Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 But my question for you is do you think it is better for the parents to be miserable for the sake of the children? Is it not better for the parents to be happy and actually inject that happiness in the lives of their children. Kids are not dumb they know when things are not kosher at home. Loulou, I understand that the heart wants what the heart wants. I personally would not stay long-term in an unsuccessful marriage as, unlike some other posts I see here ("we never fight in front of the kids; they have no idea what's going on..."), I'm not that good of an actor. Some things you can't hide. I also wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be married and committed to me. But that's different than holding your spouse as an uninformed emotional hostage while you explore your options. If I deserve to be happy (what ever that means), doesn't my spouse deserve the same thing? And to be able to look for it in the same way I am by making the same informed choices? Here's what desertmoon wrote about her husband's cheating and it's effect on her: the bad thing about his first infidelity was that something died inside of me And yet part of her coping mechanism for the pain of that betrayal has been to collaborate with her MM to betray his spouse in the same way. How does that make sense? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 But that's different than holding your spouse as an uninformed emotional hostage while you explore your options. If I deserve to be happy (what ever that means), doesn't my spouse deserve the same thing? And to be able to look for it in the same way I am by making the same informed choices? Mr. Lucky If there were awards for the best posts, you win! "Uninformed emotional hostage" Great use of words Mr. Lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 "If he said look I am going to stay and make my marriage work, I would walk away." Young lady, he says that to you EVERY TIME he leaves you to go home to his wife. You just are not listening to him Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 "If he said look I am going to stay and make my marriage work, I would walk away." Young lady, he says that to you EVERY TIME he leaves you to go home to his wife. You just are not listening to him OK, that works, but I would say it's more like: I want it all so don't do anything to rock the boat and I (MM) will be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Of course, Herenow, that is what HE is thinking. I believe the only thing she needs to focus are on his actions... and that he is most concerned with his happiness. That should be enough for her to do what she knows she needs to do. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Of course, Herenow, that is what HE is thinking. I believe the only thing she needs to focus are on his actions... and that he is most concerned with his happiness. That should be enough for her to do what she knows she needs to do. Agreed...(added because I need 10 characters to post) Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I know! Doesn't that bug you? It bugs me! Sometimes, a simple 'yes' or 'no' reply is all that's needed. But can we do that? No. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you all so much. This site has helped me say some tough things to MM that I never wanted to say. I think that over the years I have listened to him repeat the same things so many times they became like a fact to me and that it was all concrete and true... I keep reading and re reading the posts and I see where I am like no but you people dont understand... I am now realizing that it was me that didnt understand. I am waking up and smelling the coffee. For those of you who have told me how wrong I was for being with a MM I already knew it wasnt right but thank you for your opinions of me. For those of you talking about the older MM. You were right on target he is 15yrs older than me and I think our maturity levels just evened out. Women obviously mature faster than men so I had an age gap to overcome and I am finally seeing things more clearly... NOt that I am a complete moron... just where he is concerned I guess... Regardless of the circumstances... He has had almost 8 years to make a decision and he chose to stay at home... I am choosing to move on with my life and if THEY want to give me a break every other weekend have at it and if not so be it... Again, thank you to everyone regardless of your comments as they were all useful. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I hope you stay strong, loulou. And I hope things work out for you, both personally and professionally... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 You can not carry on a single affair for almost 8 years and love your wife.. Loulou, a man can love more than one woman at a time (yes, and a woman can love more than one man at a time) but it is frowned upon by our society because things get out of hand with people getting less than, or jealous, or other complications... but it doesn't take away from the fact that your OM may well love you both. Just in different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Loulou, a man can love more than one woman at a time (yes, and a woman can love more than one man at a time) but it is frowned upon by our society because things get out of hand with people getting less than, or jealous, or other complications... but it doesn't take away from the fact that your OM may well love you both. Just in different ways. I think that you can love more than one person at a time... I do not however think you can be in love with more than one person at a time. I think that he loves himself more than either of us so it is a moot point now anyway isnt it??? I have thought about it through reading these posts and there is so much more to me than this... I am on a message board for support and understanding.. essentially begging someone to listen to me and converse about this with me because I can not get results from the A that I have been in so I sought out advice from a message board. Initially I turned to him but like so many have said he is content with things just like they are (so I am the one in turmoil not him..) I needed answers that he chose not to provide. I am over it!! I have given plenty of my life and time to him and non longer wish to benefit him by engaging myself in behavior that is negatively affecting my life. I can not remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled due to my self absorbency in this mess... that is until I found LS. Many of the comments made me laugh out loud literally... It really was exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 i'm really proud of you and your strength to make this decision. know that you will need to continue to post just to stay strong as this will take a lot of courage. expect him to tell you ALL the things you've waited 8 years to hear. do not go on his words but his actions. he will probably move out just to string you along for an extended period of time. do not fall or this ploy! unless he has the stamped FINAL divorce papers he is still married and will most likely just go back to where he is familiar - comfortable or not, happy or not... he'll still go back to the wife. if you choose to participate at that juncture - you are in for an extreme ride on an emotional roller coaster. stay strong.. keep posting. you're making great progress. you deserve to have a happy and fulfilling life too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think that you can love more than one person at a time... I do not however think you can be in love with more than one person at a time. I think that he loves himself more than either of us so it is a moot point now anyway isnt it??? I have thought about it through reading these posts and there is so much more to me than this... I am on a message board for support and understanding.. essentially begging someone to listen to me and converse about this with me because I can not get results from the A that I have been in so I sought out advice from a message board. Initially I turned to him but like so many have said he is content with things just like they are (so I am the one in turmoil not him..) I needed answers that he chose not to provide. I am over it!! I have given plenty of my life and time to him and non longer wish to benefit him by engaging myself in behavior that is negatively affecting my life. I can not remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled due to my self absorbency in this mess... that is until I found LS. Many of the comments made me laugh out loud literally... It really was exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it! Thanks sunny but after 8 years I think I have seen and heard nearly all of the tricks he has in his bag. I know that he will not want to walk away and not try to salvage this relationship but at this point he doesnt have many options where I am concerned. Really if it had to get to this point for him to actually leave, I am not sure I really want him if he did leave now... TOO LITTLE TOO LATE. I saw a signature on someones post and it changed everything for me (funny how that happens) it said something -like -dont make someone your priority while you remain an option to them- made perfect sense to me and something clicked in my head and heart the moment I read it... not sure why but it did. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 now that you have set a new "safe" boundary for the happiness of your future and the opportunity for a man to give you a true relationship - you are on your way to a more positive outcome. he will constantly try to get you to adjust your boundary to include him and his selfish needs. keep your own best interest in mind when he tries to take you down his familiar road. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it will be easier now for you to break things off with him when he goes through his familiar repertoire to see which one is going to work on you This time.... he will try all of the old ones, and some new ones... in my case, H resorted to crying, nay -- Weeping and sobbing (never saw him cry before in 22 years) and he also tried suicide threats. sigh. Be prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it will be easier now for you to break things off with him when he goes through his familiar repertoire to see which one is going to work on you This time.... he will try all of the old ones, and some new ones... in my case, H resorted to crying, nay -- Weeping and sobbing (never saw him cry before in 22 years) and he also tried suicide threats. sigh. Be prepared. Oh absolutely be on the look out for these things, loulou. You will go back and forth with this until it is finally ended romantically. But most of all, if you haven't already, take him to court for child support. Make it official. Not to hurt him or his W. But because when he realizes that you are seriously breaking things off (if that actually happens), the money she is sending you will mysteriously dry up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it will be easier now for you to break things off with him when he goes through his familiar repertoire to see which one is going to work on you This time.... he will try all of the old ones, and some new ones... in my case, H resorted to crying, nay -- Weeping and sobbing (never saw him cry before in 22 years) and he also tried suicide threats. sigh. Be prepared. Suicidal over tones have definately been picked up on in recent conversations.. the NC doesnt really work for me its not my personality plus we have a child.... however, I said you love yourself too much for that Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Suicidal over tones have definately been picked up on in recent conversations.. the NC doesnt really work for me its not my personality plus we have a child.... however, I said you love yourself too much for that you already said you know he loves himself the most. He will not commit suicide. It is pure manipulation. Get angry for the life he stole from you. Get angry for your young college years. If he mentions suicide ask him if he'd like you to call 911 for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 you already said you know he loves himself the most. He will not commit suicide. It is pure manipulation. Get angry for the life he stole from you. Get angry for your young college years. If he mentions suicide ask him if he'd like you to call 911 for him. 911? At this point I am thinking it would be favor to me and the W if he did. Wouldnt that solve both our misery? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Short-term, yes. Long-term? Definitely not. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 he chose to stay at home... I am choosing to move on with my life and if THEY want to give me a break every other weekend have at it and if not so be it. Sounds good. I mean, how much can you "love" this guy to wait for him forever to come to you. After a while you get tired. But of course, in the mean time you can still all be happy. Especially since the wife is so nice etc. And is good that your son knows his father and plays. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think donnamaybe and greengoddess hit this middle-aged Lothario's MO on the nose. These mean count on the fact that young college-aged women simply don't know the true dynamics of long-term relationships and can be fed whatever line they think will stick for the time being. But having a child really grows some of us women up. We start to call spades - spades. To have the start of your adulthood dominated by such a sucky situation is angering. Loulou, you will start to get angry so don't be surprised when it hits. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Suicidal over tones have definately been picked up on in recent conversations.. the NC doesnt really work for me its not my personality plus we have a child.... however, I said you love yourself too much for that Yeah, my H loves himself too, too much to kill himself. However, I DID call 911 the last time he intimated he was going to kill himself... guess what he did? He went upstairs, changed his shirt, brushed his hair, sprayed on some nice deoderant, tucked a book under his arm (he assumed he was going to be arrested, lol) and went outside for a cigarette... by the time the cops arrived, H was nice and calm and well groomed, and then there was me -- eyes red from crying and not well groomed... and stressed out... now who do you think they were going to believe?! hmmm -- and interesting to see that a man supposedly on the brink of suicide had the foresight to groom himself for the cops -- but that is narcissism for you anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Ok so I am only like 36 hours into NC but I am not sure what the wholw point of NC even is? Is it to make him realize I am done? Is it to force a decision? Is it just to end the A? What is it for? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Ok so I am only like 36 hours into NC but I am not sure what the wholw point of NC even is? Is it to make him realize I am done? Is it to force a decision? Is it just to end the A? What is it for? It's to help you move on and heal. Every contact with him sends you into a frenzy of thought and hope and wondering and questions and wishes. When you eliminate those contacts, eventually, your pain and feelings for him will fade. It will still take time, a lot of it, but it will be a lot quicker than if you continue to have contact and set yourself back to square one each time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts