how do i act when he calls?

[Lizzyb6938]

how do i act when he calls?

ok well some of you may have read my story

 

basically been apart for 2 months after 2.5 years. he broke up with me, wanted me back a week later. i said we'll see how he feels after he returns from a 1.5 month holiday to europe. he contacted continuously while he was away, sweet things like picture messages and i miss you etc. he's back now and all i've had is how are you text messages. the last one said 'hi lizzy, just wanted to say hi, so hi lol. how are you? do you still want to hear from me?' didn't write back for a while coz i was contemplating no contact because i was sick of text messages but eventually said 'hey yeah sounds good, a call next week would be great.' he agreed saying he'd call this week.

 

over the weekend he wrote 'hey lizzy, are you out in the city at the moment? i know im still calling next week but im not out much so i just thought i'd just check and see if you were.' I wrote back saying 'sorry not tonight. hope you're having fun.' he wrote back saying 'not really, just got home now. sorry if i woke you. now i know why i don't go into the city much lol.' i didn't write back.

 

so now i'm waiting for his call. we haven't spoken on the phone in two months and i'm so nervous. i don't know how to act- whether i should be cool, calm, collected, reserved and not give away much or my normal happy bubbly self. whether i should suggest a catch up (in reality I'd love for him to suggest a catch up which is what last time we saw each other we said we'd do) and how long we should chat before i end the conversation (i've been speaking to people and they've told me to keep it short to keep him wanting more.)

 

i've been keeping my mind off him for the last two months, having fun, going out with a guy or two, went away for two weeks, but i miss him. it's going to be so weird hearing his voice again, it's been so long.

[Adri Ana]

His lolling messages suggest he is fun

and it would be great to have him beside ,

but all you need is just to ask him seriously

to stop lolling .. and tell you what he is really abt

about your relationship together .

 

 

He is missing you too ,if he remembers at all to text message you

[Lizzyb6938]

well he ended up calling last night, the home phone and my mobile. i missed both coz i was out and my phone was on silent but he left a voice message saying 'hey lizzy just wanted to say hi, but you're obviously busy. i'll call back tomorrow.' he sounded so not like himself, really quiet, reserved and a bit down. i didn't know what to make of it. whether he was sad, or maybe just indifferent.

 

 

 

 

i played it to my friends and she said 'oh lizzy he sounds terrible.' both mum and my friends said i should msg back so i wrote. hey sorry missed you're call. going to bed so will speak to you tomoz.' so nervous about speaking tonight. got a feeling both of us will have our barriers up. i will just be nice and friendly

[nature]

Why did he break up with you?

[selena_cat]

hey Lizzie

here is what you can do, afte reading the archaic "Rules" and "Men who love Bitches" and literally not folowing anything they say:eek: i have learned the hard way,that people take things for granted if something comes to easily

obviously or maybe yoru relationship w/him has got him guessing

now time to turn the tables

even my grandmother has told me all this

you are doing the right thing by not being TOO available

i read this new book How Not to Get Dumped

and it has helped me out soo much,Avid reader am i..i do read literary novels:)

anyway, be calm,cool as if youre talking to your cousin Joe, or an old fat ugly friend you wouldnt go gaga iver them would you?

give him the same courtesy..please dont let him think you want him back,or talk about the relationship..i read this is in the No contact rules forum..

that helps alot

dont be cold, be friendly,keep it light,thats what i did and it works

it hasnt brougt the ex running back but at least it brought me my dignity and them calling more often;)

hope this helps,i just want to share this with you

as an older person too..i finally learned something

[Lizzyb6938]

hey Lizzie

here is what you can do, afte reading the archaic "Rules" and "Men who love Bitches" and literally not folowing anything they say:eek: i have learned the hard way,that people take things for granted if something comes to easily

obviously or maybe yoru relationship w/him has got him guessing

now time to turn the tables

even my grandmother has told me all this

you are doing the right thing by not being TOO available

i read this new book How Not to Get Dumped

and it has helped me out soo much,Avid reader am i..i do read literary novels:)

anyway, be calm,cool as if youre talking to your cousin Joe, or an old fat ugly friend you wouldnt go gaga iver them would you?

give him the same courtesy..please dont let him think you want him back,or talk about the relationship..i read this is in the No contact rules forum..

that helps alot

dont be cold, be friendly,keep it light,thats what i did and it works

it hasnt brougt the ex running back but at least it brought me my dignity and them calling more often;)

hope this helps,i just want to share this with you

as an older person too..i finally learned something

 

lol it's funny because i've just been reading the rules! and whilst reading them i kind of realised that I've always been a rules girl and let them pursue me. also based on what my mum and grandma said. they always told me 'you never chase boys Elizabeth' so I never really have. my ex called me every night for 2.5 years lol. i would call sometimes, but very occasionally.

 

neways he called again on wednesday night. i picked up this time. it was a really nice conversation. i was my normal happy go lucky, unaffected self. i tried to end to convo about three times but he kept saying 'i don't want to go to bed, lets keep chatting.' i felt very much in control, felt like he was doing most of the talking and i was contributing just some light, friendly banter. ended up saying i had to go, i was laughing about something and he kept asking 'what are you laughing about, tell me, tell me tell me, you can't leave me like this.' and i said, 'yes i can, night matt.' lol. he ended up messaging the next morning saying 'it was lovely speaking to you last night. i really miss it. hope you're having a nice day :-)' i didn't write back, just left it.

 

it's not like we're getting back together but i feel very much in control atm. also let it slip i went to dinner with a male friend. i told him i tried eel at sushi train and he asked who i went with and i told him justin my friend.

 

feeling good about the situation atm, nice to feel more back in control

[selena_cat]

so you seem to be doing ok! obviously you have it under control and you know it,i'm sure you need encouragement

funny,sometimes the rules can be very strict but its so better to hear it from older people like moms and grandmas

shoot i may need your help,feel scared to ask,i know its your post and all but u seem to have things under control.

but i'll giv it a try

Does the rules swing the same with say if an ex like emailing you ..

oh we talk on the phone,(not everyday)

havent heard from him an ages (bad breakup)

but seem to have positive vibes

how would you go about it?

does your ex ask you out for coffee ir something at least?

[Lizzyb6938]

so you seem to be doing ok! obviously you have it under control and you know it,i'm sure you need encouragement

funny,sometimes the rules can be very strict but its so better to hear it from older people like moms and grandmas

shoot i may need your help,feel scared to ask,i know its your post and all but u seem to have things under control.

but i'll giv it a try

Does the rules swing the same with say if an ex like emailing you ..

oh we talk on the phone,(not everyday)

havent heard from him an ages (bad breakup)

but seem to have positive vibes

how would you go about it?

does your ex ask you out for coffee ir something at least?

 

i think with the rules it's just about letting them contact you, keeping it polite, short and sweet but also not always being available. i think it's important also to be having fun and meeting lots of people to take the focus away from them in your life. they should be the one suggesting a catch up, we should NEVER ask them out.

 

I guess I would just do exactly that, make the most of when he contacts you, be your sweet but cool, calm and collected self, be vague and mysterious about your activities (particularly who with), don't answer all their calls and if you return them do so many days later as an after thought. that's what i'm going to do i guess. I think showing them that you're a wonderful, carefree woman who is living life to the full without him, and not always being there to be when he feels like checking in is the best way to go about it. but then many advocate no contact which i can see the benefits of it as well.

[selena_cat]

Hey Lizzie

 

Thanks,I apreciate your advice, so even with emails, i shouldnt reply right away,i need to be good at that.

Funnyon Tyra banks, tyra had all these gay men, give advice to straight up advice to women about men,and this one guy said w-out a doubt

dont be so available,thats the problem,dissapear sometimes

it would be cool to meet new people,working on it in this boring town i live in. but i do sometimes go out with friends,coworkers

do you hear from your ex on the weekends? of not thats the biggest indicator he has someone,..i know this one does,altho he's a player that i know.

curious,do you think its close to him (your ex)to ask u for a date or even coffee? he should wrack up the nerves if he just wants to call you then make sure you dont talk for not more than 15 minutes, sayeth the Rules!

[Lizzyb6938]

a player? oh dear, that does sound good. matt's not a player at all, far from it. he contacted me last weekend, and friday night this week.

 

in our last phone call he said 'so what are you up to this weekend,' and i said 'oh im going out i think friday, saturday and sunday night.' he said 'oh ok.' i think he might have been indicating going out but i can't be sure.

 

i should have followed the 15 minute rule last time we talked, i think we talked for 45 mins, whoops. but i kept saying to go, and he kept wanting to talk and i think i definately left him wanting more.

 

neways i've been having fun this weekend, trying to forget about it all :-)

[smookie]

So Lizzy, why did you guys break up?

[smookie]

Sitting here reading all of his, really in my eyes it seems like a game.

Why not be honest, why not answer your phone and say hey whats up, Give him a chance to ask you out and be poliet if your answer is going to be no.

If your interested still in him let him know that you are but your life is not going to stop because he wants you back. You can say this to eachother, why do people have to resort to games. if you want nothing to do with him the tell him to move on there is no chance, if you only want to be friends let him know, pulling on heart strings hurts, in the end you may end up the hurt one because if you are wanting him back in the end and if he moves on. Your game did nto work as you thought. Please just be honest with him.

[Weird]

I'm with smookie...

 

I am positive I (well, we since she feels the same way) am in the minority but people really shouldn't play games and pretend with others. Things would be much better if people were just direct and honest with one another.

 

Basically I see it like this:

 

Do you want to get back together with this guy? If you do then tell him this. If you do not then tell him this.

 

Do you still have romantic feelings for him but do not want a relationship? If you do then tell him this and tell him why you do not want to get back together right now and be honest. If you just want him to be a "friend" then tell him this.

 

There is no point to games as it just adds stress to lives and prolongs resolution. I don't even want to think of all the time humans waste on playing games rather than just putting it out there and saying to someone else "look, I like you and want to be with you. If you want that then lets do this thing" or "look, I do not like you that way anymore and there is no chance we will ever be together again so I won't waste your time and get your hopes up"

 

Really, honesty is the way everyone should deal with relationships. It'd save time, save hurt feelings and decrease stress.

 

This guy is clearly still into you so really, if you are into him then tell him rather than monitoring your phone call length and figuring out what you should or should not say. As a guy I can tell you that the games stuff is tiring and if you keep stringing a dude along while you may see other guys or other stuff making him wonder where you stand he WILL soon lose interest and you will lose him for good. Guys do not like to feel jealous so don't try and make him feel that way by seeing other guys if you still want to be with him. All that does is make him feel resentment that probably WILL come up if you get back together.

 

The real world is not like Sex and the City where women are Carrie and guys are Big who will still be there throughout the woman "finding herself" and being with other guys and then after years the fairy tale ending of coming back together will happen. If you want to be with a guy then tell him your feelings.

 

It'd be bad if you do want to be with this guy but these games or "steps" cause that to not happen and you are left feeling regret over it and you let the guy who would make you the happiest move on and you're left with someone who won't make you as happy as he was.

 

Oh and one more thing...guys like women who take initiative rather than play hard to get. The hard to get attitude comes back to bite women when they eventually give in and the guy wonders why the hell she was acting like that and wasting time.

[Lizzyb6938]

I'm with smookie...

 

I am positive I (well, we since she feels the same way) am in the minority but people really shouldn't play games and pretend with others. Things would be much better if people were just direct and honest with one another.

 

Basically I see it like this:

 

Do you want to get back together with this guy? If you do then tell him this. If you do not then tell him this.

 

Do you still have romantic feelings for him but do not want a relationship? If you do then tell him this and tell him why you do not want to get back together right now and be honest. If you just want him to be a "friend" then tell him this.

 

There is no point to games as it just adds stress to lives and prolongs resolution. I don't even want to think of all the time humans waste on playing games rather than just putting it out there and saying to someone else "look, I like you and want to be with you. If you want that then lets do this thing" or "look, I do not like you that way anymore and there is no chance we will ever be together again so I won't waste your time and get your hopes up"

 

Really, honesty is the way everyone should deal with relationships. It'd save time, save hurt feelings and decrease stress.

 

This guy is clearly still into you so really, if you are into him then tell him rather than monitoring your phone call length and figuring out what you should or should not say. As a guy I can tell you that the games stuff is tiring and if you keep stringing a dude along while you may see other guys or other stuff making him wonder where you stand he WILL soon lose interest and you will lose him for good. Guys do not like to feel jealous so don't try and make him feel that way by seeing other guys if you still want to be with him. All that does is make him feel resentment that probably WILL come up if you get back together.

 

The real world is not like Sex and the City where women are Carrie and guys are Big who will still be there throughout the woman "finding herself" and being with other guys and then after years the fairy tale ending of coming back together will happen. If you want to be with a guy then tell him your feelings.

 

It'd be bad if you do want to be with this guy but these games or "steps" cause that to not happen and you are left feeling regret over it and you let the guy who would make you the happiest move on and you're left with someone who won't make you as happy as he was.

 

Oh and one more thing...guys like women who take initiative rather than play hard to get. The hard to get attitude comes back to bite women when they eventually give in and the guy wonders why the hell she was acting like that and wasting time.

 

I do still love him but i feel that the dumper should be the one to discuss the relationship and possibility of a reconcilliation as they are the ones who wanted to be apart in the first place. i really don't think the dumpee should be putting themselves out there for round two of rejection and disapointment, just my opinion.

 

i agree games suck, i hate playing them, but honestly having years of watching my single girlfriends make the same mistakes over and over- calling guys regularly, being the persuers and making all the effort 'being honest' and wearing their heart on their sleeves all the time i've kind of figured out what not to do. i think once your in a relationship, the rules don't really matter so much, but in the beginning, or in the early stages of a reconcilliation, i think it's important for the guys (especially if they're the dumpers) to be the pursuer. i know it's old fashioned and whatever. but honestly, and i've asked alot of my guy friends this, including one last night who was there with his girlfriend and he confirmed that guys like to do the chasing and feel really rewarded when they put effort in and suceed.

 

and i don't think the rules are about pretending that you're really busy and happy, it's about actually being really busy and happy in your life. not making the guy you're seeing everything, so maybe the emphasis should be away from game playing and just trying to be the best you you can be- confident, happy, busy so it stops being games and pretending and actually starts to be true.

[selena_cat]

I agree with Lizzie here (and btw Lizzie, i didnt say your guy was a player,just mine)

being the nice girl,honest and very available,really doesnt get you anywhere not to say you have to be a B-but i too made the mistakes that Lizzie's friends have made,and does have the lesson

nice girsl does finish last.

nto to say i'm going to act alike a nasty B-wasnt raise that way but i'm not going to be that 'nice girl'whose constantly being ovelook while guys, go after women who doesnt give a crap about them

its valueng yourself more

Also there is a reason that the dumoeor ay have had mixed feelings so why should she or anyone else make the same mistake twice and wear her heart in her sleeve,in a way its not productive

[merrilyE]

I'm with smookie...

 

I am positive I (well, we since she feels the same way) am in the minority but people really shouldn't play games and pretend with others. Things would be much better if people were just direct and honest with one another.

 

Basically I see it like this:

 

Do you want to get back together with this guy? If you do then tell him this. If you do not then tell him this.

 

Do you still have romantic feelings for him but do not want a relationship? If you do then tell him this and tell him why you do not want to get back together right now and be honest. If you just want him to be a "friend" then tell him this.

 

There is no point to games as it just adds stress to lives and prolongs resolution. I don't even want to think of all the time humans waste on playing games rather than just putting it out there and saying to someone else "look, I like you and want to be with you. If you want that then lets do this thing" or "look, I do not like you that way anymore and there is no chance we will ever be together again so I won't waste your time and get your hopes up"

 

Really, honesty is the way everyone should deal with relationships. It'd save time, save hurt feelings and decrease stress.

 

This guy is clearly still into you so really, if you are into him then tell him rather than monitoring your phone call length and figuring out what you should or should not say. As a guy I can tell you that the games stuff is tiring and if you keep stringing a dude along while you may see other guys or other stuff making him wonder where you stand he WILL soon lose interest and you will lose him for good. Guys do not like to feel jealous so don't try and make him feel that way by seeing other guys if you still want to be with him. All that does is make him feel resentment that probably WILL come up if you get back together.

 

The real world is not like Sex and the City where women are Carrie and guys are Big who will still be there throughout the woman "finding herself" and being with other guys and then after years the fairy tale ending of coming back together will happen. If you want to be with a guy then tell him your feelings.

 

It'd be bad if you do want to be with this guy but these games or "steps" cause that to not happen and you are left feeling regret over it and you let the guy who would make you the happiest move on and you're left with someone who won't make you as happy as he was.

 

Oh and one more thing...guys like women who take initiative rather than play hard to get. The hard to get attitude comes back to bite women when they eventually give in and the guy wonders why the hell she was acting like that and wasting time.

 

WEIRD,

 

Quick question for you since I can't email you. If the guy dumps the girl and hasn't had any contact for a month, do you suggest the girl wait for the guy to contact her. Would it be unwise for the girl to contact the guy? I'm all about honesty too and really want to contact him. I have had all of my friends and family tell me to let him contact me. I'm not sure. PS You can read my post from December.

 

Sorry Lizzy to ask a question in your post. But I wanted a guy's opinion.

[Lizzyb6938]

haha glad to have some support selenacat

 

that's ok merrilyE, my two cents worth even though i'm not a guy.. don't do it! he broke up with you, he should be the one to contact.

[smookie]

I believe that you mis understood me what I was saying that follow your heart, do not wear your heart on your sleeve and give up everything. Do not give up your life and wait around the phone for him to call just to not recieve the call. I am saying if you want to talk to him, talk all night forget these rules

if you want to hear his part ask him why he hurt you and how he thinks he can just walk back in and expect you to forget what he did. I would ask him the questions. Ya all guys like the chase but only for so long then they say screw it. Youe wording in your posts here are sounding like a game.

[selena_cat]

Hey Lizzie how are things going? Have you and your ex met up instead of just phone chats?

i wonder if you pm or can pm me befoer i do something stupid again

your post and advice has helped me because i feel as though i'm almost in the same situation.

Thanks

[irishsimon]

A little bit of chase is ok at the beginning or during reconciliation. It has to be there to allow for attraction and value to develop again, but after 2-3 weeks if it's still happening..dumper or dumpee..I walk. If someone can keep up a game for a significant amount of time it just says to me that this person thrives of playing with my emotions, its messing me about and wont hesitate to use it against me at a later date. It's a massive red flag for me.

 

It depends on the person..so if your guy is responding to your games then maybe he gets off on the chase and that might be all that has brought him back. Tread carefully.

 

Save yourself the trouble now and just start giving a bit tiny bit more. There's nothing like getting back with someone AND having your own life. That will keep him interested and its not a game.

[Lizzyb6938]

Hey Lizzie how are things going? Have you and your ex met up instead of just phone chats?

i wonder if you pm or can pm me befoer i do something stupid again

your post and advice has helped me because i feel as though i'm almost in the same situation.

Thanks

 

hey selena

we're meeting up saturday arvo. man i'm so nervous, haven't seen him in like two months so i'm terrified and excited. there are so many things i want to say, but i'm going to let him sort of take the lead. think when i see him i'm just going to be my normal happy go lucky self, which is what i've tried to be the two times he called and not put any pressure on discussing the relationship and let him bring it up. i think when i see him my heart is going to stop lol.

 

sure i'll pm you.

 

Irishsimon, my friends totally agree with you. they've told me 'ok lizzy you've proved to him you can live without him, you've proved that you don't need him. he's been the one making all the effort and at some point you have to budge if its ever going to go any further.' so i did give a bit more this week by smsing him for a change, and now we're meeting up. so i think my conclusion is- yes once dumped you need to regain control by being far less available and not just pretend your moving on with your life but actually do it, and if after a certain amount of time they're still persistent, cut them a little slack

 

Will update on how Saturday goes- so nervous! we've been flirting a little through texts this week like we used to. not getting my hopes up but it will be nice to figure all this out once a for all.

 

Lizzy

[Geishawhelk]

What's "arvo"....?

[Squirtal]

Hi GeishaWhelk

 

Arvo is Afternoon..think its an Austrailian term...remember Neighbours?

[Lizzyb6938]

sorry yeah arvo is afternoon, didn't realise it was an aussie term lol

[Geishawhelk]

Hmph!! These colonials....!!

 

Thank you!

 

(Note to self: add to 'Dictionary of Verbal Foibles')