manchvegasgal Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I'm a woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for close to 7 years. We began our relationship secretly while he was married for the first 5 years. Now that his divorce is final we have been a "public" couple for almost 2 years. During those first 5 years we split up twice because I couldn't stand being the other woman, and I wanted to be married. I accept my fault in causing my own pain, but we got back together and I knew that he would never leave her for me...guess I told myself I loved him enough to live with it. It bothered me that he was "allowed" to have his wife and me, but I was expected to hold a higher monogamous standard. Now that his wife has left him for someone else, he's decided that he doesn't believe in marriage anymore. He seems to be in complete denial about his infidelity in the relationship, and sees everything as her fault, which I can't understand. I'm willing to accept that he doesn't want to marry me (or anyone so he says) but I feel that I should have my own life then. Living together is not for me and I really feel insulted that he wants to "play house" and be comfortable but then I'm the bad guy for thinking "a piece of paper will secure everything". My question is: if he doesn't want to marry me should it be ok for me to ask for an open relationship? Keep this fact in mind as well: He's open to the idea of another woman joining us, and says it's for "us" but I really don't see the need for it. We've done it before and I enjoy, also I am attracted to women as well, but I feel that if he wants to open the relationship up, then we should both have that freedom. He's completely against "swinging" because he can't stand to see me with another man..but I'm supposed to be happy seeing him with another woman? I'm trying to meet in the middle: you don't want to marry me that's fine, i can still love you and share a life, but you want to be with other women, then i can be with other men too Fair? Is the whole thing just not worth it? Maybe we're just not compatible at all? Thank you for your time and advice Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I'm a woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for close to 7 years. We began our relationship secretly while he was married for the first 5 years. Now that his divorce is final we have been a "public" couple for almost 2 years. During those first 5 years we split up twice because I couldn't stand being the other woman, and I wanted to be married. I accept my fault in causing my own pain, but we got back together and I knew that he would never leave her for me...guess I told myself I loved him enough to live with it. It bothered me that he was "allowed" to have his wife and me, but I was expected to hold a higher monogamous standard. Aaaaaaand.... there's the red flag.....Obviously it didn't bother you enough... OK, go on...... Now that his wife has left him for someone else, he's decided that he doesn't believe in marriage anymore. He seems to be in complete denial about his infidelity in the relationship, and sees everything as her fault, which I can't understand. ooops! Sorry, just side-stepping the next one. Did I crush your toes? I'm willing to accept that he doesn't want to marry me (or anyone so he says) but I feel that I should have my own life then. Living together is not for me and I really feel insulted that he wants to "play house" and be comfortable but then I'm the bad guy for thinking "a piece of paper will secure everything". Wow, they sure are flapping madly, today! is there a high wind....Woah!! My question is: if he doesn't want to marry me should it be ok for me to ask for an open relationship? No. You should leave, because he's a two-faced, hypocritical, anally-retentive jerk who's so far in denial he thinks he's in Egypt. But of course, you won't. Having put up with his cr*p for nigh on 8 years, you still think it's all going to end up smelling of roses..... I give it another 5 years, before it sinks in. He's open to the idea of another woman joining us, and says it's for "us" but I really don't see the need for it. We've done it before and I enjoy, also I am attracted to women as well, but I feel that if he wants to open the relationship up, then we should both have that freedom. He's completely against "swinging" because he can't stand to see me with another man..but I'm supposed to be happy seeing him with another woman? Wow, isn't that nice! he has a generous streak! OK, agree completely, and enjoy it. Then tell him you have a male friend coming for much of the same. I predict a major coronary..... I'm trying to meet in the middle: you don't want to marry me that's fine, i can still love you and share a life, but you want to be with other women, then i can be with other men too Why? What's the point? This whole thing is so screwed up, you two really shouldn't even be within a mile of each other. It's toxic. All these people you're figuring to involve. All these liives you're potentially going to complicate - what the heck do you think this is, a game?! Get real!! Fair? Is the whole thing just not worth it? Maybe we're just not compatible at all? No,and no, and that's right! Now get out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author manchvegasgal Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 No,and no, and that's right! Now get out of there. Very candid Geishawhelk...much appreciated. Hard trying to dig yourself out of a rut...or rationalize years of wasted time. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I am nothing, if not candid.....! Read your post again. pretend it has absolutely nothing to do with you. pretend it was written by a completely different person. You don't know these people. You've never heard of their situation. Now tell me what you think. Do you see what I meant? Link to post Share on other sites
Author manchvegasgal Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Oh now that's scary. Talking to a stranger "Honey you're trying to hold on to someone who obviously doesn't want to hold on to you. You've got one foot out the door just bring the other one over" ....guess that's my answer then Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Is the whole thing just not worth it? No, it's not. And it never was. And it never will be. What is stopping you from breaking up with him and opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting a man who love you, only you, and isn't averse to marriage and a monogamous relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Hard trying to dig yourself out of a rut...or rationalize years of wasted time. Thanks Wasting MORE years of your life on this guy isn't going to make the investment any more worthwhile or fulfilling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author manchvegasgal Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Wasting MORE years of your life on this guy isn't going to make the investment any more worthwhile or fulfilling. Ok now that is starting to get me thinking. It has been waaay too long, this I know, but can't answer why I dont' go. I do look at all this time and think, this HAS to be worth something! I can't have just wasted my youth and wind up with nothing! I think maybe I've just been hanging on because it just has to be worth something, anything! I mean, I'm going to 27 years old this year, and I have been with the same person all this time and I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. It's not going anywhere. and it's just taking me down..not "us"...just me. If I was talking to a friend I could never just sit and watch her do what I've done to myself. Damn it, now I'm getting I'm getting pissed at myself. Guess it has to start somewhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Wow. I think this is the first time we've ever managed to get through to someone in just 4 posts.....!! Yay us!! Yay You!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Ok now that is starting to get me thinking. It has been waaay too long, this I know, but can't answer why I dont' go. I do look at all this time and think, this HAS to be worth something! I can't have just wasted my youth and wind up with nothing! I think maybe I've just been hanging on because it just has to be worth something, anything! I mean, I'm going to 27 years old this year, and I have been with the same person all this time and I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. It's not going anywhere. and it's just taking me down..not "us"...just me. If I was talking to a friend I could never just sit and watch her do what I've done to myself. Damn it, now I'm getting I'm getting pissed at myself. Guess it has to start somewhere... I know you said you don't care if he marrys you but it sounds like you do! You wanted him to leave his wife for you and he didn't. Now he refuses to marry you. You see how he holds all the cards here? You are right, he is totally taking you down. You are still young, go out there and find someone who really IS worthy of you. Oh and stay away from the married guys, as this is usually the type of man you find.... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 He is a cakeman, and a selfish one. He needs someone in a wife role, and he needs someone in a mistress role. Even if he won't marry you (and think about it - why would someone coming out of something that clearly was a sham to him want to turn around and get himself into something that will also end up being a sham?). He isn't avoiding marriage to you, it sounds to me like he is being honest with himself: that he does not have what it takes to be married, period. He intends to f*ck around, you can bet some money on that. Unfortunately, that freedom to do that only applies to him - not you. So, in your relationship, no - it isn't ok for you to ask for an open relationship. He wants you to be with only him, or with someone only if he directly benefits from it, and can monitor and control that interaction. It sounds hypocritical, and from most everyone else's standpoint it is - but from his POV, he knows that even if he f*cks around he isn't going to leave you. He can't say the same about you, so he would rather you not be involved with anyone else so that there won't be a chance you'll leave him. He likes to gorge himself on cake, but he doesn't like to share it. If you want monogamy and marriage, you will need to find someone else. He will never be the man you want him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Ask yourself this. Are you truly happy with this guy? Is he loving, supportive, caring and does he put your needs above his own? Does he know what makes you laugh, what makes you cry? Would he hold your head over the toilet if you were throwing up? Make you tea and bring you toast in bed if you were sick in bed with a cold/flu? This guy lives in the moment and he is selfish. It sounds like an unheathly relationship and the longer you're involved with him, the more "you" you will lose. Meaning, you've lost WHO you are being with him. He has no plans on marriage, so forget that. I highly doubt he'll be faithful to you in the long run. Now is the time to re-think this relationship and ask yourself those questions you're probably afraid to ask because you're used to him and maybe scared to end it, be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I try not to think of any time as "wasted". You had experiences. You learned more about yourself. It was just part of your life's path. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Wasting MORE years of your life on this guy isn't going to make the investment any more worthwhile or fulfilling. Why is she wasting her time on this guy? You make it sound like she had no cotrol over her own actions? After reading the OP you think there was any type of future for her. People should quit playing the victim and choose more wisely Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Make you tea and bring you toast in bed if you were sick in bed with a cold/flu? Tea and toast? How about homemade chicken soup, bread and hummus...I know strange combination but being ill gives you strange cravings:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author manchvegasgal Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Well I'm back on the single market! Lots of crying, and screaming, and ice cream, but no one every died from a break up right? ...right? It does feel like a huge weight off I have to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Welll done, and good for you. You will survive this, I promise. Take care of yourself. Pop in any time...... And remember the Loveshack Motto - "Cut 'em off at the knees and go NO CONTACT!" Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 you want to be with other women, then i can be with other men too... Fair? Is the whole thing just not worth it? Maybe we're just not compatible at all? Well, don't blame him for not wanting to get married. The last time he ended up cheating and divorcing. Seems fair that you both go with other people, an adventurous couple. If you make it work then you are compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
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