GF and other Men

[Bryanp]

I guess my question to you is how would your girlfriend feel if you constantly always hung out with female friends and made it a point of excluding you? It does not sound like much of a relationship. There are huge red flags here. It does not sound like she is mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

[mark982]

buddy, it's time you man-up.you're letting her actions get way outta hand. she's crossing your boundries, and your letting it happen.why can't you get a female friend to ride bikes wiith, drink some beers, etc. and don't be bashfull about it either. if she boinks this other guy--- well it just wasn't meant to be. and she showed her true colors, as in her past actions with "friends". either way your not happy with the way things are, it's up to you to decide just how much crap to put up with.

[sugar_and_spice]

I guess only women are sincere about such friendships.

um ok:confused:

[Wildguy]

To the OP: I would definitely not tolerate that crap. Don't give her the crap of "Stop this or we are through." I would just break up with her if I were you. There are so many women out there and it's just not worth dealing with it.

 

About hanging out with her Ex while she was seeing you....... well, alot of girls will actually do that if their relationship had recently ended. They aren't sure about you yet and they'd rather string the Ex along for a while to make sure they have "someone". So, as long as she stopped that I wouldn't worry about that part.

 

The large problem is her male friends. Dont get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your girl having guy friends. And, if they are actually just her friend, they will usually stand up for you if she complains about her relationship. I have a couple of girl friends and if they complain to me about their BF's I usually defend the guys, because I know them and I know they are cool.

 

The big problem about the guy she is hanging with is, and you know it too, she only will hang out with him alone. There is one and only one reason why. The guy doesn't want to get to know you cause it'd make it hard for him to sleep with her. She also knows this and wants to keep the two of you seperated so she can essentially have two boyfriends.

 

I mean, brah. Come on. There is this dude in YOUR house gettin tore up with your girl. And he meets you, you guys hang out and have a good time right? Now he doesnt ever want to hang out with you? wtf?

 

Again, nothing wrong with her having guy friends but she is taking her "right" too far. I have no problem with my girl going out with guys alone that i've met, and on occasion, will hang out with us in a group. The ones that are really her friends will have no problem with this and actually make an effort to get to know you as well.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Like I said. Semen test kit if you want to know. if not dump her.

[Charles1978]

I wouldn't be at all happy with this. I've dated a cheater, and I can tell you that they react by calling you controlling, insecure, etc. They try to make you feel bad. Believe me, I heard it all. Then I got proof and dumped her. What pisses me off the most is that I wasted so much time with her. Do yourself a favor and move on. I have met and dated so many great girls since her, and it has healed me completely. But I hate to see guys like you with sincere concerns treated like crap. It is a bad situation to be in. Good luck with it man.

[JackhammerGemma]

Ok, a couple thoughts come to mind as I'm reading this. Not that I'm jumping to your gf's defense, but I see some of myself in her.

 

One, most of my friends are guys, and I hang out with them mostly one on one, apart from whomever I'm dating. Mainly because, for whatever reason, my bfs and guy friends sometimes don't like each other and problems have ensued. (This includes my girl pals & boyfriends not getting along too.) The result was, it became a learned habit to keep my friends and lovers apart.

 

Two, not sure that promiscuity has anything to do with it. Times I've been single, I had my share of flings but when it was time to get down to it and be monogamous, I stepped up to the plate. So maybe, if she is like me, she is more comfortable with guys...likes to keep her social & love lives separate, and is actually monogamous, until you find otherwise.

 

However (you knew one was coming!)...I do agree that if you have brought it up to her and it bothers you and she continues the behavior with no improvement or compromise in sight....yes, she is disrespecting you. I made that mistake once and regret it ever since. A guy friend was in love with me and I was with someone else. I didn't feel the same as the guy friend but I ate up the attention and presents because I felt neglected by my boyfriend. I never did anything with him or even said anything untoward that would dishonor my relationship with my boyfriend, but the time I spent with him bothered my bf and made him real sad and I did nothing to compromise or stop it. I didn't lose my bf over it but it's just something I would have handled differently if I had it to do over.

 

Just my 2 cents..good luck...

[GuerreroAzteca]

I have had the exact same problem with my GF.

 

That said I can tell you the following.

 

You are both together and in love. What that means to you is important. To me it means that she has to have respect for me as well as all the other mushy stuff. I'm a guy and it is chessy but it is what it is.

 

You have to clearly tell her what is going on period. I strongly advise you to NOT play any kind of MIND GAME and hope for results. Like not paying attention to her and expecting her to miss you and reconnect, inversely thinking that telling her not to hang out with this guy made her hang out with him more. You cannot play these games and hope for results. None of this works and is (sorry to say about the other forum responses) immature.

 

I went for 100% honesty in a very rational, elegant and articulate way.

 

SO DUDE!

 

You have to straight up sit her down or go somewhere that is meaningful to you guys and lay it out.

 

HERE IS WHAT WORKS!

 

I can only tell you what I did and hopefully you pick up your own style out of this.

 

I closed all argumentative ends for her so that all she could do is listen. Basically tell her that she may not like what you are going to say but that it is for the best of the relationship and it is to make it grow. Tell her that you could have been silly and played dissinterest in her so as to make her wonder what is going on, tell her that you could have just shut down and let things work themselves out but that they probably were not. Ultimately tell her you love her and tell her you trust her because fact is you do, the girl has your heart.

 

THIS IS A RESPECT ISSUE

 

Now really lay it out. Assume complete ignorance on her part, she is not doing anything wrong for the sake of this conversation, no blame, no attitudes need to come from you.

 

Lay out what you think. Tell her you do not think it is right for you as a male to hang out with people in ways that are not transparent and will lead people to feel disrespected. That you do not do that because you always keep her in mind.

 

Relationships are a two way street. I never did that to my GF so she either came around to not doing it or things were not really going to head in a positive direction.

 

That is all I can really say.

 

good luck.

[sandrawg]

I tend to believe that feelings are neither "wrong" nor "right." This is how you feel-you feel insecure. I would feel the same, frankly. My big problem would be that she continues to NOT include you in her friendship with this guy.

 

That's tremendously disrespectful, and it looks suspicious, frankly. How do you know she's not lying to him, telling him she's available? It all stinks, if you ask me.

 

The question is--can you bring up your insecurities with this girl, and will she validate them and try to make you feel safer? I think, given the results of your argument with her, is NO. She's being selfish and disregarding your feelings. Do you really want to stay with someone who treats you that way?

 

I wouldn't.

 

Thanks for your reply. That is how I feel sometimes, as though she takes me for a fool. I do believe her, to some extent, that she has not cheated on me and that she merely wants to be friends with these people. But how she tries to keep us separated perplexes me.

 

I guess what my real question here is, do I have a right to be jealous? My gf is saying that I am controlling and am making her feel like she cant have any friends and I just want her to sit at home and twiddle her thumbs. But that is not what I want at all. I agree that I am somewhat controlling in the fact that I dont want her going out one on one with another male, or her out getting stoned with guys, but as far as her not having male friends that is not what I am out to do. If she talks to them on the phone, emails, etc I dont care. If she wanted to go out once a month I dont think I would really care as much, but the fact that it is multiple times a week just does not sit well with me.

[sandrawg]

THIS IS A RESPECT ISSUE

 

Now really lay it out. Assume complete ignorance on her part, she is not doing anything wrong for the sake of this conversation, no blame, no attitudes need to come from you.

 

Lay out what you think. Tell her you do not think it is right for you as a male to hang out with people in ways that are not transparent and will lead people to feel disrespected. That you do not do that because you always keep her in mind.

 

Relationships are a two way street. I never did that to my GF so she either came around to not doing it or things were not really going to head in a positive direction.

 

That is all I can really say.

 

good luck.

 

Abso f'in lutely. Good advice.

[bigproblems]

Thanks you guys, all of you have made good points.

 

Over the weekend, her and I discussed these issues out right and came to the conclusion that she is spending too much time with him. She said, in a disparate tone, "fine, we will just all hang out together", and confirmed that she would not go out one on one with him anymore.

 

Great, its what I wanted, or at least what I initially wanted. But now, after this giant fight between the two of us, I don't even care. The way I see it is if she wants to see the other guy she will do it no matter what she tells me. And if she wouldn't, she would still want to be seeing him but does not to merely to appease me. Both of which I don't want.

 

I imagine she would come home from work, her friend would call, she would make up an excuse as to why she cant see him, and then pout around the house all day and it would create a lot of negative tension between us. She would see this as me trying to tell her what she can and can not do, what kind of friends she can have, etc. She would likely use it against me, not even that she would do it intentionally but that is how it would turn out.

 

So, I told her after the huge fight, just to do what she wants, but that I don't want to know about it. I don't want to hear about their day together, or about how they rode bikes in the park, or got high together, any of it. I told her that I will no longer ask about her day, or how she was, and that me knowing that they spend so much time together really hurt me alot. For them to be doing things together that we should be doing, not them too...

 

Anyways, to be completely honest with all of this, it has really take away a large portion of how I feel towards her. Knowing that she can hold my feelings in such dis regard has been somewhat of an eye opener. I think I might end up splitting with her over this, and a couple other things. I really like this girl, a lot. She is beautiful, fun, energetic, sweet, and absolutely cool. I hate to see our relationship go to waste, but I just don't know what else to do.

[angie2443]

First off girls never realize that their "friends" want to sleep with them. .

 

 

Girls realize this all the time, they just feel unconfortable admitting it. It is one of the huge attractions of opposite sex friendships for both the men and women.

[Wildguy]

Thanks you guys, all of you have made good points.

 

Over the weekend, her and I discussed these issues out right and came to the conclusion that she is spending too much time with him. She said, in a disparate tone, "fine, we will just all hang out together", and confirmed that she would not go out one on one with him anymore.

 

Great, its what I wanted, or at least what I initially wanted. But now, after this giant fight between the two of us, I don't even care. The way I see it is if she wants to see the other guy she will do it no matter what she tells me. And if she wouldn't, she would still want to be seeing him but does not to merely to appease me. Both of which I don't want.

 

I imagine she would come home from work, her friend would call, she would make up an excuse as to why she cant see him, and then pout around the house all day and it would create a lot of negative tension between us. She would see this as me trying to tell her what she can and can not do, what kind of friends she can have, etc. She would likely use it against me, not even that she would do it intentionally but that is how it would turn out.

 

So, I told her after the huge fight, just to do what she wants, but that I don't want to know about it. I don't want to hear about their day together, or about how they rode bikes in the park, or got high together, any of it. I told her that I will no longer ask about her day, or how she was, and that me knowing that they spend so much time together really hurt me alot. For them to be doing things together that we should be doing, not them too...

 

Anyways, to be completely honest with all of this, it has really take away a large portion of how I feel towards her. Knowing that she can hold my feelings in such dis regard has been somewhat of an eye opener. I think I might end up splitting with her over this, and a couple other things. I really like this girl, a lot. She is beautiful, fun, energetic, sweet, and absolutely cool. I hate to see our relationship go to waste, but I just don't know what else to do.

 

I hate to tell you man but you are exactly right. If she has so much fun with this guy but she wants to keep you, she is just going to lie to you and say they never see each other... She's just gonna be sneaky about it..

 

Like I said before, you shouldn't be offended if she goes off with other guys alone, it's just if you aren't EVER invited is the problem. You don't have to be with them all the time, just once in a while. That would show the other guy that she is serious about her relationship with you.

 

You've got a mess right now, I'm tellin ya. And if for some reason she doesn't see him anymore she is going to hold it over your head forever.

[sugar_and_spice]

not being open/welcoming to meeting up together certainly would be a dealbreaker I guess.

[Enema]

I don't think that trying to make her see and understand your side of things is realistic.

 

We are who we are - quite clearly she thinks that this type of behaviour is completely normal and acceptable.

 

You need to find someone who shares similar relationship beliefs to you - not try to bash the other person to fit your mould. That won't work.

[Surfer Dude]

I see only two viable solutions for your situation:

 

 

1. You start dating other women, make sure she knows about it, and be fine with her dating the other guy
   
2. You can try some reverse psychology. Saying things like "I think it's a good idea to separate for a while, so that we can... you know ... experiment!"
   

Pressuring her to stop hanging out with her (ex)boyfriend will only agitate her further and will be completely counter productive. You gotta play this right. Women are attracted to guys who can lead them and control the reality, and yet not be controlling! Do you see the paradox here? Don't ever act clingy, needy, jealous - it will fire back!