My Story

[toddro]

There was a time when a woman living in "the projects" wasn't such a bad thing? That was about 40 years ago. Back before gangs, thugs, drugs, and when it was mostly "working class" poor that needed a leg up in the world.

 

They were too poor to paint, and too proud to "white-wash", they worked and had jobs and took pride in themselves and their families (not that many still don't)

 

You really only have four choices as I see it?

 

1. Reconcile

 

2. Subsidize her lifestyle choices (aka alimony and child support)

 

3. Accept her choice to move into government subsidise housing.

 

4. Seek sole custody of the children.

 

Obviously she cannot afford to provide for herself, let alone the children, and so I would solicit that you follow choice No. #4.

 

Women are awarded sole custody in 90% of the cases of divorce, but the primary reason for that is because most men do not seek sole custody, but in the 10% of the cases where they do? They are awarded sole custody 90% of the time, (Ref: Nexus ~ I wrote a paper on this in college just a couple of years ago.)

 

The courts are primarily concerned with the best interest and welfare of the children. Who is the better parent regardless of gender.

 

Your better eduated, earn more money, live in the better school district, are not seeking to move the children to "Crack City" (The judges know!)

 

The downside to this is that you will just about crush your chances of finding anyone else to get into a serious relationship with. Men are willing to take on a woman with children from a previous relationship, but women less so.

 

BUT they are out there! And with exception if and when you find one? You know that she's a keeper!

 

Option one = Out of the question

 

Option Two= No and we have agreed to this. She wants her freedom without the kids more than money so this is not a problem. No child support or alimony.

 

Option Three= It may come to this.

 

Option Four= Hopefully it doesn't come to this, not because I would not want to take on that role. But neither of us wants a court battle. Some very ugly secrets will undoubtly come to light. Plus it would be expensive and well..I dont know how to explain it but neither of us want a court battle.

 

As far as the odds of me finding another woman with three kids of my own......my kids come first...I mean do I hope I can one day...sure...have the last four months been the lonleyest point in my life?

 

Yes, they have in the sense I have cried myself to sleep dozens of times...but at the same time I am closer to my children than ever before. If there is an upside, that would be it.

 

I am prepareing myself for a life of being a single parent and not having anyone there for me...no special someone like my ex has...does it scare me? Yeah, a little...I'm a family man, what can I say? Im also relatively young and have a healthy sex drive and well enjoy the company of a special woman.

 

But I am a father first and I will not make the same mistakes that were made with my childhood...I absolutley refuse to be a every other weekend Dad. If that means my "love life" is slim to none...so be it.

[mental_traveller]

You're acting like a wimp. Contact an attorney, kick her out, and put a restraining order on the guy to stay away from your kids & house. Get divorced asap and forget you ever knew this woman.

[mental_traveller]

I trusted this person more than anyone else in the world..she was my world. She was like my mother , friend, lover, wife mother of my children...hell everything. I am completely lost at this point and have never felt so alone in my life. This is the hardest part, I dont think she understands this..it's as if she feels our bond is disposable and expendable, just so confused...

 

Yeah it sucks, but you have to look at this with pure unemotional logic. If you saw this happen to another guy, what would you think of the woman? That she was a deceitful, lying, cheating ho-bag, right? So, logically that means your ex is exactly the same.

 

You have to cut off and kill all feelings you have for her, asap, like a doctor does with a formerly functioning part of the patient's body that has now become cancerous. Anything else, any hope of return, an compromise will just prolong the agony and lead to a terminal result for the patient.

 

She is not the woman you thought she was. You were deceived. Look at her as she is, not as you thought she was and not as you wish she might be. Check out other divorce threads on here and you will see the same pattern again and again.

[Chrome Barracuda]

M T is right you need to man the F-up!!! I live in a bad part of new york and even though there's cops walking around stuff still goes down when you least expect it. if I had a wife taking my kids to live in the bad part of town I would be livid!!! Fighting tooth and nail!!!

 

Dont let your kids go. Do whatever it takes to be a father to your kids. she wants to leave then let her go the kids stay with you! What the hell is a the problem? she's not your wife anymore!

[pelicanpreacher]

I think you'd better brace yourself for impact because your stbx will eventually directly seek child support from you or it will be done at the behest of the state. You are the recognized father of these children so no matter what state financial support she applies for the governing CSEA will make sure that you are paying your state required support on top of any welfare she's provided as a requirement for receiving their aid. The state is not in the business of subsidizing single mothers when there is a fit and able bodied man available sharing equal responsiblity for the care and welfare of the children who is capable of financially supporting them himself!

[Chrome Barracuda]

...She can only get child support if she has custody of your kids. Go see a lawyer ASAP!

[toddro]

Went and talked to a lawyer this morning, it was only a thirty minute initial consultation but it was helpful. Now where to get the money to actually hire him.

[mark982]

how about selling that 18,000.00 dollar mimi van, that your stbxw is hauling her dead azz bf around in?

[toddro]

Im back guys,

 

There is life after divorce. Its been a month or so now since everything has been finalized. Im getting my house in order and taking care of myself.

 

And oh yeah, here is a bombshell....the ex is knocked up by the boyfriend.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Im back guys,

 

There is life after divorce. Its been a month or so now since everything has been finalized. Im getting my house in order and taking care of myself.

 

And oh yeah, here is a bombshell....the ex is knocked up by the boyfriend.

 

Do you have physical custody of the kids, that's what I wanna know. Because if your paying her ass child support when she's busy laying on her back so help me god!!!

[mark982]

come on toddro, been gone awhile and don't fill us in,we're like a bunch of old women,we're nosey:p

[toddro]

Do you have physical custody of the kids, that's what I wanna know. Because if your paying her ass child support when she's busy laying on her back so help me god!!!

 

Nope, no child support. Joint Custody and 3.5 days a week with me and 3.5 days a week with her. We split the household belongings 50/50 and I got the house. She got the Van and I got the blazer. She pays for her car and I pay for mine. We spit the daycare costs and I cover the kids on health insurance.

 

So I guess its as fair as you could ask for as far as money and time spent with the kids.

 

However what distresses me the most now is her being two months pregnant. She almost died having our last child. Doctors told us both that she did not need to get pregnant again, that it might actually kill her.

 

So there is the real threat of my kids losing their mother, and if not then the family has to deal with another child. Our support structure is already taxed to the limit, there is not enough time being spent on the kids as it is. Family is going above and beyond to help out but they have lives of their own as well. Plus we now have me and her trying to keep up two seperate households instead of one shared one. Needless to say my kids will give up things because of this new baby.

 

Add to that, the awkwardness of this baby on the way. I mean, its a child...its not the childs fault. The child will be a half sibling to my other three. We ( my children and I) do all kinds of stuff together. You know there is going to come a day when me and my three kids are off for a fishing trip or whatever and the new baby wants to come as well. Honestly, the child doesn't understand...it just wants to be with big brother and sisters. So I have to tell this child " No, you cant go because I am not your father...." You know what that does to a kid ? I know because I was that kid....it sucks. That will break my heart, I know its not my kid...I know. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow knowing she is having another mans child, bring this in to my kids lives, totally destroying our family and running it through a meat grinder. Is that this kids fault? I have a soft heart for kids, they are the victims caught in the crossfire. I cant believe she would do this ****, not to mention the fact that the father will be 51 years old when the kids is born. How long will this kid even know his father? Maybe untill high school? She knows I cant shun a child, she knows I have a heart for kids and she knows I cant be mean to any child. She knows the day will come when this new child will want to spend time with me and its siblings.....and my heart will not allow me to say no.

 

 

 

This whole situation sucks, another kid being brought in to this was the LAST thing anybody needed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Look i know it sucks but in this scenario you need to take care of your own kids they are your only responsibility. She knew the risks when she got pregnant before hand, she's not an idiot she did this to keep the OM in her circle. That's all...

 

Whatever happens to her, needs to happen because this is what she wanted, what she reap, she will have sown.

 

You should not be taking care of another man's kid. It isnt yours and you shouldnt even care what the kid says. besides the baby isnt even born yet. So in time things will work out.

 

How are things on the dating front?

[imagine]

Toddro your story worries me.

 

You can only concern yourself in your area of problem. If she dies the child is his. Don't worry about the distant future. God provides!

[toddro]

Look i know it sucks but in this scenario you need to take care of your own kids they are your only responsibility. She knew the risks when she got pregnant before hand, she's not an idiot she did this to keep the OM in her circle. That's all...

 

Whatever happens to her, needs to happen because this is what she wanted, what she reap, she will have sown.

 

You should not be taking care of another man's kid. It isnt yours and you shouldnt even care what the kid says. besides the baby isnt even born yet. So in time things will work out.

 

How are things on the dating front?

 

Not so good, I dont have the time and honestly with all that is going on my confidence is a little shaken...which doesn't bode well with women. Women want a guy with confidence and self assurance, right now mine has taken a real hit. So I can understand why they are not beating a path to my door. But at the same time I cant put on some kind of false bravado, it's veiled and shallow if I do. I really do need someone in my life right now though, I feel.....hmmm....well honestly....I feel like....what the hell is wrong with me, I have a good job, a house, Im not all that bad looking I think, I like to think I have a good heart, Im not a total doormat like I was a few months ago. I just have a real problem approaching women... I guess im a little gun shy right now. My ex has really screwed my head up.

[toddro]

Toddro your story worries me.

 

You can only concern yourself in your area of problem. If she dies the child is his. Don't worry about the distant future. God provides!

 

Thank you for your empathy, I have been going to church with my aunt latley...taking my kids..praying...so thank you for careing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Not so good, I dont have the time and honestly with all that is going on my confidence is a little shaken...which doesn't bode well with women. Women want a guy with confidence and self assurance, right now mine has taken a real hit. So I can understand why they are not beating a path to my door. But at the same time I cant put on some kind of false bravado, it's veiled and shallow if I do. I really do need someone in my life right now though, I feel.....hmmm....well honestly....I feel like....what the hell is wrong with me, I have a good job, a house, Im not all that bad looking I think, I like to think I have a good heart, Im not a total doormat like I was a few months ago. I just have a real problem approaching women... I guess im a little gun shy right now. My ex has really screwed my head up.

 

Yeah I understand, but im not talking about serious relationships im just talking about casual dating and sex. Confidence is good but you dont need much to get a woman home. you know.

 

But also your just coming out of a marriage, yeah i could tell your screwed up. but that doesnt mean the end of the world. You still need to have those itches scratched. I'm sure you can find a nice looking cougar or sweet young thing to pass the time. lol. buck up mayn.

 

Dont it feel good to finally be free. You have a chance to build your self anew and start over. find someone worth your time and be better than what you were.

 

Good times are coming!!!

[toddro]

Yeah I understand, but im not talking about serious relationships im just talking about casual dating and sex. Confidence is good but you dont need much to get a woman home. you know.

 

But also your just coming out of a marriage, yeah i could tell your screwed up. but that doesnt mean the end of the world. You still need to have those itches scratched. I'm sure you can find a nice looking cougar or sweet young thing to pass the time. lol. buck up mayn.

 

Dont it feel good to finally be free. You have a chance to build your self anew and start over. find someone worth your time and be better than what you were.

 

Good times are coming!!!

 

I agree, I am painting the inside of my house and remodeling the kitchen right now...trying to get it presentable and the way I want it. And yes its good to be free, I've been with one girl since the seperation but it felt awkward. Not that Im still hung up over my ex, just that this girl was way to passive in bed. She was pretty hot and the type of girl who acted like she was doing you a favor by taking her clothes off for you. That is not a turn on for me, I mean I was like dang, do something besides just lay there.... in addition she was a real obnoxious drunk, got us throwed out of a local pub because she wouldn't stop dropping f-bombs and taunting the bar help...not my type.

 

I like a girl who can act like a lady with some class in public and get wild when we get home. Not a prude mind you, but someone who does not have to show their ass to get attention....both figuratively and literally...

 

One step at a time, I am on a few online dating websites but have not had much luck their either. However, talking with folks and that is about the norm for those things...

[mark982]

damn that's strange, all the crazy drunks i've ever been out with have been great in bed.

[toddro]

damn that's strange, all the crazy drunks i've ever been out with have been great in bed.

 

 

I know...Isn't it though, real contradiction this girl. She was all wild in public, but get her home and she becomes a turtle in her shell....strange...I guess its true what they say about the quiet ones.

[toddro]

Digging this thing up for a six month update I guess, well lets see....in some ways I have grown. Been out on a few dates, even had a "girlfriend" for about a month or two but I lost interest. She was the typical rebound girlfriend no doubt and I think I knew that going in to it...so Im ok with it. She fell way too fast for me, and I had no intention of letting that happen. Sue me, but hey I just got out of a 10 year marrige...I want to be sure, and the only thing I was sure of with her was that there were way too many bones in her closet. No thanks.

 

As for the ex, well she is now four months pregnant with a boy. Which is really bothering me. I never wanted our kids to have the whole different daddy's thing going on. It sucks and makes everyone uncomfortable...especially since I am still very close to her family. They still and will continue to treat me like a son, most of the family is trying and succeeding to stay nuetral...but they are somewhat disgusted by what she has done and subtley let me know about it. I take the high road and dont buy in to it, its not good for the kids.

 

We had a pool party the other day over at her parents house, time for her to show off her new man...you could cut the tension with a knife to say the least.

 

We went to court last week, I got pretty much everything I wanted. 3.5 days a week with me and 3.5 with her. Child support was very minimal which she is going to kick back to me anyway. Joint shared custody.

 

We spent all day together court day, had lunch together and done some shopping. We both cried in the court room, she told the judge I was the best father our kids could have and that I had done nothing but support them in every way. She confided in me that she felt ashamed to admit it, but that she did not want to get pregenant...well little too late for that. I told her, you know I honestly believed that we would probably end up getting back together one day...that we just needed to get some stuff out of our system...but now..no...she said "I know, so did I."

 

So here we are, bridges are burnt and time wasted. I hate her sometimes, I dont understand how a person can be so selfish. I mean, look date the guy..hell get married...but why did you have to get knocked up?

 

Im still getting back to myself, still healing...still trying to find my peace of mind. Im closer, Im getting there and I know I will find that peace again in the future. Im not thinking about her or what she is doing anymore, have not for some time. I am thinking about the rest of my life and making it better for me and my kids, that is in progress. But Id be a liar if I said that I still dont have the occasional sleepless night, the deer in the headlight look from time to time thinking how the hell did it come to this? But my kids and I are having a ball and I am much the wiser when it comes to dating women. I know what to watch out for and what I want, I know that Im a pretty good guy and my self confidence is returning. I know....it will get only better.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow T! where you been?

 

I'm sorry to hear what's going on. It was nice to hear that your ex was kind to you. I mean even after all of that crazy stuff she put you through, she was kind enough to decend outta the fog and give the judge showing you your true character.

 

I'm sad for you, it's weird I see what your seeing and your STBX is coming outta the fog. Clearly she still loves you, but damn another man's baby is growing in her stomach?

 

Has the OM left her or is he still in the picture? I mean damn this guy must feel stupid? Is he gonna support his kid or not. Does your ex think you Should financially contribute now?

 

I see things getting better for you. Things will get better, and you will find someone for you!

[mark982]

toddro, got to hand it to you! there's no way in hell i could of went to a pool party at her parents house,and came out of it w/o violence.you have some seriously big stones.

[toddro]

Wow T! where you been?

 

I'm sorry to hear what's going on. It was nice to hear that your ex was kind to you. I mean even after all of that crazy stuff she put you through, she was kind enough to decend outta the fog and give the judge showing you your true character.

 

I'm sad for you, it's weird I see what your seeing and your STBX is coming outta the fog. Clearly she still loves you, but damn another man's baby is growing in her stomach?

 

Has the OM left her or is he still in the picture? I mean damn this guy must feel stupid? Is he gonna support his kid or not. Does your ex think you Should financially contribute now?

 

I see things getting better for you. Things will get better, and you will find someone for you!

 

No the OM is still in the picture, doesn't have a job per se out of outside hit and miss stuff. I guess he is going to stick around and support the kid somehow. They pretty much live together in her apartment. As far as support goes, I make about three times as much a year as she does so there is some support involved, its very very minimal and she has promised to kick it back to me anyway. She said this in front of her parents so I belive she will hold to it.

 

I see what your saying about coming out of the fog somewhat, she told me tonight she has nightmares almost every night so clearly there are demons haunting her. Some are the same she always had and some have been awoken by this new situation I guess. She knows we are done and so do I, she doesn't want to come back if she could I believe and I could not take her back....but yeah...there is still love there, I wont deny that. Loved is not a word ( look it up) there is no such thing as past tense love so the bond we had will always be there in some dim way. Plus we have three kids together, her problem right now if you ask me is the family...they are not happy with this and she feels cut off. Perhaps one day that will change but who knows. I think she will swallow more **** from this relationship than she ever claimed she swallowed with mine, when we hooked up...everyone sung our praises and said we made such a perfect wondeful couple. I was welcomed open arms in to the family.

 

If this one fails for her, she will have to eat a HUGE piece of " I told you so" so knowing her I believe she will eat this and keep it down, no matter how much she gags on it years to come. But its going to be a hefty price to pay. She is already trying to manipulate things to bolster her new "family" ....trying to discourge me and someone else close to my children from taking them here and there....simply because she cant do that for them. Almost like its a stupid competition, whatever....the line of work I do and my friend do comes with some great fringe benefits for my kids and I plan to let them and myself enjoy them as much as possible, she wanted out...not us.

 

Oh and Hey Mark:

 

Yeah, no kidding man..it was tough let me tell you, she tried to "pull her Dick out" one time and I pretty much stomped on it. My kids had got some food on the floor and she makes this cocky little statement in front of the family " Todd, I thought you told Mama you were going to take care of that". Well naturally everybody looks up to see my reaction and I say " I did , I told MY three kids to clean up their mess." Needless to say she spoke to me in a somewhat softer tone the rest of the day. I know it doesn't sound like much, but these two had been posturing all day and she thought she was going to be the big dick and I was going to jump like a little bitch boy because she made a veiled comment. Yeah, sorry...but one of the line items in our divorce papers was I get my balls back.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow man you sond real strong.

 

The OM is an idiot, and she is one too, Look at the facts he's living with her, got her pregnant , got no job to support her and the baby and she's needing alot of things, plus she already got divorced?

 

So she definitely downtraded. isnt it funny in an ironic way that she chose this path of her life by herself? No one put a gun to her head and forced her to cheat on you, but females they be so self absorbed into the cheating crap that they dont think reality is real, especially when crap happens?

 

Does she really think this OM is gonna stay faithful to her, marry her, be with her in the long run. She threw away a definite win for an also ran.

 

I mean damn she must be feeling stupid and she would go to her grave probably in denial when it all goes downhill.

 

All you should do is focus on your kids, but like mark I couldnt be around her at the pool party while both of them are there too, Id feel disgusted and be cracking jokes on them at their expense all night long. I commend you for keeping your cool.

 

Why dont you not be around her anymore if it aint about your kids you dont need to talk.