vulcan Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Ok I have posted allover the pplace for different questions. This question is for those who have been sexualy abused in childhood. My ex was raped at 14 she now became a call girl escort. How big of an impact being raped have on her decission to do this sort of thing? Does being sexualy abused obscure logical rational normal thinking about sex and things like prostitution? And at what point does one finally say to themselves hey this is crazy what Iam doing I need help. My ex has admitted she needed help yet when i tried to help her she refussed on all levels even though i told her Iwould support and be with her every step of the way. She completly shut me out refusssed my help. So why admit that you do need help or at least acknowlege that something is amiss yet don't make any attempt to seek help for yourself? I do not understand this. I would love tohelp her but she has complety shut me out blocked me from her e-mails and evrything. Is there anything I can do now? I feel so sorry and bad for her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I know you want to help, but you can't save her. She has to hit her rock bottom and WANT to change, get her life back on track, only then will she get the professional help, and seek counselling. You can't save someone or help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Yes, her rape has alot to do with how she is now, the choices she makes and the way she thinks/reacts to things. Right now this lifestyle is all she knows and noone is going to take that away from her, even if deep down she knows it's wrong for her. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 My ex was raped at 14 she now became a call girl escort. So why admit that you do need help or at least acknowlege that something is amiss yet don't make any attempt to seek help for yourself? I do not understand this. I feel so sorry and bad for her. She can't get help unless she is ready to face what happened to her and deal with it. It takes a really long time to see it for what it is though. Like you know you're messed up and you want to be normal and have normal relationships and all but until it clicks that this could be the reason why she has screwed up thinking she won't seek help. It's nice that you want to help her and all but she needs to do this by herself for herself. And until she thinks she's worth anything more than just a lay chances are she won't even care enough about herself to get the help she needs to make a better life. Deep down she doesn't believe she deserves anything more than the life she has now. And you know why? Because some grown man devalued her worth as a person. Also too she may have gotten a lot of thinking on life from a wounded child's perspective. Emotionally she may have been stunted at the age it occured so in some aspects she is probably like dealing with a child. If you care about her you should let her know and if you want to get through to her just be as understanding as you can. Let her know you think she's something special and don't give up on her just yet. If you want to help her through this it won't be easy for either of you, I can guarantee that, but if you want to help her you can do it by being there for her. And yes to your question. Abuse gives a person the ability to detach themselves from situations they find difficult to deal with. An abused person can cut themselves off from others easily as well so if you stay you will have your work cut out for you. You will need a lot of patience, love and understanding in dealing with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vulcan Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Well I admit being very very frystrated and being hurt from what she has done has taken a toll on me to the point that I have said some harsh things toher. Of course I didn't mean them but my emotions got the best of me. We had a realtionship for a year so I feel involved or at the very least still concerned about her well being. I have tried to help and yes she cut me out of her life. The more I stressed that I wanted to help and the more I tried to tell her she was special and deserved soo much more and that she is worth something the more it seemd she withdrew from me. She has completly cut me out of her life now. I would of course support her if she wanted help. I am stuck because I am helpless because she has removed me from her life. Having that being done has hurt me very much and I have no idea what she is into or doing with herself. I just feel so bad and sorry for her and wish I could just keep her here and take care of her and get her the help she needs. I hate the men that take advantage of her and I hate knowing she is destroying herself like that. And there is nothing I can do :-( Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 And there is nothing I can do :-( Sure there is. You can stop trying to change her and just accept she is who she is. That's a start. If you speak to her don't ask questions about her work or anything. No judgment. If it bothers you to think of what she does and who she's with let her know but don't give her crap about it. She's had enough crap in her life. So you can tell her it bothers you that she isn't doing more with her life or something but don't make it about your feelings. I'm sorry to say that if you hurt her by saying rude things to her then maybe you aren't the one she needs to be leaning on right now. She probably cut you off knowing you're not good for her. Could what you said be considered verbal abuse? Because if it could it's probably best if you just leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vulcan Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 I said some thing thatwere not nice but to try and get her to see what or how other peopl ewould see things as. I really doubt I will ever hearback from her. The last time we spke was in AUG so I highly doubt she will ever come to me even though when we did talk before she told me I was the only one who really knew her Oh well I dunno Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Well, she didn't see it that way. Mot likely she just saw it as yet another male being abusive to her, ansd trying to manipulate her...... So basically, in a way, you helped underpin her behaviour. I know you didn't mean to, but there are times when such responses or approaches are simply counterproductive at best and recklessly foolish at worst. Move on. Live your life. She's living hers. If you ever see her again, or she comes back into your life again - Take it from there - not here. Link to post Share on other sites
artbrat Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I was sexually abused by a stepfather. He and my birthmother were alcohol/drug abusers. It took many years to find the proper therapy for this very specific problem. I sought out help with good therapists with great intentions. But it was the cognitive type for depression or anxiety - although those things are ever present. I have a wonderful therapist that uses schema and mindful techniques and self awareness of what happened. All of the unhealthy feelings and behavior I suffer are somehow linked back to the abuse. I didn't want to believe it for a long time, blew it off, thinking, so what? It's done and over It's a cop out to blame abuse, etc. I buried it neatly in a closed compartment. I never cried - no matter how sad I was. It wasn't until a vivid memory came back and I totally freaked that I was lead to this path of healing. I'm gay. As far back as I remember, I knew I was gay. My sexual orientation was NOT sparked by abuse from a man. A person that suffered abuse (sexual or otherwise) needs to find a therapist that specializes in that area. Otherwise, it's a waste of time and money. Abuse rocks the core of your existence. My anxiety, depression and human interactions are linked to what happened 30+ years ago. It's hard work and the abuse will always be a part of my life. But I have hope now. I get it now. Wish I knew this years ago. Hope this helps anyone that suffered childhood abuse at the hands of an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 artbrat - ((hugs.)) That's all I can say. Words are superfluous. Link to post Share on other sites
artbrat Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Thank you for the (()) Geishawelk. Yes this journey was/is a struggle but I'm empowered to forge ahead. My peace comes from helping others. I'm an advocate/mentor to an "at risk" teen in foster care. My childhood was a cake walk compared to this young man's. He is my hero! ~peace and love Link to post Share on other sites
xAdDiktiOn Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 i was raped by my best guy friend also my brother's bestfriend so he's always around. he didnt rip my whatever so im still technically a "virgin". and it kills me to even hug another guy. honestly, my skin crawls when a guy even touches me. it makes it difficult to have a relationship or even forget about what happened. i will never forgot but i am considering being a stripper just because i need the money. so i don't know what her situation is but if you need to talk more you can message me on this thing ? idk if you can actually do that cause i'm new on here but my aol screen name is x AdDiktiOn Link to post Share on other sites
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