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Question for ladies - what the @#$@# are the rules in America?!


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This is kind of an odd topic, but I'm living in the States (Washington DC area) having moved here from Ireland a few years back. When I got here, I got married almost immediately (a green card had something to do with it, but it wasn't *everything*) but that ended after five years.

 

Okay, when I was in Ireland, I was, well, a bit of a player. I was extremely athletic, and knew exactly what to say to get women to do what I want. Unfortunately, being young, all I wanted to do was screw around, and that's exactly what I did. Up until my marraige, the longest I'd ever lasted with a girl before I couldn't stand it any more was two months.

 

So now here I find myself dealing with America women who are in their late 20s as opposed to Irish women in their early 20s, and lemme tell ya, there's a WORLD of difference! And I have just realized that apart from the past six months, I have pretty much zero experience when it comes to dating. I went from being a.. well, slut, quite frankly, to married, and now I'm trying to find the happy medium. I don't want to be a player anymore, all I want to do is meet a girl who I find attractive mentally, emotionally, and physically, and develop something real and lasting.

 

I have learned, however, that not only are my old "tools" no longer valid (my six pack is now more of a keg, hehe) and American women, as I've said, are vastly different than Irish women. Back home, I am used to telling it like it is - where I'm from, if you like someone, you tell them, and that's that. Despite my past, I've always been honest and upfront when dealing with women, because that's how we are. If I get a woman's number, I call her. I don't wait any specific length of time, I just call when I can, often the next evening, or maybe the evening after.

 

But it ain't going well - I get the impression that there are all these rules that I am unaware of. For example, I introduced a girl I was seeing to my friends as my girlfriend, and she freaked out, telling me that it was too soon, and I was rushing things. (We had been seeing each other exclusively for two months and were sleeping together, I figured that made her my girlfriend!) I call a girl next day, she thinks I'm desperate. I wait a bit, she has no idea who I am.

 

So would someone explain to me the standard here?! Is the "two day" rule I keep hearing about valid? Why do I get funny looks if I hold a door open for a girl, claiming that they're their own woman, but if I DON'T do it, then I'm not a gentleman?!? And the one that REALLY confuses me - When do you go from "just dating" to being "boyfriend/girlfriend" and is that different from "serious relationship"?!

 

HELP!!

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2SidestoStories

Perhaps I'm not precisely an "Authority on the Rules of American Women," but I AM an American Woman, and therefore your question applies in a nice general way to me.

 

Personally, I don't think there are such things as precisly drawn out rules that women (or men!) have. That being said, it sounds as if you've got a pretty clear idea as to what you're looking for in a possible partner.

 

My advice to you is to not think of women in terms of unwritten laws and such, but rather to keep doing things as you understand and know them (since what you describe sounds pretty darn decent to me) and that a woman who can understand and appreciate your honesty.

 

In response to your question about holding the door open for a girl, there's a whole thread somewhere around here that deals with that thought, and it includes men and women from a couple of different continents, even!

 

:) Don't play by rules unless they're rules that work for you. Being true to yourself is the best bet.

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Never had a woman say "egad" to me before!

 

Hey, I'm totally in agreement with what you're saying. I'm unabashedly me, and have an (occasionally awful) habit of not really caring if other people can handle that or not.

 

That said, in my admittedly short dating life in this country, I find myself constantly shooting myself in the foot for "breaking some fundemental rule or another" that I'm unaware exists. Like my ex - I figured that two months of monogamy made her my girlfriend, and apparantly that wasn't the case. (This fact was backed up by two female friends, who both felt that you're not an "item" until you've had "the talk") Stuff like that.

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2SidestoStories

hehe

originally posted by Gaz Never had a woman say "egad" to me before!

 

:cool:

 

I tend to be unabashedly me as well. Personally I don't see any reason as to why I shouldn't be.

 

I'm pretty much constantly breaking rules, or rewriting them as I go along. It's a good way to do things, so long as I'm not stepping on too many toes. Of course, if I don't break them, I don't usually find out they're there! :eek:

 

Maybe...going entirely out on a limb here...you aren't dating the "right kind of woman!" <shrug> I have no idea what that statement may actually mean. Just sounded like a good thing to say!

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Blonde, cute, thin, mid 20s... You mean to say that these may not be the right kind of woman?! As a wise person once said...

 

EGAD! :p

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2SidestoStories

:lmao:

 

Well, as a point to note...I'm mid 20s myself, but neither blonde nor "thin" by common standards. Cute, well...that's in the eye of the beholder.

 

Indeed. EGAD

 

(Not to imply that you would date me, anyway! :lmao:

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poor gaz. sorry you're having so many problems here. look, i'll tell ya like it is b/c altho i'm a straight chic myself, i don't have a clue what most women want. first they want to work and be liberated with the same options as men. then they want to be pampered and babied. you can't even call their privates by the name which they themselves have used them as without a violent argument.

 

so here's the deal:

a) don't be too nice, or the girl will take ya for a p#$$y.

b) buy her stuff. that i can't explain.

c) pretend she is funny.

d) act as tho she is the only woman that can ever fully satisfy you.

e) pretend her bratty "Marsha Brady" moments are cute.

f) piss her off once a week to keep her from getting bored.

g) never forget to pay her for sex (he he)

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2SidestoStories

:lmao:

 

Oh, songwriter! You have tickled my funny bone quite nicely. Thanks.

 

Really, Gaz...maybe this songwriter person has a point...

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2SidestoStories
Really? And what makes you think that *I* would reach your hopefully lofty standards?!

 

Hmmm...do you still have the accent? Cause I'm a sucker for accents.... :p

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a) don't be too nice, or the girl will take ya for a p#$$y.

(They're usually too busy laughing at my vast amount of backhair to notice that)

 

b) buy her stuff. that i can't explain.

(I do. Shots of tequila mostly!)

 

c) pretend she is funny.

(After the fifth shot, she usually is, actually!)

 

d) act as tho she is the only woman that can ever fully satisfy you.

(I think this comes naturally to most blokes... Ms. Right Now syndrome!)

 

e) pretend her bratty "Marsha Brady" moments are cute.

(Dah-ling, the way you puked all over my carpet adds so MUCH to my home!)

 

f) piss her off once a week to keep her from getting bored.

(This comes very naturally. Actually, it doesn't, this is where I go wrong.)

 

g) never forget to pay her for sex (he he)

(The honour of playing host to the Mighty Irish Sausage™ is all the payment she needs...!)

 

And yes, I most certainly do have the accent. In fact it has been described to me recently as.. how did it go again... "Chocolate for the ears"! Hah!!

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Like my ex - I figured that two months of monogamy made her my girlfriend, and apparantly that wasn't the case. (This fact was backed up by two female friends, who both felt that you're not an "item" until you've had "the talk") Stuff like that.

 

That's just silly. If it were me and I discovered that some person was playing by 'rules', I'd flee. Any woman who sleeps with a man for two months but refuses to think of herself as a girlfriend has got to be a couple sandwiches short of a picnic. I'm with Beth on this - I think you're hunting in the wrong field.

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2SidestoStories

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Wow....I'm sure this laughter must be good exercise for the belly, as mine is nearly cramping from the amount of sheer giggling!

 

Oh, btw Gaz...I'm not meaning to laugh at your problems. Quite frankly, it's actually at your responses! Methinks you have plenty going for you, in spite of your professed "keg."

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gaz, you're cute. that's the way i normally view funny guys, so altho i can't see ya, i'm sure you are hot. i can't figure out why these insane women are giving you problems. what kind of old fashioned republicans are you surrounding yourself with? perhaps it's the ladies you date that have the problem. they should be submitting to your rules. so just tell to drop to their knees.

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Actually, I'm on a hunting hiatus at the moment, although there's this one cutie that I have my eye on (see here for more details!) having almost (ALMOST!) decided that women just aren't worth my precious, precious energy at the moment.

 

Maybe I should switch sides and bat for the other team... as my gay friend Alan keeps telling me "A holeth a hole, thweety!"

 

Nah, maybe not...

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gaz, you're cute. that's the way i normally view funny guys, so altho i can't see ya, i'm sure you are hot. i can't figure out why these insane women are giving you problems. what kind of old fashioned republicans are you surrounding yourself with?

 

Damn! (Checks to see how far it is North Carolina!) Frankly I'm not bad looking at all... shaved head, goatee... short, but kinda looks like Colin Farrell a wee bit (if you've seen Daredevil....)

 

I tried telling this one girl I was seeing to just drop to her knees, and I ended up with a restraining order. Very messy. Think I'll try and be more subtle... hehe.

 

In all seriousness tho, I think that the area I'm in has a lot to do with it. Friends of mine from different parts of America all think that dating in DC is a nightmare compared to the places they're from. Probably due mostly to it's mainly transient nature. Of the 5 million people living around here, I think only about a hundred were actually born here! But at least there's a guy in the White House that makes me look like Einstein.

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I don’t know if this will help, but what you wrote reminds me of this book

 

Page 86. Gifts Differing by Isabel Briggs

Extraverted thinkers construct a code of rules embodying their basic judgments about the world.

 

Everything that conforms to the rules will be right; everything that violates them will be wrong; and everything not covered by them will be unimportant.

 

The basic mistake here is the infliction of one’s own judgment on other people. Judging types should use their judgment on themselves, not on others.

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2SidestoStories
Heh, I'm but a wee lad at 5'7.

 

Ah, alas...perhaps the sentiment of "lofty" ought to have a whole new meaning....I'm nearly 5'11! :p

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2SidestoStories

;)

 

Depends on who's prone!

 

And actually I've been known to date shorter men...so speaking from experience, I'd have to say....leave it to your imagination! :confused:

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