Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Whatever her reasons, she is treating you better than you deserve to be treated after what you have done. She is being decent and if her motives aren't as pure as you would like, remember she is the wife(the one who is legally entitled to most if not all of his assets, disability and death benefits. Your child is entitled, you aren't) you are the accessory to his great deceit for 7.5 years, she is not. If she chooses to protect her children from the deceit the 2 of you have brought into their lives.... how can you hold anything against her? You almost sound as if she owes you something for him being a liar. After what I have done?? I hate when it becomes the OW fault a MM cheated. I did not drag him out of his house or marriage. THere were obviously issues and I am a product of those issues not the cause. I am not interested in his assets or benefits... I think his children and wife are entitled... never had an interest in that.... I dont think she owes me anything no respect no kindness never expected it. I think that she has her own motives but I am not concerned about her motives... He sought out an affair put your daggers away. I am responsible for sleeping with a MM but I am not responsible for the problems that were present before I became involved. Their marital issues existed before me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Bottomline, he for 7+ years still decided to stay married and you became (and put up with) being the OW in his life. He never had ANY intention of ending his marriage, I would think after this much time you'd realize this. I bet if you asked his wife how their marriage was 7 years ago she would tell you everything was fine and never once mentioned divorce. I wish that were true, it would make it easier to walk away... but she told me herself that their marriage has never been on solid ground but that no one in her family has ever divorced so she doesnt want to be the first. She does love him, but she is having a hard time knowing from him and me the relationship we had and for the period of time. I think they both want to end the marriage but they both have their own reasons for hanging on and I guess I do too..... Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I'm new here and a bit disturbed by some of the responses. Hello?!?! I thought this was a SUPPORT board? Loulou - I hear you. You're in a tough place and it's made tougher because you have a child involved. I guess my question is - what do you think is realistic? As in, do you think it's realistic to maintain what you have with your MM (the way it is) indefinitely? I know that's not exactly what you "want" but I'm throwing it out there as an option. Or do you think it's more realistic to have a different sort of set up since your child is involved? (which always complicates things - b/c it's not just about you anymore) I don't have a solution for you - just trying to get a better feel for your situation. I'm sending you lots of hugs! (to make up for all the negativity I've read) Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Good post BNB. Okay, so with that being said, what are you going to do to change your life? Let me ask, why are YOU hanging onto a man who isn't willing to leave his wife and kids for you and your new child? He didn't say vows to you, so just because he has a child with you, doesn't mean he's obligated to you..He IS obligated to his wife. In the beginning I was in the relationship purely for love... Over the years we bonded and became very close. I have stayed with him since the child was born to allow them to be a part of each others lives without injecting my child into the lives of his other children... I have never said that he is obligated to me at all. I have done things that most MMwould leave an affair for such as calling his wife and telling her everything... But he has continued to tell me that he wants to marry me and be here with me... I know it is all just words and that actions speak louder than words. I have told him recently that I am getting my life together and that I am going to leave him... He knows I am serious. He has been a great person and friend to me as well as having an intimate relationship with me so I am not bitter towards him... I guess I have been wasting time waiting on him to tell me what he is going to do but his actions have shown me what he is going to do!! I will leave him soon though I have no choice.... I have to do what is right for my baby.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I'm new here and a bit disturbed by some of the responses. Hello?!?! I thought this was a SUPPORT board? Loulou - I hear you. You're in a tough place and it's made tougher because you have a child involved. I guess my question is - what do you think is realistic? As in, do you think it's realistic to maintain what you have with your MM (the way it is) indefinitely? I know that's not exactly what you "want" but I'm throwing it out there as an option. Or do you think it's more realistic to have a different sort of set up since your child is involved? (which always complicates things - b/c it's not just about you anymore) I don't have a solution for you - just trying to get a better feel for your situation. I'm sending you lots of hugs! (to make up for all the negativity I've read) Some people get on here and their own lives stare them in the face and it causes bitter responses. Thanks for the support. I know in no way is it realistic to continue things like they are and he and I have discussed this for the last several weeks.... He wants to be a part of the baby's life whether we are together or not so I am sure that some other set up will have to be devised to raise the child. He showed up this morning and stayed for about 4 hours and played and we talked while the little one napped. WE both know decisions have to be made. I just cant walk away. Sounds easy enough but he swears he loves me and his actions show that he does but we both realize there are more lives at stake and more feelings at stake than ours and this child. His wife and other children have lives hanging in the balance and so do me and my child.... His life hangs in the balance somewhere in the midst of all of that.... Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I just cant walk away. Sounds easy enough but he swears he loves me and his actions show that he does but we both realize there are more lives at stake and more feelings at stake than ours and this child. I know Loulou, I know. I completely understand the "can't walk away" part. And NO it's not easy AT ALL. Don't believe anyone who tells you it's "easy". That just means they've never been there and have no idea how difficult it is. It's hard when you love each other - it really is. Especially when he SHOWS you he loves you, and you FEEL it and you KNOW it. I hope that both you and your MM can figure this all out. I will keep my fingers crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I know Loulou, I know. I completely understand the "can't walk away" part. And NO it's not easy AT ALL. Don't believe anyone who tells you it's "easy". That just means they've never been there and have no idea how difficult it is. It's hard when you love each other - it really is. Especially when he SHOWS you he loves you, and you FEEL it and you KNOW it. I hope that both you and your MM can figure this all out. I will keep my fingers crossed. Thank you but I am not holding my breath. when he is here i can hear her on his cell raising hell about how he acts like he is unhappy at home etc so i know he is not just lying about the whole situation. It is harder to walk away because of that...yet he still has not left and I am not willing to keep wasting time waiting on him to figure out how he can leave and help support two families and make it all work for everyone involved... I sincerely thank you for your warmth caring and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Thank you but I am not holding my breath. when he is here i can hear her on his cell raising hell about how he acts like he is unhappy at home etc so i know he is not just lying about the whole situation. It is harder to walk away because of that...yet he still has not left and I am not willing to keep wasting time waiting on him to figure out how he can leave and help support two families and make it all work for everyone involved... I sincerely thank you for your warmth caring and understanding. That alone should wake you up to the fact that he is still very married not the reversee. He is with you, on your time with your child and he is answeering her phone calls. He's not ignoring them, he's not ignoring her calls. He's answering them when with you. When he is with his wife does he take phone calls from you? Don't let him waste anymore of your life. Why is his 10 year old more important than his baby by you? Leave him. If he can't live without you he will leave his wife. Stop hiding and living like this. To befriend his wife sickens me. You are lying to her every single time you speak to her. Do you really want to live like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I'm new here and a bit disturbed by some of the responses. Hello?!?! I thought this was a SUPPORT board? Nope, wrong. It's a discussion board and as such, you are open to opinion from everyone and anyone who comes on here. Anybody in a situation where adultery, betrayal and inconstancy is concerned is going to, at some point, get it in the neck from someone who sees it different and calls it cr*p. Deal with it. It's a public forum and the fur flies sometimes. Loulou - I hear you. You're in a tough place and it's made tougher because you have a child involved. The situation is tough and the child is the least of it. At the moment there is one guy playing two women and getting away with it with a smile on his face. I don't have a solution for you - just trying to get a better feel for your situation. I'm sending you lots of hugs! (to make up for all the negativity I've read) If you come onto a relationships forum and expect everyone to be in complete cohesion with your point - you are sadly disillusioned and living in la-la-land. There is no negativity here. Tell me one thing that anyone has said harshly that is WRONG. Just because it's harsh doesn't mean it's either negative, or false. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 loulou - His wife clearly knows he is still seeing you or must at least on occasion suspect simply because you do see him so often. So, she knows and doesnt want to know or knows and turns a blind eye. This is not uncommon at this stage in a person's life/marriage. We can call it wrong or misguided, but some women do this for what they feel are practical reasons. She wants to make sure her childrens college and her retirement are not affected by his bad decisions. This is supported by the fact that it sounds as though he hands her his paycheck, and she pays not only you but also takes care of the kids funds, returmement etc. And he , for whatever reason, is OK with this. It is quite possible that once she feels all of her ducks are in order and that everyone is taken care of, she will kick him out. Or not, but either way - she is in charge. And its hard to blame her, given his clear irresponsibililty. But YOU. Lets talk about YOU. Whether you leave him or not, whether he loves you and you love him - those things may or may not change. You have been with this man for a good period of your life. Just like his wife has. You now have a family with him. Just like his wife has. Whats different is that, regardless of the circumstance , his wife has ensured that she and the children are protected. This is especially important should something happen to him, like illness, job loss, or death. YOU and your child are on your own. For example: If he divorces and marries you, you will be entitled to part of his retirment. As it now, nothing. His children have college funds - yours do not. Federal financial aid will be figured using his income since he is the father - but he isnt required to give it. Nada. Life insurance - you can bet you and your child are not beneficiaries. Unless you get a court order for child support, your child will not be recognized under many circumstances that could come into play in the future. His practical wife is counting on this, and probably pays you diligently. Should he die, unless he specifically leaves YOU or your child something- you get nada. These are practical concerns. Why is it that you are the only one in this "love triangle" that isnt thinking about them - when you are the one to be most affected? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I don't really care about the affair for seven and a half years or that baby born in it (not in a bad way). I just think its absolutely shameful to accept this woman's money while making a fool of her. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 These are practical concerns. Why is it that you are the only one in this "love triangle" that isnt thinking about them - when you are the one to be most affected? When one thinks mostly of love, this is what happens. But practicality means that love is not enough. Love doesn't pay the bills. But deceit does. And this isn't just about loulou. I wish this man wouldn't do this to his W. His family is even in on it. I hope she files for divorce and takes him to the cleaners. Without her income or whatever, he probably doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yes ufair to me ! I entered the relationship under the pretense that he wanted out of the marriage and that has not happened! If you entered into a relationship with a married man because he lied to you about his marital status, that is one thing. But you knowingly entered a relationship with a married man. The only person this situation is unfair to is his wife. He wanted out of the marriage eh? What part of 7.5 years did I not get? ***I did not cheat on my wife or husband*** I never took vows to remain faithful to her*** he cheated on his wife and thereby destroyed his own family and his own relationship! sorry, the entitlement attitude that a married man is fair game to you isn't going to fly. the fact that the married man is more responsible for what he is doing to his wife doesn't mitigate your despicable role in it all. I did not go beg him to jump in bed with me! THis is a very very long affair so lets look at it like it is... I do not need a paternity test... THere is no question of who the father is. He and I know that and so does she! His name is on the birth cert and my child has his last name! SHe does write the check and stick it in the mail but not really at her discretion!! SHE wanted to avoid a public display of our private matters and we all agreed on a fair amount of support for the child! He pays the support to her and she writes a check.... Ah, so let me get this straight. You have no loyalty to his wife, you don't feel responsible for screwing another woman's husband.......but you'll take her money?? And I am not sure what state you are from that would allow the OW to sue the W of a man that fathered a child for child support... her income is not included in what would be factored in for child support only his and we went by state guidelines and did just that! Apparantly you didn't understand what I said. I never said you can sue her. You'd have to go after his income. Question is, would you if you knew you could get more out of his wife without a public display rather than doing it properly and legally by taking HIM to court? But you are already taking HER money, so I think I might have my answer already. He is not a dead beat that would ever let his child do without anything... I think the misconception here is that we had a sexual affair and saw each other occassionally to have sex. That is not the case in the least! what difference does it make whether it was once or a thousand times? This was, as you say, going on for years. I saw him several times a week and not for sex. We have a relationship. wE go to movies out to eat pay bills together etc. He essentially created another family outside of the one he already had. And you went along with it as if you were totally innocent of it all. No accountability on your part. You will take her money though. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 This story is incredible. You sleep with a married guy for over 7 years, have a kid with him and accept money from his wife? Are you the product of inbreeding, by any chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Let's balance the equation. If you have a family with him, and his wife has a family with him, then that sort of puts the playing field level. He loves you, he doesn't love her; tilt the balance down in your favor. He is happy when he is with you, he is unhappy when he is away from you; balances goes further towards you. Two of his kids are older, leaving only one eligible for child support, and you have one child who is receiving the same child support that his 10 year old would get (since you based it on his salary already); no change in balance, but you are still in the lead. So why isn't he with you? Frankly, if his extended family are still including you in activities and they all know that you are still seeing your MM, then that makes me feel a bit sorry for MM's wife. Her husband is lying to her horribly, her own family is lying to her, and she is in the dark about it all - and still managing to behave well. She's better than most BSs! Link to post Share on other sites
Adri Ana Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Loulou101, Lucky One just made a great conclusion indeed . But I would love to add (I wont start now to gospel that you had not to enter this all , as its done and no need to cry over a spilt milk) that this guy , your MM , is behaving more than weird. If he loves you,if he is happy with you,if he sees you 3-5 times a week,if he spends holidays with you , if he is unhappy with his wife,if his kids are all grown up , then wtf happens?Why he does not marry you divorcing a wife ? You are telling that he wants to wait a bit till his kids get allmoney for studies . Bullsh*t! His wife as a mother of those kids will anyway pay for the studies of their kids ! He has nothing to worry of that . Think over the reasons why he is against marrying you . As I cant understand the reason myself, sorry,but cant .Anyway your text does not allow and let me realize that . ____ I hope you love a Man ,and not a sh*t. ____ Best of luck to you . Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Humm... let's see.. When I fell out of love/lust with my first SO, he was like a 'brother' I loved him like a best friend not a SO anymore.. I even told him, at one point, that he could have a mistress.... so I would be left alone in bed... (he refused.. anyway)... Let's see he would have agreed... then he would have put the OW pregnant.. and let's say I didn't want out of the relationship, because of our kids, financial comfort, etc... then I would have agreed to pay child support..but keep my husband... that's probably what she intends to do.. and he is too 'wimp' to take his own decisions... He will not leave her, because he probably doesn't want to leave his 'financial comfortable' life with her and his kids, family and friends... it's that simple. Sometimes, people just agree to live a comfortable 'boring' life with their best friend, kids, family ... and if he/she has someone on the side and the partner knows it.. well why would he/she leave?... Link to post Share on other sites
sunup Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Seems as this is one of those poly type arrangements, theres no getting married later when his kids grow up, what you see is what you get. and I think youre fine with that. But to give you some security you should probably get a life insurance policy on him and set up a college fund for the baby. Ask him to pay for it or at least contribute to it and then have one more kid... a child needs someone to lean on when things get hard and who could understand better...and that will definitely give you the upper hand: 2 kids at home vrs her one Do some research on polys, thats probably your best bet on what to tell the little one when the questions start. You're in a no win situation, you cant leave because the kids needs a dad. you cant stay because the kid needs a real dad. -- You gotta leave if you want sanity, somewhere far where no one knows your name or your history. Find a decent man that can be a dad and a husband. Not easy but do-able. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Her husband is lying to her horribly, her own family is lying to her, and she is in the dark about it all - and still managing to behave well. She's better than most BSs! At least his wife knows he has a baby with another woman. I don't know why she hasn't kicked his worthless butt out of the house. You said a mouthful, she is better than most BSs. she is sending money for this child. At least the wife is thinking about this kid. God love her. Link to post Share on other sites
mrose2008 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Originally Posted by whichwayisup Good post BNB. Okay, so with that being said, what are you going to do to change your life? Let me ask, why are YOU hanging onto a man who isn't willing to leave his wife and kids for you and your new child? He didn't say vows to you, so just because he has a child with you, doesn't mean he's obligated to you..He IS obligated to his wife. Well said..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I don't really care about the affair for seven and a half years or that baby born in it (not in a bad way). I just think its absolutely shameful to accept this woman's money while making a fool of her. So he shouldnt pay support for his child?? It is his money that he gives her and she sends it to avoid interaction between me and him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 This story is incredible. You sleep with a married guy for over 7 years, have a kid with him and accept money from his wife? Are you the product of inbreeding, by any chance? Did you read the posts? It is not her money it is his... she sends it to avoid me and her husband having any contact... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Let's balance the equation. If you have a family with him, and his wife has a family with him, then that sort of puts the playing field level. He loves you, he doesn't love her; tilt the balance down in your favor. He is happy when he is with you, he is unhappy when he is away from you; balances goes further towards you. Two of his kids are older, leaving only one eligible for child support, and you have one child who is receiving the same child support that his 10 year old would get (since you based it on his salary already); no change in balance, but you are still in the lead. So why isn't he with you? Frankly, if his extended family are still including you in activities and they all know that you are still seeing your MM, then that makes me feel a bit sorry for MM's wife. Her husband is lying to her horribly, her own family is lying to her, and she is in the dark about it all - and still managing to behave well. She's better than most BSs! There is not a doubt that she is behaving above and beyond anything she should do. I am not mad at her or jealous. She actually seems like a great person... but the post was not about my relationship with her it was about mine and his relationship and people helping me realize that I am not crazy for wanting to walk away from a relationship of that length of time. I guess I needed reassurance that I was wasting my time and that he was not leaving.... Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Did you read the posts? It is not her money it is his... she sends it to avoid me and her husband having any contact... OOOOH. Never mind. This is a much healthier situation than I realized. I'll never forget when dear old mom was doing her MM. What fun we all had, going to movies, roasting marshmellows, spending the hoildays together, etc. It was a blissful childhood and I am forever grateful for what mom modeled for us kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loulou101 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 OOOOH. Never mind. This is a much healthier situation than I realized. I'll never forget when dear old mom was doing her MM. What fun we all had, going to movies, roasting marshmellows, spending the hoildays together, etc. It was a blissful childhood and I am forever grateful for what mom modeled for us kids. What an ass ha ha ... this is the my kids father not some married man I am screwing with my kids from so other relationship in the house.. I am here for support not a lesson on morals. Obviously the relationship is wrong but I am looking to resolve the situation and every time I try to leave he tells me I am crazy.... I was looking for support in that it would do more good than harm to the child by leaving his father. It is not as black and white as it is being made out to be. It is a complicated situation that has been ongoing for a long period of time. But if it makes you feel better to try to make me feel worse go right ahead. I am sure you are a perfect person that has never done anything you werent proud of.... never needed support or guidance... I truly hope you feel better........ you are obviously scorned Link to post Share on other sites
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