Teen First-time cheat :( :( :(

[Mr_Jaco]

Hey all.... 17yo guy here...

 

(sorry about wall of text, but please read)

 

Recently cheated on my beautiful gf of 3-months with a friend-of-a-friend when completely trashed bordering on blackout drunk (NOT trying to make excuses) at the friend's party (gf was on holiday). I really didn't know the chick well, and from what I can remember, didn't particularly enjoy the experience. I do know that the chick wanted me really bad all night, but I KNOW for a FACT I wasn't interested in her at all, I didn't even WANT this girl... I just wanted my girl.. I missed her tonnes... I seriously don't know how it happened I'm really not the guy to do this... I'm a relationship's guy... I love my girl more than anything, we're such a good match, and I'll never find another like her... and if I lose her, I don't think I'd be able to stand it, I would be completely destroyed.

 

I'm not trying to excuse myself, I know what I did was totally totally wrong. I'm totally torn up, I hate myself, and I'm in so much pain. But I know that chances are I'll never see that girl again, and I want to avoid causing my gf any pain. I know that the self-doubt etc. my confession will cause would really really break her (low self-esteem issues and things). She's a very private and solitary person, and have been working very hard to try and gain her trust (WHICH MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE :( ) and help her feel comfortable with me. I love her too much to lose her over such a STUPID STUPID mistake on my behalf... And I know I will never do anything like it again. Like I said, I'm really not that kind of guy, and I don't even know how it happened this time. It makes no sense.

 

My morals tell me I should be honest, and tell my gf everything, and pray she understands me enough to know I love her totally and completely, and give me a chance to redeem myself. But I also think that I can avoid causing anyone anyone else unnessecary pain by keeping this within myself. I am confident that I'll never cheat again (even more so now that I've experienced this guilt-ridden pain)

 

Please share you're opinions on what I should do... But please don't tell me that what I did was wrong etc. I don't need a lecture, I just need help. I know that no-one knows what happened, I'm the only one who can let it out. I just need to tell someone, and get feedback... I'm totally unsure what to do, this is a first (AND LAST I SWEAR BY MY LIFE) thing for me... *cry*

 

Also feel free to ask questions.

[Citizen Erased]

1. What did you do with the other girl?

2. Never say never. You may think now that you will never do this again but you're 17, a bit early to be making such promises to yourself or anyone. You feel awful now because you're guity but that won't last I'm sure.

[Mr_Jaco]

I can't be totally sure... I checked the bin in the morning, found a condom. Just assume the worst and say a bit of a 'home run' situation I think....

 

I won't say you're right here, and I won't say you're wrong. You're right, I am 17, but I'm smart and very mature for my age (as incredibly STUPID that sounds given my current situation....) I can't predict the future, but I can say for sure this will never happen again anytime soon. Maybe one day when I'm old and somehow in a ****ty marriage or something I dunno, I'm not concerned about such distant events at the moment...

[Citizen Erased]

Then you need to tell your girlfriend everything. A kiss would have been one thing, sex is another. You owe it to her to make the choice of being with you after this.

[O'Malley]

--Lay off the booze binges, seriously. It's fine to have some drinks, and most people have been buzzed or tipsy at some point, but what you're doing is dangerous to your health (alcohol poisoning). Plus it obviously leads you to do some pretty stupid behavior.

 

--Get yourself to your doctor or a public health clinic and get some STI tests done. Even with a condom, you're not guaranteed 100% protection.

 

---Tell your girlfriend (yeah, what you didn't want to hear) because there's a good chance if you don't tell her, someone else will. She might break up with you either way, but chances are she would be far more angry and betrayed if she found out from someone else.

 

---Even if you're an atheist, pray to the gods that this girl isn't pregnant, or your relationship will be the least of your troubles. I'm cynically curious if she was as intoxicated as you.

[Mr_Jaco]

Yeah... That was the most I'd had to drink in a long while. And I've definitely been persuaded to not drink so much again...

 

Yep, will do...

 

*sigh* I guess that is the way to go. All I can do is hope for the best.

 

Yeah, she was plenty damn drunk. And on the pill. I know that's not a 100% thing, but you're right, pray to the gods that the condom and pill are enough that I'm not in it even deeper than present...

 

****, I'm soo ****ING STUPID! I was so happy, and I've managed to **** UP EVERYTHING I HAD. I should be ****ing shot. Thanks for the replies. Anyone else?

[lamaman3]

Mr. Jaco - I am going to disagree with everyone here - if youre girlfriend is a solitary person with low self esteem than telling her could cause her alot of pain...If youre committed to staying with her and you know this wont happen again and no one else knows about this then just dedicate yourself to being a great boyfriend and giving her good feelings. Youre 17 - she wont be the girl youre going to marry, let her have a good time and good feelings with you now instead of just spreading pain and bad feelings around because of "honesty."

 

Also consider whether you really should be in a LTR at this stage in your life when you still have alot of exploring to do.

[O'Malley]

Also consider whether you really should be in a LTR at this stage in your life when you still have alot of exploring to do.

 

A good point, and I don't think it would be a big deal if this was just some silly smooch. It's not about a rigid principle of total honesty (which is unrealistic anyway) but the fact that he should at least give her the choice to be with him or not. I don't think he should flagellate himself in the public square, but he should do the right thing for her.

 

As far as disclosure, it's teenage dynamics -- there is a good chance that she will find out what happened, either through rumor or someone at the party (including the girl he slept with). He can lie by omission, but she still might pick up that something is wrong, that he's acting guilty or distancing himself from her, and then she may react to that by believing she has done something to upset him. And that would be unfair to her.

 

She's going to be a lot more devastated when she finds out from other sources, because it's going to look like the OP doesn't feel guilty, that he's only concerned about covering his a$$. If he wants to gamble on her not finding out, go ahead -- but he's going to look twenty times worse when the crap hits the fan.

[samsungxoxo]

Yes you do need to tell your g/f everything since you're not even sure if you had sex with the other girl or not. Do get tested too.

 

Now if you clearly have no memory on this whatsoever, then wouldn't the girl be charged for assault?? Not convinient having sex or any sexual act without the person's consentment.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not trying to excuse myself, I know what I did was totally totally wrong. I'm totally torn up, I hate myself, and I'm in so much pain. But I know that chances are I'll never see that girl again, and I want to avoid causing my gf any pain.

 

Then break up with her. She will be hurt, but when she is away from you for a time the pain will go away, she can heal, and move on hopefully to someone that won't do this to her.

 

 

I know that the self-doubt etc. my confession will cause would really really break her (low self-esteem issues and things). She's a very private and solitary person, and have been working very hard to try and gain her trust (WHICH MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE :( ) and help her feel comfortable with me.

 

Another reason why you need to break up with her. You say you are trying to gain her trust. Well gee, great way to do that is to go out and screw around with another girl:rolleyes:

 

You don't know what trust is yet. Leave her alone. And when you mature and figure out what trust, respect, and committment are, then when you do find someone, DON'T CHEAT!

 

 

I love her too much to lose her over such a STUPID STUPID mistake on my behalf

 

If you loved her, you wouldn't have cheated on her, drunk or not.

 

And don't try to lessen the severity of your actions by trying to say it was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

 

... And I know I will never do anything like it again. Like I said, I'm really not that kind of guy

 

Uh, apparantly you are, otherwise you wouldn't have done it in the first place.

 

 

and I don't even know how it happened this time. It makes no sense.

 

It makes sense. Again, you did it because you wanted to do it and being drunk is not an excuse. You are trying to excuse away why you did it as if you didn't remember. You had amnesia right?

 

 

My morals tell me I should be honest, and tell my gf everything, and pray she understands me enough to know I love her totally and completely, and give me a chance to redeem myself. But I also think that I can avoid causing anyone anyone else unnessecary pain by keeping this within myself. I am confident that I'll never cheat again (even more so now that I've experienced this guilt-ridden pain)

 

You tell her and let the chips fall where they may. If you can't be honest with her, you don't love her and have nothing.

 

 

Please share you're opinions on what I should do... But please don't tell me that what I did was wrong etc. I don't need a lecture

 

Nice defensive attitude. You are going to get criticism along with advice. And an attitude like that says, "i don't want to hear it, save your breath, talk to the hand".

 

I didn't, however, tell you what you did was wrong, but pointed out the fallacy in your thinking as far as whether to tell or not and your idea that it was a mistake.

 

 

I just need help. I know that no-one knows what happened, I'm the only one who can let it out. I just need to tell someone, and get feedback... I'm totally unsure what to do, this is a first (AND LAST I SWEAR BY MY LIFE) thing for me... *cry*

 

Also feel free to ask questions.

 

Like I said, tell her what happened. You think she won't find out? Don't ever think that. There is one other person that knows and you can't be sure she isn't going to tell anyone and tell them, "don't tell anyone".

 

But tell your gf not because you think she will or won't find out, but because you OWE her that. She doesn't deserve a bf that is going to lie to her and keep her in the dark about how you are, much less deserve a bf that cheats.

 

Also, if you refuse to tell her because you think nobody will find out, then you CANNOT say without a doubt that you will never cheat again. Because with that mindset, you WILL cheat if the perfect opportunity arises where you think she will never find out. Don't say it isn't so either.

 

So tell her and suffere the consequences. THEN, and only then, will you learn from it and can really say you won't ever do it again, if thats even possible.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can't be totally sure... I checked the bin in the morning, found a condom. Just assume the worst and say a bit of a 'home run' situation I think....

 

 

Bull, you know what happened. Don't try to blame it on drunken amnesia.

 

I have been all kinds of drunk before and NEVER did I not know what I was doing or what I did.

 

And how do you know nobody else knows about what you and this girl did if you say you don't remember anything?

 

The excuses here are getting inconsistent.

[Drainpipe]

Recently cheated on my beautiful gf of 3-months with a friend-of-a-friend when completely trashed bordering on blackout drunk (NOT trying to make excuses) at the friend's party (gf was on holiday).

 

Don't mean to sound like an a**hole, but I despise people who try to use this as a defense or a reason why their crime should be looked on more favourably or that their consequences should be less severe.

 

You may only be 17 but you know what excessive amounts of alcohol does and you are old enough to realise what can happen if you are irresponsible with booze.

 

Also, I believe for you to even be close to promising you'll never do it again, you need to really get a wake up call. If she doesn't break up with you (which I'm guessing she will), you are going to be spending a LOT, and I mean a LOOOOT of time getting that trust back. You must realise that you will never be able to go to a party without her, because she will be worried you are doing something wrong by her.

 

I would recommend you tell her, because if you spend a lot longer with this girl, you are going to begin to feel very guilty about this at some point. Do the right thing and tell her, and let her make the decision. If you really love her, that is the best course of action.