Dumpee in more pain in the short-run..do some dumpers feel more pain in the long-run?

[lilmrcheerful]

i just think it's sad that something that starts out so wonderful and with the best intentions in the world can turn so sour in the end. it's life. and it's a part of it that sucks bigtime!

 

Oh absolutely, but that's what happens when the other person deviates from the normal physics of a loving relationship and into "out of bounds" territory, you start to think of ways to try and save it, not always easy. I hate mind games and to be honest I am a little glad I don't have to be involved in that anymore, however, for all I know the NC thing she may take as "mind games" in itself where as for me NC is my way of coping at the moment because I'm still devastated, too devastated to even look her in the eye.

[Trialbyfire]

Someone posted something in a thread that I think is interesting...the idea that the dumpee might feel more pain in the short-run due to feelings of rejection and abandonment, and that some dumpers might feel more pain in the long-run... due to ???

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

It depends on what the situation is. You'll find that some who exit relationships, absorb the pain until they reach the decision to pull the trigger, so they do have a head start. Then they absorb the breakup.

 

The person left behind, gets it all at once including the shock of the breakup.

 

If you were to add up the total length and magnitude of the pain, I'm guessing they would be equal.

 

You'll also find that some who exit relationships, have fallen out of love or caring but have remained in the relationship due to fear of the unknown. Once they make a decision, they're over it and relieved to end the relationship.

 

In this scenario, the person left behind feels more pain.

 

And the list goes on and on, reliant on individual situation.

 

I think that the ones who've tied their self-esteem into the person who's exiting the relationship, feel the pain the longest and hardest. I don't think the responsibility for this extended pain should be laid at the feet of the person who's exiting the relationship. The person left behind needs to own this portion 100%.

[not_a_happy_camper]

different circumstances, but i know how you feel cheerful. a month ago i felt so angry with my ex. (if you feel like reading through "ooops" you'll see why, though i don't expect you to read it, it's looooooong!). he called over to drop my stuff back. with big puppy dog eyes (HE dumped me). and i felt guilty for walking away without conversation. but it also gave me some satisfaction to see his face when he walked away. he didn't know where to look. it made me feel better for a while. even though i cried so hard when i shut the door. but lately i've been feeling really guilty about it. i'm not going to let that bother me anymore though. with the guilt comes the want to see him again and make amends for my own shortcomings. i'm not going to do that. he was in the wrong.

but what i was trying to get at, and what i've deviated from IS........when he dropped back my stuff, i was so angry at him and his treatment of me that looking him coldly in the eye gave me satisfaction of feeling like i had the upper hand (after sending him an email saying we'd never be together again). however..........for the last few weeks i've been wanting him back..........i know that seeing him, i'll feel very weak. and won't be able to look him in the eye without crying.

 

it's a horrible feeling.

[lilmrcheerful]

however..........for the last few weeks i've been wanting him back..........i know that seeing him, i'll feel very weak. and won't be able to look him in the eye without crying.

 

There is nothing wrong in wanting your ex back but whilst at the same time trying to win some self respect back, makes them realise all the more how much you should have been valued in the first place by him, and maybe, if you decide to give this another chance that he would actually learn that.

 

I am learning a little bit every day about these situations. I believe that the dumper, although they had actually said it's over by way of ending it, doesn't actually think they've lost you at all, they've laid the gauntlet down in the hope of seeing what response you give. Although my gf ended it, I don't think for one second she thinks that's it - until she see's I've moved on and realises herself that she actually no longer has a chance with me, so then the choice doesn't become hers any longer, and I think that's when it will hit them, when they no longer can have you even though they were the dumper, it would feel like they were the ones dumped!!!! I hope I made some sense there...!

[not_a_happy_camper]

you definitely make sense.

 

not good for me to harbour hopes anymore though. i'm beginning to believe (again) that he's not good enough for me and why would i want him anyway? time i concentrated on the self respect alone!

[lilmrcheerful]

Personally, as a dumpee, after a few days of feeling awful and time to reflect, I found myself realizing the profound benefits of the split. .

 

Excellent post and it's very important that the dumpee doesn't lose track of this because you musn't look back. Remember even if there was a remote chance of the two of you getting back together, it isn't going to be the same because you would have both changed or gone through experiences in between the break up that would have made you see things differently to when you were first together, but would this be enough to make it last as for all you know, your development may have been so far advanced that you'd probably not even recognise them any longer when you're actually seriously involved again, preferences and views do change.

[kizik]

This is a tad off-topic but I cannot stand posts that are all lowercase. It shows a lack of investment on your part and a lack of care for those who want to read it. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. But we should really start treating this site, and each other, with more respect.

[nature]

This is a tad off-topic but I cannot stand posts that are all lowercase. It shows a lack of investment on your part and a lack of care for those who want to read it. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. But we should really start treating this site, and each other, with more respect.

 

I am more concerned with the content, rather than the grammer/spelling, etc. Considering, that many people writing on this board are in a state of sorrow while trying to piece words together. I do not like to judge others in this manner, and I am certain that in the big scope of your life, it does not matter all that much.

[amerikajin]

I think it depends on the situation, but the truth is that a lot of dumpers don't regret the decision to end the relationship. Of course they feel bad about hurting someone they have grown to care a lot about, even if they don't necessarily get turned on by that person romantically anymore. But in just about every case I know of, dumpers have usually had a lot of time to think about the decision to end the relationship long before the actual dumping takes place.

 

I think that the times when people regret dumping is when they end a relationship for stupid reasons and realize later that they didn't have their head on straight. Like when a young girl or guy has a fling with someone they meet at a bar, decide that it's more than just a one-night stand, dump their significant other and then realize that the person they picked up is nothing more than a good lay while the person they let go gave them much more. This happens a lot to young people in their late teens or twenties. One can only hope that people mature and move past that point.

[nature]

I agree. It does depend on the situation. Sometimes the Dumper breaks up with the Dumpee because the Dumpee has been treating them like sh*t and taking them for granted. So the Dumper feels he/she has no choice. Therefore, it may actually hurt more for the Dumper than the Dumpee.

 

Dumping someone doesn't necessarily pertain to losing interest in the person. You may still be madly in love with the person, but they are acting less than stellar in the relationship. Thus, you feel you have no choice but to dump them and end things...to save your own soul.

 

So it's not always the Dumpee that hurts the most. Dumper's can hurt a great deal as well. Often times it has been the behaviour and attitutde of the Dumpee that caused the Dumper to dump them.

[Woggle]

They usually regret it when the dumpee moves on. When the dumpee is out there living a great life and not even thinking about their ex then all of a sudden the dumper might have a newfound attraction. That is what happened with my ex. She dumped me to go have her freedom and now her life a complete utter mess. I know she regrets what she did but too late now.

[amerikajin]

They usually regret it when the dumpee moves on. When the dumpee is out there living a great life and not even thinking about their ex then all of a sudden the dumper might have a newfound attraction. That is what happened with my ex. She dumped me to go have her freedom and now her life a complete utter mess. I know she regrets what she did but too late now.

 

I can't think of a person I have dumped who I have wanted back. I often find a lot of qualities that I like in the women I've dumped, and I have felt like crap knowing the pain that I've caused them by making the big decision to end the relationship. But I also knew that they were not what I was ultimately looking for in a long-term partner.

 

I think those who regret dumping their partners probably regret it because they were immature and didn't think about who they were, what their aims were and so forth.

[lilmrcheerful]

I agree. It does depend on the situation. Sometimes the Dumper breaks up with the Dumpee because the Dumpee has been treating them like sh*t and taking them for granted. So the Dumper feels he/she has no choice. Therefore, it may actually hurt more for the Dumper than the Dumpee.

 

Dumping someone doesn't necessarily pertain to losing interest in the person. You may still be madly in love with the person, but they are acting less than stellar in the relationship. Thus, you feel you have no choice but to dump them and end things...to save your own soul.

 

So it's not always the Dumpee that hurts the most. Dumper's can hurt a great deal as well. Often times it has been the behaviour and attitutde of the Dumpee that caused the Dumper to dump them.

 

Yes that's absolutely true and from the other side of the coin, however, I often wonder if I should have been the dumper and not the dumpee, infact, in my situation we both could have taken up either role, I should have ended it because she was cheating but she ended it first because she chose to be with the other person... so it's a strange situation here...

[againstallodds]

One of my ex. She is married and has two kids now. She still calls me all the time to talk to see how I am doing. Most of the time I don't pick up the phone. She dumped me 6 years ago. She said she was my first not sure if it's true. I don't feel nothing for her now. I feel so indifferent and it doesn't bother me one bit. This one regrets leaving me. She wasn't happy with her husband, the one she left me for. She hurt me a lot when she left and what I should have done is NC but I didn't. I was young and didn't know better she keep leading me on and eventually it ended.

 

The answer is they do regret it if the grass is not greener but why would you want to take them back. It may take them years to sink in to see their mistake. If they leave you just move on and never look back because you'll just wasting your time.

[lilmrcheerful]

The answer is they do regret it if the grass is not greener but why would you want to take them back. It may take them years to sink in to see their mistake. If they leave you just move on and never look back because you'll just wasting your time.

 

I think that's so true.

 

What upsets me about my own situation is the fact that how long has she really been thinking about dumping me for her ex, it must have been planned in her head for a while so therefore the last few weeks or months just seemed all a lie, did she really know me at all if the relationship was false? What is she going to remember about our relationship that would make her regret what she did even if things do go wrong for her, if the relationship was a lie then she'd taken note of nothing from our relationship (other than me treating her like a princess) because she wasn't serious about it, therefore the likely chance of her getting back in touch with me is very unlikely now *which is probably not such a bad thing*

[ffs]

I don't believe my ex doesn't feel a shred of remorse. Sometimes I believe she looks back on what could've been with the same sadness that I do. But she made a choice, and once she took that choice, she destroyed all the feelings we once had. Even if we were back together, we both know things would never be the same. Her sweet-nothings would never mean a thing to me again, because she already told me them all once. Once she left, they were all lies.

 

What was once beautiful can now be nothing but a memory. That is the tragedy.

[eDave]

I certainly expect mine will at some point but by that time it won't matter really. I honestly don't know what she thinks she is doing. She is 42, living at home with here parents due to money problems (bankruptcy), been engaged 7 times and NOTHING has worked out for her. Claims every man is a cheater. Despite my love, caring, loyalty, monogamous commitment, etc. she decided she thinks we should see other people.

 

I don't know what makes her think the grass will be greener. It never has been before! She has said many times that she has no regrets in life. I think now that is just a way of not dealing and not really good for growth. I mean everyone regrets something right?

 

Dang, I am upset again.

[peteyj]

Some people might later regret or get upset over what happened. It really depends on the break up though. If a person has an affair and then strings along the relationship before finally getting caught or finally wanting to be with somebody else....thats far different than two people just splitting up.

 

I don't know if people really regret anything, they just think back and might do things differently. I don't think my soon to be ex wife will ever regret what she did. Yeah she might feel sad and upset in time, but she really became an entirely different person over the past few months.

 

I mean even now she seems to be out there by sleeping with a different guy every night cause the guy she ended our relationship over is nothing but a loser who liked being in a relationship with a married woman. When he knew it was over between the wife and I, seems he changed his tune on wanting to see her every day. I also think she's becoming an alcoholic and I told her that she's either going to straighten up one day or when our divorce goes final and I"m not supporting her anymore....either she's gonna catch a disease or she'll wind up on the street. I don't want that to happen to her cause I still hope the best for her, but the way she's going I don't see anything good happening. I think we got married and she was too young, she listened to some of her loser friends, and thought she missed out on all the partying....Well she's partying now but forgets you can't really party if you have no money....Unless of course you do what she's been doing...And in the long run that only lasts as long as she looks halfway decent...Do that long enough and party girls become crack heads who only other people like that are interested in.

 

It's a shame really and maybe she'll wake up and straighten her life out. We'll never be together again, but maybe she'll finish college, get a good job, and meet somebody who cared for her as much as I did and really still do. I don't care for her as a lover or wife anymore, but I still care for her as a human being and person. The majority of the guys she's seeing now are weird to me.....They talk about marriage and love and contact her like 24/7 after just meeting her.. And this includes the bf guy she sort of left me for and then all the other guys that call her or text her or email her......How do I know all of this? Well she still lives with me at this point and she still talks to me and then she goes out either by driving someplace, calling me later cause she's lost and I have to use GPS to find out where the hell she needs to go, or she stays out all night and comes back sometime the next afternoon...Sometimes. So I don't think she'll regret anything anytime soon. Maybe when I can finally stop supporting her will she realize what it's really like on her own....Can't really do whatever you want and expect somebody to be there.

[incomplete25]

Years ago my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. They had been together for 4 yrs. He was devestated. She was cold as ice. He begged, cried, pleaded, tried to get her back. She would have none of that. Within a week she had a new boyfriend, while her ex cried and was depressed for nearly a year.

 

Well 3 yrs after she dumped him, she was travelling thru Europe with another new boyfriend, and suddenly she realized she missed her first ex. "the one" she had coldly dumped. She therefore, dumped her current boyfriend while in Europe, flew back early, tried to get back with her ex that she had hurt, and he would have none of it. He had moved on.

 

She was a mess. A mess for nearly two years trying to get back wtih him. She was now the one crying, devestated and depressed for two years. But no matter what she tried, he was over her.

 

to this day, 10 years later, she still regrets having broken up with him in the first place, and still says she will always love him. She has a hard time talking about him without crying, still to this day.

 

 

i had a same story as her ex, how i wish my ex would regret that he dumped me... we were together for four years and dumped our relationship for her chatmate...ive been very loyal and sweet to him all the time...its just like that the girl is more liberated and very prettier than me...what do you think is the chance he will return?