Fears

[Cora]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and was just looking for some advice and encouragement.

 

I met this guy online and we have been talking for seven months now through email, IM, text and phone calls. He is really everything I could ever want and so much more. I look forward to talking to him everyday and miss him so terribly when he is away. It scares me so much because I have never felt this way about anyone before. Over these seven months I have grown to love him. He has really become my best friend!! We talk about everything under the sun. Somedays our conversations can last for hours!

 

We have also shared tons and tons of pictures of each other. We have both seen each other at our worst and at our best through these pictures. Anyways all that good stuff is there. The connection feels so strong! The thing is we live over 600 miles away from each other. I am finding out that this long distance stuff is really tough!! I mean I knew it wasn't going to be a piece of cake but I had no idea it would be this hard! The other thing is we haven't met in person yet either. This is due to financial reasons and such. He is currently going back to school and so am I at the moment. We are also both looking for other jobs so It's just not the right time unfortunately. We hope to both meet as soon as we get a little more settled in our lives.

 

I'm just so afraid!! I have a million questions and thoughts running through my head. The waiting to meet him in person is almost unbearable!! I also question if the longer we wait to meet, will he start to lose interest? Then we may not ever get the chance to meet. I don't want this chance to slip away because I don't want to live with the regret and always questioning what if? Then I worry that if we meet the connection that we have online and over the phone wont be there. Everything between us is so wonderful right now!! I couldn't of asked for anything better. What if that spark just isn't there when we meet? What if it's awkward? I am a really shy person and tend to clam up around new people I just meet. I know he is someone I have been getting to know now for seven months and isn't really someone new but in a way he is!

 

I have discussed this with him and he keeps saying it's not going to be a problem but how do you really know for sure? I remember worrying the first time we ever spoke over the phone. I warned him I would be quiet. Probably a little too quiet. But he told me he thought I held my end of the conversation up rather well. I don't know I suppose I worry too much. I just really hope that same connection will be there in person like we have now. It's so frustrating because on one hand I can't wait to meet him and it seems like it's taking forever and on the other hand I'm so afraid of how the meeting will go. Do any of you guys have these fears? Have any of you been through something similar?

 

Sorry for the long post. I'm just a little on edge tonight. I think it has alot to do with not hearing from him at all today. We try to talk to each other at least once everyday if possible. Whenever I don't hear from him I begin to miss him even more. I know he gets busy and things come up and such......sigh I just wish we could be together. It's hard when you feel like you love someone so much but yet can't be with them right now.

[malika]

I understand how your affection can build up for someone you've met online, and it's possible that all of that can exist face to face as well. It's good that you recognize in advance, though, the possibility that a meeting could show him to be different from everything you expected.

 

Have you two thought of meeting in a city in between where you both live? That could defray the travel costs. Do you two have a set plan when you might actually be able to meet? Setting an exact date might help maintain the velocity in the relationship-- it's the best reward for so many months of long distance.

 

Good luck!

[Island Girl]

Of course you want to meet him and see him. You are growing to care about someone intimately so that is natural.

 

And of course since you have never been together in person - those fears are justified as well. There is no guarantee that there will be sparks. But the more time you invest in getting to know each other the way you are now the more drawn to each other you will be because you have shared so much.

 

What you are feeling and what you have now is amazing, right? So revel in it. Enjoy it and be blissfully happy. When you do experience the longing just remember how lucky you are that he is part of your life and that you are getting such a chance at true love.

 

I second the post about meeting halfway. That should alleviate cost. I know you are filled with trepidation but rather than focus on the "what ifs" that are negative think about the "what ifs" that are positive. What if he meets you and is even more enamored? What if you see him and butterflies fly around in your stomach as your eyes connect?

 

You have just as great a chance at true love and forever happiness as any other person out there. In fact if you have developed such an intimate communication you have so much of that battle already won!

 

I know it is difficult but anything worthwhile does not come easy.

 

Talk to him about how you are feeling most of all. He will truly understand exactly what you are going through because I am sure he is having the same thoughts and fears. You both can help each other through the scary patches.

 

Good luck to you!

[KikiW]

I totally understand where you are coming from - I am in a long distance relationship with someone about 1200 miles from me. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown before I met him in person, because I wanted there to be sparks. The last thing I wanted was to stand there and say "well, it was nice meeting you. I have to go home now."

 

I made the decision to fly to see him about 4 months in because I couldn't take the wait anymore. I wanted to know if it was reality or fantasy, so if nothing else I could move forward.

 

I can't begin to describe my nervousness, hand on the door of my hotel room, getting ready to go downstairs and meet him in the hotel lounge. I thought I would throw up.

 

I could see him from outside the lounge, sitting there with what I found out later was his 3rd drink (he was just as nervous). The moment I walked up and he realized who I was, he got up to give me a hug. I said to myself SCREW IT, and went for a kiss. We couldn't stop touching each other the entire weekend - holding hands, linking arms, hugging, putting my head on his shoulder.

 

I realized later that he is not my "type", the kind of guy I would pick out of a crowd and say "whoboy he is HOT", but because I got to know the real him online, our similarities, our differences, the things that really turn me on about him completely overshadowed the physical inconsistencies with my "dream guy". He became my dream guy simply by being himself.

 

Like the others, I recommend trying to see each other. Meet halfway, there MUST be a way to get 300 miles so you can have a day or two in each others' presence. Stay safe - meet in a public place, and have an escape route, don't accept drinks unless they are poured in front of you, etc etc. It is likely your guy would never do anything to make you uncomfortable, but there is nothing wrong about keeping your head on right.

 

Good luck, and let us know how things are going

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Cora,

Over the course of my dating, I met two different guys online, and the sparks online and over the phone felt real. Real that is, until I met them. One I had no physical chemistry whatsoever. The other was attractive enough, but was a jerk in person (and that part of his personality didn't come across when we were talking across the miles). Both fizzled of their own accord.

 

I recommend that you meet this guy in person very soon, just so that you know in your heart that there's a real connection there. You'd hate for months to keep ticking by, and when you finally do meet him and it's just not the same "in real time," you wouldn't have invested so much time in hopes that he's a good fit for you.

 

Like other posts here, a good midpoint meeting place is a great idea. Don't agree to one hotel room (I'd even go so far as not disclose your hotel to him, for safety reasons). Meet in a public place, and don't talk in advance of any sexual play. Because if you do meet and it's awkward, it's hard to say, "oops, I didn't mean all those things I promised to you earlier."

 

Best of luck to you.

 

--LG.

[You'reasian]

 

We have also shared tons and tons of pictures of each other. We have both seen each other at our worst and at our best through these pictures. Anyways all that good stuff is there. The connection feels so strong! The thing is we live over 600 miles away from each other. I am finding out that this long distance stuff is really tough!! I mean I knew it wasn't going to be a piece of cake but I had no idea it would be this hard! The other thing is we haven't met in person yet either. This is due to financial reasons and such. He is currently going back to school and so am I at the moment. We are also both looking for other jobs so It's just not the right time unfortunately. We hope to both meet as soon as we get a little more settled in our lives.

 

I'm just so afraid!! I have a million questions and thoughts running through my head. The waiting to meet him in person is almost unbearable!! I also question if the longer we wait to meet, will he start to lose interest? Then we may not ever get the chance to meet. I don't want this chance to slip away because I don't want to live with the regret and always questioning what if? Then I worry that if we meet the connection that we have online and over the phone wont be there. Everything between us is so wonderful right now!! I couldn't of asked for anything better. What if that spark just isn't there when we meet? What if it's awkward? I am a really shy person and tend to clam up around new people I just meet. I know he is someone I have been getting to know now for seven months and isn't really someone new but in a way he is!

 

I have discussed this with him and he keeps saying it's not going to be a problem but how do you really know for sure? I remember worrying the first time we ever spoke over the phone. I warned him I would be quiet. Probably a little too quiet. But he told me he thought I held my end of the conversation up rather well. I don't know I suppose I worry too much. I just really hope that same connection will be there in person like we have now. It's so frustrating because on one hand I can't wait to meet him and it seems like it's taking forever and on the other hand I'm so afraid of how the meeting will go. Do any of you guys have these fears? Have any of you been through something similar?

 

Sorry for the long post. I'm just a little on edge tonight. I think it has alot to do with not hearing from him at all today. We try to talk to each other at least once everyday if possible. Whenever I don't hear from him I begin to miss him even more. I know he gets busy and things come up and such......sigh I just wish we could be together. It's hard when you feel like you love someone so much but yet can't be with them right now.

 

I'm sure things will go well for the both of you and that he is as interested in you as you are him. I can understand the want to know if the other person is as interested in you as you are them and the best way to gauge that is direct communication.

 

The good thing about distance is that it makes the two of you appreciate each other so much more - hugs are stronger, kisses are more passionate and the sex skyrockets. Its unfortunate that you cannot see each other regularly, but sometimes being too close together for too long can cause a relationship to drift away.

 

Stay patient & Best of luck!

[Cora]

Thanks guys for responding!! Oh and I finally heard from him today after going for two days with no communication so I'm not as tense as I was. That's another thing about LDR's, when you get used to hearing from them everyday, one day with no contact is just AWFUL!!!

 

I really like the idea you guys gave about meeting halfway. Next time we discuss meeting I will mention it to him and see what he thinks. That would really help out alot! I just want to meet him as soon as possible. I know if it's meant to be then it will work out like it should but sometimes I can't control these fears. The fears of him getting bored with this relationship, the fears of him finding someone else (someone closer), just the fear of losing him before we ever get that chance to meet. That scares the hell outta me! I finally find someone that I can't see living without and I don't want to lose him before it even begins. These fears are even stronger than the fear of our meeting turning out to be terrible.

 

He told me something the other day when we talked that made me feel a little better. This is what he said.....I know I can't promise you much but I do promise you this.....I promise you that someday we will meet no matter what, I don't know when it will be but it's going to be soon because I can't take this much longer, I just want to see you. I promise you we will meet each other and take this to the next level. I promise you that I love you. I promise you that we will give US a chance to have our happy ending.

 

All I know is that him and this relationship is worth fighting for. He is what makes me happy and I can't picture my life without him. As difficult as this LDR may be, giving up just isn't an option at this point. Yes, this may not work out and once we meet that spark may not be there but I can't allow myself to look at that right now. I'm trying to look at it positively. This is so worth the risk and if I end up getting hurt, well at least I can't say I didn't try. To me that is so much better than looking back with regrets. Wondering what could of been? Sigh.....this darn distance!!!!! Some days are better than others. We have a long ways to go yet. If we meet and everything works out, we have at least another 2 years before the distance can end. But like I keep telling myself....it's so worth it.

 

 

Thanks again guys for your advice!! Something tells me I'm probably going to be back here alot with all of my ups and downs. It's a long road ahead! I will def keep you all updated.

[Cora]

Wow I miss him so much!!! This is hard. I just want to get rid of these darn doubts in the back of my mind. Another day without hearing from him. We really need to get on a schedule here because I never know anymore when I will hear from him next. Alot of times he will try to contact me when I'm not around and I'll try to contact him when he's not around.......grrrr so frustrating!! Do you ever have something really important you can't wait to tell your SO or have this dire question that needs to be answered but they are nowhere around? That's what always seems to happen to me. I heard from him last night for like 5 minutes before he went out with some friends and he told me he would talk to me today. I have heard nothing from him today. I text him tonight and get no response. I know things come up but I hate when things like this happens. Makes my imagination go into overdrive!! Not fun at all.

[Joyvke]

What is your age and what is his? Also, in real life you prolly won't be "together" every single day either. So don't stress it too much.

[Cora]

Joyvke: We are both 26....yeah i know we wont be together every single day in real life. It's just tough when they say they will talk to you next but then don't. Is it too much to ask for them to let you know if something comes up? I mean all we have here is communication to go on. I don't know, maybe I'm asking too much. I sent him one text and that was it. He didn't respond so I left it alone. The last thing I want to be known for is a nag. I don't want to push him away.

[Island Girl]

Joyvke: We are both 26....yeah i know we wont be together every single day in real life. It's just tough when they say they will talk to you next but then don't. Is it too much to ask for them to let you know if something comes up? I mean all we have here is communication to go on. I don't know, maybe I'm asking too much. I sent him one text and that was it. He didn't respond so I left it alone. The last thing I want to be known for is a nag. I don't want to push him away.

 

At this stage in your relationship it would be pushy and demanding to set down rules and boundaries.

 

You are in a NEW relationship that you must allow to blossom.

 

Have you had the "exclusivity" talk yet? If not then you must wait for that first before you start laying down the ground rules.

 

And yes, one of those is The Golden Rule. Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done To You. That one pretty much covers the no call when you said or were supposed to.

 

Don't worry so much right now. Really try to keep a smile on your face that you have found someone interesting who you can really talk to.

 

Remember your mind can run away from you so try -- try - to keep cool about it.

 

You will be fine.

 

Hope you see him soon. And good luck!

[KikiW]

Joyvke: We are both 26....yeah i know we wont be together every single day in real life. It's just tough when they say they will talk to you next but then don't. Is it too much to ask for them to let you know if something comes up? I mean all we have here is communication to go on. I don't know, maybe I'm asking too much. I sent him one text and that was it. He didn't respond so I left it alone. The last thing I want to be known for is a nag. I don't want to push him away.

 

My LDR and I STILL go through periods of one or the other freaking out because the other isn't communicating as quickly or as often as usual, which leads to doubting each others' intentions or commitment and sometimes spirals into "OMG HE/SHE MUST WANT TO BREAK UP!"

 

He sounds very interested in keeping up a relationship. The best thing I think you can do is just be honest about your insecurities. TELL him you don't want to turn into a nag, or THAT girlfriend that wants to know where he is, who he's with or what he's doing at all times, but it's hard because you want to be involved in his life and feel closer to him because of the physical distance between you.

 

I believe committing to being honest no matter what is also hugely important. That way he can feel comfortable telling you "Sweetie, I appreciate that you want to know more about me, but telling you what I had for lunch down to the two hard rolls with butter is making me feel a little smothered." Perhaps you can recognize that you are being too smothering, or perhaps you are simply asking because you are considering cooking him dinner and want to know what he likes to eat. By talking about it, you can avoid the build up of negative feelings. That's actually one of the reasons I like the LDR - it doesn't lend itself to dancing around issues. You have to tackle them, quickly, and resolve them. No gameplaying, no bull...

[Island Girl]

My LDR and I STILL go through periods of one or the other freaking out because the other isn't communicating as quickly or as often as usual, which leads to doubting each others' intentions or commitment and sometimes spirals into "OMG HE/SHE MUST WANT TO BREAK UP!"

 

So true - so true. I remember the first couple of years being like this although we had lived together for more than a year before we were LD. The same insecurities were there.

 

I believe committing to being honest no matter what is also hugely important. That way he can feel comfortable telling you "Sweetie, I appreciate that you want to know more about me, but telling you what I had for lunch down to the two hard rolls with butter is making me feel a little smothered." Perhaps you can recognize that you are being too smothering, or perhaps you are simply asking because you are considering cooking him dinner and want to know what he likes to eat. By talking about it, you can avoid the build up of negative feelings.

 

I wouldn't quite lay it out there like that. I'd certainly mention the expected call and that all you have is his words to believe in. -- I'd just make it more of a soft approach at this point.

 

And certainly try to see each other as soon as possible to cement your connection!

I hope it is very soon for the two of you.

 

That's actually one of the reasons I like the LDR - it doesn't lend itself to dancing around issues. You have to tackle them, quickly, and resolve them. No gameplaying, no bull...

 

As long as both people are just as committed to truth and real feelings then LDRs can develop a deeper way of communicating.

 

But like any relationship that can take some time. Especially when two people have not been around each other the complete vulnerability can be hard. And just because one person is completely ready to expose their soft underbelly does not necessarily mean the other person is.

[Cora]

Thanks guys! As I said earlier it's going on 2 days again since I have heard from him last. We didn't get to talk on Sunday like he had said but I'm not concerned with that so much. What I'm concerned about is that I sent him a text last night and got no response back. That was a good 15 hours ago. I'm just wondering would it be okay to send him another text? Would that be overdoing it? I am so afraid of pushing him away. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. There are just some important things I need to talk with him about and I can't even reach him. His work schedule is changing all the time so I never know when he is working or when he is home. I even had a dream last night that I got to talk to him. Damn it seemed so real. Wow I must be really losing it because I never dream about him. I guess I just got so used to the beginning of our relationship when we knew each other's schedule and were actually able to talk everyday. Now it's a crapshoot.

 

Island Girl: No we haven't actually had the "exclusive" talk per se but we talk about all the time how we can't even imagine being with anyone else. I know maybe it's not even official until you've had the talk. I'm okay with having the talk now but I don't want to push things. A more appropriate time would probably be after we meet to know for sure this is what we want.

 

I know it seems like I complain alot, have tons of fears, doubts etc....but it's only been seven months and I'm still not used to this LDR. I also thought it would be better to let all of my fears out here on this forum than to dump them all on him. I'm sure all of this would really push him away. It helps a little just to write what I'm feeling out. This waiting to hear from him is pure torture!! Hopefully by the time I do get to talk to him, I will have all of this out of my system and will be calm. Thanks again guys for listening to me ramble on. I just try to keep telling myself that at the end of the day at least I know he loves me. That is the only thing I don't doubt.

[Island Girl]

Thanks guys! As I said earlier it's going on 2 days again since I have heard from him last. We didn't get to talk on Sunday like he had said but I'm not concerned with that so much. What I'm concerned about is that I sent him a text last night and got no response back. That was a good 15 hours ago. I'm just wondering would it be okay to send him another text?

 

Yes. But better if it could be some other form of communication like a phone call. I think what you need most is to hear him right now. A text just wouldn't cut it.

 

Would that be overdoing it?

 

Not in light of the conversations you have had.

 

I am so afraid of pushing him away. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. There are just some important things I need to talk with him about and I can't even reach him.

 

Is this true to your nature? For instance - I am naturally a very demanding b*tch when I feel the slightest bit like my vulnerability is a mistake.

Are you naturally afraid of pushing your partner away or doing something inherently wrong? Or is it just with him.

 

The reason I ask is because you should be yourself in this relationship. If this is a part of how you are (even if it is an elevated level) then you should talk to him and be candid.

 

Why can't you reach him for days again? I don't remember that part. Even work schedule changes, etc. - He knows at least by the day before what his schedule would be the next day right?

Is your schedule flexible or stagnant?

 

If so, the he should be able to find a work around so you both stay in regular contact.

 

I even had a dream last night that I got to talk to him. Damn it seemed so real. Wow I must be really losing it because I never dream about him.

 

Every once in a while I am with my husband in a dream. I don't know what sparks it (if I did whatever it was would be part of my daily routine!lol) but I wake and it is so vivid. It just makes me so angry and sad that I wake up because even if I go back to sleep I can't go right back into it.

And I never remember dreams otherwise. So I totally get you on this one.

 

I guess I just got so used to the beginning of our relationship when we knew each other's schedule and were actually able to talk everyday. Now it's a crapshoot.

 

It shouldn't be. It isn't asking much to have time to share together. I don't think it is asking very much at all. It is for the both of you as well so he'd probably welcome a "game plan". He's in love too right? So he may be feeling the exact same way right now. Don't be afraid of resolving issues. In the end it is what will make the LDR stronger.

 

Island Girl: No we haven't actually had the "exclusive" talk per se but we talk about all the time how we can't even imagine being with anyone else. I know maybe it's not even official until you've had the talk. I'm okay with having the talk now but I don't want to push things. A more appropriate time would probably be after we meet to know for sure this is what we want.

 

I would wait to have this particular talk until you meet but that doesn't mean you have to suffer with the relationship as is. As I said above you can still work on more steady communication. That'll help you feel better and less insecure until you can actually meet.

 

I know it seems like I complain alot, have tons of fears, doubts etc....

 

No it doesn't. It seems like a normal reaction from someone falling in love in an unfamiliar way.

 

but it's only been seven months and I'm still not used to this LDR.

 

Sweetie, it has been over six years fo me and there are still times when it gets the better of me.

 

I also thought it would be better to let all of my fears out here on this forum than to dump them all on him. I'm sure all of this would really push him away.

 

You can certainly vent and get some of the freaky mania out. But that should be so you can get it down to a digestable size for him to swallow. You DO need to be discussing how you are feeling with him.

 

You never know. He could be feeling the same way and trying really hard not to show you that he is insecure in any way.

 

You really have to start laying the foundation of honesty. That doesn't mean you should flip out and start hounding him of course. But you should be real with how you are feeling at any given time. He wants to know you - the whole you. Faults, insecurities and all. Just let him learn it in small doses.

 

It helps a little just to write what I'm feeling out. This waiting to hear from him is pure torture!! Hopefully by the time I do get to talk to him, I will have all of this out of my system and will be calm. Thanks again guys for listening to me ramble on. I just try to keep telling myself that at the end of the day at least I know he loves me. That is the only thing I don't doubt.

 

keep ramblin' away. That's what this forum is here for.

 

trust in eachother if you do want to build a strong relationship.

[Cora]

Island Girl: Thank you so much for your advice!!! It has really helped me! I was so distraught while writing that post and I don't think missing him terribly helped much! lol

 

Well I heard from him today Thank God!!! We had a really good talk. I discussed alot of my fears with him in a very calm manner and he was so understanding!! Alot of issues were resolved during our chat and if I ever had any doubts of him loving me, (which of course I didn't lol) there def not there anymore!!! He never ceases to amaze me and boy do I love this man!!!! Talking to him today reminded me of why this is so worth it!! Thanks again!!

[Island Girl]

YAY!!!

 

You are so welcome!

 

Believe me I know how difficult it can be!

With my husband we go from a 20 hr time difference to a 21 hr time difference during the year - and it may not seem like much but when it is 6pm there that is 9pm or 10pm here. And I used to have a job where I worked at 5am so evening calls didn't work too well.

I got off at 2pm but he worked during the day there so that was 10 or 11 am.

 

We only had small windows to be able to talk and it was $1.77 a minute too.

 

He doesn't have a computer so we can't e-mail. And text service isn't there yet (they don't have the technology) so that wasn't an option either.

 

We wrote letters to each other and I credit those letters with him knowing me so well. He'd received 14 or 15 pages of what goes on in my head - thought to thought - about my day, my life, other people in my life - everything. And he'd just have to read it. No distractions, no tangents, etc. Just like a straight download. LOL

 

But he knows me better than anyone on the planet because of it. He knows me better than my mother! lol

 

I am glad you and your man got on the same page about things. And I am so glad you feel so much better.

 

You may still have freak out moments - I mean stuff can happen that may make you question certain things, but now you know you can talk to him.

And you can always come here to vent and get things in perspective first.