romantic Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 Well, not really, but I couldn't find the right forum to put this in, and this is the closest to what I'm actually feeling, so I thought I'd post this here. The love-of-my-life and I (been friends with her for two-and-a-half years, seeing each other exclusively for six months, getting married in three - by all accounts "the perfect relationship") haven't been as "sexually active" as we have been in recent months. Now there are a lot of good reasons for this - she's gone back to school, which is taking up a lot of her time, we both lead active lifestyles together (we enjoy being out and about with friends, working out, etc), and I have the capability of being (not that I'D ever admit it) a work-a-holic (though my job allows me the flexibility to work from home at night if I choose, so at least I'm home with her and my soon-to-be step-daughter). Both her and I respect each other's "situations" and know that there's not enough time in the day for EVERYTHING and that some things have to give. I have no problem with that, and she has no problem with that, at all. We've talked about it at length. HOWEVER, and that's a big however, I have noticed that she masturbates on a very regular basis - one or two times a day. She does not know that I know this, and I'm not going to get into how I know (don't worry, no secret spy-ops psycho stuff going on), but I know she has this "habit" (her school schedule allows her to be home for several hours everyday while I'm at work which is when she does it). I'm feeling a bit down because it makes me feel like she would rather be spending "quality time" with her plastic thing-a-ma-jig than with a big, hairy, sweaty man on top of her like myself... actually that does make sense now that I think about it, but I digress. But seriously, it brings forth several insecurities I have about my physical self, my ability to perform in the sack, and what feelings (or lack there of) she REALLY has for me sexually. Whether these insecurities are founded or not is the topic for another thread. The best and most sex that we've ever had was when we recently moved and her "little red buddy" was packed away. Her sex drive increased dramatically and everything was wonderful. Sexual utopia had been reached and I had gladly plucked the fruit from the tree. However, everything went downhill once she unpacked her friend. My question is, what do I do about this? Is this something I should even worry about? Should I bring this up with her? If so, HOW do I bring this up with her without making myself look like a complete psychotic freak (no really, I'm not...) that's keeping tabs on her masturbation habits? Are the feelings I'm having in regards to being insecure warranted in this situation or am I just over reacting and reading too much into something that is, in the grand scheme of things, harmless? Don't get me wrong, I don't care if she masturbates, I'd be worried about her if she DIDN'T as it's a completely healthy thing to do, but when it starts to detract from our sex life I begin to have concerns. Thanks for taking the time to read this (if anyone still is). I hope someone has some insight about what I should do. Romantic Link to post Share on other sites
Author romantic Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 Let me just add that when we DO have sex, it's wonderful for both of us. It's not the quality I'm questioning, it's the quantity, due to outside factors. Romantic Link to post Share on other sites
Author romantic Posted September 24, 2003 Author Share Posted September 24, 2003 You know, after thinking about it overnight, sex does seem to be a bit "flat" in our current situation. There's a bit of "I want to rip your clothes off and take you right here and right now" missing because of the "habit" she has. I'm not going to say that there's no passion, because there is - we're both very passionate people. However, there's a bit of (for lack of a better term) "horniness" gone... which is understandable considering she's "getting hers" a couple of times a day before I get home. Romantic Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 Does she know that you know about her vibrator? One suggestion is to share it with her - maybe come home early and surprise her and instead of acting shocked or surprised, get in bed with her and her "buddy". Your sex life is something you really need to discuss with her. Let her know that you have some concerns and that your feelings are hurt. Routines can be altered. Sometimes we find out things about our significant others that hurt us and if we keep it to ourselves we only cause more hurt. Communication is vitally important - especially when it comes to something as private and personal as your sex life. Before you develop performance anxiety, or before she does, talk about this with her. It might be a little embarassing at first, but just tell her that you are embarassed to talk about this, but that you love her so much you are going to bite the bullet and talk about your sex life. Maybe she is embarassed too and doesn't want to initiate the conversation. Also, sex changes and dwindles the longer a couple is together. That is natural, but it can be spiced up too, and spicing takes effort and planning on both your parts! Link to post Share on other sites
A random guy Posted September 25, 2003 Share Posted September 25, 2003 I don’t think your feelings of insecurity are unnatural. Men have large but fragile egos and it’s easy for a girl to break you down without even saying a word. However, I could be wrong, but I’m not sure the lack of sex is entirely your fiancée’s problem. This is both of your problem and if you’re not getting enough, you may want to look inwards to make sure you are holding the weight you should be. Women aren’t like us and you can’t expect them to turn right on when you come home. Women need a little more. It’s good that you find time to come home from your job and be with your fiancée. However, being with her and being with her are two different things. Nothing turns a girl on more than you spending time with them, talking to them, and just holding them. If you are home working and paying little attention to her, then you might as well be at the office. You need to be home and do these, dare I say, girly things to start her fire. You have to create the impetus to sex. You have to remind her why she loves you; emotionally and physically. When you have done these things…and not once a week…on a consistent basis, you will find it is much easier to turn her on and get it on. Hug her and kiss her often. The next logical step after hugging and kissing is, well, you know. You want to keep the fire warm all the time, because the more you hug and kiss, the more chances there are to move to the next stage. Sex for women, excluding those random hook-ups, is more emotional than physical. You have to tap that emotion to tap that ass. Second, I can’t help but wonder if you are doing it right…are you giving her oral? I only ask because the orgasm a girl receives from a vibrator is completely different from the one she will get from your knob. If you aren’t going down on her, you might want to start. Maybe she’s looking for the clitoral orgasm she rarely gets. If you do give her oral, then the next time you go down, ask her what to do. It may seem a little awkward at first, but you’ll find that it can be fun; not to mention the added bonus of figuring out what really gets her to cum. If you haven’t ever gone down or are a little nervous, there are plenty of how-to sites to get you started. Also, if you give her oral often, she will forget the vibrator completely. That is to say, even clitoral orgasms are completely different when derived from the tongue and from you. And lucky for you…if you do it right, they are better from the man. My GF says that orgasms from the vibrator are short and nice. They are controlled and that makes them predictable. I mean, which is better for you? When a girl polishes your knob or if you do it yourself? It’s always better when a girl does it. It’s the same for a girl. Sure, using the vibrator often can dull the man-derived orgasms, but I would venture to say that the problem is deeper than that. Finally, you really need to talk to her. If you are about to get married to this girl and spend the rest of your life with her, you really need to know that you can talk about practically anything with her. If you can’t, then you may need to question your preparedness for marriage. Sorry for the long response. But I’ve been through it before and I felt sympathetic. Remember, its never going to be all her or “little buddy’s” fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Calgarygirl Posted September 27, 2003 Share Posted September 27, 2003 Hey Romantic, If you're going to be married to this girl, then talk with her. Add her 'buddy' into the foreplay and have some fun. And Random Guy, whoever you are, you should be cloned! Never thought there'd be a nice guy online at all! It's funny how a man can be intimidated by a simple comment or object. I thought most women were sensitive about their 'size' of breasts and hips, etc. Men are a simple breed, granted, but they still have feelings of insecurity, even the cads! Talk to her, be honest and see how she reacts. It's may be nothing personal either, but you're taking it that way. You've also got to dig deep down inside yourself and find out why you're feeling that way. If you're feeling inadequate, it may have nothing to do with her, but triggered by her actions. Good luck with it. Hey, if you're going to share your life with this person, make sure your heart and soul are included. If you can't feel safe with this person, then drop it...find a soulmate you can trust. Slainte, D Link to post Share on other sites
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