Butterfly01 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 My bf and I broke up recently but have agreed to remain friends. We were best friends for years before we dated briefly. He just started a new relationship and now has pretty much broken off complete contact with me -- a few generic emails and texts, but we never really talk anymore -- he always found time to talk every day before. Now he says he's too busy with work and trying to find time for his new gf. Okay, I know that a new relationship is all encompassing and you are in that honeymoon period where you want to spend every minute with your new significant other -- but can you/should you just ignore your friends -- people who have been in your life for years? It hurts that he can just cut me off completely like this -- it's like he just doesn't care anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
SierraRose Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 IMO once the friendship has crossed over, you can never go back to a platonic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I think someone put up a thread yesterday where the circumstances were different but the basic message was the same. I had to go through this as well but we all have to understand that an ex has the right to move on and their priorities change. Of course that's not pleasant but what other option is there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfly01 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 I'm not saying that my ex should not move on -- he already has a new gf who he told me "you would really like, she's a lot like you". What I'm saying is that friendship should endure, even through relationships. He and I have been through so much together, we have a long history and were so close -- and I am just having trouble with the fact that he could toss our friendship aside so easily. We will all have many relationships in our lives, but our friends and family are there through it all -- I care deeply for him and only want the best for him, he has always known this. Can you just stop having feelings for a friend when a new love comes into your life???? That just seems wrong to me -- I hold my friends in much higher regard and would never compromise a friendship like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldstar Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 We will all have many relationships in our lives, but our friends and family are there through it all -- I care deeply for him and only want the best for him, he has always known this. Can you just stop having feelings for a friend when a new love comes into your life???? That just seems wrong to me -- I hold my friends in much higher regard and would never compromise a friendship like that. I don't think his feelings for you have changed, but his priorities have changed. Anytime you meet someone new, very often we neglect our friends. He will come back to you in time, but the best thing now is not to focus on him, but on you. I know you are hurting from the break-up and the loss of him as a friend now is more hurtful. Time will be an ally to you as will finding a new guy to date. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 We will all have many relationships in our lives, but our friends and family are there through it all -- I care deeply for him and only want the best for him, he has always known this. Can you just stop having feelings for a friend when a new love comes into your life???? That just seems wrong to me -- I hold my friends in much higher regard and would never compromise a friendship like that. I agree with Goldstar. he is focusing on something else for the moment, I'm sure he will come back to your life. friends sometimes disappear for a little while and come back again and everything is back to normal Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 What I'm saying is that friendship should endure, even through relationships. He and I have been through so much together, we have a long history and were so close -- and I am just having trouble with the fact that he could toss our friendship aside so easily. Okay, settle back and be patient. He hasn't tossed your friendship aside and he hasn't stopped having feelings for you - not in the sense of friendship anyway. Not yet. You could complain more forcefully if he said 'I don't want to see you or you to contact me again' which is what you're in danger of happening if you begin to resent his current situation and fight for more time. What is happening at the moment is that your friendship is unbalanced - and it has changed from what it was. Think about it, there is no real way you can go back to being as close and have as much contact as you had. That situation would be like that even if your relationship had remained platonic. Once you cross the boundary of close physical intimacy it changes things and he is simply trying to re-contextualise your relationship in the right place where it should be. That takes some time. If he didn't want any contact with you or he didn't want to talk to you, it would be clear he's dropped you. But you need to be patient. What he's trying to do is resolve an inner conflict of his friendship with you and making sure that his GF feels secure and safe about you and his previous friendship with you. You need to understand this because you will need to accept her simply because with him, she is now part of the package even though she is not your friend. Your acceotance of her and the situation will go a long way to making him feel secure about your friendship. This happened to me around 18 months ago. My best friend and I had respective partners and we were dumped at the same time (well, a couple weeks apart). We both had considerable difficulty and we were both really hurt. But we leaned on each other for support and it was really nice to have each other there for that. Unfortunately we crossed the line into 'relationship' very briefly. It changed things for a little while. Then I took a step back because I knew without doubt he wasn't the partner I was looking for. I knew what I wanted and his lifestyle is vastly different from mine. Miraculously he agreed and we remained friends. We were really close at the time of our respective breakups. Eventually, he met someone else and I made a conscious decision to stay single because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. Over the last 18 months our friendship has changed. But the significant thing is, it has endured. We don't talk every day. He's currently away serving with the UN so we don't see each other. But the thing is, I know I'm really important to him because of the things we talk about and the support we give each other. Over the last couple of months his relationship has settled into the 'nice and comfy' phase and he was worried that his GF was getting bored with him. I talked him through it and he felt better. Yesterday he told me he had a secret to share - he asked his GF to look for a ring when she talked about taking the relationship further. I'm the only person he has told (he hasn't even told his brother who is on active service with him) that before he gets home, he intends to buy the ring she chooses and proposes to her. Those things amongst others point out to me that although we don't have regular one on one contact all the time, I'm still his best friend. Recently I started dating again (someone I have dated previously and who knew my friend) and my friend was over the moon for me. He's talked to me a lot about my approach to guys and how I push them away. He knows he was the only guy really who I didn't push away and learned to trust enough to be friends with. So... the moral of my story to you is, be patient. Hang in there and don't pressure him. But also be aware that things will change and in order for you to maintain your friendship, you will need to change with them. The secret to a lasting and successful relationship with either a friend or significant other is learning how to deal with and adapt to change. Your reward will come when you prove your worth. If you cut him off and change in your approach to him, all it will do is give him a reason to end the friendship because you will have become the person that he doesn't like anymore. Have faith in yourself too. You can do this, it will just take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
steveraves Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 IMO once the friendship has crossed over, you can never go back to a platonic relationship. I tend to agree with this response. When your friends, develp a relationship, and go back to being friends. I think it's difficult. Probably more so for guys. I also think this applies for men and women. He's found a new GF so he may not have a problem with you, but she may. This would also apply to you. If you found a new BF he may have a problem with you keeping in touch with him. I think this applies even if there wasn't a relationship. Alot of girls don't want their BF talking to other girls, and a lot of guys don't want their GF talking to another guy. So maybe he's having second thoughts and it's too difficult for him to maintain a friendship with you because of your previous relationship or he may be honoring his current GF wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Frankasy Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I've said it before, friendship can be turned into love but not love into friendship. You can't shake someone's hand when you used to kiss him before, you can't grab a cup of coffee and have a normal chat when you used to hug each other etc etc. Staying friends with ex-s is always a bad bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I've said it before, friendship can be turned into love but not love into friendship. You can't shake someone's hand when you used to kiss him before, you can't grab a cup of coffee and have a normal chat when you used to hug each other etc etc. Staying friends with ex-s is always a bad bad idea. maybe a bad idea in your experience but not the same rules apply to everyone. some people are able compartmentalise. there are times when you both accept that a relationship is over (sometimes it's ages after the break up, sometimes sooner) but you recognise how much that person had contributed to your life and you can't just throw that away. it will depend of course on how the relationship itself ended I'm not saying meeting up with exes a lot is a good idea but keeping in touch, having the odd email/text/facebook chat is absolutely fine as long as you both understand that this is how far it goes. a lot of people have the ability to be mature about this Link to post Share on other sites
OtherSide Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well, you should question the role of friends vs. relationships. Although your friend may seem to ignore you now, think of when you were dating. Perhaps he had other ex's that were his friends. Friends are like the crust in the pie of life; they hold it together. However, relationships are like the filling; not neccessary if you just want crust. However, a pies not a pie withoutit, y'know? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well, you should question the role of friends vs. relationships. Although your friend may seem to ignore you now, think of when you were dating. Perhaps he had other ex's that were his friends. Friends are like the crust in the pie of life; they hold it together. However, relationships are like the filling; not neccessary if you just want crust. However, a pies not a pie withoutit, y'know? mmmmmm....you just made me hungry! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 You should understand that he had a friendship with you and in that friendship he got female input among other things. You took it to the next level and it didn't work. Now he has a new girlfriend and what he needs from a female in his life he is getting from her now. It isn't that you aren't friends. Or that he thinks less of you, etc. But he has a hole in his life that was once filled by you and is now filled by her. She gets the female friend time and he gets the extra benefits of the girlfriend as well. You would only have a shot of having the friendship back if he wasn't dating someone and even then it would be shoved aside as soon as he got a new girlfriend. Trust me - I am in the same situation with my brother. He is one of my best friends and we used to talk all the time. As soon as he started dating this new girl - that went waaaaaaaay down and now that he is married that is where it stays. It isn't that we're not friends anymore. And certainly we are family so we will always be in each others lives. But he has a woman that gives him everything including best friendship. You aren't related so you should expect that you would eventually be pushed out so to speak anyway. It is just the way it is. He is going to be closest to his girlfriend or eventually his spouse. And everyone will come second especially friends - or at least they will if it is a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 IMO once the friendship has crossed over, you can never go back to a platonic relationship. This, especially if sex was involved. It just doesn't work unless the people involved are messed up and I do not know of a single person in real life, myself included, that has tried and had it work. (just kidding to those who can make it work....but you people aren't normal:D) The funny thing is that the guy may sorta ignore you now but if he breaks up with his woman he will suddenly be back. That to me is using a person as a crutch, not seeing them as a true friend. It really comes down to how tolerant you are of that stuff I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
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