SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Get out before they leave you! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I never had to... I always dump them first.. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Get out before they leave you! Mine dumped his W. I'm sorry yours didn't work out, the way you wanted it to, but some do, whatever that is for the OW concerned. Sometimes the OW wants to be an OW, and doesn't want them to leave there W - I was like that in previous As, and there are some other OWs here who also prefer that. Sometimes the OW wants the MM to leave his W, and to be his GF or his W - and sometimes that works out too. Mine has - as have some others here too. Sometimes it all falls apart - either the OW doesn't see enough action fast enough and dumps the MM, or the MM gets found out and dumps the OW, or over time it just fizzles out to nothing. But then, most Rs that are not As also end up on the scrap heap, if you think about how many people you date over a lifetime and how many of those you land up with in LTRs or Ms. So... since As are pretty much like other Rs, perhaps the advice should be, don't date ANYONE in case they dump you - if you're only prepared to be involved in a R that has a 100% guarantee of working out forever and ever. Most people are prepared to take the chance when they get involved with someonem even though the stats are not on their side of it working out forever and ever. If you're not one of those, you might prefer to avoid the dating scene altogether, and either pay for your sex or join one of those conservative cultures where marriages are arranged and divorce impossible, so that you can't be dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Get out before they leave you! Mostly what happens is it's the OW who has to end it, because the MM just keeps staying married and re-contacting you. This might not happen in your case, but I wouldn't rule it out. I would say, and have said on your other thread, that I don't think he's the kind of man you need. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. Even those whose MM have left often had to go through massive struggles, where they thought it was all over. GEL's MM, like yours, lied to her for a long time about even being married with children. It's rarely a pretty picture, it can be soul-destroying at times. I'm wondering, though. You say 'get out now!' but on your other thread you sound like you're still very much emotionally 'in it'. I think if anyone could describe an easy method of extracating oneself from these situations when we're already emotionally involved (eg. if like you and GEL, who were unknowing OW), then they'd be providing a hell of a service to the rest of us. Link to post Share on other sites
tchrgrl Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I guess I agree about getting out as it makes you the OW feel like you have some control about it ending. I just recently brought up the fact that I thought the A was cooling off with my MM and that I was unhappy. I said that when we decide to end it, we should make it mutual so there would be less hurt feelings (as if that's possible!) but he looked right at me and said, "then lets end it now as we don't know when we'll get this chance to be face to face and have this discussion". You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was, still am in shock. I know it is for the best but I felt powerless in the decision. I thought my bringing up the discussion would cause him to try harder, not bail. On day 6 of NC and sometimes I am happy he did it, and other times I am waiting for him to beg for me to come back to the A. I have to be honest and say I would be torn if he did get in touch. Getting out and staying out is the best decision one can make. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Get out before they leave you! Thing is.. they don't leave you... why would they leave.. in most cases, they have their W/family then they have their OW on the side.. why would they leave? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Most of the time it is a good idea to get out, period. It nearly never works out. Every once in a while it does, but the chances aren't that great. Most married guys who f*ck around want mistresses, not divorces. Unfortunately, that is a hard pill to swallow and OW don't want to take that pill and in fact pretend its not even there. Link to post Share on other sites
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