Jealously? Or just lingering in the past.

[DanTheMan]

I don't really know if I'd consider this jealously but more of resentment of my Girlfriend's past.

 

I have a problem and that's me being hung up on the past.

 

My girlfriend is 17 and I'm 18. We met via her sister, who was somewhat of a friend of mine. (We've known eachother through school for awhile but didn't really start talking til we had a college class together.) Her sister thought it'd be a good idea to set us up on a blind date. Neither me or my GF wanted to go but for some reason we both did anyway and we hit it off.

 

My girlfriend was a bit of a wild child, and still is to a degree. Since i've met her, I actually got her to quit smoking cigs (and pot) and have limited her drinking to once in a blue moon. Before I met her, she was even worse and has admited to doing cocain a couple of times. Now this isn't what really bothers, what I'm having trouble getting over is the fact that before I was in the picture she slept around... quite a bit.

 

I've always thought of sex as a very personal thing that you share between people you care about. The fact that there's guys out there that can say "remember that one time I banged that hot chick" really bothers me. She knows I have a problem and we've fought about it on more than one occassion and I must admit she's trying really hard to make me feel better about it. But it's still lingering in the back of my head. Now I love this girl to death and I know it's somewhat unreasonable because she doesn't talk to any of these people anymore but that really doesn't comfort me for some reason. One thing that does make me feel a bit better though is that out of everyone she's been with I'm the first guy she's fallen in love with.

 

I'm wondering what I can do to get over my issues with my Girlfriend's past so I can leave it where it belongs.

[BlackLace]

First, I hate to be rude but you're acting like a girl. You should thank the stars that you even got her to commit to you AND on top of that to quit smoking cigarettes AND pot AND limit her drinking....I don't know what more you have to complain about.

 

Second, you weren't in her past, if you were she wouldn't have slept around. It's not her fault that YOU can't deal with HER past. It just doesn't make sense. If she slept around while she was in the relationship, well that'd be a different story, but it just seems to me like you have something so good to be true that you're just itching to find something wrong.....and that something "wrong" has nothing to do with you, your relationship, or her love for you.

 

Hope you can get over that, because honestly, there are worse things to argue about.

 

This should always put you at ease no matter what her past was --> I'm the first guy she's fallen in love with.

[JooLee]

i guess in a way you are intimidated by her past. her experience feeds on your insecurities. it is normal.. but if you keep feeding on it and keep pushing her away by bringing it up, it will only make things worse. i would know because i used to be a "wild child" and my ex would take any opportunity during our fights to bring it up and hurt and upset me deeply about it. if it bothers you so much, imagine how she feels when you, the person that she loves n cares about thinks that way about her.

 

you have to decide. if you can forget about her past (which you had nothing to do with) or that it will forever haunt you. dont string her along if one day you're going to be like " she's a slut anyways" and walk away.

 

all the best to you.

[Charles1978]

Retroactive jealousy is a terrible thing my man. You have to forget about it. If you continue to give her a hard time about it, you'll lose her. You'll find that the older you get, the less this stuff matters. Everybody has a sexual past. Be glad that she loves you and go from there.

[lamaman3]

3 options:

 

1) Forget about her past and enjoy your relationship

2) Realize that you cant forget about it and break up with her

3) Realize that you cant forget about it and still try to date her, all the while being miserable and giving her a hard time and eventually driving her away.

 

Thats about it - Id go with #1

[FlyGuy82]

Hey Dantheman

This is a tough situation and one I know all too well. It does pass my friend. I myself have only been with a few women though my fiance has been with what I consider to be a lot. It was tough for a while and I didnt know how to deal with it. I put her through a lot as a result. Now our relationship is very average and our sex life is basically dead. I think my girlfriend was a little open to ideas of threesomes/foursomes when we first got together too. I found it all a bit too much and said some pretty nasty things and made a couple of stupid mistakes which as I said have put a massive damper on our relationship. If this hadnt have gone the way it did perhaps we'd still be happy.

 

What Im getting at is. Sort it on your own. Do NOT go into it or take it out on her. Even as much as you want to, its not right as the people have mentioned earlier. Its not your right to judge or comment on her past.

 

HOWEVER I relate to where you are coming from and Id say that like me it impacted your confidence (I was a sex god to my previous girlfriends and now I have sex once or twice a month with my fiance and more often than not premature ejaculate) and your trust as you wonder "If she could do that before, whats going to stop her from wanting to carry on sleeping around" and also "She hasnt had a serious relationship before but hooked up with people for sex, what is it about me? Does she actually love me? Does she just want to use me somehow? etc" At least thats what I went through for two years.

 

Good news is I dont worry about it. Time has passed and healed those wounds. Problem is we went through a lot to get there and now those wounds are healing and I am unhappy. So moral of the story, find some way to vent your feelings or make up your mind. DO NOT go into things with her. Ask as few questions as possible, the truth will often just hurt, especially when you dont need to know.

 

If you love her.. remind her. Dont let this get the best of you. You'll just know if she's doing you wrong. Youll know it in your gut. If you dont feel that, push the niggling paranoid thoughts out and focus on friends/family/hobbies and your life and your self esteem.

 

Sorry for the mega long post, especially considering its my first post!

 

Hope I have helped somehow. Good luck

[DanTheMan]

Thanks for the replies guys. They helped me feel at ease with these feelings and realize that finding a girl without a sexual past is going to be rare and even then it's probably not a good idea to get into something serious with a girl who hasn't explored life a bit.

 

I'm just taken aback that it happened so fast at such a young age, considering I was raised in a pretty traditional house hold. It just seems like my 17 year old girlfriend has been through more in life than most adults and I guess it kind of makes me sad she didn't have some kind of fairy tale childhood.

 

But I love her, oh so much, and I won't let my irrationalities ruin our relationship.

[mr.dream merchant]

Sometimes its not even about the sex. I knew a guy who couldn't get over the fact that his GF wanted to hook up with a guy who was a player. Its small things and big things but they all really don't matter.