My Story

[toddro]

geeeez, did it again,

 

toddro,

 

which concert are you going to,

 

guess you know about "the ledge" web-site,

 

g...

 

The one on March 20 I think it is, Orlando...Oh yeah, Know the LEdge.

[toddro]

Had a talk with her this morning and basicly told her I was fed up with this living arangment. Right now its her at the house withthe kids for four days and then off to her bitch boy for three while I have the kids...which means I have zero social life, not to mention the fact that we actually get used to being around each other for those four days. I told her this is just to ****ed up, I am not going to be able to move on while still living together, that this was driving me insane...she saw the honesty in my face or something and asked if I could give her 30 days to find a place, I said sure, I'll hold myself together for that long.

 

Distance will make it much better, told her what she has been telling me all along, I cant be what you want me to be which is a "friend" or fallback plAN. She cant be my girl and I dont need another girl "friend", got enough of those.

 

So one more month and the house is mine. Cant come soon enough.

[TrustInYourself]

Sounds like party at your house end of this month. I bring the beer, you bring the ... Wii?

[toddro]

Well, I am digging up this thread for a little update:

 

Kind of been in my cave for a while sorting things out, its been a little over three months since our seperation. She is still "looking" for a job and still "looking" for a place to live. I guess the only thing that has changed is the acceptance on my part of the situation.

 

I have quit trying to reconcile and am trying to find a level where we can relate as parents. Oh sure it still stings but I know its over. She told me the other day that she was in love with this jerk, first time she said that. Their relationship is on full force and thats just the way it is.

 

However, I have seen glimpses of happier times ahead....this weekend I did a major cleaning on the house and rearanged a few things to my likeing. This was great for me and my home is a lot more comfortable now, I actually dont mind being there all alone as much anymore. Anyone going through a seperation I would give this advice to, Clean your house and make it your own....it is very therapuetic.

 

I am also more in tune with her bait and switch tactics, I stay away from her more and focus on myself. Its baby steps for sure, but now I am making two steps forward and 1.5 steps back..if you know what I mean. I still have breakdown moments but they are not as dramatic...just a little sad and disapointing.

 

Slowly, it is getting better for me. Thanks everyone.

[Gunny376]

On a mountain in Viet Nam called Khe San a regiment of Marines were surronded by several NVA regiments (10,000 strong + each)

 

Marines who had completed their 13 month tours were told? "If you can catch that C-140 out of here ~ your out of here!"

 

Under gunfire, mortors, and arty fire they ran for thier lives to get on them without flak jackets or helmets as they taxied to turm around for take off after having done a "skid landing" (landing with their loads flying out the back end with parachutes)

 

It was a sixty second dash at best? Some made it. Many didn't!

 

Were I you? I make the "dash" for the C-140!

[toddro]

On a mountain in Viet Nam called Khe San a regiment of Marines were surronded by several NVA regiments (10,000 strong + each)

 

Marines who had completed their 13 month tours were told? "If you can catch that C-140 out of here ~ your out of here!"

 

Under gunfire, mortors, and arty fire they ran for thier lives to get on them without flak jackets or helmets as they taxied to turm around for take off after having done a "skid landing" (landing with their loads flying out the back end with parachutes)

 

It was a sixty second dash at best? Some made it. Many didn't!

 

Were I you? I make the "dash" for the C-140!

 

Are you saying leave the house?

 

No way man, screw that...she wants out then let her do the leaving. If I move out she gets me for abandonment ( or she could at least) and right now she is following all the rules and agreements of our divorce. No lawyers, no courts and no child support. Split permanent residence and split claiming them on income tax.

 

So as gut wrenching emotionally as it is, logically I must hunker down and live to fight another day. The kids and me in the house and she gets an apartment, she is just taking her time doing it... but she is doing it. I may be losing some emotional battles with my pride and ego, but I will win this war in the long run. I have seen this before, my mother did the same **** and she is a miserable wreck in her life right now. Regrets leaving me and my father and has aged 20 years beyond her actual age.

 

My ex is acting just like her, and this jag off will be eligiable for social security in 10 years. HA! How about that for a 35 year old woman. This relationship wont last and she will lose her looks eventually....plus my kids wont have to be told what she did...they will see it on their own. I will ride out this storm.

[alicia79]

I registered just to reply to your thread. (I've been lurking for a few days)

I just read through the whole thread and it really seems like you've come a long way. From you're last post it seems like you've gained some strength. I wish you the very best. When she is finally gone and this is all over and done with I bet you look back and see how lucky you are to have her out of your life.

You sound like a great guy, hard working, concerned about your kids. When the time comes you won't have any problem finding a nice woman to treat you the way you deserve.

[TrustInYourself]

Are you saying leave the house?

 

No way man, screw that...she wants out then let her do the leaving. If I move out she gets me for abandonment ( or she could at least) and right now she is following all the rules and agreements of our divorce. No lawyers, no courts and no child support. Split permanent residence and split claiming them on income tax.

 

So as gut wrenching emotionally as it is, logically I must hunker down and live to fight another day. The kids and me in the house and she gets an apartment, she is just taking her time doing it... but she is doing it. I may be losing some emotional battles with my pride and ego, but I will win this war in the long run. I have seen this before, my mother did the same **** and she is a miserable wreck in her life right now. Regrets leaving me and my father and has aged 20 years beyond her actual age.

 

My ex is acting just like her, and this jag off will be eligiable for social security in 10 years. HA! How about that for a 35 year old woman. This relationship wont last and she will lose her looks eventually....plus my kids wont have to be told what she did...they will see it on their own. I will ride out this storm.

 

You have an incredible amount of patience and self control and I envy you. I hope everything works out for you in the end. Take care.

[Chrome Barracuda]

God i would have smacked her in the face chris brown style if she told me some craziness like that. Why dont you actively push her out, the more she procrasinates the more she stays. why are you allowing this woman to stay living in a comfy ass lifestyle and push her out the door. Seperate finances, and give her some realty ads. start packing up stuff and taking down the pictures, show her you aint playing. Dont be a damn doormat.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

God i would have smacked her in the face chris brown style...

 

I was cracking up when I read that!

[lostsoulmate]

God i would have smacked her in the face chris brown style if she told me some craziness like that.

 

This is sick. Violence is never the answer. I would rather he cheat on me than hit me.

[toddro]

God i would have smacked her in the face chris brown style if she told me some craziness like that. Why dont you actively push her out, the more she procrasinates the more she stays. why are you allowing this woman to stay living in a comfy ass lifestyle and push her out the door. Seperate finances, and give her some realty ads. start packing up stuff and taking down the pictures, show her you aint playing. Dont be a damn doormat.

 

 

Are you serious? What would that accomplish? I go to jail and she has an iron clad case for full custody. Domestic Violence will sink your ship in court...not to mention it is just wrong. As far as kicking her out right now, sure that might "feel" good for a few hours. But then who takes care of my kids while I am at work 60 hours a week on a night shift? Not to mention the fact that I have to explain to my kids why I put their mother out on the street. No, that’s not the answer...give her enough rope and she will hang herself. And even that is not something I should wish for...my kids need their mother. She needs to get her act together.

 

Funny thing today, she checks out an apartment on the other side of town...nice place thank goodness. But she needs proof of income, which she does not have right now so she asks me to sign a paper saying I “pay” her $1,000 a month as an employee or personal assistant or whatever. She says ” It wont be anything legal or anything and it will only stay at the apartment to show I have income.” “ Anyone could do it.” she says

 

“Me, why me? I mean that would be great you know, and right now I honestly believe you are not trying to hamstring me with this. that you just want to get your own place.” “ But what about in two or three years when you get pissed at me and you take this to a court, a thousand bucks a month is 12 grand a year...I cant agree to that, I wish I could ya know...but I don’t think we have that trust between us you know.” “ And that sucks, but its true.”

 

“I cant believe you would think I would do that!” She says

"

 

Well, I don’t think you would at this exact moment...but who knows five years down the road...ask me if I thought you would ever leave me for another guy last year and I would have said No way...but look how that turned out.”

 

“ I didn’t leave you for another guy” she says

 

“Yeah, you just jumped in to his bed two hours after we “broke Up”. I said “ And called me to let me know you were...nice”

 

 

“ Whatever, your gonna get out of this scott free” “ Your going back to school and have a job...who is going to be stuck with the kids” She says

 

“ The kids will spend half their week with me and half with you, I am not afraid of a little sleep loss or hard work, I say

 

“ And how the heck and am I getting off scott free? That $18,000 minivan that you are riding your boyfriend around in, who pays for it? All of the bills for the last six months, who is paying for them? How am I getting off scott free, you want out...if I as a man were to find a new girlfriend and want to shack up with her you would nail me to the cross and you know it....but because you are doing it as a woman it’s ok? Bullcrap, I think I am being fair. “ I say

 

“Whatever” she says

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is sick. Violence is never the answer. I would rather he cheat on me than hit me.

 

I'm just saying if I was in his place I'd be tempted to attempt some violence. I'd never hit a woman but what she said to him was so infuriating!!!

 

She's married, F-ing someone else, and ahas the audacity to tell him im in LOVE with him?? Wow if I dont know what deserved an buttwhooping i dont know what will.

 

Wonder if she'll say that if she comes home with HPV or herpes?

[toddro]

I registered just to reply to your thread. (I've been lurking for a few days)

I just read through the whole thread and it really seems like you've come a long way. From you're last post it seems like you've gained some strength. I wish you the very best. When she is finally gone and this is all over and done with I bet you look back and see how lucky you are to have her out of your life.

You sound like a great guy, hard working, concerned about your kids. When the time comes you won't have any problem finding a nice woman to treat you the way you deserve.

 

 

Thanks Alicia, I hope you ae right.

[Gunny376]

I was saying it was time to bail out of the marriage, not the house ~ and your thinking just right! About the children and your obligations!

 

You've got your head on right!

 

She's off in "fog" la~la land, and you're the one who's got to deal with it and her crap!

[mark982]

toddro,very wise how you blew her off on her asking for that financial letter,sounds like her bf putting ideas in her head.you're gonna have to step this up a notch,as she's getting money somewhere to see this guy.i'd also do some serious investigating(or have a freind)take pics of them together with your kids, if he's good a really bad record shouldn't be hard to get a order for him to stay away from them, then when he don't, back to jail he goes.damn won't she be pissed then

[scoot]

Well this is my fist post on this forum, and what a weird place this is!!!

This whole mess sounds like my 1st wife with bitter custody battles and lots of other dudes. It was a battle that took one whole year and she was pregnant by the time we went to trial with some other guys baby. I cut out my heart, and fought for my kids and all ended well. They are teenagers now and love me for fighting and caring. I am ending my 2nd marriage now after ten years and find myself going thru all the feelings of loss much faster than the 1st time. I learned that the sun will rise again and all will be well if I treat myself with respect and value.

[toddro]

Went to our local college today and registered for school, going to join the nursing program...funny...I did this about three years ago but dropped out when our son was born...well he starts school next year so I can get back in to it. Plus I am not constantly having to worry about whether or not the ex is happy...thats someone elses job now. Should take me about three years to get my RN... not going to quit my day job. But I have time on my hands now so why not use it to better myself, thinking of going in to neo-natal...not sure though...Im 37 now so by the time I am 40 I will be a registered nurse.

[Mountains10]

Went to our local college today and registered for school, going to join the nursing program...funny...I did this about three years ago but dropped out when our son was born...well he starts school next year so I can get back in to it. Plus I am not constantly having to worry about whether or not the ex is happy...thats someone elses job now. Should take me about three years to get my RN... not going to quit my day job. But I have time on my hands now so why not use it to better myself, thinking of going in to neo-natal...not sure though...Im 37 now so by the time I am 40 I will be a registered nurse.

 

That's great to hear Toddro, sounds like you will be able to focus on it just fine. It's good to be out there doing something for yourself now. Good luck.

[Justanotherschmuck]

Sorry,

 

Screwing someone else who is not your spouse, breaking their heart, taking their trust for granted, taking advantage of another human beings emotional attachments:

 

ABSOLUTELY DESERVES GETTING BASHED OVER THE HEAD WITH A CINDER BLOCK!!! Some things are INEXCUSABLE. This is one of em. You walk into your home and catch your wife (or husband) with someone else, time to get busy!

 

Excuse me for not being PC or very stylish, but you cheat on your spouse YOU DESERVE WHATEVER , W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R you spouse feels like doing to you.

Damn the law and public opinion. Thats YOUR MAN OR WOMAN. Betrayal is the WORST thing you can do.

 

Will beating his or her azz get you anywhere? No, that much I understand. But it ain't because you want it get somewhere, its just because its justice served.

 

I understand the poster COMPLETELY. I would rather someone BEAT me to a pulp that have my wife be with another man.....ANY time, a million times.

Believe me, the betrayed suffers far, far worse than any beating he or she can give.

[lostsunsets]

Toddro, you are the man. You have kept it together so well. Sorry but your wife is a POS. She turned out to be a loser and her and that POSOM will pay a heavy price.

[Gunny376]

toddro, your handling this as you should! Yes you've taken a couple in the bow, but your adapting, improvising and over-coming as you go! Your moving forward and the STBX is eating your dust!

 

Your keeping your head about you, when others would lose their minds!

 

You my friend are indeed tha' man!

 

Keep on 'keeping' on!

[Gunny376]

Sorry,

 

Screwing someone else who is not your spouse, breaking their heart, taking their trust for granted, taking advantage of another human beings emotional attachments:

 

ABSOLUTELY DESERVES GETTING BASHED OVER THE HEAD WITH A CINDER BLOCK!!! Some things are INEXCUSABLE. This is one of em. You walk into your home and catch your wife (or husband) with someone else, time to get busy!

 

Excuse me for not being PC or very stylish, but you cheat on your spouse YOU DESERVE WHATEVER , W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R you spouse feels like doing to you.

Damn the law and public opinion. Thats YOUR MAN OR WOMAN. Betrayal is the WORST thing you can do.

 

Will beating his or her azz get you anywhere? No, that much I understand. But it ain't because you want it get somewhere, its just because its justice served.

 

I understand the poster COMPLETELY. I would rather someone BEAT me to a pulp that have my wife be with another man.....ANY time, a million times.

Believe me, the betrayed suffers far, far worse than any beating he or she can give.

 

 

I've yet to meet the woman that's worth getting cuffed and taking to jail for even ten minutes, let alone worth going to prison over?

 

If she can find someone that's got more to offer her than I do?

 

More power to them!

 

I can promise you this though? I will never become so deeply involved nor entangled with a woman that it would take a Corps of lawyers to get my Happy @ss disintangled from her and her BS.

 

There will always henceforth be not only a Plan (A), but (B) and © and I will always have hidden cash reserves for such.

 

Burn me once? Never again!

[toddro]

Well a little snafu today...

 

As you all know she has been looking for a place to move in to, well today she finally got a job. Which is good but the problem is it doesn't pay very well.

 

So she tells me that the she cant afford the apartments she has been looking at and that she is now considering an apartment complex on the other side of town.

 

I said "Oh Yeah, which one?"

 

"The one off of blank road" she says

 

" Umm, to the left or right of blank road" I inquire

 

" Left" she says

 

" You mean the housing projects in the middle of crack town?" I ask

 

" Oh, no its not like that anymore, they cleaned the place up" she says

 

" I dont care if they did or not, its still a bad part of town...why would you want to live there and why would you want to take our kids there? I say

 

" Because I can get subsidized housing there, a single Mom with three kids" she says

 

" Whoa there I say, couple of points I want to make...we agreed on splitting the primary residence and who is to say you get all the benefits of single parenthood? Because you are a woman...nuh uh..I am just as good a parent as you are and the kids will be with me half the time. YOu are not going to sign up for a bunch of state funded programs and claim the kids...while leaving me out in the cold. And I am by no means comfortable with my kids living in section 8 subsidized housing...and I cant believe you are either." I say

 

" Well you make more money than I do, you could not get those benefits any way." She says

 

" And whose fault is that" I go on to say " Mine?" " You could make the same amount of money as I do...just because your a woman doesn't mean you cant...and I am just as much a single parent as you are...you are not disabled and you have almost three years of college under your belt." " Its not my fault that you choose to work low income jobs so you can play the system."

 

"Well , this is all I can afford so what do you propose I do?"

 

Now what?

 

[Gunny376]

There was a time when a woman living in "the projects" wasn't such a bad thing? That was about 40 years ago. Back before gangs, thugs, drugs, and when it was mostly "working class" poor that needed a leg up in the world.

 

They were too poor to paint, and too proud to "white-wash", they worked and had jobs and took pride in themselves and their families (not that many still don't)

 

You really only have four choices as I see it?

 

1. Reconcile

 

2. Subsidize her lifestyle choices (aka alimony and child support)

 

3. Accept her choice to move into government subsidise housing.

 

4. Seek sole custody of the children.

 

Obviously she cannot afford to provide for herself, let alone the children, and so I would solicit that you follow choice No. #4.

 

Women are awarded sole custody in 90% of the cases of divorce, but the primary reason for that is because most men do not seek sole custody, but in the 10% of the cases where they do? They are awarded sole custody 90% of the time, (Ref: Nexus ~ I wrote a paper on this in college just a couple of years ago.)

 

The courts are primarily concerned with the best interest and welfare of the children. Who is the better parent regardless of gender.

 

Your better eduated, earn more money, live in the better school district, are not seeking to move the children to "Crack City" (The judges know!)

 

The downside to this is that you will just about crush your chances of finding anyone else to get into a serious relationship with. Men are willing to take on a woman with children from a previous relationship, but women less so.

 

BUT they are out there! And with exception if and when you find one? You know that she's a keeper!