Author toddro Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 Toddro--what a predicament, I must say. Sorry to hear you are in this situation. Painful. She is getting support from you (enough to suit her needs anyway) so there is no real rush for her to make any move one way or the other. Yes-she is confused right now. But she is treating you like a second fiddle. You are in second place. NO HUSBAND DESERVES TO BE IN SECOND PLACE. I've been there. I know the feeling. You are going to have to show her that it's not acceptable for her to be doing what she is doing. She needs to make a choice and no hemming and hawing or excuses like, "I just don't know what I want," or "I still love you too"...yack, yack, yack. Do you want your marriage to continue? If that is the direction you want to go, you must lead the way out. If it's meant to be she will follow your lead. If not, it's going to be painful--so try to be prepared for that outcome. Check out marriagebuilders.com and Plan A and Plan B. Those two plans will give you good direction. Do not follow, wait and wonder if it will work out between you two. Take the lead and take action. Thanks Sands, Your Right, Time to take the lead here...its me or him...she said today maybe we should just give it a little time...For what I ask? If you dont want me now are you going to want me in six months? What the heck do you think is going to change? We've been on this for almost ten years...what is six months going to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks Sands, Your Right, Time to take the lead here...its me or him...she said today maybe we should just give it a little time...For what I ask? If you dont want me now are you going to want me in six months? What the heck do you think is going to change? We've been on this for almost ten years...what is six months going to change? I hope Owl comes in here. I believe his situation was similar to yours and in his case it was a postive outcome. I can't remember exactly how he did it but in the end it worked out for him. Seek out his thread, posts if you can. I don't believe giving an ultimatum is the way to go in most cases though. Seek out Plan A and Plan B on marriagebuilders. I think it's a more refined approach to accomplishing your goal. When she says let's give it a little time, she's saying, "I want to continue to have sex with this other guy and time will tell if it will work out between us. If not, I always have you!" That's not healthy any way you look at it. No one deserves that. YOU don't deserve that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 I hope Owl comes in here. I believe his situation was similar to yours and in his case it was a postive outcome. I can't remember exactly how he did it but in the end it worked out for him. Seek out his thread, posts if you can. I don't believe giving an ultimatum is the way to go in most cases though. Seek out Plan A and Plan B on marriagebuilders. I think it's a more refined approach to accomplishing your goal. When she says let's give it a little time, she's saying, "I want to continue to have sex with this other guy and time will tell if it will work out between us. If not, I always have you!" That's not healthy any way you look at it. No one deserves that. YOU don't deserve that. Your right, My problem is we are still living together because she has no where to go and no money to get there...I refuse to leave the house, and she cant leave...also for the last week I have not heard a peep anymore of her working on moving out. Even though thats all I heard last week, I think if we could actually seperate for six months or so it would get this over with by either us getting back together or moving on with our lives. I know if I were to have 6 months of limited contact I would be in a much stronger state of mind to either accept her coming back if she wanted or being done with this. Heck she was gone three days two weeks ago and I felt better, not that I was over her, just able to let whatever will be will be. But living together everyday sucks, like the wound gets opened up as soon as it starts to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Last couple of days... Had to switch to dayshift for the first day of my work week for dive training. It was my oldest's birthday so when I got off that afternoon I met her and our kids and granparents at Chukee Cheese, had a nice time and all went pretty well. She freaked out once over something trivial but that was all. Drive home was nice, I told some stories about when I was a kid...my kids like that. She sat there and played text message fever like some little 17 year old on prom night. I mean it really was sad and irritating, here we are all together and having nice conversations with the kids and her damn phone keeps going off every five seconds...and of course she just has to check it and reply back..what else could be more important than her bar buddies? Sad if you ask me. Get home and I put the kids to bed whild she plays phone tag, I swear sometimes I just want to hurl that thing in to the lake. I fix myself a vodka tonic and head off to the bedroom for some Law and Order television and relaxation. This is the hardest time because it used to be our time, kids in the bed, house is peaceful and dark and quiet. Good shows coming on and a comfy bed. Of course she doesn't want to have any part of that, keeps coming in to the bedroom and turning on the lights, making all kinds of noise throughout the house, loud over the top laughter as she walks from room to room talking on her cell phone.... Anything to disrupt the peace, finally she falls asleep on the couch clutching her cell phone as if it were a childs blankey... Today was worse, family came in to town later this afternnon and we had done nothing but bicker with each other all day. Same old ****, I dont do this right...if she has to lift a finger to do anything there is this big drawn out drama play to let everyone in the house know that she is " doing something"... yet she pretty much doesn't get **** accomplished except for making a total wreck of the kitchen that hours before I cleaned, bitches about there not being enough food in the house and everything in the fridge needs to be thrown out because of something I didn't do ( cant even remember her logic here), I ****ed up all her clothes and thats why they dont fit her anymore ( Yet she has gained about 15 pounds because she is not working), I didn;t do the dishes right...again, the kids are not behaving because I dont discipline them right, on and on and on.... We go over to family's house that evening and have dinner, she trys to make a passive aggresive comment at me and I call her out so she calls me ******* in front of family...which didn't set well with anyone... Finally I leave for work, she calls me three times...she is sick and doesn't feel well and acting all baby like...wants me to let her slep in tommorrow after I get off my 12 hour shift.... I'm making an appointment this week to see my doctor, need some pills. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Read surviving an affair by Harley. You obviously hold value in her book and your current behavior is forcing her to decide, something she doesn't want to do. Also the arguing. Stop it. Just agree with her. Who cares if she's wrong or right. You know who is right. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 are you paying for the cell phone? if so cancel it. make contact harder on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I'm making an appointment this week to see my doctor, need some pills. Try lorazopan, (check spelling). Use as needed. works wonders. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Two steps forward and three back. Want the one the only shots you have to try and save your marriage? It's obvious she doesn't respect you and I promise you that the more you let her crap all over you the less she thinks of you as a man. I mean she was even fooling around with this guy in your own home for pete's sake and thinks you should be okay with it. She's in fantasy land. For her sake and yours force her to deal with the reality of her decision and let her fall on her ass. Now is not the time to wallow in your sorrows. Now is the time to act. Who knows what this loser was in jail for. For all you know he could be a child molester and he's spending all this time with your children. Get an attorney. Take the initiative. Tell her if she's not going to make up her damn mind that you will do it for her and then file for divorce without saying a word more to her about it. Let her be shocked when the papers get served and be sure to ask for everything you and your children are entitled to in the petition. Divorce papers often make things look more 'real' to a person that's living in a fog. Once they see in black and white what they are about to lose and realize this is serious, it can have a very sobering effect. Open a new bank account and stop depositing money into the ones she has access to. Cancel all credit cards in both your names. Get a court order to keep mister SOB jailbird from being around your children. File to get temp primary custody of those kids since she is acting like a completely unfit mother right now (and she is. No half decent mother in her right mind lets some con she's known for a couple of months around her kids.) Most importantly after you get temp custody, pack her sh** and have it waiting on the front lawn the next time she goes to see him. Tell her that you are keeping the house and the kids since she is the one who no longer wants to be a part of this family and she needs to go find someplace to stay since she wants out. Let her stay with her mom. Her boyfriend. Under a bridge. It doesn't matter but do not let her stay. I'm sorry if this comes off as insensitive or cruel, it's just that I've known women like your wife and you need to put your foot down before this madness spirals your life even further down the rabbit hole. She won't respect you until you take the driver's seat and show her you mean business. Link to post Share on other sites
steveraves Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 You need to hire an attorney and get temporary custody of your kids. Should be fairly easy if she's shacking up with a convicted felon. If she's staying at the other's guys residence, make it perminent. Pack her thinks, put them outside, change the locks, and tell her to come get her things. Withdrawl all monies from your bank accounts, close them, then open up a simple checking account in your name only. She's seeing another guy, but still stays at your house, OH NO MY FRIEND. She needs to be shown you're not a doormat, and you mean business. This is great advice, and you should listen to it. She wants to be with this guy, let that guy support her. Kick her a$$ to the curb, and don't be nice about it. Link to post Share on other sites
steveraves Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Try lorazopan, (check spelling). Use as needed. works wonders. lorazepam, it does work wonders, but like the person above said use as needed. Klonopin also works wonders, same use as needed. medications like these the more you use them the more you need. Currently I take Klonopin... I've taken both and both are good and in generic form. It will really help with the anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Dude I can't believe your letting this go on. She's playing you like a fiddle. She wants it both ways, her boyfriend to light her fire, and her husband to provide the security scumbag does not. Man for your own sanity you need to make a decision (no she does), and fast. 1st, if you havn't done so, you need to meet with a good divorce attorney, and draw up divorce papers. Make sure you inform your attorney about her boyfriend and his past issues. Judges don't look kindly upon this in custody rulings. Then you need to confront her, calmly and gently, and tell her, it's either him or you. She no longer can have the best of both worlds. If you want to repair your marriage, and by what I've read I think it can be fixed, then tell her this. But she needs to choose. Give her 24hrs. Let her know the consequences and expectations of each side of this. 1. If she chooses him, she moves out completely and is on her own. She wants money, get a job. No more "friends" talk, no contact other than arraingments for the kids, nothing. To show her you mean business, show her the divorce papers. 2. If she chooses to remain, then absolutely no contact, whatsoever with dumba$$, and marriage counseling. Let her know you love her and want to be her husband, but you're not going to put up with this any longer. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not convinced your marriage is done. Maybe I'm just an optimist. But, in any case, you need to expect the worst, and most importantly, do what's best for you and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 You need to get into counseling ~ I KNOW! My Mom bailed on me when I was six, and a lot of my problems with my divorce and the XHEX leaving were abdondment issues becuase of the way the divorce went down. I'm back in comm with my Mom (Dad passed away) and I completely understand why she made the choices she had to make. 50% of what your going through isn't about the STBXW but about abdonment! If not more. IMHO! I've worked through mine and will tell some gal to get to skippin in a heartbeat if she can't respect me and mine! Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Ikjh, I usually don't agree with you, but you 've got something here. Take her to court and take the OM too. If nothing else I'm betting he will fly the coop when people starting asking HIM for money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thankyou all for the advice, the people on this site are top notch...well here is another update: Got home this morning around 9:30 A.M.... kids were at school except for my three year old boy. She was in the bed sick, I head to the bathroom first thing and must pass by the beedroom door in order to do say...I hear from the bed " Baby?!" " Yea, its me..I'm Home" " Im Sick Baby" Sigh from me She looks pitiful, I go into the bedroom and like so many times before I kiss her forehead several times to check for a fever, well she has a slight one so I head to the medicine cabinent. Look for some cold medicine but we are out, so I call her Mom and ask to borrow some...go get it.. then come home and start to take care of her as I have done before. Run hot water over a towell for her head, fix some soup, ice water and the cold pills and bring it to her in bed. She looks up at me and smiles as I bring her something to eat and all the rest. A little while later I lay down with her and go to sleep, been working all night so I am tired. She wakes me up around 5:30 PM ansd says her and the family are all going to the local skating rink after dinner at her Mom's house. Asks if I want to go, I say yes because it's my kids birthday. We eat over at her Mom's, go to the skating rink and around 8PM I have to leave for work. So she is talking with some girl she knows, I pass by and tap her on the shoulder and say " I gotta go, time for work...cya later". "Well, Ok" she says with this "thats it?" look on her face. I ignore it and just keep walking. "Wait, hold on" I hear from my back as I head to the door, I need to get something out of the car" she says We walk out together and she says " Wht are you leaving so early?" I say "its 8PM..I usually leave about this time." " No, it's 7:50" she says " Yeah and we are on the other side of town, which adds 20 minutes to my commute." I say " Hmm, Well have fun" She says Me = Roll eyes, "yeah Ok, Im going to work..fun,fun" I say.. I know what she was insinuating here, no I dont have a fling going on..as if I had the time...in other words more games. I get to work, she calls and its more of "we" need to do this for the taxes, and "we" have plans tommorrow night, There are more intimate things that happened as well that Im not gonna post here, but you get the idea. This is all Im going to say, the last 36 hours we have acted almost like a married couple again. This weekend when I get off work for the week will speak volumes. More to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Who knows what this loser was in jail for. For all you know he could be a child molester and he's spending all this time with your children Oh I know exactly what the guy has been arrested for, his record is online. If I knew 100% that this thread would not get back to her I would post it here but I cant be sure of that. are you paying for the cell phone? if so cancel it. make contact harder on her. Nope its hers. Open a new bank account and stop depositing money into the ones she has access to. Cancel all credit cards in both your names. Get a court order to keep mister SOB jailbird from being around your children. File to get temp primary custody of those kids since she is acting like a completely unfit mother right now Done and Done and how? Its taking every penny I have just to keep a roof over our heads right now, since she has quit working. I honestly could not afford an attorney at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I know the stress is incredible! I will never incurr bills I CANNOT pay on my own income! She and I together might could afford a $100,000 house? But she'll have to settle for a $50,000 one! Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 I know the stress is incredible! I will never incurr bills I CANNOT pay on my own income! She and I together might could afford a $100,000 house? But she'll have to settle for a $50,000 one! Tell me about it, my friends are like " Dude, do I need to start saving bail money for you?" They are just unable to believe that I have not gone postal and am holding it together as well as I am, putting up a good front for the sake of my kids and no meds as of yet. Work had been very very supportive, they dont know the sorted details but they know it aint good. Thank god for this company I work for. I have cut out alchohol except for maybe two vodka tonics when she is not around or asleep...thats it...if I were to fall off the wagon right now I dont know what I would do. You guys are only hearing half of what is really going on, there is much more that I really dont want to post here. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Hang tough! There's another side and the tide does and will turn! Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Nope its hers. But she has no job, so you are paying for it. STOP. Done and Done and how? Its taking every penny I have just to keep a roof over our heads right now, since she has quit working. I honestly could not afford an attorney at this point. When my sister wanted out of her marriage because her husband became a completely out of control drug addict she was penniless with a baby so she couldn't afford a lawyer ether. She used legal aid and pretty much did some research on her own as well. They can help you with divorce and custody issues. And for goodness sakes, please stop kissing her boos boos and making them better. How is she ever going to feel any fall out from her decision to not be with you when you are coddling her like a two year old? When she's sick, you say, "Well, I am sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon." Then walk away and go about your business. Let her take care of herself, like she would have to if she were single. Let her do everything for herself, as if she didn't have you to fall back on. By acting the way you are, you are letting her know in no uncertain terms that no matter how badly she treats you that you won't just hang around, you'll ask for more because she has you by your b***s. Fake it till you make it if you have to but try to be aloof. Be pleasant but brief and detached. Stop filling the role of 'friend' because that's only enabling her and making it much easier for her to walk away. She gets to keep you around for emotional support knowing you jump at any crumbs she's willing to give you AND have a hot romance with a new guy. Hand her the wanted ads section of the newspaper and tell her that since she wants to split up she needs to start looking for work today because she needs to find someplace else to live. Please stop letting her leech off of you while she goes off to explore other things in life while keeping you around to foot the bill. As a woman, I have to say that I find what your wife is doing absolutely repugnant when it comes to the way she's creating chaos for these kids. Get an order to have them kept away from that guy at all cost. Your wife is out of her mind right now and the kids are going to pay for it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Screw that, even I can see you are a tool. You want her back. Throw her away. She will come running once you put consequences to her actions. Ignore her. Blow her off. Go on dates with other women. Give her a taste of what she's giving to you. Just a taste. Don't sleep with anyone. Don't form a relationship. Just have opposite sex, "friends" that are attractive and fun to be around. Simple as that. As far as your posts. Your emotions are dictating your actions. Stop that. It's worthless to be a good husband to someone who doesn't even value you, doesn't even recognize that she has a good man who loves her. Your goal should be to show her what it's like to not have you. Stop being wrapped around her finger. Go create questions for her to figure out for herself. Lastly, turn this situation into an oppurtunity for self growth and understanding. How do you know if she's really what you want, now that she has had an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Well, I've had it...came home this mornig from work and the house was empty. I knew two of my kids were in school but my youngest does not yet attend..so my first thought was her and my boy were over at Grandmothers house...so I called and yeah...so much for that. Needless to say they were not there but over at scumbags... I'm done, I dont know how I am going to do it but I need to file for Temporary custody...how the heck am I going to afford a lawyer..thats the problem. Guess I'll figure somethng out. I have no idea what went on after that phone call as I was dead tired and went to bed, tonight we had dinner at her parents house with family that was in town from out of state..not sure what went on today but her Mom was pissed as hell at her. So something happened... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I wish you the best. My best advice right now is not to let your emotions control your actions. Before you were a pushover and now the temptation is going to be to go to the opposite end of the spectrum. Stay calm. Be reasonable and be friendly. Show compasion, but follow through with actions that show you are done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toddro Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Things are calming down a bit now, the pain and hurt is still there but I think some closure is about to ensue. Leave it to tax refund season to help that along, with the kids and her low income "we" should get a nice little chunk of change. I told her that this year I think we should split it and from then on out alternate between claiming the kids. SO, one of us is probably about to move out of the house...which is what we need right now. I actually want to move closer to my job but refuse to leave the house untill we hammer out an agreement set in stone. We will see if she holds to her word about the particulars. Right now I am feeling more dissapointment than anything, like I cant understand why she is doing this...but at the same time Im like ok there isn't jack **** I can do about it so I need to just focus on myself. Hopefully we can finally begin to move on with our lives in the near future. I have already been to look at a few houses and you will not belive how much better that makes me feel, new friends, new life. If nothing more than being able to set a house up my way and keep it organized...she is a train wreck when it comes to keeping a clean house...not that I expected her to be suzy home maker, I never did and dont want that in a mate...but I do like someone who is organized and can pick up after themselves as I try my best to do. I am going to a Fleetwood Mac concert in a few months and I cant wait. {I know im rambling here} but here is a website you all might want to check out. I have always been fascinated by the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham and their music. Read some of their comments and see if they dont apply to your breakup....me and my EX are EXACTLY like this. http://members.tripod.com/~rhiannonn/index.html Thanks to everyone on this site, I'll post as I can. Link to post Share on other sites
edgeof27 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 toddro, which Link to post Share on other sites
edgeof27 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 geeeez, did it again, toddro, which concert are you going to, guess you know about "the ledge" web-site, g... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts