Why do I have a gut feeling she's cheating?

[mr.dream merchant]

Emotionally or physically I feel like my GF of 8 months is cheating on me. Recently she's been very...withdrawn I guess. She isn't as excited to be with me anymore and 7 times out of ten when I'm around she looks pissed and her body language shows it, ie. sitting on the couch next to me with her back facing towards me. She's never been like this before. I don't know what to make of it. When I ask her if everything is alright she says she's fine but when we cuddle and I can see her looking off in the distance with a kind of contemplative / worried look in her eyes. The sex has been lacking and arguments are more frequent. Sometimes I'll make a sexual pass at her and I get shot down and it just leaves me wondering what's going on because I used to get play whenever I went for it. All in all I get this strong gut feeling that I'm more of an annoyance to her than the excitement I used to bring her.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Merchant, I think you already know the answer. What women will not open up to discuss issues of feelings. Isn't that what women want most? I think you are smart enough to go with your gut.

[AlektraClementine]

I don't know if that's true. I HATE initiating "talks" in relationships. I bottle everything thing up. And if I am troubled, I withdraw from my boyfriend in a sense not unlike you are describing your girl.

 

I tend to get like this when I am sick of the boyfriend being selfish/inattentive/dense. I sometimes just feel so over trying to be the mindful one in the relationship while my boyfriend gets to play "Mr. Clueless". So I just check out. And yes, during those times, he is an annoyance to me.

 

But the important part of my story as far as you're concerned, is that I'm not cheating or even thinking of it.

 

I will warn you though, that if you aren't conducting yourself in a manner consistent with what she sees for her life, you could be losing her. My boyfriend is slowly losing me too.

[AlektraClementine]

p.s. I don't want to have sex with him during these times either.

[mr.dream merchant]

Well I forgot about this cause I guess I just got over it but a couple weeks back we were cuddling after dinner. I noticed her T-Mobile G1 (the google phone) that I bought for her. I've never really had the chance to tinker with it so I reach for it and try to get on youtube. She snatches the phone right out of my hand and gets up away from me to ask what I was doing. I mean, the only way I could see that kind of behavior being necessary is if she wanted to hide something from me. I told her I just wanted to get on youtube and she opted immediately to do it for me and I told her I wanted to do it myself. After that she just came out and said that she isn't talking to any guys and that the only guy number in her phone is mine and her cousin. I thought it weird that she would just put forth this information when I wasn't even looking for that.

 

The lack of trust is eating away at me on the inside. I want to confront her but I know that if she actually is cheating it will just make her put her guard up and perhaps I'll never know. I don't want that. I want to catch her off-guard and do a little bit of snooping because my gut feeling won't go away and it grows stronger each time I see her. What do you suggest I do?

[Trimmer]

I don't know if that's true. I HATE initiating "talks" in relationships. I bottle everything thing up. And if I am troubled, I withdraw from my boyfriend in a sense not unlike you are describing your girl.

 

I tend to get like this when I am sick of the boyfriend being selfish/inattentive/dense. I sometimes just feel so over trying to be the mindful one in the relationship while my boyfriend gets to play "Mr. Clueless". So I just check out. And yes, during those times, he is an annoyance to me.

...and when he asks you to talk about it (which is, technically, him "initiating" the talk,) do you tell him that everything is fine, instead of taking the opportunity to communicate honestly about it?

[AlektraClementine]

...and when he asks you to talk about it (which is, technically, him "initiating" the talk,) do you tell him that everything is fine, instead of taking the opportunity to communicate honestly about it?

 

Not necessarily. We have had talks that he's initiated and even a few that I've initiated. Maybe the difference in the OP's story and mine is that I might do a better job of hiding it. And my SO does a really good job of pretending everything's happy crappy;)

[lilmrcheerful]

Sounds a little ominous although it may not be the case so you will have to find out for sure.

 

In my situation, a lot of things you described was because my ex had feelings for someone else, but as I said you need to be absolutely sure, has she not given away any other evidence, maybe texting all the time and stuff like that?

[mr.dream merchant]

Nothing besides small changes. We used to text all the time and now sometimes she'll just stop texting for up to an hour, with no heads up before she does disappear. She used to inform me all the time before she'd disappear. But now she doesn't even do that anymore. I'd text her to ask what's up but I'd rather not be a nag you know? She just hasn't been herself lately. I really don't know who to turn to. Part of me wants to talk to her sister but the last thing I need is her sister thinking I'm paranoid and untrusting. Its just her sister is the only one I could think of that could perhaps get information for me. When I'm with my GF at her house she never leaves my side so accessing her phone when she's away is almost impossible. Also I think she's smarter than the average cheater and probably erases all entries of whoever she may be cheating with, text messages included.

[mr.dream merchant]

One thing I have noticed ever since we started dating is that when she's with me she constantly checks her phone. She doesn't call or txt anybody but she's always checking the phone. Maybe every 30 minutes. Also nowadays she just leaves her phone out of sight, like in her purse or in another room if we're at her house as opposed to always having it on her.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

time to 180. Why would she just blurt out "I don't have any other guys phone #s but yours." It dosen't sound like you were angry or suspicious. As I said before. I think you know. Hey what if it isn't a guy?

I mean then she could honestly say she didn't have any guys #s but yours. Right?

[Star Gazer]

Well, taking the OP in a vacuum, I'd say she's only withdrawing emotionally, which could be for a number of reasons. Reading the OP alone, there's no evidence that she's up to anything unsavory.

 

But now that I've read this:

 

One thing I have noticed ever since we started dating is that when she's with me she constantly checks her phone. She doesn't call or txt anybody but she's always checking the phone. Maybe every 30 minutes. Also nowadays she just leaves her phone out of sight, like in her purse or in another room if we're at her house as opposed to always having it on her.

 

She's DEFINITELY hiding something, or someone.

[mr.dream merchant]

Like right now, she's just up and disappeared. Her last text was an hour ago. I just called her obviously to check up on her but I was gonna bs. She didn't pick up. Now I'm certain she's up to something. I need to know how to catch her because this point between knowing but not having any evidence is killing me. I'm gonna be at her house tomorrow morning. She has my schedule on lock so there's no way I could throw her for a loop. What should I try while I'm at her crib?

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Dream, the phone you bought for her, is your name on the bill? If it is, maybe you can access the bill. Get the numbers shes dialing/receiving.

[mr.dream merchant]

She called me a little after asking whats up. I asked non-chalantly how come she disappeared. "Oh I was downstairs applying for a job" "Oh really? What kind of job?" She replied "For an insurance company" I asked her which company and she said but I can't recall the name. I then asked her what position she applied for and she said "customer service" is there even a customer service for an insurance company? Anyways I asked her how come she didn't take her phone with her and text me and she goes "Oh...the phone battery was dying" I just got her this phone on X-Mas. I've had my phone for longer and not even my battery dies in a time frame shorter than a whole day. That's unless I'm texting/calling/ and using it alot. All of which if she is, 80% of it is with me, and that's an 80% I'm not seeing. So what's going on? Who is she texting, calling, or anything else where her battery dies within a timeframe short of half a day? She has a brand new phone and the battery should not be dying that fast.

[mr.dream merchant]

I feel dumb. I just did some research and apparently the T-Mobile G1 phone is notorious for crappy battery life. Am I just being paranoid? I mean she has shown me her phone list and all her calls and text messages before.

[AlektraClementine]

Yes. I think you are being paranoid. OF COURSE there are customer service positions at insurance agencies. And let me tell you, with as many spam insurance companies there are when applying for jobs, it's not unreasonable that she wouldn't remember. Are you serious about the texting thing? I want to make sure I read it right. You got irritated with her for not taking her phone with her while being gone long enough to apply for a job and you couldn't text her? Sounds to me like you might be a little on the controlling side. I think at this point, you need some time away from your girl. You said it yourself, you have ABSOLUTELY NO evidence that she has cheated. NONE.

 

Now, either man up and tell her that you are feeling crazy obsessive right now and need her to help calm you down... or take some time away from her if you can't get past this.

[LouiseC]

Ever thought she might be having some problems either to do with your relationship, or not - and what she doesn't want you to see on the phone is support/bitching texts to/from a female friend she has? There are many things that could make her withdraw from you, not neccessarily another man.

 

I agree with the above also, you're being very possessive. So she's busy for an hour or so and can't reply to your text - it's not the end of the world. She's not texting you to let you know every little movement - big deal, just means the honeymoon period is over. I also think the whole catching her out and snooping is ridiculous. Talk to her as an adult, tell her you feel there's something wrong, and you'd like for her to be able to talk to you.

[Bryanp]

She claims she was applying for a job at a specific insurance company but she cannot remember the name of the company?.....Oh please. What is wrong with this picture?

[AlektraClementine]

Bryan,

 

I have been applying for jobs endlessly since September. The market sucks right now and job applications are being sent out by the 100s by some people every week. All I am saying is that from my own experience, I can tell you that I've sent out countless resumes this week and it'd be only by luck if I remembered the specific names of all the companies.

 

What's wrong with this picture is that the OP has no evidence of cheating yet that is the first conclusion he's drawing.

[mr.dream merchant]

Yeah I talked to her about it, and she called me a psycho, rofl...well deserved. Its not so much that I freaked out because she didn't text me for almost two hours. It just isn't her character to disappear like that without texting me. I didn't want to be a nag and blow her celly up with texts and phone calls so I just sat and did other stuff. But I started thinking about all the other things in our relationship that seemed kind of fishy - her UTI the first month we talked, her snatching the phone out of my hand, just dumb things like that. It made me paranoid as hell. The time away from each other right now is in effect. She said she didn't want to see me this morning and I understood. Just gonna do me today and maybe for the next couple of days. If NC is in effect to then its whatever. Right now I can't be angry at her for my insecurities.

 

Edit - She did know the name of the Company. I can't remember it lol.

[DEEPDOWNUNDER]

if your still feeling insecure... try boosting up your confidence by

a not very ethical method

dont see it as the BAD sorta stalking cos, she is your gf after all.

DO IT and then ask her questions which you know the answers for, if she replies honestly then youve got less worries on your mind..

worth a try dont u say ?

[LovieDove24]

Maybe its just me but I'd feel completely smothered if I couldn't go an hour without texting my SO. Why is this even a red flag for you? People need space, alone time...and often for much more than an hour free of texting.

 

Take it back a notch. I do agree with one of the above posters that it sounds as if you have a controlling bit in you. Because of this you probably want to do the exact OPPOSITE and pursue her (and the problem) more, but don't. I think some healthy time alone will help you reevaluate how important this situation really is for you.

[c-riouz]

You don't have a gut feeling for no reason, so there must be something to it. Not necessarily cheating or another man, but there's a shift in the relationship, a change in behavior that you observed, and that IS real, so it's natural that it causes insecurities when there's no communication about why that change has occured. And that's what seems to be lacking in your relationship, communication - which she doesn't seem to be up for. That alone is a really questionable behavior, as it shows that she does not take your concerns, worries and feelings seriously. Even if your suspicions are not justified - she could at least help you with those worries by explaining her odd behavior, and not contributing to them by acting even more suspiciously, as she's doing now. Case in point, her statement regarding the "no phone numbers of other men in the phone". Indirectly she has given you the answer what to look for - IF there is another man, you'll most likely find it saved under a girl's name, or a seemingly harmless entry like "grandma" or "aunt jenny". So if you know all her girlfriends, check for new names, or look for one of those seemingly harmless numbers, and which she's called or texted often lately. I'm not really advocating snooping, though, because on the hand I know how torturing the insecurity can be, but think about it: would finding NOTHING really give you peace of mind? If you found nothing, all you'd think is that she's hiding it well, and that you just haven't found it yet. Maybe she has a second phone you don't know of, maybe she's using a friend's phone....it's an endless vicious circle. In other words, no evidence won't give you back your trust, it just creates bigger distrust and an obsessiveness with looking for further evidence. So the problems I see here are her lack of willingness to take you seriously and solve this openly and honestly with you on the one hand, and your lack of trust on the other. Solve this, and the rest will be solved. Best of luck to you guys.

[samspade]

Right now I can't be angry at her for my insecurities.

 

Her behavior sounds fishy to me, and even if she isn't cheating, she is definitely withdrawing from you. If you have the gut instinct that something is wrong, it probably is. Reading over your posts, I don't think you are being paranoid. While you don't have evidence of any cheating, you DO have evidence that your girlfriend's interest in and respect for you has significantly dropped. She might be considering either cheating on you or dumping you.

 

We don't know this for sure, of course. But what we do know is that your girlfriend, who in the past probably would have slapped her mama for you, is now avoiding you, acting paranoid around you, and refusing sex from you.

 

Now, either man up and tell her that you are feeling crazy obsessive right now and need her to help calm you down... or take some time away from her if you can't get past this.

 

Yeah, that would be "manning up" all right.

 

Time away is probably the right move. She pulls back? You pull WAY back.

 

Or, if you really think something is up, break up with her. There is no need to turn into Columbo and investigate her every move when all that matters is her actions toward YOU, my friend. And right now, for whatever reason, she is treating you as second best.

 

Based on what you've posted, I'd say you're not being paranoid at all. She's being sketchy, and her behavior is beneath you. "Manning up" means being ready and able to walk away, at any time.