to work through in a relationship. Most rel'ships do NOT survive it. It takes a HUGE amount of effort on both parties' part.

 

I have never cheated. I don't THINK I've ever been cheated on. But I can imagine how devastating it must be for your wife. It's a massive violation of trust. You need a specialist's help-someone who is well-versed in dealing with trust issues in a relationship and how to rebuild it.

[samsungxoxo]

First of all, I think that some of the people on this forum need to get over their sad and pathetic bull**** and stop wasting poster's time. It's too bad that you got cheated on and if you want to work through your issues on it, then post about your own experiences. Maybe someone can help you work through your issues. However, it's rude and selfish to project your own issues into another person's situation.

 

Yes enough is enough already. The poster is asking for help for Pete's sake not how should they be rated as a person nor how devastating cheating is, they are here asking what they can do to amend their error, not to listen to your sad stories nor what would you do if you got cheated on, it's pointless. Plus it's annoying downloading every single sentence they say and insult it, it's clearly understood he stated there was no excuse for what he did, yet to repeat it again, wow talk about wasting the poster's time and patience.

[Narf]

Dexter had very good points as far as i can see it... He was making the OP think again and understand again why what he did was wrong and also showed that what he was saying to his wife about the "gift" of a family is just adding pressure to her... Maybe it was a little harsh in delivery but surely a cheater cant come on to a forum such as this and expect people not to send some bitterness there way... Can a cheater truely understand what it feels like to be cheated on, if it has never happened to them?? To be reminded of what damage has been done might help them understand or remember that there is no quick fix...

 

To the OP... Nothing you can do really but what other posters suggested, be there for her, answer her questions, dont put pressure by saying if she ends it she is destroying the family...

Now it is her time to do what she wants, either you stay by her and prove yourself or you leave.

[samsungxoxo]

Can a cheater truely understand what it feels like to be cheated on, if it has never happened to them?? To be reminded of what damage has been done might help them understand or remember that there is no quick fix...

 

True but there's always 2 sides of the story, the one affected by the cheating and the one who did it. You only one side of the story appears on the forum then focus on that one and not diverse emotions to the other person not in the story.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter had very good points as far as i can see it... He was making the OP think again and understand again why what he did was wrong and also showed that what he was saying to his wife about the "gift" of a family is just adding pressure to her... Maybe it was a little harsh in delivery but surely a cheater cant come on to a forum such as this and expect people not to send some bitterness there way... Can a cheater truely understand what it feels like to be cheated on, if it has never happened to them?? To be reminded of what damage has been done might help them understand or remember that there is no quick fix...

 

that and the issue that wasn't addressed.....the issue of SH trying to make his wife feel that if she didn't want the marriage any longer that she would then be responsible for destroying the family.

[bustertypsy]

By far the best advice in this thread is from Dexter.True,we are not here to put people down when they did something wrong,but we are definately not here to support them when they cheated,and want to apportion blame.

 

I would rather leave this site,than try to console a cheater.Ok,I'm not here to twist the knife,but when he thinks he is being hard done by,by his partner because he cheated on her,then that's where the buck stops.I'll add no more