GF and other Men

[bigproblems]

Hey everyone,

 

Im sure my subject line gives you all a good idea of what my post is about, but let me give a couple details.

 

My gf and I have been together about a year and a half now and are living together now about 8 months. Our relationship is both very good, and very bad at times. I love her dearly, and I am sure that she is attracted to me and likes me deeply, but I am not sure her affection goes much deeper for me than that. She says she loves me, but I often have a hard time understanding her love for me.

 

She told me when we moved in together that she had been seing her ex bf while we were together. In a completely plutonic way she says, but none the less she never informed me of it, never mentioned him, and it wasn't until I strait up asked her if he was in her circle of friends did she tell me. In the start of our relationship, this ex bf had caused some problems for us. I also found that she was keeping contact with people whom which she had sexual flings with in her past. After a lot of debate and discussion about this topic, she assured me that she didn't feel the need to keep these people in her life anymore, and would rather focus her attention on me than other men.

 

Great. Our relationship continues, and after a while she starts to hang out with another guy. This guy, she says that she has never been with sexually, and that they are just friends. This, I don't have so much of a problem with, I don't mind her having male friends... But, it gets a little more complicated.

 

She never includes me in their time together, usually it consists of her and him, and they do their own thing. She says that they go to play tennis, or ride bikes in the park together, or just hang out and do whatever... She says that because I work during the days, that she cant fit me into their schedule together. I have a hard time understanding why she can't just wait for me to get home, and we all go out together...

 

One of the things that really bothers me about their relationship is that they will often smoke pot together. I can't say too much about this, because I smoke it too, and we both smoke it together... But, I find it a bit daunting to think of her out getting loaded with this other guy. They have also spent time drinking together as well. He has also given her presents, etc.

 

Now, its not like this is once a month, or once every now and then. Its a couple times a week they go out alone together. They text, email, and talk to each other too. The only thing that bothers me really, is that she goes out with him alone, without me. I hate this, and it has been a sticking point in our relationship for some time now. I often dont say anything to her, but when I find out she had spent the day with this other guy I often turn bitter and resentful of her.

 

Last night, was a turning point. We got into a huge argument about this, and it was too the point where are relationship was put on the line. I told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going out alone with other men. I told her that its not this guy in particular, but that she seeks to spend time with men outside of our relationship. She says that she feels its normal and completely ok to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I agree, but I feel like she is crossing a line of respect for our relationship. Her excluding me from their time together, them getting loaded together, and them going out together so often makes me extremely un comfortable in our relationship.

 

As a side note, she has had a rather promiscuous past. And while I try not to judge her because of it, or use it against her, one of the things she told me is that she would often sleep with her "friends" in her past. She told me that often her male friends would come out and tell her that they loved her, or wanted to be with her, etc and she would end up sleeping with them. While I don't think that casual sex is bad, or having sexual experiences with people who are close to you is bad, I do think that she is either being a bit naive about this "friend". Knowing that she held her friends in this regard in her past has put a giant dent in how I see her current friendship with men. She does not have a history of cheating, that I know about. But she has told me that she has cheated before, not on me, but on a bf who she was with for a couple years.

 

I love her, and I really want to make this work, but I am not sure it will. I don't feel the need to have relationships with other women outside of us, and if I did I would never feel comfortable going out with them one on one, and especially not going out and getting loaded with them. I asked how she would feel if the roles were reversed, and she said she does not know how she would feel. But I can almost 100% guarantee that it would make her jealous, but I would never put her in that situation to begin with.

 

Sorry for the extremely long post...

Thanks

[Dexter Morgan]

bigproblems,

 

Get rid of this girl. She is disrespectful, and come on. She is lying her ass off about the whole "platonic" thing.

 

She must think you are really stupid. The fact that she doesn't want to include you in any of this is all too telling.

 

get rid of her and move on with someone that doesn't want to be with other men.

[bigproblems]

Thanks for your reply. That is how I feel sometimes, as though she takes me for a fool. I do believe her, to some extent, that she has not cheated on me and that she merely wants to be friends with these people. But how she tries to keep us separated perplexes me.

 

I guess what my real question here is, do I have a right to be jealous? My gf is saying that I am controlling and am making her feel like she cant have any friends and I just want her to sit at home and twiddle her thumbs. But that is not what I want at all. I agree that I am somewhat controlling in the fact that I dont want her going out one on one with another male, or her out getting stoned with guys, but as far as her not having male friends that is not what I am out to do. If she talks to them on the phone, emails, etc I dont care. If she wanted to go out once a month I dont think I would really care as much, but the fact that it is multiple times a week just does not sit well with me.

[lamaman3]

You are handling this all wrong. It makes little difference whether you have a "right" to be jealous or not or who is "right." Life isnt fair and sometimes the person who is "right" dosent win.

 

 

Women are like cats. They will gladly come up to you and rub against you and pur and sit in your lap - but them minute you get up and try to force them to sit in your lap they will scamper away. Instead of whining to her about how she is disrespecting you and "breaking the rules," step up to the plate and be a leader. Tell her to make plans with this guy so the three of you can all hang out and smoke a blunt. Then come in with your biggest smile and pat this guy on the back and act like hes your best buddy - tell your gf you think hes really cool and you guys should all make plans regularly. Any attraction your girl will have for him is going to drop alot less than you "forbidding" her to hang out with him. Also, start getting some female friends and interesting hobbies. She should be the one competing for your attention, not vica-versa.

[bigproblems]

You are handling this all wrong. It makes little difference whether you have a "right" to be jealous or not or who is "right." Life isnt fair and sometimes the person who is "right" dosent win.

 

 

Women are like cats. They will gladly come up to you and rub against you and pur and sit in your lap - but them minute you get up and try to force them to sit in your lap they will scamper away. Instead of whining to her about how she is disrespecting you and "breaking the rules," step up to the plate and be a leader. Tell her to make plans with this guy so the three of you can all hang out and smoke a blunt. Then come in with your biggest smile and pat this guy on the back and act like hes your best buddy - tell your gf you think hes really cool and you guys should all make plans regularly. Any attraction your girl will have for him is going to drop alot less than you "forbidding" her to hang out with him. Also, start getting some female friends and interesting hobbies. She should be the one competing for your attention, not vica-versa.

 

 

Your right, and to be honest I agree with you... But, what would you suggest if the above has already been covered? The first time I met the guy, I came home from work and they were in the house smoking together. I didn't flip, or get upset, I said whats up and we all smoked a fatty. I told her that I liked the guy, and that we should all hang out. Well, that never really happened again, and she pretty much just went out with him during the day while I was at work instead. I mentioned numerous times "Hey whats David doing, lets go out" and she would say things like "I dont know" or "I cant get in touch with him" or whatever.

 

So, now 6 months down the line she is still going out with him, and excluding me. She says that our schedules dont match, which I am sure they don't to an extent. But, does that mean that she should just go out with him and disrespect my feelings regarding it? Should she wait for both our schedules to meet up so we can all hang out?

 

I dont want to be controlling, and I get what you mean about the cat. Its true, and I agree 100% that me telling her I dont want her doing this will only make it worse. But, on the flip side her doing this is destroying me. I cant bare to think of her spending intimate one on one time with another guy, even if it is stictly platonic.

[lkjh]

Dude do you really want to be with a girl like this? She has a wild past and now she pretty much has a second bf.

[lamaman3]

Ok - you have a good and realistic perspective on this. You understand that forbidding her to do something will only make her want to do it more so thats ineffective. You also know that to a certain extent your frame is off - you are more worried about her than she is about you - and the jealousy is only lowering your value in her eyes more. Not a good place to be and I dont blame you for feeling like crap.

 

Not a good way to continue the relationship - at this point its going to be destroyed anyways...so dont give her an ultimatum - those are weak and controlling. Think like a man with options...when she disrespects you by saying your controlling and not willing to placate you - lose interest in her.

 

Its getting to the point where you are feeling crappy on a daily basis...Act like a "girl" - tell her you dont "feel right" about the relationship and something is off. Dont be jealous, dont mention dave - tell her you need some time on your own and she should find a new place to live (Im assuming the lease is in your name). If she wants you enough shell quickly forget about dave and work on winning you back. If not, let her go.

 

Edit: Judging from what you write about her smoking weed and past relationships with men - it may very well be that this is who she is and she needs this time outside of the intimate relationship to do things like smoke up with another guy and dosent want anyone telling her what to do. Thats fine - some guys willl be cool with that and she should be with them and youll find a girl thats a better match with you - so if you follow the above advice you have to mean it 100% for it to work.

[bigproblems]

thanks again for the responses.

 

But, I am curious, who would be cool with this? What guy would be up for a relationship like this?

 

I can't name one person who I know that is in a committed relationship or marriage and goes out one on one with the opposite sex multiple times a week and their partner knows about it and is cool with it.... My parents were not like that, my friends parents were not like that, I have never had a relationship like that, never had a friend who had relationships like that, my gf's parents are not like that, and even her friends are not like that. Im just curious, who would be cool with that? Would you be cool with that? I don't see how anyone could be.

 

Is it insecurity? Maybe... But, it feels as though its more of a moral thing... As in, she is crossing relationship boundaries...

[darane]

Hey everyone,

 

Im sure my subject line gives you all a good idea of what my post is about, but let me give a couple details.

 

My gf and I have been together about a year and a half now and are living together now about 8 months. Our relationship is both very good, and very bad at times. I love her dearly, and I am sure that she is attracted to me and likes me deeply, but I am not sure her affection goes much deeper for me than that. She says she loves me, but I often have a hard time understanding her love for me.

 

She told me when we moved in together that she had been seing her ex bf while we were together. In a completely plutonic way she says, but none the less she never informed me of it, never mentioned him, and it wasn't until I strait up asked her if he was in her circle of friends did she tell me. In the start of our relationship, this ex bf had caused some problems for us. I also found that she was keeping contact with people whom which she had sexual flings with in her past. After a lot of debate and discussion about this topic, she assured me that she didn't feel the need to keep these people in her life anymore, and would rather focus her attention on me than other men.

 

Great. Our relationship continues, and after a while she starts to hang out with another guy. This guy, she says that she has never been with sexually, and that they are just friends. This, I don't have so much of a problem with, I don't mind her having male friends... But, it gets a little more complicated.

 

She never includes me in their time together, usually it consists of her and him, and they do their own thing. She says that they go to play tennis, or ride bikes in the park together, or just hang out and do whatever... She says that because I work during the days, that she cant fit me into their schedule together. I have a hard time understanding why she can't just wait for me to get home, and we all go out together...

 

One of the things that really bothers me about their relationship is that they will often smoke pot together. I can't say too much about this, because I smoke it too, and we both smoke it together... But, I find it a bit daunting to think of her out getting loaded with this other guy. They have also spent time drinking together as well. He has also given her presents, etc.

 

Now, its not like this is once a month, or once every now and then. Its a couple times a week they go out alone together. They text, email, and talk to each other too. The only thing that bothers me really, is that she goes out with him alone, without me. I hate this, and it has been a sticking point in our relationship for some time now. I often dont say anything to her, but when I find out she had spent the day with this other guy I often turn bitter and resentful of her.

 

Last night, was a turning point. We got into a huge argument about this, and it was too the point where are relationship was put on the line. I told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going out alone with other men. I told her that its not this guy in particular, but that she seeks to spend time with men outside of our relationship. She says that she feels its normal and completely ok to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I agree, but I feel like she is crossing a line of respect for our relationship. Her excluding me from their time together, them getting loaded together, and them going out together so often makes me extremely un comfortable in our relationship.

 

As a side note, she has had a rather promiscuous past. And while I try not to judge her because of it, or use it against her, one of the things she told me is that she would often sleep with her "friends" in her past. She told me that often her male friends would come out and tell her that they loved her, or wanted to be with her, etc and she would end up sleeping with them. While I don't think that casual sex is bad, or having sexual experiences with people who are close to you is bad, I do think that she is either being a bit naive about this "friend". Knowing that she held her friends in this regard in her past has put a giant dent in how I see her current friendship with men. She does not have a history of cheating, that I know about. But she has told me that she has cheated before, not on me, but on a bf who she was with for a couple years.

 

I love her, and I really want to make this work, but I am not sure it will. I don't feel the need to have relationships with other women outside of us, and if I did I would never feel comfortable going out with them one on one, and especially not going out and getting loaded with them. I asked how she would feel if the roles were reversed, and she said she does not know how she would feel. But I can almost 100% guarantee that it would make her jealous, but I would never put her in that situation to begin with.

 

Sorry for the extremely long post...

Thanks

 

I had a similar problem that I'll explain in a minute, but first to answer your situation,

 

I would tell your girlfriend in no uncertain terms that maintaing relationships with 'ex' boyfriends is out. It's not the kind of relationship you value, you want, or need to be a part of. If two people are stupid enough to mess up a romantic relationship,, why woud they go to such great lengths to repair a friendship?

No way, no how and I wouldn't budge. Don't listen to her tell you, you're being jealous, insecure or anything like that.

There is no reason for her to interact at all, no dinners, movies, laughing email jokes or anything like that. Zip, zilch, nada.

All direction and emotional effort in the relationship should be directed to you and you alone. She has nothing to discuss with an ex except things she should be talking to you about. Her emotional energy expended on others is emotional infidelity.

 

I stayed in a relationship with a woman who insisted on remaining in contact with an ex, the occassional dinner, etc. We had a fight one night and blam, she slept with him. What does she say? "well, if we hadn't had the fight, yada, yada, yada". That's BS. If she hadn't had a ex in the waiting, it wouldn't have happened.

 

Don't back down at all dude. You're 100% right. If she even flinches at doing as you're asking, I'd walk.

[lamaman3]

thanks again for the responses.

 

But, I am curious, who would be cool with this? What guy would be up for a relationship like this?

 

I can't name one person who I know that is in a committed relationship or marriage and goes out one on one with the opposite sex multiple times a week and their partner knows about it and is cool with it.... My parents were not like that, my friends parents were not like that, I have never had a relationship like that, never had a friend who had relationships like that, my gf's parents are not like that, and even her friends are not like that. Im just curious, who would be cool with that? Would you be cool with that? I don't see how anyone could be.

 

Is it insecurity? Maybe... But, it feels as though its more of a moral thing... As in, she is crossing relationship boundaries...

 

Hey bigproblems

First of all - I dont think you can draw any conclusions about parents of your gf, friends, or your own parents - people act quite differently when they are a generation older than you and you have no idea what their relationship was like when they were youre age or what sort of issues and problems they have. ALL relationships have problems at one point or another. Most relationships dont survive and you have no idea why or why not - A relationship is constantly evolving and changing - its not as if you simply enter into a relationship and just follow the rules and all is jolly.

 

So her hanging out with this guy alot could mean a bunch of things - it could mean she feels too young or cramped or whatever to be in a relationship and wants more time to "explore." It could be her attraction for you is dropping. The problem im sure just kept getting worse the more she knew you didnt want her to do it. Maybe shes naturally rebellious and is trying to provoke something in you. Maybe for a guy who dosent give a crap about what she does - she will work to try to get his attention and please him...Who knows how she will behave in her next relationship or how that one will evolve?

 

So its not a matter of shes the person who acts like this and disrespects boundaries and no one is going to accept that. Its a matter of why she is doing this now...As I said - if youre looking for a relationship where youre SO is thinking about you all day and actively planning for your future with you - then by her behavior this girl dosent match that. Maybe shell feel like that about some guy in some future time - but maybe at this point in time she needs a "badass" who is going to bring girls home to her for 3somes. Who the hell knows? The bottom line - this is not a good position for you to be in. You dont want her to behave a certain way but she dosent care and does it anyways and that hurts you. How will you move forward now? You cant control her - you have two options - to start not caring about her as much and disengage yourself from her and see if she comes around - or to simply tell her its not working out...sucks I know because you have time invested in her - but life dosent always work out the way you want it to.

[bigproblems]

Thanks for the replies. Daranes response is what I fear the most, that after an argument one night she will end up sleeping with him, or sleeps with him for whatever reasons.

 

Im not really interested in a woman who wants to invest all her time into me, and planning the future of our relationship together. I don't mind that my gf have male friends, but her going out and spending alone time with other men seems a bit excessive. Am I over reacting to her spending time with other guys? I dont know...

 

I guess I will heed your advice, and start to pull back my feelings towards her.

 

Thanks

[Gzus]

Dude, I see huge red flags that she doesnt include you.. I would bet money there's more to it than you know. She aint gona tell you brother. You're gonna have to bust her in a lie to get anywhere.. but truthfully, I would find a girl to start hanging out with and not worry too much about where your 'girlfriend' is.. when you quit calling and pursuing, she's either gonna pursue you and drop him or she's gonna move on. Eithe way, you win. You dont want a wild cheater type and if you start acting like you're moving on, she's gonna have to make a decision.

 

But quit following her around like a puppy and letting her call the shots. If I had to bet money, I'd bet she's already screwing this dude behind your back. I mean, the chances she's not at least doing something physical with him are slim to none, otherwise there'd be no secrecy.

[manugeorge]

Relationship issues like this are so hard to work out. One on hand, it's not good for an individual to lose themself in a relationship. Having a girlfriend or a boyfriend doesn't mean you can't maintain your individuality, have your own friends, hobbies, etc, all separate from your relationship. People do this so they don't suffocate their partners. On the other hand, you don't want to compartmentalize or completely shut your partner out in the quest to maintain your identity.

 

So there is always a fine line to be walked. You conduct your business openly and honestly even if it doesn't always include your SO. I for one wouldn't keep friends that my SO doesn't approve of, then again, my SO is not the jittery irrational kind who tells me not to hang out with people, unless he has a really good reason.

 

You don't necessarily have to hang out with your SO friends all the time but you shouldn't be denied access to them either. That's part of conducting one's business with transparency. My boyfriend very rarely goes out with my group of friends, male or female, but he is often invited and always welcomed. The only time I expressly disinvite him is when we are having a girls night out.

 

You and your girlfriend needs to sit down and open the lines of communication on this topic. You both have a point. She may feel like you are treating her like a child, dictating who she hangs out with, when. Which in turn will make her dig in her heels more. But you have to CALMLY make her see that by not entertaining your concerns and working out a compromise, she is acting exactly like a child.

 

You on the other hand have to dig deeper and lay out exactly why this issue bothers you so much. You may feel disrespected but WHY? do you fear she is going to cheat on you? Do you not trust the guy in question? What exactly is your problem with not being included? Until you can articulate this rationally, you will not be able to get through to her. Who knows, in your soul searching, you may even come to the conclusion that you are overreacting.

[Treasa]

thanks again for the responses.

 

But, I am curious, who would be cool with this? What guy would be up for a relationship like this?

 

I can't name one person who I know that is in a committed relationship or marriage and goes out one on one with the opposite sex multiple times a week and their partner knows about it and is cool with it.... My parents were not like that, my friends parents were not like that, I have never had a relationship like that, never had a friend who had relationships like that, my gf's parents are not like that, and even her friends are not like that. Im just curious, who would be cool with that? Would you be cool with that? I don't see how anyone could be.

 

Is it insecurity? Maybe... But, it feels as though its more of a moral thing... As in, she is crossing relationship boundaries...

 

I guess I'm the weirdo here. My best friend is a guy, and we hang out all the time. My boyfriend isn't usually interested in what we're doing (gym, martial arts, watching Law & Order), but he knows he's welcome if he wants to hang out.

 

However, my best friend and boyfriend are also good friends. Hell, they hung out on New Year's Eve playing video games while I spent most of the evening with my Mom. But then, we aren't quite normal...

 

And no, my best friend isn't gay.

[ReeWoo]

IMO, your gf is banging the other dude. Why doesn't the other dude want to hang out with the 2 of you? Probably b/c you'd be the 3rd wheel.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Today young people have many more friends of the opposite sex. I believe that she is having sex with them. Because she purposely sees these men without you. She has had sex with most of them probably. Look let me put it to you this way. If she loved you (which she doesn't) she would not do things that compromise your trust in her. She would not do them because it causes you pain. That is what love is. Caring for the other person more then you own wants. And vice versa with them. You have two different moral compasses. She wants to play and you want exclusivity. Dump her and find a woman who thinks like you.

[bigproblems]

Im really confused...

 

On one hand the woman tell me its ok, and that I should accept it.

 

On the other hand, the guys tell me she is probably already sleeping with the guy.

 

Im not sure where I lean, but its somewhere in the middle. Look, I love this girl and I give her the benefit of the doubt. But to be honest, our relationship has been a little rocky lately, and her spending excessive amounts of time with this guy is really coming off at a bad time.

 

I dont want to be a controlling, insecure, *******. But that is how I am feeling here, like I am trying to control her. Telling her that I dont want her spending alone time with t he opposite sex, to me, does sound controlling. But, on the flip side, I don't think it should really be something I have to fight with her about.

 

She says that she just wants to play tennis, that its a hobbie, and that she is not doing anything wrong and does not feel like she should have to stop seeing him. I agree, she shouldn't have to stop seeing him, but why she cant always include me? I dont know...

[mr.dream merchant]

Im really confused...

 

On one hand the woman tell me its ok, and that I should accept it.

 

On the other hand, the guys tell me she is probably already sleeping with the guy.

 

Im not sure where I lean, but its somewhere in the middle. Look, I love this girl and I give her the benefit of the doubt. But to be honest, our relationship has been a little rocky lately, and her spending excessive amounts of time with this guy is really coming off at a bad time.

 

I dont want to be a controlling, insecure, *******. But that is how I am feeling here, like I am trying to control her. Telling her that I dont want her spending alone time with t he opposite sex, to me, does sound controlling. But, on the flip side, I don't think it should really be something I have to fight with her about.

 

She says that she just wants to play tennis, that its a hobbie, and that she is not doing anything wrong and does not feel like she should have to stop seeing him. I agree, she shouldn't have to stop seeing him, but why she cant always include me? I dont know...

 

I think there's a fundamental flaw between the two opinions of both sexes. Women are led to believe that their guy friends are real friends when in reality that guy friend of theirs has at the least, a mild attraction towards them, and all guys know this. Unless it was some hideous thing of a woman, then no, but if she's like a 6 out of 10, there will be mild attraction. And guy friends keep it on the low. That would explain why all the guys, myself included, probably think there's something going on between your GF and her buddy, especially at a rocky time in your relationship. She should be working with you on fixing your relationship, not furthering the rockiness of it by spending more time with her friend.

[lkjh]

First off girls never realize that their "friends" want to sleep with them. Second you will soon see that girls side with girls and guys side with guys. If you came on here and wrote from the opposite view every girl would post in a different manner. These guys are not your gf's friends and judging by her pass she is doing more with them. It is ok to judge someone by their people who say otherwise are hiding something from their pass.

[bigproblems]

Yea, I think you guys make some valid points. I agree that a lot of men probably have secondary intentions when it comes to female friends. I know, I have been there. It is one reason I don't keep other women in my life, because I understand all too well how friendships can often times become blurred.

 

A friend of mine told me this: Ask your gf what the guy friend would do if she were to take off all her clothes and ask him to **** her right there and now. If the guy accepts, he is not really a friend because friends dont **** friends. If he passed, then things are probably ok... I dont want it to come to that situation, but I am pretty sure that the guy wouldn't pass.

 

My GF is not a super model, but she is pretty hot. She has a great body, and a great personality, and I am sure that most any man with a penis would want to get with her.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Then you will either have to dump her or let her do it. She obviously won't quit because it hurts you.

[sugar_and_spice]

hmm it's interesting that all the guys here think that platonic relationships don't exist.

[james123]

hmm it's interesting that all the guys here think that platonic relationships don't exist.

yes. Men don't usually believe in platonic relationships.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

hmm it's interesting that all the girls here think that platonic relationships exit.

[james123]

hmm it's interesting that all the girls here think that platonic relationships exit.

I guess only women are sincere about such friendships.