dumper's vs dumpee's sadness

[Crazy.S]

I know there is another thread similar to this but I didn't want to hijack it. I know it may sound like a really obvious answer, but I've only been a dumpee. And I know a dumper goes through some pain too.

 

So can you tell me the possible emotions of each side and which you think hurts most?

[Geishawhelk]

No.

Personally, I think all we can give is theories, because everyone is different, and no two dumper/dumpees feel the same.

 

But if a dumper gives no logical reason, then the dumpee usually feels out on a limb and needs closure.

 

And given that NC - for both sides - is not only advisable, it's essential - this is usually much harder on the dumpee.

(we call them "The Dumped" in the UK.....)

[Crazy.S]

Thanks for the reply! Sorry if I was confusing, but I want those different responses. I want to know what type of emotions they are even if they from a unique situation. I just want an idea of the range of emotions going through the dumpers and dumpees. I can only speak for myself as a dumpee. So if anyone doesn't mind sharing, please do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

By the time you've been dumped, the dumper has already run the gamut of emotions and has already mourned the loss of the relationship and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, they hide that from you - so from the dumpee's POV, it appears that the person who last week was saying "I love you" went from that to indifference in a mind boggling period of time.

 

I see it on here quite often - people who find themselves dumped seemingly out of the blue by someone, and the person dumping them seemed to have become a cold stranger overnight.

 

Trust me, it is never overnight. When you get dumped, you are seeing the end of a lengthy process that was hidden from you until they felt they were ready to let go of you. Unfortunately for you it is the beginning. They have moved on, and you want answers. They finished their healing process (or nearly completely so) before you even knew you would need one.

 

So, does that lengthy process a dumper goes through hurt? You damned right it does. It starts with a dying spark one day. A tiny one. Not even noticeable, but as the days, months, years go by more and more of the fire goes out - slowly. The guilt that you feel when you find yourself falling out of love is crushing. You know you should love this person, but you find yourself not loving them a little more each day. You feel sad that the love you felt is going, and you can't get it back. You are saying goodbye to the relationship and there is this profound sadness that no matter what you do, and no matter what your partner does - you just can't get it back.

 

As the sadness is replaced with acceptance, the letting go process starts: the dumper gets irritated with you over things too often. There are sullen silences. The sex goes from joyous to either rote or obligatory, and then slows down to nothing eventually. The dumper begins to feel trapped and ready to leave, but guilty at the same time. This causes helpless anger to boil up inside them - often taken out on the dumpee in the form of nagging, nitpicking or just plain hostility. Sometimes that part is hidden completely though, and the dumper will continue to say "I love you" even when he/she doesn't feel it because it is expected, and they know it is what the dumpee wants to hear.

 

Then, its time to let go. This is where you start hearing "I need space/time". By this time, its over. Usually the dumper has either found someone else, or is interested in something new in general and is looking for a humane way to let go. If they still have unresolved feelings or the new thing doesn't work out, they will come back for a second chance. Usually though, it is just a long goodbye.

 

Dumpers do feel bad about what is going on. Unfortunately by the time that final goodbye is on the table, that feeling bad has passed to a near impatient indifference.

 

That is why they can say they want to be friends/keep in contact/etc - they are emotionally ready for that, and on some level it helps them assuage some of that guilt.

[Crazy.S]

I never really thought about the time before the break-up. I was always busy thinking about what happened after it and how she didn't try to fix it with me. And how she was able to move on to another relationship. Even though I heard it many times that it was over a year before. I guess it never really hit me, till you shared your insight. All those explanation seems to make sense now.

 

Thank you LucreziaBorgia for your helpful response. I appreciate the time you took to write. You really cleared it up for me.

[Peter_pan]

By the time you've been dumped, the dumper has already run the gamut of emotions and has already mourned the loss of the relationship and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, they hide that from you - so from the dumpee's POV, it appears that the person who last week was saying "I love you" went from that to indifference in a mind boggling period of time.

 

I see it on here quite often - people who find themselves dumped seemingly out of the blue by someone, and the person dumping them seemed to have become a cold stranger overnight.

 

Trust me, it is never overnight. When you get dumped, you are seeing the end of a lengthy process that was hidden from you until they felt they were ready to let go of you. Unfortunately for you it is the beginning. They have moved on, and you want answers. They finished their healing process (or nearly completely so) before you even knew you would need one.

 

So, does that lengthy process a dumper goes through hurt? You damned right it does. It starts with a dying spark one day. A tiny one. Not even noticeable, but as the days, months, years go by more and more of the fire goes out - slowly. The guilt that you feel when you find yourself falling out of love is crushing. You know you should love this person, but you find yourself not loving them a little more each day. You feel sad that the love you felt is going, and you can't get it back. You are saying goodbye to the relationship and there is this profound sadness that no matter what you do, and no matter what your partner does - you just can't get it back.

 

As the sadness is replaced with acceptance, the letting go process starts: the dumper gets irritated with you over things too often. There are sullen silences. The sex goes from joyous to either rote or obligatory, and then slows down to nothing eventually. The dumper begins to feel trapped and ready to leave, but guilty at the same time. This causes helpless anger to boil up inside them - often taken out on the dumpee in the form of nagging, nitpicking or just plain hostility. Sometimes that part is hidden completely though, and the dumper will continue to say "I love you" even when he/she doesn't feel it because it is expected, and they know it is what the dumpee wants to hear.

 

Then, its time to let go. This is where you start hearing "I need space/time". By this time, its over. Usually the dumper has either found someone else, or is interested in something new in general and is looking for a humane way to let go. If they still have unresolved feelings or the new thing doesn't work out, they will come back for a second chance. Usually though, it is just a long goodbye.

 

Dumpers do feel bad about what is going on. Unfortunately by the time that final goodbye is on the table, that feeling bad has passed to a near impatient indifference.

 

That is why they can say they want to be friends/keep in contact/etc - they are emotionally ready for that, and on some level it helps them assuage some of that guilt.

 

 

spot on. it gets you thinking dosnt it. sad how its so true and we didn't realise what was going on

[toddro]

By the time you've been dumped, the dumper has already run the gamut of emotions and has already mourned the loss of the relationship and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, they hide that from you - so from the dumpee's POV, it appears that the person who last week was saying "I love you" went from that to indifference in a mind boggling period of time.

 

I see it on here quite often - people who find themselves dumped seemingly out of the blue by someone, and the person dumping them seemed to have become a cold stranger overnight.

 

Trust me, it is never overnight. When you get dumped, you are seeing the end of a lengthy process that was hidden from you until they felt they were ready to let go of you. Unfortunately for you it is the beginning. They have moved on, and you want answers. They finished their healing process (or nearly completely so) before you even knew you would need one.

 

So, does that lengthy process a dumper goes through hurt? You damned right it does. It starts with a dying spark one day. A tiny one. Not even noticeable, but as the days, months, years go by more and more of the fire goes out - slowly. The guilt that you feel when you find yourself falling out of love is crushing. You know you should love this person, but you find yourself not loving them a little more each day. You feel sad that the love you felt is going, and you can't get it back. You are saying goodbye to the relationship and there is this profound sadness that no matter what you do, and no matter what your partner does - you just can't get it back.

 

As the sadness is replaced with acceptance, the letting go process starts: the dumper gets irritated with you over things too often. There are sullen silences. The sex goes from joyous to either rote or obligatory, and then slows down to nothing eventually. The dumper begins to feel trapped and ready to leave, but guilty at the same time. This causes helpless anger to boil up inside them - often taken out on the dumpee in the form of nagging, nitpicking or just plain hostility. Sometimes that part is hidden completely though, and the dumper will continue to say "I love you" even when he/she doesn't feel it because it is expected, and they know it is what the dumpee wants to hear.

 

Then, its time to let go. This is where you start hearing "I need space/time". By this time, its over. Usually the dumper has either found someone else, or is interested in something new in general and is looking for a humane way to let go. If they still have unresolved feelings or the new thing doesn't work out, they will come back for a second chance. Usually though, it is just a long goodbye.

 

Dumpers do feel bad about what is going on. Unfortunately by the time that final goodbye is on the table, that feeling bad has passed to a near impatient indifference.

 

That is why they can say they want to be friends/keep in contact/etc - they are emotionally ready for that, and on some level it helps them assuage some of that guilt.

 

 

That is probably the best post I have read on this board, and it is true...only thing I could add ( well in my case) is that the dumper has filled the void with something else and its all rainbows and butterflys, its living on fantasy island..in other words you both feel pain...but the dumper has a bottle of pain pills in the form of a new relationship. The dumpee has nothing and is left scrambling to try and pick up the pieces.

 

That more than anything else is what irratates me about the way my maarige is ending, I know my ex-wife...she is not a slut or a whore. She does not bed hop..so the night she first cheated on me I knew about it..she told me over the phone she was going to do it...it was right after we had a big argument. I felt as if she set me up, hell I know she did. I've told her this, that she doesn't go from purely friendship to sex in 1 hour...I told her she was having an affair...Oh no she says, I only slept with him "AFTER" we broke up....yeah whatever.. Just because you didn't actually have sex with the guy before does not mean you were not having an affair.

[awesomeallalone]

LucreziaBorgia

 

 

im going to frame your post and put it up on my wall.....

[tiredofhurting]

OMG!!! What you said there is so true. Thing is it makes me feel so angry. why do the dumpers tan not try to resolve things with the dumpee, or be freaken honest about what is going on? Really, I know it is a bad thing to say, but Kharma should so get the dumper. For them it is fine, because it doesn't hurt anymore, and they leave the poor dumpee completely shell-shocked. It is incredibly irresponsible and rude. I have been a dumper once, and I was straight up and honest about what is going on. we tried to work it out but it didn;t and we left it, neither of us feeling shocked because we both knew what was going on. No offence or anything, but I believe men are reallymore complicated than women when it comes to relationships, and it is the men that make things more complicated for themselves

[UCLAMike]

If a dumper secretly plans to get rid of the dumpee and does not bring it to the surface for a discussion, then it is good for the dumpee. Dumper is actually doing dumpee a favor. Who wants somebody like that? Dumpee deserves better. That isn't love. That is selfishness.

 

If there is real love, and the dumper feels that there is something wrong going on, the dumper will bring it out to surface and have a mature dialogue. Dumpee will be given the chance to understand and respond. If it still doesn't work, fine. But calling it quits all on their own is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

More often than not, the dumper is misunderstood about the dumpee, and the dumper may regret it later in the end when it's too late. I.E) They may have misinterpreted current security and faithfulness with boredom. Yet the dumper goes out in the world and dates more, but understands that other people are just as boring and relationship all plateau at some point. Then they regret. They realize all the time and energy spent with their ex went to nothing. Now they have to rebuild everything from scratch in a new environment with someone new. There is no guarantee it will work next time.

[tinke]

Well said, uclamike!!!

[Lizzie60]

I know there is another thread similar to this but I didn't want to hijack it. I know it may sound like a really obvious answer, but I've only been a dumpee. And I know a dumper goes through some pain too.

 

So can you tell me the possible emotions of each side and which you think hurts most?

 

 

I've always been the 'dumper' except when I was in my early 20s (the father of my daughter).. anyway..

 

The first time, I left my 18 yr common-law spouse.. I didn't feel anything for him anymore.. but it was hard.. cause he went on a very severe depression.. and it was mostly hard to see my son in the middle of all this... to see me leaving and his dad .. dying...

 

The second time, I left my 5 yr common-law spouse.. this time it was hard.. cause we were still very much in love..

 

All the other times.. it wasn't hard at all.. since I wasn't as emotionally committed.

 

It always depend on the situation, each person lives it differently.

[9Lives]

By the time you've been dumped, the dumper has already run the gamut of emotions and has already mourned the loss of the relationship and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, they hide that from you - so from the dumpee's POV, it appears that the person who last week was saying "I love you" went from that to indifference in a mind boggling period of time.

 

I see it on here quite often - people who find themselves dumped seemingly out of the blue by someone, and the person dumping them seemed to have become a cold stranger overnight.

 

Trust me, it is never overnight. When you get dumped, you are seeing the end of a lengthy process that was hidden from you until they felt they were ready to let go of you. Unfortunately for you it is the beginning. They have moved on, and you want answers. They finished their healing process (or nearly completely so) before you even knew you would need one.

 

So, does that lengthy process a dumper goes through hurt? You damned right it does. It starts with a dying spark one day. A tiny one. Not even noticeable, but as the days, months, years go by more and more of the fire goes out - slowly. The guilt that you feel when you find yourself falling out of love is crushing. You know you should love this person, but you find yourself not loving them a little more each day. You feel sad that the love you felt is going, and you can't get it back. You are saying goodbye to the relationship and there is this profound sadness that no matter what you do, and no matter what your partner does - you just can't get it back.

 

As the sadness is replaced with acceptance, the letting go process starts: the dumper gets irritated with you over things too often. There are sullen silences. The sex goes from joyous to either rote or obligatory, and then slows down to nothing eventually. The dumper begins to feel trapped and ready to leave, but guilty at the same time. This causes helpless anger to boil up inside them - often taken out on the dumpee in the form of nagging, nitpicking or just plain hostility. Sometimes that part is hidden completely though, and the dumper will continue to say "I love you" even when he/she doesn't feel it because it is expected, and they know it is what the dumpee wants to hear.

 

Then, its time to let go. This is where you start hearing "I need space/time". By this time, its over. Usually the dumper has either found someone else, or is interested in something new in general and is looking for a humane way to let go. If they still have unresolved feelings or the new thing doesn't work out, they will come back for a second chance. Usually though, it is just a long goodbye.

 

Dumpers do feel bad about what is going on. Unfortunately by the time that final goodbye is on the table, that feeling bad has passed to a near impatient indifference.

 

That is why they can say they want to be friends/keep in contact/etc - they are emotionally ready for that, and on some level it helps them assuage some of that guilt.

 

I know this post is kinda old but it is new to me. It was very informative. YOu should frame it. Anyway, if the dumper has someone else ...it is easier for them to move on as well. what do you think?

 

My thoughts are too that sometimes the other person take the dumpee for granted and then realizes that they made a mistake too.

 

I have been on both sides and I can tell you that it depends for me.

 

My ex husband...I was mentally gone before I left. he grossed me out period

 

My next boyfriend....I could not get over him for a while. we tried to get it going again but he became disrespectful and I became annoyed so we are over again. I dont feel as bad as I did the first time. I dont think I want to put up with his ways...his secretive ways....his busy ways....all this other stuff that I cant stand anymore. He does not want to hear my mouth so...we are done. I think he will realize he made a mistake cause it wasnt me this time. But who knows

[sad_panda]

I've been dumped but I realize that I've 'dumped' him during the relationship too, and I was just afraid to be alone that was why I couldn't let go. Right now, aside from my hurt and bruised ego, I'm perfectly fine and relieved. It took me a couple of months to get to this stage, and it would've been faster if I finally accepted the truth about my feelings from the very start.

 

When he left one of the reasons he cited was that he didn't feel that I loved him enough...and apparently it was true. I really wish I was strong enough to dump him, but oh well at least I'm already free from an unhappy relationship.

[BCCA]

I think most people are looking for instant gratification out of a relationship. They just want it to bring neverending happiness, without any effort to keep things afloat. Inevidebly, a rough patch is bound to come sooner or later, and when it does, youre faced with two choices: try and make it work, with no guarantee that it will, or walk away and try with someone else, again - with no guarantee that it will work any better. Most people will look for greener pastures just because its easier.

 

The reason that most dumper's dont inform their partners of the problems is because they dont want to A) get dumped themselves, or B) give the other person the impression that a split is coming before they're ready. So, they'll either shut down or become hostile, hoping that you'll just 'get the clue'. By the time you hear the dreaded words 'we need to talk', its over. Chances are, the person was either emotionally cheating, has their eye on someone else, or has been getting over the relationship for 6 months and is much better off in their healing.

 

The 'friends' bit is simple. They dont want to feel guilty or be lonely. If they met someone else, being your friend will be the absolute last thing on their mind.

 

I'm sure dumper's hurt, too, but I have to think 90% of it is just guilt.

[techfan]

I think most people are looking for instant gratification out of a relationship. They just want it to bring neverending happiness, without any effort to keep things afloat. Inevidebly, a rough patch is bound to come sooner or later, and when it does, youre faced with two choices: try and make it work, with no guarantee that it will, or walk away and try with someone else, again - with no guarantee that it will work any better. Most people will look for greener pastures just because its easier.

 

The reason that most dumper's dont inform their partners of the problems is because they dont want to A) get dumped themselves, or B) give the other person the impression that a split is coming before they're ready. So, they'll either shut down or become hostile, hoping that you'll just 'get the clue'. By the time you hear the dreaded words 'we need to talk', its over. Chances are, the person was either emotionally cheating, has their eye on someone else, or has been getting over the relationship for 6 months and is much better off in their healing.

 

The 'friends' bit is simple. They dont want to feel guilty or be lonely. If they met someone else, being your friend will be the absolute last thing on their mind.

 

I'm sure dumper's hurt, too, but I have to think 90% of it is just guilt.

 

I agree with you on this one. Just like some above posters have stated, the dumper typically goes through the cycle of breakup long before they even breakup with you. This is cowardly in a sense vs. the way it should be done in a very open relationship. If there is a problem, it should be brought up. Real love is sometimes doing the uncomfortable, making the other partner stop and listen to whats going on. Making it know that there is a problem. Sure, its hard to do sometimes. But sadly i feel like in today's world it seems if there's an issue people would rather bail out than try and actually work on it or even bring it up, until its too late.

 

This is exactly what happened to me. Now my ex has probably a 6-8 month jump on me in terms of healing if not more. Its just painful to see someone rather end a relationship than make the effort to point out whats bothering them and try to make things work. Sure, once that is done and if no progress is made then they can leave but at least both parties acknowledged there was an issue and made attempts to correct it.

 

Life isn't perfect, neither are relationships. Just sucks to see good ones end because one side wasn't open enough to bring up the issue sometimes or adult enough as well. I suppose if that happens though maybe they weren't good to begin with.

[Island Girl]

Just like some above posters have stated, the dumper typically goes through the cycle of breakup long before they even breakup with you.

 

And I disagree with the above.

 

More times than not there is no "cycle of breakup". There is no "mourning period" for the dumper.

 

I've been there plenty of times.

 

And the "cycle" before the break up was getting more and more turned off by the BF. Little habits and other things would just get to the point that I was sickened literally.

And I would avoid breaking it off - not to hurt their feelings - while those feeling grew and any caring died.

That was the only thing I was ever sorry for is that I didn't just cut them loose sooner.

[gutted1]

By the time you've been dumped, the dumper has already run the gamut of emotions and has already mourned the loss of the relationship and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, they hide that from you - so from the dumpee's POV, it appears that the person who last week was saying "I love you" went from that to indifference in a mind boggling period of time.

 

I see it on here quite often - people who find themselves dumped seemingly out of the blue by someone, and the person dumping them seemed to have become a cold stranger overnight.

 

Trust me, it is never overnight. When you get dumped, you are seeing the end of a lengthy process that was hidden from you until they felt they were ready to let go of you. Unfortunately for you it is the beginning. They have moved on, and you want answers. They finished their healing process (or nearly completely so) before you even knew you would need one.

 

So, does that lengthy process a dumper goes through hurt? You damned right it does. It starts with a dying spark one day. A tiny one. Not even noticeable, but as the days, months, years go by more and more of the fire goes out - slowly. The guilt that you feel when you find yourself falling out of love is crushing. You know you should love this person, but you find yourself not loving them a little more each day. You feel sad that the love you felt is going, and you can't get it back. You are saying goodbye to the relationship and there is this profound sadness that no matter what you do, and no matter what your partner does - you just can't get it back.

 

As the sadness is replaced with acceptance, the letting go process starts: the dumper gets irritated with you over things too often. There are sullen silences. The sex goes from joyous to either rote or obligatory, and then slows down to nothing eventually. The dumper begins to feel trapped and ready to leave, but guilty at the same time. This causes helpless anger to boil up inside them - often taken out on the dumpee in the form of nagging, nitpicking or just plain hostility. Sometimes that part is hidden completely though, and the dumper will continue to say "I love you" even when he/she doesn't feel it because it is expected, and they know it is what the dumpee wants to hear.

 

Then, its time to let go. This is where you start hearing "I need space/time". By this time, its over. Usually the dumper has either found someone else, or is interested in something new in general and is looking for a humane way to let go. If they still have unresolved feelings or the new thing doesn't work out, they will come back for a second chance. Usually though, it is just a long goodbye.

 

Dumpers do feel bad about what is going on. Unfortunately by the time that final goodbye is on the table, that feeling bad has passed to a near impatient indifference.

 

That is why they can say they want to be friends/keep in contact/etc - they are emotionally ready for that, and on some level it helps them assuage some of that guilt.

 

 

This is absolutely spot on.

 

It fits my situation to a t. looking back on the situation i can see when she started to change and i can see when she had obviously got involved with someone else and started cheating on me, her behaviour was absolutly irratic and her crazy outbursts actually confused me. after i got dumped everything clicked into place and i realised what a total mug i'd been played for.

 

I have learnt a lot from my break up and i'll never be played like this again, i've learnt to keep my eyes open and when i see the first warning sign i shall use my head and end the relationship first, i never want to feel the pain i felt ever again.

 

Its strangly comforting to know that what happened to me is the norm

 

I'm also certain that my ex really couldn't care less about my feelings in the slightest and i doubt she gave me a second thought after she dumped me, she moved straight onto the next guy.

 

Once you get dumped i think that the quicker you let yourself accept that you ex doesn't care about you the better, look after yourself.