I am very angry right now

[celebray69]

Sorry a bit long..

A little history...me and my Ldr have been together for over a year but have known each other for almost 4. We first met and connected incredibly but then I had to come back home and we decided to not pursue a LDR although we did keep in touch. I ended up going back to his country for my own personal reasons two years later. We saw each other again and realized we still had feelings for one another. Problem was he was seeing another girl and she was coming to visit him for a month. I was upset about it but nothing I could do because we weren't in a commited relationship. I came home and we started chatting everyday and he said that he didn't have any feelings for this other girl. We still were not commited.

Fast forward 6 months I had bought tickets to go see him when his ex messaged me on facebook telling me that he had plans to go visit her and if things went well she would be going back to his country to see him. I freaked out because I had felt betrayed and had already spent money to go see him. He told me that she believes he wants to go see her but it's not true, which was very difficult for me to believe. He told me he had called her and told her everything about us so I decided to go see him anyways. We commited to each other after another visit a few months after. Now fast forward to today which is almost a year later.

We've been having some problems and some discouragement about when/how we plan on being together. It has been almost 6 months since we last saw each other. We talked about breaking up but both decided we still want to try our best to make this relationship work out.

Now the issue on hand is he has been on Fbook for a long time but has never become friends with this ex until today. I noticed this when I went on his page but also noticed that today he had blocked me from seeing his friends.

I admit to having some insecurities when it comes to other women but I feel I had full trust for him until I saw this. Why would he block me unless he had something to hide?

I am waiting to talk to him about this tonight and I'm not sure if I should freak out or what. I am feeling hurt and I am now seeing that maybe our relationship isn't as secure as I'd originally thought. How do you suggest I approach this with him?

[Ronni_W]

How do you suggest I approach this with him?

Really just depends on how much you like drama.

 

Drama way: Freak out. Yell. Accuse. Cry. Yell some more (still crying). Freak out again. Break up with him.

Non-drama way: Calmly tell him it isn't working for you, and break up with him.

 

I'm sorry. I just think that you both deserve something different and better.

[Ariadne]

Sorry a bit long..

A little history...me and my Ldr have been together for over a year but have known each other for almost 4. We first met and connected incredibly but then I had to come back home and we decided to not pursue a LDR although we did keep in touch. I ended up going back to his country for my own personal reasons two years later. We saw each other again and realized we still had feelings for one another. Problem was he was seeing another girl and she was coming to visit him for a month. I was upset about it but nothing I could do because we weren't in a commited relationship. I came home and we started chatting everyday and he said that he didn't have any feelings for this other girl. We still were not commited.

Fast forward 6 months I had bought tickets to go see him when his ex messaged me on facebook telling me that he had plans to go visit her and if things went well she would be going back to his country to see him. I freaked out because I had felt betrayed and had already spent money to go see him. He told me that she believes he wants to go see her but it's not true, which was very difficult for me to believe. He told me he had called her and told her everything about us so I decided to go see him anyways. We commited to each other after another visit a few months after. Now fast forward to today which is almost a year later.

We've been having some problems and some discouragement about when/how we plan on being together. It has been almost 6 months since we last saw each other. We talked about breaking up but both decided we still want to try our best to make this relationship work out.

Now the issue on hand is he has been on Fbook for a long time but has never become friends with this ex until today. I noticed this when I went on his page but also noticed that today he had blocked me from seeing his friends.

I admit to having some insecurities when it comes to other women but I feel I had full trust for him until I saw this. Why would he block me unless he had something to hide?

I am waiting to talk to him about this tonight and I'm not sure if I should freak out or what. I am feeling hurt and I am now seeing that maybe our relationship isn't as secure as I'd originally thought. How do you suggest I approach this with him?

 

This relationship seems very slow paced, with much more interest on your part than his.

 

It seems like you are bidding your time hoping that something would come up out of this, but it seems like instead you are drifting away with him blocking you and stuff.

 

Well, good luck with it all.

 

(Btw, this is my first use of the No Replies feature)

[whichwayisup]

You haven't seen him in 6 months. NO relationship can survive if you don't see eachother.

 

Sooner or later you two really need to sit down and talk this out..You're not in eachother daily lives, and eventually it'll take it's toll, infact it already has, even if it's online and on FB that's bothering you..

[celebray69]

Thanks for your advice. It is a lot to take in and not really what I was hoping to hear. We are in the process of waiting for a visa approval for him to come over here to be with me. We try so much to maintain our relationship, we talk everyday for at least two hours, I thought we talked about everything and had really good communication. Does it really sound pointless to continue this relationship?

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, already there are red flags..The FB thing, the ex, him blocking you from seeing who else is on his friends list.. WHO knows what he does, says or who with out in the real word, offline..

 

Can I ask? Is he getting a visa to come to the States?

 

Anyway, talk to him about how you feel and go from there.

[celebray69]

Yes he is getting a visa to come over to Canada so we can give our relationship a try short distance. We talked and I guess he had blocked ALL of his friends not just me. He tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that he only wants to be with me. He is going to remove her as a friend (they were never really in an official relationship to begin with, I guess I didn't make that clear). He says that he has nothing to hide and if I want he will make all his friends viewable again. I don't know how I am feeling right now....I don't know why seeing his page made me feel the way it did or make me jump to conclusions like I had. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for him to screw up. Maybe I'm naive to believe him but my gut tells me that he is being honest. All I know is that I hate long distance and if we don't make it, I don't think I could ever do it again. You live and learn and hopefully I am not making a mistake.

[Island Girl]

Fast forward 6 months I had bought tickets to go see him when his ex messaged me on facebook telling me that he had plans to go visit her and if things went well she would be going back to his country to see him.

 

How did she know who you were or anything about you? Him?! That was completely out of line for him to open the door to such drama.

 

I freaked out because I had felt betrayed and had already spent money to go see him. He told me that she believes he wants to go see her but it's not true, which was very difficult for me to believe. He told me he had called her and told her everything about us so I decided to go see him anyways.

 

Of course you freaked out. That is completely understandable. The fact that she contacted you is enough reason but for her to say he was coming to visit her and all -- well that would put anyone in an LDR over the edge of sanity.

 

It would be extremely difficult for me to believe she believes he wants to go see her but not because of any instigation from him. In fact I find it near impossible.

 

We commited to each other after another visit a few months after. Now fast forward to today which is almost a year later.

 

And what was done about the other girl? How did he resolve that for you and what effort did he make in showing you that you had nothing to worry about?

 

We've been having some problems and some discouragement about when/how we plan on being together. It has been almost 6 months since we last saw each other. We talked about breaking up but both decided we still want to try our best to make this relationship work out.

 

Certainly there does have to be some kind of a plan about being together and where.

 

Visas and approvals can take a while and take A LOT of work. So if you go this route you really have to be in it for the long haul. Both of you.

 

Now the issue on hand is he has been on Fbook for a long time but has never become friends with this ex until today. I noticed this when I went on his page but also noticed that today he had blocked me from seeing his friends.

 

HUGE RED FLAGS!! I would be completely flipping out. This is blatant disrespect for you and your relationship. LDRs are hard enough and EXTRA care needs to be taken not to flame the insecurities of either person because of the distance and the immense amount of trust needed for the relationship to be strong and stable.

 

His actions are showing no consideration for you, no respect for the boundaries of a committed relationship, and certainly no care for your vulnerability (which is tremendous in a LDR).

 

I admit to having some insecurities when it comes to other women but I feel I had full trust for him until I saw this. Why would he block me unless he had something to hide?

 

He should not have added her as a friend considering your history and that he has said he wants to make your relationship work. That is just asking for drama and trouble -- all the while OF COURSE hurting you. If he claims that he didn't think you'd care he is lying.

 

And he wouldn't block you unless he knows you will be hurt and upset. He also wouldn't hurt and upset you if she means nothing to him. If he truly doesn't care then he wouldn't have added her.

 

I am waiting to talk to him about this tonight and I'm not sure if I should freak out or what. I am feeling hurt and I am now seeing that maybe our relationship isn't as secure as I'd originally thought. How do you suggest I approach this with him?

 

I would say to him:

 

We are in a LDR. It is up to the two of us not to instigate fears, insecurities, or jealousies. We are supposed to care for each other enough to protect each other. Only then can we trust each other while we are so far apart. You violated that trust I had in you and I do not know what to think anymore. Your actions have caused me to second guess you, our relationship, and the way I feel about you.

How do you intend to fix this?

 

-- And it is up to him to fix it. If you are going to stay in it then I suggest you stick to your guns. Keep in mind there are a lot of really big things he can do to fix this.

He can post on his wall what his intentions are with you -- an apology to you -- and I request to her to leave him alone. But that in itself is not enough in my book. You better watch him.

He seems like he is playing both sides of the fence. You on one side and her on the other.

 

You haven't seen him in 6 months. NO relationship can survive if you don't see eachother.

 

This statement could not be more wrong. It is difficult but BELIEVE ME a relationship CAN survive even if you do not see each other for really really long periods of time. It just depends upon the people involved, how strong they are in their love, and their level of commitment to each other.

 

 

WHO knows what he does, says or who with out in the real word, offline..

 

Exactly. It is up to HIM to prove what he does and what he is up to in RL. Especially now. He has given you reason to doubt him not once but twice and with the same woman. Be very very careful and examine his every word and action. Pull back a bit until you really know what is happening.

 

Can I ask? Is he getting a visa to come to the States?

 

Yes, please let us know where the two of you are. Which countries?

[celebray69]

I am in Canada and he is in Europe. This morning when I went on Facebook I noticed he has deleted his profile. I don't know what to think of this either. I am feeling so confused right now. I am going to talk to one of our close mutual friends in regards to this because she is the only person that I can talk to that knows both of us. I know he is a good person but this thing on facebook has now made me doubt everything I ever believed in about our relationship. Thanks for all your responses especially IslandGirl. I really need them. It helps to keep things in perspective to hear outsiders reactions.

[whichwayisup]

He either deleted it or blocked you completely so you can't see him at all. The way to go about that is, ask a friend of yours to search his name. I find it ODD that he didn't tell you he's deleting his account..Sounds like he's hiding something.

 

Don't involve your mutual friend as it's not fair to put them in the middle of this.

[Island Girl]

Well deleting hispage is a step in the other direction - towards you feeling more insecure, etc. It certainly won't help.

 

As I said before he needs to step up to the plate and figure out what he can do to fix this and make you feel comfortable. I'll let you know now words are not going to cut it.

His actions created a problem. Only his actions will alleviate it - and just sweeping the issue away like deleting his FB page will not help.

 

You need your fears allayed and he needs to actively work on doing so. You really have too much reason to doubt him now.

 

Have you already begun the application for his visa? If so, I know you can't make a rash decision and then regret it. You can't withdraw the visa app and then say "whoops! My mistake!" and refile it.

 

Discussing the relationship with a mutual friend is inadvisable. Involving a third party is never a good idea.

[celebray69]

Oops we already talked and I made it very clear that I do not want to put her in the middle. She is a family member of his and someone who he confides in. She told me that I don't have anything to worry about and that she has been with him while he has written numerous emails telling this girl that he doesn't want anything to do with her but that this girl just will not accept that. She also told me that he had blocked everyone from his page and that it was not a specific blow to me. She told me that I am the only one he ever talks about and that he wants to be with me. I am going to talk to him tonight about why he took his profile off facebook. Last night he said he would write another email to this girl to tell her that he is with me and I am going to get him to forward that to me today. We have already begun the application process and should find out in early Febuary.

[Island Girl]

I wouldn't talk to the girl about your relationship anymore.

 

I know you already did once - water under the bridge so to speak - but to be honest, it doesn't matter what she has seen or heard. He could be keeping things secret from her as well because he knows you know her and have her contact info.

 

It is up to HIM to prove his intentions. He better be quick about it too because if you have ANY reservations (and you definitely do) getting his visa and coming here may cause you more stress than comfort.

 

Where is this girl? You said she is in another country as well. I certainly hope it is NOT Canada...

 

Which visa did he apply for? A work visa, etc? I hope it is not a visa you had to sponsor him for!

 

LDRs are difficult in the best of circumstances and great care needs to be taken so the feelings of insecurity are not increased by actions or lack thereof. He has given you very good reason to doubt him --- twice!

 

He could have blocked her e-mails. He could have cc'd you on every e-mail back o her telling her point blank:

"Do not contact me further. I want nothing to do with you. We are not friends nor do I wish to be. I am involved in a very happy relationship with ______ and she is what is important to me."

 

If she continued her could have inactivated that e-mail address completely so she would have no access.

 

There is a lot that he could have done to make sure she could not contact him. It isn't as if she lives next door to him! She is in another country - so it should be very easy for him to disappear from her life. Yet he hasn't. That sends off tremendous alarm bells don't you think?

 

And it has been ages since he had any interest in her - at least from his accounts to you. Do you really think that she would hold on - thousands of miles away - and continue to live in some fantasy of her own making, thinking he cares for her when he has been very clear that he doesn't?! No. He has given her reason to hang on and believe differently.

 

Do some digging and get the story straight for your own sake.

 

If he is being honest and he has told her repeatedly that he does not want her, he should have no problem putting that in writing to her AND you -- and sending that e-mail at the same time to BOTH of you - along with HER contact information so that you have full ability to talk to her privately.

 

Somehow he has to assist you with feeling better about this relationship. This rests on HIS shoulders. He created the problem, and fanned the flames of insecurity - so now he MUST be the one to fix it.

 

In order for you to feel better he is going to have to be a man of action. Actions speak waaaaaay louder than words.