In my 20s, never had a friend

[hotdancer2009]

For those of you who read my infamous last post "have a boyfriend but crushing on another", you know that I broke up with my boyfriend recently to date another guy. The date went well but the problem is, everyone is telling me that I shouldn't be dating since I have so many issues right now. So I guess that means I am supposed to focus on making and keeping friends.

 

I don't have any friends at the moment. When I do have friends, they don't last because I lean too much on them. I have a history of being a loner, which was fine when I had money to focus on other things like dance. I don't know how not to lean since I can't afford therapy and I can't afford to do anything that makes me happy. (I lost my job three months ago.) I literally have nobody to call. I could die and nobody would be at my funeral.

 

I have one friend who I've known for a few months but she is starting to slip away after I complained about all my problems, especially guy problems. Otherwise no other potential friends. Unless you count the guy I went out with.

 

How can I have a healthy relationship? Am I too old to learn?

[griffinchicken53]

i'm sorry about your situation. i'm in a similar situation.

friendships are a two way street. sometimes they may need someone to lean on as well. i've run people away because i never talked to them unless i had to complain. People genuinely want to help, but after a while they may feel used. i know someone who complains about their relationship scenario and people give advice. the next week everything is fine, then the next week he is talking about the same problems. people feel it is wasted effort to try and talk to him because he won't take any advice.

Please don't take anything i say in negative light. I'm addressing my own insecurities, what people have said to me.

Alot of times now I ask complete strangers for help, hence why i joined here. i don't have many female friends, so anytime one talks to me, i find myself sort of developing feelings for that person. so i drive women away. i'm trying to figure out how to fix this problem, so i'm asking questions here.

the internet has limitless topics on subjects like this. Good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

So I guess that means I am supposed to focus on making and keeping friends.

No.

You should be focussing on dealing with yourself.

 

I don't have any friends at the moment.

But for the ones on here, currently, I'm not in touch with anyone either. I don't have a circle of friends. At all. Not a one. Zippo. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

I'm fine.

What's your point?

 

When I do have friends, they don't last because I lean too much on them.

Then they're not friends. They're props.

 

I have a history of being a loner, which was fine when I had money to focus on other things like dance.

There's your problem. You think money is necessary to make you happy. You don't need money to have satisfaction in your life.

Life is not underpinned by material things.

 

I don't know how not to lean since I can't afford therapy and I can't afford to do anything that makes me happy. (I lost my job three months ago.)

I ws out of work for nearly two years. You need to focus on the bigger picture.

 

I literally have nobody to call. I could die and nobody would be at my funeral.

 

How would you know?

 

I have one friend who I've known for a few months but she is starting to slip away after I complained about all my problems, especially guy problems.

 

Call her.

Ask her - "If I promise to not moan about guys, can we get together? I could do with some advice....."

 

Otherwise no other potential friends. Unless you count the guy I went out with.

Yeh. Let's not go there.

 

How can I have a healthy relationship? Am I too old to learn?

 

THis is the plaintive whingeing cry of someone who is feeling sorry for herself.

Of course you're not too old to learn!

We're all work-in-progress! We're all on the road to developping! you think we've arrived and stopped? You never stop!

But you do get to a point where you think - "Yup, not doing too bad!"

 

So stop looking to something - or someone outside of yourself to provide what you need. It's all there already.

You just have to access it.

[hotdancer2009]

Geish, why don't you have any friends? You seem nice enough.

[Geishawhelk]

because of where I live, because of my lifestyle and because I am so preoccupied with the different activities I do, that I have little time for socialising.

I know many, many people. I have clients, and contacts.

None of which I could actually call friends.

[hotdancer2009]

Ok, Geish, understandable. But from your other posts is does seem that you have family (at least daughters if not a husband), and I think that makes it a lot easier. Being able to wake up in the morning and know that someone out there cares about you. Is it really possible to be happy and at peace with oneself with no family AND no friends? I wonder. Is it possible to be happy and have self worth with no family AND no friends AND no money? Hmmm.

 

I don't know how to "work on myself" at this point, other than to grind my way through four years of grad school. And to work as much as possible to reduce my debt. If I had the choice, I would take dance and yoga classes because that is what I enjoy and what gives me a sense of self worth. But that costs money. How can I have self worth when I can't afford dance? WHO AM I if not a dancer?? I don't even know!!! How can I have self worth when I can't afford clothes that I feel good in? How can I look myself confidently in the mirror at the horror I have become, when just months ago I had enough money to buy everything on the earth I wanted? Is it possible for a ragged, dirty homeless person to have self worth? I doubt that. If they do, I want their secret.

 

How can I have self worth without relationships? It seems that you are saying that I should work on myself BEFORE having friends or dating. So...I have to wait until I graduate in four years and am finally supporting myself before I can have friends? I don't get it!

[workaholic]

hotdancer, I have read your several threads here and am saddened by your story. Geishawelk has given good advice, although you may see them as harsh.

 

You do need to take care of yourself or you will be going into depression very soon if you have not already. What you need right now is to find someone you can trust. You say you don't have family or friends. Is there anyone you can trust? Now is the time to reach out to that person and I am not talking about your ex or Mr. Crush.

 

It appears that you are an intelligent college graduate or soon to be graduate looking forward to grad school. You seem to have a bright future ahead of you. You love dancing and I am sure you are very good at it. Money may be tight now, just as it is for many people, but you wil find another job and you will have money to support yourself. Do not lose hope. Things will get better with time and there is a definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

[hotdancer2009]

"You do need to take care of yourself or you will be going into depression very soon if you have not already. What you need right now is to find someone you can trust. You say you don't have family or friends. Is there anyone you can trust? Now is the time to reach out to that person and I am not talking about your ex or Mr. Crush."

 

What do you mean by "take care of yourself"? And no, I do not have anyone I can trust. Like I said, I have no friends or family.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, Geish, understandable. But from your other posts is does seem that you have family (at least daughters if not a husband), and I think that makes it a lot easier. Being able to wake up in the morning and know that someone out there cares about you. Is it really possible to be happy and at peace with oneself with no family AND no friends? I wonder. Is it possible to be happy and have self worth with no family AND no friends AND no money? Hmmm.

 

I have a partner, but without him, I would be completely isolated. And simply because you have 'family' doesn't mean you have contentment. You have a dad you don't get on with...but he's still your dad. If you can re-evaluate and adjust your relationship with him- who knows? And you say you have no family at all.. is he your only surviving relative?

 

I have been in a situation with no money. NO MONEY. A charitable case the Catholic Society lent 50 Euros to, in order to buy food. I had nothing. NO-THING. I have been to the depths of the deepest hole I can think of, and then dug some.

 

Homeless, posession-less and completely out on a limb. I had absolutely totaly nothing to look to.

 

So I do know what it's like to feel the way you do.

 

But I turned it around.

Because as I thought to myself that this was "the end of everything", another thought sprang into my mind.

"Yes, but it's also the beginning of something else."

There I was, with nothing but the clothes on my back, and a few euros in my pocket.

 

And now, after a lot of hard work, here I am.

Posting on a forum, with my very own computer, in a rented maisonette, with a partner studying Law, a job, and other interests besides.

I don't have friends. but I've made my own way, and I am extremely happy and content.

 

How can I have self worth without relationships? It seems that you are saying that I should work on myself BEFORE having friends or dating. So...I have to wait until I graduate in four years and am finally supporting myself before I can have friends? I don't get it!

 

because self-worth doesn't need the validation of anyone else. That's the point. Other people can't give you self-worth. it comes from you, for you.

 

But as for having to wait.... not really. Can't you multi-task? And what about calling that friend of yours and getting together? Don't be defeatist!!

[hotdancer2009]

So to clarify the rules are:

 

1) No dating. Does this mean that I can't be alone with a male unless he is gay? Does this mean I can't go to the group where I met Mr. Crush because I might end up talking to him, and then that would be a "date"? In general, I get along with guys better than ladies. So I can't have male friends unless they are gay? What if they are above a certain age? Married?

 

2) No leaning on my friend (the one who is slipping away). What is the defnition of "lean"? My grandma is undergoing heart surgery. If she passes away, does that mean I have to put a smile on my face and pretend nothing happened? Can't I confide in her?

 

3) No talking about my problems to people. Again, though, if I don't talk about my problems, how can I get solutions? I find that when I ask, I get answers. Especially from older folks.

 

Also, it would be embarrassing to start being positive around people that expect me to be negative. I don't know why. Probably because it would be like acting at first, until I get used to it, and it's a role I have never played before. I always have played the victim.

[Geishawhelk]

There are no rules! Why are you looking at everything as being definitve, black-and-white and no margin for error!

Life isn't like this! You have to be flexible but independent....

 

 

1) No dating. Does this mean that I can't be alone with a male unless he is gay? Does this mean I can't go to the group where I met Mr. Crush because I might end up talking to him, and then that would be a "date"? In general, I get along with guys better than ladies. So I can't have male friends unless they are gay? What if they are above a certain age? Married?

 

Go out with guys! Mix with guys! have fun with guys! But don't date them! Just have them as friends and tell them you're on a dating sabbatical. That's all! Don't date them! Or do you think that sitting with a guy and having a coffee = date?

 

2) No leaning on my friend (the one who is slipping away). What is the defnition of "lean"? My grandma is undergoing heart surgery. If she passes away, does that mean I have to put a smile on my face and pretend nothing happened? Can't I confide in her?

 

Gosh you really have no idea, do you? This is tragic!

 

Your friends are there for you through thick and thin, providing you don't only use them for leaning, and bore them with only one story like a stuck record....Friends are there as people you socialise with, laugh with, cry with, go to see a film with, have a coffee with - and you are as much there for them, as they are for you. It's not one-sided.

 

3) No talking about my problems to people. Again, though, if I don't talk about my problems, how can I get solutions? I find that when I ask, I get answers. Especially from older folks.

Talk all you need to. But change the record now anmd then, and consider their advice. There's nothing worse than someone constantly offloading their problems, but who never does anything to advance and solve them.

 

Also, it would be embarrassing to start being positive around people that expect me to be negative. I don't know why. Probably because it would be like acting at first, until I get used to it, and it's a role I have never played before. I always have played the victim.

 

Well change your thinking here. This is a ludicrous thing to say. It's almost like you're saying that because people always believe you to be a sycopathic murderer, changing your ways would only surprise them, so you're just going to keep looking for more victims.

 

Be the change you want to see in yourself. Nobody is going to change you for you. Nobody is going to validate you. Nobody is going to dictate who you should or should not be.

They will however, be surprised.

Pleasantly surprised.

Delighted even!

 

If you managed to be assertive with your dad, that was one way of not being a victim.

So don't be a victim.

[hotdancer2009]

Ok, I'm starting to get it. I need to work towards (yes, in the direction of) being more independent, more positive and towards taking less from people and giving more. I can imagine this working on a small scale; for example, being friendly with receptionists and complaining less to my one girl friend.

 

Here is my dilemma when it comes to friendships and relationships: I am not even aware of when I am using people. No matter how much I think about it, I still don't see how I was taking too much/giving too little from my ex, even though I know I was. How do I know whether I want attention or a relationship? What are the warning signs that a friendship is lopsided? How do I give?

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, I'm starting to get it. I need to work towards (yes, in the direction of) being more independent, more positive and towards taking less from people and giving more. I can imagine this working on a small scale; for example, being friendly with receptionists and complaining less to my one girl friend.

Woo-hoo!! :bunny:

 

Here is my dilemma when it comes to friendships and relationships: I am not even aware of when I am using people. No matter how much I think about it, I still don't see how I was taking too much/giving too little from my ex, even though I know I was. How do I know whether I want attention or a relationship? What are the warning signs that a friendship is lopsided? How do I give?

 

Ok, let's slacken this off a bit.

 

Fact is, we all 'use' freinds now and then. We need someone to lean on - but then, so do they.

When your discussions become disproportionately focussed on you, your problems, your issues and your life - this is when you're over-using.

 

This is friendship.

 

In a relationship, understand that a person needs to be Understood, Appreciated and Loved. Three essential pillars, underpinning a relationship are Trust, Communication and Respect.

We have to always be willing to put them first.

We have to make Effort, and show Commitment.

It haa to be equally viewed in reverse.

[hotdancer2009]

"This is friendship.

 

In a relationship, understand that a person needs to be Understood, Appreciated and Loved. Three essential pillars, underpinning a relationship are Trust, Communication and Respect.

We have to always be willing to put them first.

We have to make Effort, and show Commitment."

 

Haha, I think I missed that class in kindergarten. Oops! Oh wait, they don't teach that in America, they teach how to mass murder people in other countries...

 

Seriously, I think a lot of this has to do with self worth. Because if I have low self worth, I assume that everyone else already has everything that they need and wouldn't want so much as a smile from little old me. I assume that they are perfect and have the whole world figured out. If I realize that other people are equals (and mortals!) with their own struggles and pain and needs, then that will help me give more because I'll know that I CAN HELP them. I'm actually going into a health profession, and working as an aide has helped boost my confidence knowing that I have the power to heal.

[Geishawhelk]

Oops! Oh wait, they don't teach that in America, they teach how to mass murder people in other countries...

Now that's funny!!

 

Seriously, I think a lot of this has to do with self worth. Because if I have low self worth, I assume that everyone else already has everything that they need and wouldn't want so much as a smile from little old me. I assume that they are perfect and have the whole world figured out. If I realize that other people are equals (and mortals!) with their own struggles and pain and needs, then that will help me give more because I'll know that I CAN HELP them. I'm actually going into a health profession, and working as an aide has helped boost my confidence knowing that I have the power to heal.

 

You know what they say:

 

Physician heal thyself!

 

And

 

whenever we assume anything, it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

 

Always, always know, because it's true, that every single person you encounter, has an issue of some kind. There is always something that unnerves them, makes them a little insecure, affects their self-esteem to one extent or another, and a problem that needs reasolving.

At least you have one thing in common with every single person you meet:

 

You're both members of the human race.

 

And that's a very good place to start.

[Geishawhelk]

If I realize that other people are equals (and mortals!) with their own struggles and pain and needs, then that will help me give more because I'll know that I CAN HELP them. I'm actually going into a health profession, and working as an aide has helped boost my confidence knowing that I have the power to heal.

 

can I just pick up on one point, a minute?

 

THis last bit -

 

knowing that I have the power to heal...

 

Not true.

What you have, is the self-assurance and confidence to help others help themselves to heal. We can't heal anyone else, but ourselves. Be it physically or psychologically.

 

A doctor that operates on a heart fibrillation, or a broken leg, is enabling the body to heal itself. The body heals, the doctor just helps the process be more efficient and effective.

Drugs block suppress or encourage certain responses in the body, in order to encourage a good function. but the body does it.

Same with the mental process. Others can enable, but we do the work......

 

Buit this is a good profession to become involved in. Brilliant.

 

You know, you're sounding better already.....

[hotdancer2009]

One more question...about..guess who? MR. CRUSH! So, Geishawhelk, you are saying that it's okay to go out with guys as long as I don't date. Now, could you please clarify, what is your definition of dating? Does that mean getting physically and/or emotionally involved beyond friendship? And how do I tell Mr. Crush that I do want to hang out with him again, but not to date?

 

I'm thinking something like:

"Hey, I had a good time hanging out with you and would enjoy your company again. I just want you to know that I am taking a break from dating and am interested in being friends at this point."

Arrrgh, ok that sounds awful...any ideas?

[Geishawhelk]

One more question...about..guess who? MR. CRUSH! So, Geishawhelk, you are saying that it's okay to go out with guys as long as I don't date. Now, could you please clarify, what is your definition of dating? Does that mean getting physically and/or emotionally involved beyond friendship? And how do I tell Mr. Crush that I do want to hang out with him again, but not to date?

 

I know...Another member and I were discussing the very fact that dating in the UK has a different significance to the definition in the USA.

 

Dating - to me - means going out with someone a couple of times, to see how well we'd get on and whether it's worth making it exclusive, but never agreeing to sex until we are. Dating is a preamble to a possible commitment.....

 

Hanging out together is more of a casual, freindship thing, with no intimation that it's anything other than just a couple of friends enjoying time together.

 

I'm thinking something like:

"Hey, I had a good time hanging out with you and would enjoy your company again. I just want you to know that I am taking a break from dating and am [ONLY REALLY] interested in [JUST] being friends at this point."

Arrrgh, ok that sounds awful...any ideas?

 

It only sounds awful because you've never done it before. But you know what? That sums it up! (add bits in bold.....)

[willing]

You make more friends by listening.

Also, make sure that when you speak to your friend/s that you give them the same opportunity to speak the same amount as you.

 

Another point is, even if you have a lot of problems in your life and complain to your new friend/s make sure you then give them a turn to complain about issues that are on their mind, and help them by listening and commenting and thoughtfully replying to them and give them help too. Friends are not just receivers, and by your identifying yourself as a 'victim' you undoubtedly drive people away by only discussing yourself without a thought about them.

 

I have one friend who does this - always complains about her life. She never inquires about my life, or asks me to elaborate, or even imagine I may have any problems to talk about. She looks at me as successful, living in a big house, own my car, have beautiful kids, am married, am educated and she assumes all must be perfect with me. I have to force myself to share some issue with her, and then ask for her input (which she then barely gives me). It makes me want to withdraw from her because all she sees me as is perfect and not in need of any friendship and that is not fair.

 

I far more enjoy the easy give and take friendships I have with my other friends who eagerly ask for my advice, listen, and then can confidently empathize with me and offer advice to me. That is an equal friendship.

 

Sometimes I get annoyed with a relative who only wants to talk about things that interest her & doesn't seem to listen or care when I talk about things that interest me. She almost cuts me off and hijacks the conversation to suit herself. Communicating is a two-way street. Learn to give and receive in the same amounts otherwise the relationship gets lop-sided and no one wants to be near you. It's no fun.

[hotdancer2009]

"Dating - to me - means going out with someone a couple of times, to see how well we'd get on and whether it's worth making it exclusive, but never agreeing to sex until we are. Dating is a preamble to a possible commitment....."

 

Hmmm. That's interesting. There does seem to be a much more strict definition in the US. I think here it is something like: "getting together, usually for coffee, with a member of the opposite sex (or same if you have that preference) who is not married." I like your suggestion with the letter to Mr. Crush and plan to send it off in the near future. With us, maintaining "just friends" is going to be a fine line, since we are both VERY attracted to each other and flirt a lot. I don't see how that hurts anything, as long as we aren't exclusive, don't sleep together, and don't have thoughts about a future together as bf/gf. At some point these things may become too difficult to avoid and it might have to end, but at least it will have been fun in the meantime! And I'm warning him, so I'm being fair.

 

Right?

[Geishawhelk]

Abso-lutely.

 

But you too have to be disciplined enough to know that at the moment, you wouldn't be doing the best for either of you.

Give yourself time. You deserve to live for you, a little......