TooShyToSayHi Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hi everyone, nice to meet you all. I hope someone out there can shed a little light on my situation, as it's causing me a lot of stress. Let me briefly give you some background. I'm in my late 20s and he is in his mid 50s (I'm male as well.) The age thing is not a problem as far as I'm aware, but he gives me those dreaded "mixed signals" when we see each other. We are casual friends, but have shared some personal information with each other, but the friendship has not had a chance to go very deep. He displays nearly all the signs that he may share my romantic feelings for him...yet he also has the telltale signs of NOT feeling that way. Let me explain: Within a month of us meeting (we know each other through a volunteer organization, of which he is a leader) he began greeting me with hugs instead of handshakes. When we converse, he asks me lots of questions about my life and ALWAYS maintains COMPLETE eye contact. He will occasionally find reason to touch my arm, or lay his hand on my back while we are talking. We've only met socially once (though through our group we see each other at least once a week), when we both ended up being at the same party (neither of us knowing the other would be there), and despite knowing everyone in the room, he chose to sit at my table, and I noticed him looking at me a few times. Later in the evening we were talking and he started rubbing my shoulders. That felt really nice, and very natural. It didn't feel like a come on, but genuine affection. Sounds promising, right? Well, there's also signs that he's NOT interested in me. We had tentatively made plans to have a meal to discuss a piece of music he suggested to me, but nearly two months has gone by and he's not been able to find the time. He does mention it when we see each other (without prompting from me) so I guess he's not trying to get out of it, but I do wonder why he seems to be dragging his feet. Also, when he suggested that piece of music to me, I suggested getting together to discuss it, and he agreed without hesitation. Also, sometimes when we meet I merely get a handshake, or sometimes just a nod and a smile, rather than the hugs I usually get from him. On one occasion he didn't say anything to me at all, or even acknowlege me, we only spoke because I said hello as he was leaving. Also, he has my email address and telephone number and has never used either, whether it be to talk about the music we discussed or to ask me out. It just seems like some days he's really happy to see me, others I feel like part of the furniture. I try to stay positive about all the "he likes me" signs, but I can't help feeling sad about the others as I really like him, and would at least like to get to know him better. I can't call him, as he has not given me his number, and I worry that if I bug him we won't even get together as friends as we had planned. Also, it would not be appropriate to ask him out at our group, which is why I want our "discussion lunch" to happen so I can ask him out. As I said, I don't know if the age difference matters to him, it certainly doesn't to me, or if he feels since he's one of the leaders of the organization he must keep a certain distance. I just don't know how to read him. I get the impression he has had a difficult few years, but I don't know if that would stop him from exploring new friendships (or romances.) So, if you've made it this far (I know, it was a LONG post!) what do you make of it? Do the "he likes me" signs sound promising? Do the "he doesn't like me" signs spell doom? I don't know if he's really pulling away from me lately, or if it's my imagination. I'm confused, and I know it's hard for people who cannot witness us interact to be objective, but this is my last shot. I'm close to giving up on him as a potential dating partner, but I want to give it a chance, because I feel very drawn to him. Let me assure you, this is not a puppy love crush. I'm an adult, he's an adult, and I have plenty of relationship experience. These feelings are genuine. It's not "love" as we don't know each other very well yet, but I do feel great fondness and affection for him. Any serious advice most sincerely appreciated! Regards, Billy, 28, NYC Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 TooShy First of all I would like to apologise to on behalf of the overwhelming majority of contributors to LS for the pathetic, immature response you have received from somebody here. I am glad to say that is not typical behaviour on this site and it has been reported. As to your situation, it does sound as if he is confused and I also think you have realised why with the age difference possibly being of concern to him plus he is in charge of the voluntary organisation so may be trying to keep some distance because of that too. Would he get into trouble for having a personal relationship with somebody else involved in the organisation? How about suggesting going for coffee or something simple like that so it's not as full on as dinner? That might seem like less of a big step if he is genuinely interested and is trying to hold back. However I think if he does not respond to that positively then it may be that you have to give up on this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TooShyToSayHi Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks for your response Anne, Funny you should mention that, our lunch has been morphed into coffee, at least he said "coffee" last time we spoke. I've done some checking and there is no rule against he and I dating, though it seems that it would be more appropriate for me to approach him than vice versa. Something else has happened since I wrote my original post which has me more confused. I saw him (at our group) a couple days ago and he seemed very pleased to see me, got a great hug out of it. However, I asked him if we'd be getting together to discuss that album soon, and he said he was still listening to it, going through it and digesting it, as it had been a long time since he had listened to it. I don't know how to take that, it seems like an excuse, but at the same time could be perfectly genuine. He did say that he promises we will get together "soon." I don't know what else he has going on in his life, but nearly 2 months is quite a while to spend on one recording! It's appearing that meeting with me is not a priority for him. Though, he might not have any idea how I feel about him. Or, perhaps he's simply written off getting involved because of our age difference. I have no idea what to think now. Maybe he just simply doesn't find me at all attractive. It's quite obvious he cares for me, in a platonic way, but anything beyond that is still a mystery. I know he's single, so that's not the issue. We *might* be getting together next weekend for our discussion over coffee, but it's not definite. I'm certainly not looking forward to waiting through yet another week. Thanks for your advice, if you think of anything else, let me know! Have a great day! Billy Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Could he be married ? Well ...committed to someone else ? He seems to run hot and cold. The part where he almost ignores you is strange if he wants this to go further. Sometimes he's rubbing on you and hugging you and others barely a handshake ? Could he be overly affectionate ? Bi~polar ? Where do you see this going ? Is he all business ? No play ?? Link to post Share on other sites
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