Complicated First Love

[Lexi008]

Hello everyone, I'm Lexi and I'm new here and I just wanted to get some things off of my chest. I'm nineteen-years-old and I've just fallen in love for the first time . The problem is that he's going to college back home and I've practically moved cross-country for school. Sorry if it starts to get a little long, but I want to start from the beginning and get EVERYTHING out lol

 

Well, we met junior year in high school, and were more just acquaintances than friends. We started to hang out more my senior year because we have the same friends, but it wasn't until towards graduation that I really started to notice Austin. He had a gf already, and I'm not the type to tramp on another girl's territory lol, so I just stuck to hanging with him whenever I was with our friends. Then after graduation he started a new job that had him working at 6am in the morning, and he just started texting me ALL THE TIME; he called himself my personal alarm clock. We started hanging out practically everyday over the summer.

 

Then about a month into summer his gf of eight months shows up at his house and breaks up with him, and I was secretly glad of course, but at the same time I had to try and help him through the break-up. Things between us stayed the same for awhile; kind of that awkward stage when you don't know if you should make the first move or not because you're worried about being rejected. Finally I told him that I like him, just plain old said it over the telephone (not the best way I know), and he said that he liked me to and the reason he hadn't made a move was because he was convinced I'd slap him lol. After that there was only a slight change, like we'd always find a way to sit by each other when we were with friends, we'd sit close so our bodies were touching, etc. He would send me texts right after I left his house about the move he was attempting to make on me while I was over, but either didn't have the chance or just didn't do it (I don't know why but he'd like that, still, he's never the one to make the first move).

 

Anyway, the summer ended and I had to leave MN to go to the Ringling College of Art and Design here in FL, while he stayed to go to school in MN. The night before I left was our first kiss. Hell, it was actually MY first kiss, real kiss that is. It was fantastic and depressing at the same time, the perfect goodbye I guess... We stayed in contact all of last semester, texting, calling, IM-ing, and all that jazz. Some of the conversations we had got really heated , while others were more emotional.

 

Then out of the blue he started asking me if I would be mad if he actually became another girl's bf and things along those lines, which immediantly made me suspect there's a girl back at home he likes. He also told me that the only reason that he hasn't asked me to date him is because I'm away at college. I can sort of understand why he wouldn't want to date me when I'm so far away, he told me once that he's scared the college life would rip us apart, but at the same time it makes me feel like he doesn't want to put in the effort.

 

A few days later I got this email:

 

"so i dont know how to start this, so im just going to do it, there is a girl that likes me, im not entirely sure for how long, but she does. i am not going to lie, i like her a little back and im curious to see where it goes. im telling you this because i want to be completely honest with you i dont want to keep anything from you. i want you to know that i have not stopped thinking about you and when i have been around this girl with her knowledge i have been thinking of you the entire time, i cant stop thinking about you when i hang with females i think of you, i love what we have and i want it to last for at least 600 years...at least lol. but what i dont want is for you to feel cheated or hurt or offended or depressed or left behind or anything, because then i will be drepressed for ever. dont want that i want you to be happy and loving life, nothing will change between us i dont want us to be distanced because of me dating girls thats stupid for me to be distanced from other girls, so i wont let it happen ever i care about you more than most people and i jsut want you to know that

 

with all the love one person can give to another

 

Austin"

 

I wasn't sure how to handle that, still don't really. I mean, how could I not be hurt about him dating other women? Anyway, I thanked him for being honest with me and things stayed pretty much the same. He'd still text me little random love texts, which I'd get after class and just make me beam the rest of the day During one of our conversations he told me that, and I quote, "you don't realize how much I care about you. I love everything about you." Being a girl that just pinched my heart and made me all teary-eyed lol

 

I had a month off for winter break, basically all of December and I got back to school about a week ago. During that break I didn't get that much time with Austin. I hung out with all of my close friends every day the first week, including Austin. That's when I noticed that something was off; he was completely ignoring me. He never talked to me when we were with friends, never sat near me, and hardly even looked at me. That hurt so much. But after I left he'd text me non-stop, like everything was fine. After that went on for a week I had enough because I didn't want to only have a texting relationship with him, so I confronted him and asked him if he still like me at all. He said his feeling hadn't changed and he kissed me. After I had recovered control of my legs again , I asked him why he had ignored me, which he then told me that he didn't want us to act like a couple in front of our friends. I had to convince him that he didn't need to COMPLETELY ignore me then, friends still talk to each other, duh!

 

The break went on, we would hang with our friends, me getting more and more frustrated by the day. I mean, I had waited almost four months to see him again, and then when I get to we don't get any time to ourselves. I respected that he didn't want to act like a couple in front of our friends even though I didn't understand it. All I keep thinking is that it's because he might end up dating other girls at some point. I decided that I was just going to act on my emotions anyway because I didn't have much time before I had to go back to school, and I wanted to make the most of it.

 

We did end up spending alone time together; had some heavy make-out sessions that had my toes curling and we did some other dirty deeds that are more private When is came time for me to leave MN and go back to school... I almost had a breakdown. He was there to help me through it; holding me close, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, and whispering how everything would be okay. He told me that I'm strong and that I can make it another four months, that all of my friends would be there waiting for me, but what I never got a chance to ask was, "will you be waiting here for me?" On a side note, I still don't know about that other girl he mentioned in the email. Right now my biggest fear is that he finds a gf and I have to see them together when I come home for the summer.

 

I love him. I've never felt like this before, and it makes me infinitely happy and depressed at the same time. I can't say his name without even a small smile on my face lol. I'm completely smitten! And if you're still here with me, then thank you for reading my dilemma. Any questions, insights or advise is welcome of course!

[TMichaels]

Lexi008,

 

Welcome to LS!

 

Just a few questions for you...

 

How many other bf/gf relationships has Austin had?

 

Why did he and his previous g/f break up?

 

When you were home over Xmas break, did you happen to ask any of your mutual friends what Austin had been up to -- i.e. whether he was seeing anyone else?

 

Have you ever just come out and asked him what he wants out of your relationship? IOW, where do you fit?

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Island Girl]

Hi Lexi

 

well, when he said he wanted a break it would have been the perfect opportunity to say "all or nothing" and allow him to really miss you.

 

As it is unfortunately he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to do whatever he wants with regards to meeting and dating other women but he knows you are still there...waiting.

 

Believe me he can tell that you are stuck on him. And that just gives him all of the decision making and power as fas as the relationship goes.

 

You do have a say so as well. But you have just let him dictate the parameters of how you see each other. You are accepting scraps when you deserve the entire four course meal. I hope that translates.

 

Many guys pull this kind of crap. They know they have a good girl but they can't help thinking the grass is greener and they want to hook up with other women whenever they want. So they'll say all of that "I never want us to change" bullsh*t when in the same paragraph they are making a decision to do exactly that - change the relationship.

 

The best thing you can do is cut him off and let him experience missing you and wondering what you are up to. If you are meeting other guys or have found someone else. Let him squirm the way you are right now!

 

I know you aren't going to love this advice. But it is the truth. And it really is the only course of action you have to possibly get him back in a committed relationship.

 

He is being extremely unfair to you but he has you so twisted that you can't see it.

 

You deserve someone who wants you and only you. Who thinks and cares about you the same way you do. Someone who can commit to you and only you. It is up to you to make the decision not to settle - No Matter Who It Is.

[Lexi008]

To answer your questions TMichaels, Austin has had three other girlfriends, one of which is actually a good friend of mine. His last gf broke up with him out of the blue because she said she wasn't interested anymore, that she just lost interest in him. And no, I didn't actually ask any of my friends, I wish I would have thought of that lol but I'm pretty sure my other guy friends that I'm really close to would have brought up if he was seeing anyone in conversation. I guess it is time to ask what he wants out of our relationship. I just don't want to have to ask him over the phone or through an email... but I'll probably have to settle for that cause it's all I have.

 

Island Girl - I actually haven't talked to him or made any contact for about two days now, and I'm starting to get messages from him. You're right though lol I don't want to hear it, but I need to. I HAVE settled for scraps and whatever I can get, and I'm definitely mad at myself for settling with that.

[TMichaels]

That's when I noticed that something was off; he was completely ignoring me. He never talked to me when we were with friends, never sat near me, and hardly even looked at me. That hurt so much. But after I left he'd text me non-stop, like everything was fine. After that went on for a week I had enough because I didn't want to only have a texting relationship with him, so I confronted him and asked him if he still like me at all. He said his feeling hadn't changed and he kissed me. After I had recovered control of my legs again, I asked him why he had ignored me, which he then told me that he didn't want us to act like a couple in front of our friends. I had to convince him that he didn't need to COMPLETELY ignore me then, friends still talk to each other, duh!

 

The break went on, we would hang with our friends, me getting more and more frustrated by the day. I mean, I had waited almost four months to see him again, and then when I get to we don't get any time to ourselves. I respected that he didn't want to act like a couple in front of our friends even though I didn't understand it.

 

That makes two of us Lexi008. Either he is incredibly immature ('cause this is the kind of silly stuff kids do in jr. high/high school), or he's hiding something (in terms of not wanting others to know to whom his heart belongs).

 

Either way, I can imagine how "insignificant" his behavior makes you feel around your friends. And, I also understand how confused you are by his "schizo" behavior -- i.e. he's more than willing to gush over in an indirect/impersonal way via text, in private, etc. but acts like you're a complete stranger when in public and/or in front of his friends.

 

Right now, he has all the power and is playing you like a marionette. I agree with Island Girl that you should "cool it" and see if he steps up to the plate. Absolutely no reason for you to be disrespected as you have been and he needs to understand you're not a toy he can play with or toss aside whenever he likes.

 

 

HTH,

TMichaels