My Story

[toddro]

First let me preface this by saying "anyone who thinks Divorce is easy for the man is nuts"

 

I am a emotional wreck right now, My "wife" and I have been seperated ( Broke up) for almost three weks now. How we got here is a mystery...

 

She and I met eight years ago and immediatly fell for each other, from the first day we spent together we never spen another for eight years without speaking to one another. We were closer than any other two people could possibly be, may be too close.

 

I came from broken homes, foster care and such and never had a stable childhood. I feel like I have coped and adjusted to that well in my adult life and have always craved a secure home life with something I knew would never die, my mother abandoned me twice...the one who gave birth to me and the one who adopted me so I know I have issues there.

 

She grew up Bradey Bunch, Mom and Dad were high school sweet hearts and everything was always perfect.

 

We have three children together ages 7,6 and 3. I have been married once before and she had been married twice.

 

She has always had plutonic friendships with guys throughout our marrige.. I never objected because I always felt secure in the fact that she loved me. She does not get along well with most other females.

 

I am going to ramble a little here so bear with me, the how and why she ran to another man is a story of the last two years. But it hapened never the less and I am beside myself. I have lost my Lover, My Best Friend and the Mother of my Children. This is the jest of it, I was ( am) more in love with this person than any other person I have ever loved ( save my children) in my entire life, I was closer to her, open to her and honest with her more than anyone...I helped deliver our children with my own own hands, I fell like our souls were one. And now like a light switch that has been turned off. She was my angel on earth just for me.

 

How the hell do I move on?

[Geishawhelk]

You don't.

 

Not yet.

You have to give yourself time to adjust amd to accept.

Don't lose sight of what you need to do in a practical sense, and get things straightened out.

 

You need to take legal advice and consult a lawyer/solicitor about what your rights are, and what hers are.

 

You need to get papers drawn up and present them to her.

 

All this time, you must make sure that in all these issues, your mind rules your head (logic, reason, business). NOT your heart.

 

The moment you get all emotional about law, it falls to pieces.

 

You need to establish and maintain regular and positve contact with your children.

You have to make sure their praactical needs are met, as well as thei emotional needs.

 

Then, when all the dust selttles, you can think about moving on.

[skinman]

toddro,

 

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through... You have come to the right place to seek support and maybe some answer to your questions. I can tell you from experience being where you were 2 months ago it does get easier. You may not see that right now but it does. I was like you a wreck of a man when my wife of 16 years asked me to move out.. It all happened so fast that your head is spinning.. I have been there. Best advice is look after yourself now.. She has made her decision and you need to do whats best for you and your children.. It Will get better. My thoughts are with you keep reading these threads and keep posting there are people on here who have been through just what we are going through and will offer great advice.. Be strong and know we are pulling for you.

 

Skinman...

[BusterBrown]

toddro, I feel for you. Your story looks like it was cut from the template that everyone else's separation follows, including mine. The kids involved make things 10x harder on your emotions, I'm sure.

 

I see you've been married once before? How did you cope with that one? Surely you've learned a thing or two from that event.

 

Over time it will get easier. But right now allow yourself to be a wreck. Your going to feel that way anyways, so just go ahead and try to get all of that misery out of your system. When you are alone cry, shout, talk to yourself, do whatever you have to do. The miserable emotions can only be expected in a situation like this. And if you bottle them up, you will only explode later on and really have a nervous breakdown.

 

One thing I'm learning is to not let this change you into a lesser man. Let this be a learning experience. Keep on living your life the way it was before she left. I'm guessing you were probably happy with your life since her leaving came as a shock to you. Whatever hobbies and interests you had before, don't quit them. Pursue new ones. Work on you. Because she's gone. And she's not going to help you. Guess what she's doing right now? Working on her.

[toddro]

Here are some more details:

 

The Logical right brain stuff:

 

1. We are still living in our home, she was fired from her job and has no income. Im paying all the bills and supporting the family, including her. I work night shift so I sleep during half the day, she spends all day at his house and up untill a few days ago he would come over to our house at night. I had a fit about this and she promised it would not happen again, but who knows what goes on while I am at work 10 hours a night.

 

2. All my Bills are two months in the red, up untill three weeks ago she was in charge of my paychecks, it was easier because I sleep during the day. I have since taken back over on the bills.

 

3. Thie guy has a rap sheet a mile long and no job which allows him to spend all his time with her and my kids.

 

The left brain stuff:

 

They have known each other three months. That was about the same time she began having health problems which made sex painful. So we did not do it much at all, yet now that we have broke up she is like a 17 year old boy in heat. These two go at it almost daily.

 

He is around my kids more than I am because I have to work 50 hours a week and have to sleep during part of the day.

 

Crap gotta go more to come

[seibert253]

You need to hire an attorney and get temporary custody of your kids. Should be fairly easy if she's shacking up with a convicted felon. If she's staying at the other's guys residence, make it perminent. Pack her thinks, put them outside, change the locks, and tell her to come get her things. Withdrawl all monies from your bank accounts, close them, then open up a simple checking account in your name only.

She's seeing another guy, but still stays at your house, OH NO MY FRIEND. She needs to be shown you're not a doormat, and you mean business.

[lkjh]

Do not be nice about this. Hire a attorney and make her work. Tell her to get a job now or ask the OM for money

[Nozz]

Sorry to hear about your pain man. I tell you what I am going through the same thing, story is a little differnt. But you get the drift. I tell you what it's going to be so dam hard for a while. My wife left me and the kids 2 months ago.

 

I still see her every now and then when she takes them for the weekend. It is so hard. She is having an affair which makes it even more difficult. Oh and now nice it is that my kids have already met the jack$$$.

 

But I am staying strong, I went ALFHA-MALE of her a$$. Get some good sleep bro and workout as much as you can. DON'T talk to her unless she calls. don't beg or get needy. She will just think your weak.

 

It gets a little better in time. At night is the worst for me, in bed alone. Home without her while shes out there messing with some other dude. I try not to think about it. I try to erase her from my brain. She is not worth it!

 

Workout and watch movies, do things without her butt! In time you will be able to let go of the pain. But it takes time. Stay strong buddy we are here with you.

[toddro]

Thank You Everyone:

 

More Notes:

 

Conversation bullet points I had with this jackass the other day after I came home and saw a huge oil slick in my driveway. Knew where it came from so I called her and told her I did not want this guy in my house when I was at work at night, of course I got the " Oh my god, dont be such a phsyco...he just slept on the couch bull****" Whatever, I dont care so I called her up that morning and said " Do not bring this guy in to my house again for any reason"

 

He has the nerve to get on the phone and say that he was invited and that he has earned the right to be in my house, that he has done so much with my kids. What!? Dude you have only be around for three months! I tell him that this is not a penis measuring contest, that I still care for her and the fact that we have three children together and how we share that bond...basicly trying to be straight up with the guy and not pull a power play. He says that doesn't mean ****, even cockroaches have kids and that I cant pull that chip with him. Guy is an arrogant ass let me tell you. Says him and I must establish a repore' because its best for the kids. Who the hell does this guy think he is!

 

Well, finally he and I agree that from here on out we will stay away from each others house...as if he had one. But anyway, so today this is what happened:

 

I have been pretty much cold to her since then, she calls this morning and says what are you doing? I say driing home from work, I work night shift. She says " You want some breakfast, Im cooking" Im like "Who the hell is this?' I say no I have to go pay some bills, she calls back three times and says she needs some cigs and that she can go pay the bills because she knows I am tired from working so much and that "we" also need groceries.

 

Im thinking what the hell do you care, its Friday and your about to dissapear for three days while I am off work. So basicly I say no, I will pay the bills and give you cash for the groceries. So she goes and buys the groceries, takes them over to his house, uses some of them to make a pot of Chilli and brings the rest home...but not in time for me to enjoy any since I had to leave for work right as she pulls up. At least she did spend the money on groceries though.

 

And then tonight she refers to a business matter we have and uses the term "we" and "us" a few times. What we? What us?

 

Why the hell do people play these stupid games!!?

[mark982]

do not, repeat do not give her $$$ for any reason!! takes your money and feeds that bum. hide your checkbook, hell i'd make sure she didn't open new charge cards in your name, as it seems they have no money of their own.

[peteyj]

It sucks.. Sounds similar to a lot of people's stories, including mine, except I don't have any kids....It's hard cause you probably hate her at this point but still have feelings for her and care about her...It sucks how they do whatever the hell they want and then expect you to still support them... It's like they don't have a clue that they threw away however many years of a marriage, relationship, friendship, and so on... Doesn't matter why they did it, they did...As they say actions speak louder than words.. I wish I could tell you to just kick her out and go from there...But it's never just that easy even if you wanted to kick her out....I spoke to a lawyer in California and if I kicked my soon to be ex-wife out she could turn around and say I'm the one who ended the relationship and she could lie and say she wanted to make things work blah blah...All just to play a game to get alimoney...And for me that's the major issue cause of the lifestyle we've lived...You have kids so it might be even more difficult....And half these states cater to the women even if the women is the one sleeping around and screwing things up...

 

 

The only thing I can tell you is get the divorce papers signed, try to throw her out without any problems but if there are problems...just live with it until the divorce is final....Good luck...

[Iamagreatdad]

You should also ask an attorney about a TRO on the other guy. If he is a threat to you or your family it will be rubber stamped. Than if he goes anywhere near the house it's off to jail. Don't wait on that. Not only is it horrible what he is doing, but it is dangerous. If you are tired and he is there it could get ugly and one of you could get hurt and/or in serious criminal trouble. Get the court to issue a TRO, the police take those very seriously in DR cases.

[Gunny376]

Kudo's on doing some serious "Alpha-maling up. Forget the POS she's running around with. The guys a freaking loser.

 

Although I've spent many a coin on many a book to this very freaking day I still do not know why women "trade-down" from what they had in a husband to low-life POS that hasn't even a job or a car?

 

I'm serious! WTF ~ OVER!

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch where GrandMa is fighting off the Indians .......................don't go beating yourself up, and letting your self esteem slide. Its so seriously not about what you did or didn't do in the marriage?

 

Its about her own insecurties and Brother? There's nothing you can do about it, expect let her go!

 

I'm eighteen years the otherside of where your at, and my XHEX to this is still trying to screw with my head. For some reason or another, she's constantly needs to put DHX3 up against me as a "standard of measure"

 

Look this guy is a HS grad at best, he's never going to measure up to me. She tells me crap like "He almost joined the Marines ~ which is total BS, I did my twenty in the Marines! I've worked two jobs for my children many a time! In the club systems on base, in grocery stores, convinence stores! Whatever it took.

 

I'm smarter, wiser, more experienced, better educated, better read than your average Alabama "red-neck"

 

50 hour work weeks? Third shift work?

 

Brother, you and I are of the "Blood"

 

Keep posting, keep the faith and I will help you out the best I can.

 

Guns

 

P.S.

 

I known a lot of things when it comes to personal finance, divorce

[toddro]

Thanks Guns and Everyone,

 

Well here is some latest tidbits:

 

Went out for a bite to eat this weekend and struck up a conversation with a girl who has lived in our town all her life. Never met her before and it was mostly small talk, well when I told her who my ex was dating her jaw hit the floor and she said I better get my kids away from him. Im not going to post on here why but how the heck would I do this? Any body know how to do a thorough background check? I have a link to some things I will PM if they are interested, but I think it is just the tip of the iceberg with this guy. This may be a way to get the TRO...but I am not sure.

 

On the other ide of the coin it still sucks, like I think I said before I came from a broken home and pretty much dont have a family. My ex was my family, she knows every weakspot, every secret I have, every chink in my armour. I can just imajine these two lying in bed together and having a laugh at my exspense or her telling this jerk everything about me. That hurts, I dont care who you are..I trusted this person more than anyone else in the world..she was my world. She was like my mother , friend, lover, wife mother of my children...hell everything. I am completely lost at this point and have never felt so alone in my life. This is the hardest part, I dont think she understands this..it's as if she feels our bond is disposable and expendable, just so confused...

[PWSX3]

I would like to suggest getting a good counselor. Like others have told me & I have read many of times; we should never have to lean on someone else to make us happy & that is what you are doing. Your wife is your world as you put it, that is not good.....

 

I know it is very hard now, you feel like everything has turned against you, but down the road you will find out things were in your favor & you are getting rid of bad luggage.

 

She does not love you, she does not care about you or your feelings & the worse part is once things go sour for her & the new dude she will be wanting to come back & you need to work on yourself so when that happens you can tell her; sorry I just need people in my life that love me.......

 

I am also in counseling & I have learned so much about how my past has made me the person I am today & what things I thought were good were really the bad things and that I need to change my thinking.

 

I wish you the best, this can't be easy but it can get better if you work on it.

[toddro]

I would like to suggest getting a good counselor. Like others have told me & I have read many of times; we should never have to lean on someone else to make us happy & that is what you are doing. Your wife is your world as you put it, that is not good.....

 

I know it is very hard now, you feel like everything has turned against you, but down the road you will find out things were in your favor & you are getting rid of bad luggage.

 

She does not love you, she does not care about you or your feelings & the worse part is once things go sour for her & the new dude she will be wanting to come back & you need to work on yourself so when that happens you can tell her; sorry I just need people in my life that love me.......

 

I am also in counseling & I have learned so much about how my past has made me the person I am today & what things I thought were good were really the bad things and that I need to change my thinking.

 

I wish you the best, this can't be easy but it can get better if you work on it.

 

Thanks, I am going to one...well my second visit is this Friday...today is a bad day, the emotional roller coaster sucks...the worst part for me is when I wake up and the house is empty, I wonder where my kids are and what they are doing and yes I wonder about her as well. I am so disgusted with myself sometimes...this mornings events:

 

Came home ( again I work night shift) and the house was clean and dinner from last night was on a plate made for me. I knew she didn't do any of this, I knew she had her next door neighbor come over and do most of the work and yet like a jackass I told her the house looked nice and that she did a good job. Arrghh! I know I know, but the flip side of not being nice to her is almost worse than being nice. She reciprocates it back, but purely in a friend way. I tell you, I hate being nice to her...it just wrenches my gut to hold my tongue and act like everything is OK...its everything...The fact that I am still supporting her ass, the fact that she chose this piece of **** over me, the fact that she somehow has convinced herself that he is a good thing for our kids... the fact that I am sitting here alone in our home typing this to a website...god when will this end

[Sands_of_time]

...it just wrenches my gut to hold my tongue and act like everything is OK...its everything...The fact that I am still supporting her ass, the fact that she chose this piece of **** over me, the fact that she somehow has convinced herself that he is a good thing for our kids... the fact that I am sitting here alone in our home typing this to a website...god when will this end

 

Toddro--Slightly different characters in my life's play but same scenario as you so I can relate. Cheating wife, wants a divorce...etc. I too was like you and wondered when it would end--it was effin horrendously painful. I'm slightly ahead of you in the "time" of this whole ordeal (I was parolled 81 days ago). If I could rewind the clock and looking back only at months 1 and 2 here is the advice I would give myself and I hope it helps you too

 

"look here dude, you are going to have about 60 days worth of crap filled days, sleepless nights and you might go on a bender or two. Suck it up for the next 60 days. Just know that around month three you are going to start to feel different/better. Time heals."

[toddro]

"look here dude, you are going to have about 60 days worth of crap filled days, sleepless nights and you might go on a bender or two. Suck it up for the next 60 days. Just know that around month three you are going to start to feel different/better. Time heals."

 

I did, I had a breakdown today..in front of her, I mean crying like a child..not the begging and pleading to come back cry but the I realize its over but it still sucks cry, almost like someone dyeing kind of cry. So many mixed emotions, because we do still love each other...we just can not get along for more than 15 minutes without getting on each others nerves.

 

I told her many things, one of which is I miss her...she said she missed me as well and that her dating this guy was neccesary to get over me. I told her it sucked because its like over night I have lost the person with whom I am intimate with...not just sex but ( Which is another story, because we have always said we would have an affair if we broke up because the sex is that good...but not at this point because the wounds are too fresh) but the laying in bed and talking or watching a movie.

 

How, tell me How in the hell do two human beings ..adults get to this point in their life...I told her sobbing my eyes out she was my Blood..what I meant by that was I have no blood family except our kids, broken homes and foster care were my childhood. I know this is going to sound crazy but unless you are from the same place its hard for anyone to understand, my entire life I have been shoved, abandoned and pawned off by people who were supposed to love me. This girl was 30 years of waiting and searching for something I never had, I never had a mother hold me and wipe away my tears, never had a father who would stick up for me, just one shade of black sheep bastard child depending on which home I was in at the time. My blood runs through this womans and our childrens veins, I told her I could never make her understand that if I explained it a thousand times and as hard as I tried. Now its gone, today I was that seven year old child standing and screaming in the driveway to his first adoptive mother not to leave me. I dont know what to do..........

[Gunny376]

Get help and counseling ASAP! Your pouring one dirty-water glass of water of your life into another. Don't project your childhood into adulthood, they're not one and the same! (Well yes they are but they're not)

 

Part of what your doing is projecting all those "abandonment issues" of your childhood into your adult life. Theyr're not the same thing man! The reason those foster mothers, real mothers, abdoned you and the wife walked out are totally different. Don't confused the two.

 

Your merging the two into one and the same.

[toddro]

Get help and counseling ASAP! Your pouring one dirty-water glass of water of your life into another. Don't project your childhood into adulthood, they're not one and the same! (Well yes they are but they're not)

 

Part of what your doing is projecting all those "abandonment issues" of your childhood into your adult life. Theyr're not the same thing man! The reason those foster mothers, real mothers, abdoned you and the wife walked out are totally different. Don't confused the two.

 

Your merging the two into one and the same.

 

Your right Gunny I am, I visit my counsler tommorrow for my second appointment, be interesting to see what he has to say..since she took the last visit to him by herself.

 

Here we go with the rollercoaster again today though, or maybe I am reading too much in to it. I get home about 9:30 A.M. and she is ready to go "do stuff" as in run errands, drop some clothes off at the cleaners, put in some job aps and so on and so on. She wa in a big hurry to get out of the house and I knew why, she had not seen him for the last 24 hours god forbid.

 

So she hauls ass and I basicly say to myself whatever, Im dead tired and ready to just hit the sack. Been working a lot of OT. So I slleep untill about 6:00 P.M. and wake up to find the house empty again. This like I said before is one of the toughest things, so I wait till Ive had some coffee and give her a call. I say " Hey, you know its like 6:30 and I have to leave for work in an hour...I'd like to see my kids before I do." Well she sounds like she is in a kind of depressed mood over the phone or either just woke up but she says she doesn't feel good and that she is waiting for my uniforms to dry and she will be home. Ahh, yes I remember she went to do laundry and I asked her to wash a couple of my uniforms as I had ran out which she did....sorry...Im rambling.....'

 

Anyway, she comes home and looks like her puppy just died, I know that "I had a bad day look" very well and I cant help but give her hug...which up to this point she really has not wanted from me..however this time she holds me very tight and initiates a kiss on the lips...something else she has not done in a while, she then starts looking through the mail and comes across a letter from one of my foster mothers that came today; one who I have not tallked to in like five or six years...well the letter is all about how she ( My "Mother") is moving on with her life and is mad at me for not calling her on X-Mas and how she has never seen my grandson and on and on ; Yeah well no kidding there "Mom", I have not seen you but a handful of times since I was seven and out of the blue you send me this crap after five years. Let me tell you when it rains it pours, her timing could not be better.

 

Anyway, my ex reads the letter and gets mad as hell, she says "Let me write this bitch back, this is bull****!"

 

I say " Let it go"

 

She says " Im tired of this woman ****ing with you like this!"

 

"Let it go" I say

 

So at this point I have to leave for work, she again gives me "I love you so much type hug" ( You all know what Im talking about), kiss on the lips and a I love you as I walk out the door.

 

So basicly on the one hour ride to work I just analize all this and come to the same conclusion, it doesn't mean a thing..carry on man.

[Gunny376]

I've got to qualify this post a bit?

 

I'm a retired United States Marine, who's been through a lot?

 

Me, myself and I?

 

I don't give a damn if the sun doesn't shine tommorow!

 

Not that I don't give a damn, nor I don't care for me and my?

 

I'm just to the point to where I could give a damn about such things as your going through ~ and Brother ~ I've been where your at!

 

My best advice to you?

 

 

Either get your Happy @zz busy living your life?

 

Are get your Happy @zz to dying! Just that PLAIN! JUST THAT SIMPLE!

 

Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!

[toddro]

Well here we go again, For almost a week I was fine. Did not see her hardly at all. Basicly just threw myself in to woork and stayed busy. Yesterday however I had something I had to do on my off day and couldn't do it with the kids, so I broke down and called her for some help. Which otherwise would not have been a problem but I knew that by calling her I was involving her loser boyfriend as well, which is where she spends every spare second of her time now. So she caomes and picks up the kids and we get in to a pissing match over who is doing who a favor here...I mean I was working a side job at the time to make some extra cash and she was doing ..well..nothing.

 

The next day I think she feels a little guilty about showing her ass the day before and shows up at the house at 9:30 AM. Now this is on one of my three in a row off days which she usually is no where to be found, well the day goes pretty good. We work on the house cleaning the bedroom and other chores, play with the kids a while, play grab ass all day and act like just another day in the life of a happily married couple...untill late that afternoon she starts talking with me about the boyfriend, as if I wanted to hear about that. " I tell her, look I am not comfortable sitting here listening to you talk about this guy, I dont care, I dont want any part of it"

 

She is like " Sorry, I thought we were friends"

 

I say " Yea, well thats great for you, you know..but I am still hurting here...you want me to lie, you want me to put on a false bravado and blow smoke up your ass?"

 

She says "no, I still love you to"

 

I say " WTF! Why are you doing this!, you know this is ripping my heart out, tell me please, right now am I wasting my time here? Am I being a fool? Should I just Give up hope? I cant keep going like this and you know it, Im sorry but I cant just flip almost 10 years and three kids off like a switch."

 

She starts crying and says " I dont know"

 

Well some time goes by and we put the kids to bed, she starts packing up some clothes in a bag and I ask, " Are you leaving?"

 

She says " Yes, Im going to his house"

 

I say " You know what, whatever...leave..just please go, I mean damn you know we were having a great day together"

 

She leaves and on the way to his house calls and leaves me a message with small talk ( Kids need this, milk, eggs, blah blah) and by the end of the message she breaks up and starts crying and say's quote " I am so sorry I am causing you so much pain, I love you so much, please dont give up on us."

 

Two steps forward and three back.

[SRV]

Toddro,

 

Sorry for what you are going through. For kids sake and your sanity, you need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. You also need to speak with some professionals (Lawyers, Therapist) as soon as you can for your kids and your own best interest.

 

Cheating in itself is abusive. What she is doing to you is abusive.

 

You need to decide exactly what you want from this situation, whether you want to save your marriage or divorce. She is manipulating you and the current situation from your last post. This is very selfish of her.

[Sands_of_time]

Well here we go again, For almost a week I was fine. Did not see her hardly at all. Basicly just threw myself in to woork and stayed busy. Yesterday however I had something I had to do on my off day and couldn't do it with the kids, so I broke down and called her for some help. Which otherwise would not have been a problem but I knew that by calling her I was involving her loser boyfriend as well, which is where she spends every spare second of her time now. So she caomes and picks up the kids and we get in to a pissing match over who is doing who a favor here...I mean I was working a side job at the time to make some extra cash and she was doing ..well..nothing.

 

The next day I think she feels a little guilty about showing her ass the day before and shows up at the house at 9:30 AM. Now this is on one of my three in a row off days which she usually is no where to be found, well the day goes pretty good. We work on the house cleaning the bedroom and other chores, play with the kids a while, play grab ass all day and act like just another day in the life of a happily married couple...untill late that afternoon she starts talking with me about the boyfriend, as if I wanted to hear about that. " I tell her, look I am not comfortable sitting here listening to you talk about this guy, I dont care, I dont want any part of it"

 

She is like " Sorry, I thought we were friends"

 

I say " Yea, well thats great for you, you know..but I am still hurting here...you want me to lie, you want me to put on a false bravado and blow smoke up your ass?"

 

She says "no, I still love you to"

 

I say " WTF! Why are you doing this!, you know this is ripping my heart out, tell me please, right now am I wasting my time here? Am I being a fool? Should I just Give up hope? I cant keep going like this and you know it, Im sorry but I cant just flip almost 10 years and three kids off like a switch."

 

She starts crying and says " I dont know"

 

Well some time goes by and we put the kids to bed, she starts packing up some clothes in a bag and I ask, " Are you leaving?"

 

She says " Yes, Im going to his house"

 

I say " You know what, whatever...leave..just please go, I mean damn you know we were having a great day together"

 

She leaves and on the way to his house calls and leaves me a message with small talk ( Kids need this, milk, eggs, blah blah) and by the end of the message she breaks up and starts crying and say's quote " I am so sorry I am causing you so much pain, I love you so much, please dont give up on us." Two steps forward and three back.

 

Toddro--what a predicament, I must say. Sorry to hear you are in this situation. Painful.

 

She is getting support from you (enough to suit her needs anyway) so there is no real rush for her to make any move one way or the other. Yes-she is confused right now. But she is treating you like a second fiddle. You are in second place. NO HUSBAND DESERVES TO BE IN SECOND PLACE. I've been there. I know the feeling.

 

You are going to have to show her that it's not acceptable for her to be doing what she is doing. She needs to make a choice and no hemming and hawing or excuses like, "I just don't know what I want," or "I still love you too"...yack, yack, yack.

 

Do you want your marriage to continue? If that is the direction you want to go, you must lead the way out. If it's meant to be she will follow your lead. If not, it's going to be painful--so try to be prepared for that outcome. Check out marriagebuilders.com and Plan A and Plan B. Those two plans will give you good direction.

 

Do not follow, wait and wonder if it will work out between you two. Take the lead and take action.

[toddro]

Toddro,

 

Sorry for what you are going through. For kids sake and your sanity, you need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. You also need to speak with some professionals (Lawyers, Therapist) as soon as you can for your kids and your own best interest.

 

Cheating in itself is abusive. What she is doing to you is abusive.

 

You need to decide exactly what you want from this situation, whether you want to save your marriage or divorce. She is manipulating you and the current situation from your last post. This is very selfish of her.

 

 

Im going to counsleing, been three times already..I mean as long as there is NC Im fine...but that usally lasts two or three days and then its back to this mess as above. I asked her if she thought she was doing me a favor by giving me false hope or being nice to me, you know like placating me...she said no..and I said well if you are its not helping its hurting..I can not be "freinds" with this woman..not now...not yet, I dont know if I will ever be able to.