loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 ok so here goes! I have been having an affair with a married man for 7.5 years. At one point I told him that this was unfair to me and I wanted marriage and a family. He said he would leave. Long story short, I found out I was pregnant two months later. We were both uneasy about the pregnancy because he was married and had other children at home. But we both wanted the baby! During the pregnancy, because we live in a small town his wife got a call that I was preg. She confronted him and he admitted that I was preg and said it was possible it was his. (He was positive). SHe began sneaking his cell and one day got my number that he forgot to delete and she started calling me. I would not engage in conversation with her about anything. All the while he and I are still together. Not a typical affair. Talk every single day and see each other 3 to 5 days a week... Anyway she started leaving voice mails calling my baby a bastard and stuff... he obviously told her we slept together once or twice and not the we had a long relationship. Anyway I called her back and let her know all the details. (She has the upper hand financially in their marriage which is his reason (to me) for staying. she has all retirement and kids education money....) He and I did not talk for a month or so after I ralked to her. She decided to stay with him and he came back to me. The baby is now 13 months old. She sends support every month and has no clue he has seen the child must less that he and I are still together. I am so confused at this point !! I am ready to walk away and just let him go. He begs me to please give him a little more time (8 years isnt enough obviously)! I only stayed so long so the 2 older ones could get through high school and into college! Now they only have the 10 year old at home and really they are not happy. she sends him texts while he is here saying she knows he does not love her and that he never talks and never acts like he wants to be home, but she wont leave and neither will he... I guess my issue now is that he has become a father to our son. he knows that is his dada and they play and we are all so happy when he is here but it has gotten to be too much. THis is unhealthy for my child as well as his other children and wife. The wife has tried to befriend me somewhat.. not sure why.. which adds to my dillema and makes me feel worse for still seeing her husband behind her back. but i love him too. he feels like it will be a financial disaster for his children if he leaves home that everyone will suffer for his happiness???? What is the resolution to this mess>>>> Link to post Share on other sites
confused888 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 At this point making decisions about what you want and what makes you happy isn't a luxury you have. Now you have this little man in your life that needs you to make the decisions that are going to be the best for him. Fast forward 6 more years. Your son is in first grade and tells his teacher that daddy is married and mommy's a secret. Not the best role model. Especially having a son... their view of women and how to treat them stems a lot from watching their father. If it's really been 8 years and he's still in the same situation, it's never going to change. Either resign yourself to living the way it is now or end it. Doesn't mean your son can't still meet him at McDonalds or have him in his life. He just shouldn't be in your bed anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 thank you for the reply. I am so not a crazy person and I know the reality of the situation. It has truly been 8 years. I feel the same way that if it hasnt changed now it never will... I think for some odd reason I need to hear from sane unbiased third parties that I am not crazy and to stop waiting that I have wasted enough time already ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Eight years and a child is more than enough. It is time to get your life together so that when your child is old enough to know the situation(he will, someone will tell him)you will have to look in his eyes and explain how he came to be. Do you tell him with pride and dignity or do you tell him that you are still waiting for the fairytale to come true? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 It has truly been 8 years. I feel the same way that if it hasnt changed now it never will... Well, the situation may change, but it will need a Crisis to precipitate it! Clearly the news of your pregnancy and one night stand story to the Wife was not enough of a crisis to change the status quo. But perhaps the next crisis will force him to make up his mind, one way or another. I am pretty sure he loves both of you -- you and his wife. It must be impossible for him to choose only one of you to live with, and by default 'lose' the other one. Also, I think the W sounds pretty decent to send the payments to you? not him? and she probably wants to befriend you because she is, deep down, a decent woman. However, she doesn't know her husband is capable of great deceit, with her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 He will not leave his wife and family. That is something you will need to accept. The time and emotions you spend waiting for him, is time that you could be spending bettering your life and your child's: ie - moving as far away as possible from this man, and demoting him down to a 'check in the mail' dad. Children need parents, but they don't need parents like him. Think of all of the pain, humiliation and waiting you have done over the past 8 years. Do you want your child going through the same thing? Imagine that train of thought... "my dad would rather live with someone he doesn't love than be with me and my mom" - talk about an inferiority complex! Your child would be much, much better off without someone like that in his life and so would you. Time to put your needs aside, end this affair and focus on what is best for your child. Don't let this toxic a-hole ruin his life by making him part of an affair like he ruined yours doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Do you want to be the OW forever. If he was going to leave he would have. Plus do you want a guy that would cheat on his wife for 8 years. He tells her the exact opposite of what he tells you. He probably makes you out to be crazy and him a saint. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Most likely you dont even have to wait until he is 5. Wait until he is old enough to talk. He watches toddlers TV programs and starts asking you why daddy doesnt live with you? Where does Daddy live? Why isnt Daddy here for Christmas etc etc. Kids know things even if we dont explain them directly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 So does he have a point at all that his children at home will lose the home they grew up in and lose their financial security? I am sure that he loves us both in very different ways. But, he has issue now with the child at home feeling like he is choosing his other child with me over his life at home! I know it is all a huge circle of betrayal all the way around. He tries making me feel bad for being on friendly terms with his wife because he said it is wrong because she doesnt know he is still seeing me and she is genuinely trying to be nice. I think if he feels that way he should stop seeing me yet he thinks I should just quit talking to her.... mY Mind is twisted as I have essentially been married to this man who has no responsinbility to me whatsoever.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Well, the situation may change, but it will need a Crisis to precipitate it! Clearly the news of your pregnancy and one night stand story to the Wife was not enough of a crisis to change the status quo. But perhaps the next crisis will force him to make up his mind, one way or another. I am pretty sure he loves both of you -- you and his wife. It must be impossible for him to choose only one of you to live with, and by default 'lose' the other one. Also, I think the W sounds pretty decent to send the payments to you? not him? and she probably wants to befriend you because she is, deep down, a decent woman. However, she doesn't know her husband is capable of great deceit, with her anyway. She is very decent. However, she sends his money to me because she does not want him having any contact with me at all. She does not want her children to know about my baby with their daD( the kids are 21 19 and 11) SO while she is a very nice obviously caring understanding woman she has her motives and reasons...How can she not know he is capable of great deceit when she knows he has a 7.5 year relationship with me??? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Loulou - he does not have a point. The decision to leave is always a choice of one life over another whether another family is involved or not. It is an excuse to maintain the status quo. An excuse to choose not to leave. Every action or inaction involves a choice. He has made his choice again and again over the past 8 years by staying with his wife. Its a matter of when you are going to accept that. I cant imgaine how painful it must be but that is his choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 ok so here goes! I have been having an affair with a married man for 7.5 years. At one point I told him that this was unfair to me Unfair to you?? and I wanted marriage and a family. By hoping someone elses family is destroyed in the process? What is the resolution to this mess>>>> Get a paternity test and take him to court for child support. Even though you are getting if from her now, it needs to be mandated. Cuz that support is, at this time, at HER discretion it seems. But question is, would you do that knowing that you wouldn't get as much money since he doesn't really make the money and you can't go after HER money. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I understand what you are saying and your predicament but I have a question. He told you that his wife holds all the cards financially which is the reason he stays. She has the retirement and the children's college funds. Well, the college funds are for the kids regardless of whether or not they divorce. With the ages of 2 of the kids already into college, a divorce will not not affect either parents ability to pay whats left for the younger. As to his wife and the retirement - they have been married so long that either of their retirements would be shared with the spouse, nop matter when they divorce. If she earns more, the child support he pays for the remaining child wont even be that high. It just sounds like he is snowing you saying he stays for financial reasons. AND that he is trying to snow his wife completely. He is not going to leave and make a family with you and your child. If he does leave, it sounds like unless his wife pays it, you wont even get support willingly from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Unfair to you?? By hoping someone elses family is destroyed in the process? Get a paternity test and take him to court for child support. Even though you are getting if from her now, it needs to be mandated. Cuz that support is, at this time, at HER discretion it seems. But question is, would you do that knowing that you wouldn't get as much money since he doesn't really make the money and you can't go after HER money. Yes ufair to me ! I entered the relationship under the pretense that he wanted out of the marriage and that has not happened! ***I did not cheat on my wife or husband*** I never took vows to remain faithful to her*** he cheated on his wife and thereby destroyed his own family and his own relationship! I did not go beg him to jump in bed with me! THis is a very very long affair so lets look at it like it is... I do not need a paternity test... THere is no question of who the father is. He and I know that and so does she! His name is on the birth cert and my child has his last name! SHe does write the check and stick it in the mail but not really at her discretion!! SHE wanted to avoid a public display of our private matters and we all agreed on a fair amount of support for the child! He pays the support to her and she writes a check.... And I am not sure what state you are from that would allow the OW to sue the W of a man that fathered a child for child support... her income is not included in what would be factored in for child support only his and we went by state guidelines and did just that! He is not a dead beat that would ever let his child do without anything... I think the misconception here is that we had a sexual affair and saw each other occassionally to have sex. That is not the case in the least! I saw him several times a week and not for sex. We have a relationship. wE go to movies out to eat pay bills together etc. He essentially created another family outside of the one he already had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 I understand what you are saying and your predicament but I have a question. He told you that his wife holds all the cards financially which is the reason he stays. She has the retirement and the children's college funds. Well, the college funds are for the kids regardless of whether or not they divorce. With the ages of 2 of the kids already into college, a divorce will not not affect either parents ability to pay whats left for the younger. As to his wife and the retirement - they have been married so long that either of their retirements would be shared with the spouse, nop matter when they divorce. If she earns more, the child support he pays for the remaining child wont even be that high. It just sounds like he is snowing you saying he stays for financial reasons. AND that he is trying to snow his wife completely. He is not going to leave and make a family with you and your child. If he does leave, it sounds like unless his wife pays it, you wont even get support willingly from him. I agree with part of what you are saying.. I think that he uses that as an excuse somewhat (financial). But she is not actually paying his child support. He pays it to her and she writes me a check because she does not want him to have any contact with me at all. She wants to communicate with me about his child and him have nothing to do with me or the child. He still sees me and the child 3-5 times a week and on weekends and holidays too. He buys gifts for special occassions, she just knows nothing about that. She thinks that our relationship was over when she found everything out but in reality we never quit seeing each other. I am not saying that I believe that he will leave... I know that a lot of what he tells both of us is traced with lies to allow him to continue the affair and the marriage. I am at a turning point where I either want him to leave or I will leave him........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Loulou - he does not have a point. The decision to leave is always a choice of one life over another whether another family is involved or not. It is an excuse to maintain the status quo. An excuse to choose not to leave. Every action or inaction involves a choice. He has made his choice again and again over the past 8 years by staying with his wife. Its a matter of when you are going to accept that. I cant imgaine how painful it must be but that is his choice. This is the exact information that I came here for!!!! THis is what I need to hear! Thank you so much! I need to hear this it helps me so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 She is very decent. However, she sends his money to me because she does not want him having any contact with me at all. She does not want her children to know about my baby with their daD( the kids are 21 19 and 11) SO while she is a very nice obviously caring understanding woman she has her motives and reasons...How can she not know he is capable of great deceit when she knows he has a 7.5 year relationship with me??? Whatever her reasons, she is treating you better than you deserve to be treated after what you have done. She is being decent and if her motives aren't as pure as you would like, remember she is the wife(the one who is legally entitled to most if not all of his assets, disability and death benefits. Your child is entitled, you aren't) you are the accessory to his great deceit for 7.5 years, she is not. If she chooses to protect her children from the deceit the 2 of you have brought into their lives.... how can you hold anything against her? You almost sound as if she owes you something for him being a liar. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Good post BNB. This is the exact information that I came here for!!!! THis is what I need to hear! Thank you so much! I need to hear this it helps me so much!! Okay, so with that being said, what are you going to do to change your life? Let me ask, why are YOU hanging onto a man who isn't willing to leave his wife and kids for you and your new child? He didn't say vows to you, so just because he has a child with you, doesn't mean he's obligated to you..He IS obligated to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yes ufair to me ! I entered the relationship under the pretense that he wanted out of the marriage and that has not happened! ***I did not cheat on my wife or husband*** I never took vows to remain faithful to her*** he cheated on his wife and thereby destroyed his own family and his own relationship! I did not go beg him to jump in bed with me! THis is a very very long affair so lets look at it like it is... I do not need a paternity test... THere is no question of who the father is. He and I know that and so does she! His name is on the birth cert and my child has his last name! SHe does write the check and stick it in the mail but not really at her discretion!! SHE wanted to avoid a public display of our private matters and we all agreed on a fair amount of support for the child! He pays the support to her and she writes a check.... And I am not sure what state you are from that would allow the OW to sue the W of a man that fathered a child for child support... her income is not included in what would be factored in for child support only his and we went by state guidelines and did just that! He is not a dead beat that would ever let his child do without anything... I think the misconception here is that we had a sexual affair and saw each other occassionally to have sex. That is not the case in the least! I saw him several times a week and not for sex. We have a relationship. wE go to movies out to eat pay bills together etc. He essentially created another family outside of the one he already had. You didn't take any vows of marriage(fidelity) and apparently none of self preservation or human decency toward another mother. You didn't cheat, but you added another to hurt others by willing allowing him into your nether regions. Unless of course he climbed on and raped you for 7+ years. And if that is the case his arse should be in jail and you should be the one to put that filthy ba*sta*d there. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Good post BNB. Okay, so with that being said, what are you going to do to change your life? Let me ask, why are YOU hanging onto a man who isn't willing to leave his wife and kids for you and your new child? He didn't say vows to you, so just because he has a child with you, doesn't mean he's obligated to you..He IS obligated to his wife. Well said. We know his obligation to his child. What is his obligation to you.... the one on the side for so many years? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 We have a relationship. wE go to movies out to eat pay bills together etc. He essentially created another family outside of the one he already had. Bottomline, he for 7+ years still decided to stay married and you became (and put up with) being the OW in his life. He never had ANY intention of ending his marriage, I would think after this much time you'd realize this. I bet if you asked his wife how their marriage was 7 years ago she would tell you everything was fine and never once mentioned divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Paying bills with another woman's husband doesn't make you a family. Having a child and pretending to be happy(we all know you aren't happy with the situation or you wouldn't be here)doesn't make you a family. Being the ow he sleeps with for years, doesn't make you a family. What makes you a family is when he commits to your well being, financially, emotionally, spiritually and with pride and dignity. Has he offered that to you or your child, or are you still hidden from all the relatives? The cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles and we already know about the siblings. You should be planning an answer for you child about this situation. You should also go read Mistresswithchildren's threads. Open you eyes if not to your own situation, to what she and her children have had to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
sunup Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Funny how it took you 7 years to "accidentally" get pregnant, but congratulations! I think he moved forward with the pregnancy out of guilt. How could he deny you the right to be a mother? Youve put in a lot of sweat to get this far The choice is yours, you need to make a decision for your child. He obviously is not going anywhere-- the only thing he can offer you is status quo. Theres no denying you are someone special to him, share alot of good memories together and created a child out of love but youre not his wife and never will be. Its status quo or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Paying bills with another woman's husband doesn't make you a family. Having a child and pretending to be happy(we all know you aren't happy with the situation or you wouldn't be here)doesn't make you a family. Being the ow he sleeps with for years, doesn't make you a family. What makes you a family is when he commits to your well being, financially, emotionally, spiritually and with pride and dignity. Has he offered that to you or your child, or are you still hidden from all the relatives? The cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles and we already know about the siblings. You should be planning an answer for you child about this situation. You should also go read Mistresswithchildren's threads. Open you eyes if not to your own situation, to what she and her children have had to deal with. It is funny you mention the extended family, I have been a part of their lives as well and they all know about me. I have been to many of their homes and many have been to mine numerous times. I certainly see all of the situations clearly for her and her children as well as me and mine. Our relationship has never been a purely sexual relationship as you seem to suggest. We have a life together it is not that big of a secret. He did create a family. He wanted us to have a child together and I agreed under the assumption that he was leaving. The first 4 years of the relationship I was continuing my education so it was best to continue with the affair until after graduation. It just hasnt progressed from there. I realize that this is not an honorable position to be in as the OW but thank you for pointing it out again for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Funny how it took you 7 years to "accidentally" get pregnant, but congratulations! I think he moved forward with the pregnancy out of guilt. How could he deny you the right to be a mother? Youve put in a lot of sweat to get this far The choice is yours, you need to make a decision for your child. He obviously is not going anywhere-- the only thing he can offer you is status quo. Theres no denying you are someone special to him, share alot of good memories together and created a child out of love but youre not his wife and never will be. Its status quo or move on. Not sure where you read that I "accidentally" got myself pregnant. He wanted to get me pregnant and we stopped using contraception. I cant ejaculate in myself.... However if you are insinuating that I slipped up and missed pills to get preg you are mistaken. I would never have a child to hang on to a man... This was a planned pregnancy. I think that he feels obligated to his responsibilities at home and here. I know that all he is offering is status quo and that is why I came here. We have talked to no end about resolving the situation. I have told him if he wanted to salvage his marriage that I would walk away and she would never know that we were still together... He knows I am sincere. I have left him and he has come back begging and cryin for me to please give him a little more time to work things out. I called his wife and told her everything and he came back. I know this is not a healthy situation for any one involved. It is bad at any angle that you look at it from. But that does not negate the fact that i am in love with him. I need to hear a lot of the things everyone is saying though. They are the same things that I have said to him time and time again. Link to post Share on other sites
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