my wife is bi and wants to be with women

[Bird]

My wife and I have been married for just over 4 years. Previous to our meeting, she was a lesbian, or at least bi but dating women only. The reason I say bi is because when we met she told me she was bi (though she was never in a relationship with a man except once in h.s. - and it was bad). Anyway, we met in college - she was a junior - i was a grad student - she had just gotten out of a serious relationship with a woman whom she'd been with for 2 years. We became good friends and realized that we had deeper feeings for eachother. At that time she told me she was bi, and I told her I was cool with that (though I've always found it a little indimidating). We dated and fell in love - head over heals - and after 6 months she proposed to me, and got married. Since that time we've had sexual issues. She has been with some psycho women that used sex as a weapon against her and I think it has caused her to negatively associate sex with manipulation and getting used. During sex she seemed apprehensive and reserved and didn't seem to enjoy it - usually ending up disappointed. Orgasms just weren't curling her toes. Also, I was the first man she has had sex with. All other aspects of marriage have been great. We've worked on the sex part and have been making strides in the right direction. However, I recently came across a journal entry on our computer I wasn't meant to see, but I read it (entered by her and it was a very recent entry). I know I shouldn't have read it. I've tried to talk to her about what seemed to be troubling her, but she'd never open up, and I sensed that what I was about to read was exactly what I wanted to know. ANyway, in it she described how she still has a desire to be with a woman and that she feels that I am not meeting her needs (not specific). She said that she does love me dearly but is afraid to talk to me about it. My heart sunk and I decided to tell her that I read her entry. We talked it over and she assured me that it what she wrote was only in a moment of weakness - I guess all the stressors of her life acting on her at once - and that she would never leave me for anyone else and that she's fully committed to our marriage. But I still have my doubts. She still didn't talk to me in detail about what she was feeling - just sort of brushed it asside, "don't worry about it." I really wonder maybe she's realizing that she's a lesbian after all and that I could never give her what she needs and that she's just denying who she really is. I told her that she should not worry about hurting me and that she shoudl be true to herself and if she feels she is a lesbian then she should live that way. But I suspect she may be denying her sexual identity to spare me the heartache. Thoughts? Opinions? Criticisms?

[quankanne]

If you are her first "healthy" male relationship (as compared to the high school boyfriend who wasn't a nice guy), then she's probably thinking about the differences between a relationship with a man and a woman versus two women together. It's just different, period.

 

Ever notice how two women who have never met will start talking and most of the time find common ground? That they just seem to connect, against all odds? And how two men who've never met are okay with being in each other's company in companionable silence.

 

My first thought is that she's trying to figure out the two kinds of relationships she's been in (on top of all the sexual part, on top of having manipulative partners, etc) and it's blowing her mind so much that she's put it down in writing to help figure it out.

 

Keep encouraging communication in your relationship, in a loving way. Maybe that will develop into the kind of relationship women seem to automatically develop, maybe it won't. But it sure as heck will mean a lot to her that you are trying to be her friend as well as her spouse.

 

As for her choosing between a lesbian lifestyle and a hetero one ... I think she'll figure out what she wants and how to approach you if you appear non-threatening to her.

 

I wish you the best,

quank

[cindy0039]

I totally agree with Quankanne's advice. I think it's very good.

 

If your wife told you from the beginning that she's bi, then you should believe her. It's not black or white, lesbian or hetero. Bi means she's attracted to both sexes. It's possible for her to be married to you and love you very much and still find other women attractive. That doesn't mean she wants to leave you for a "lesbian" relationship, as you put it.

 

You said that you find her being bi a little intimidating. I'm curious about what you mean by that exactly.

 

I know some bi married women, and it is not unusual for their husbands to support them if they find themselves attracted to other bisexual women and want to have encounters with them. I guess they don't feel these sort of encounters threaten their marriage, as long as everybody involved openly communicates and they have the support of their husbands. Like Quankanne described, maybe your wife gets a different kind of need met from a woman than with a man, and I don't mean just sexual. Only she can explain her thoughts and feelings to you and hopefully she will feel comfortable enough to do that. Good luck.

[Bird]

You said that you find her being bi a little intimidating. I'm curious about what you mean by that exactly.

I know some bi married women, and it is not unusual for their husbands to support them if they find themselves attracted to other bisexual women and want to have encounters with them. I guess they don't feel these sort of encounters threaten their marriage, as long as everybody involved openly communicates and they have the support of their husbands.

 

Cindy - I mean that it makes me feel that I can't provide her with the "other half of the spectrum", if that makes any sense. In other words, I can't be both a man and a woman to her. Of course I fully accept and love her for who she is, but I wouldn't support her pursuing other women - just as I wouldn't support her pursuing other men. I realize that lots of men get turned on by the thought of their wives in the sack with another woman, or even having a 3-some, but that just does not appeal to me, nor do I think it would appeal to my wife. Too many head games there just waiting to happen, so an open marriage is out of the question for me.

 

Quankanne - ur advice sounds good, and I agree. Just to assure you - I would never approach my wife in a threatening mannar.

 

Thank you both.

[rush]

if you can't beatem join em

[Clancy]

It seems to me as though you and your wife should look into counselling. After all, marriage is supposed to mean that each partner forsakes all others. The concept of bi married women having affairs either with their partner's blessing would constitute an open marriage. Are you prepared for that type of relationship?

 

In my opinion neither married bi males nor bi females should be having affairs; they should either divorce their mates or resist straying urges. And since you are obviously distressed by your wife's conflictions I wouldn't suggest that you are a strong candidate for supporting your wife's affairs. The two of you should seek support and help from professionals in the field of marital relations.

[Bird]

No - I would not be supportive of any affairs my wife would be considering. Just not that kinda guy.