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He contacts me every so often... why?


SundaeMorning

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SundaeMorning

Sigh, my ex and I have been broken up for about half a year now... after dating for 2 years and knowing each other for 3.

 

Long story short, our differences got the best of us, he had to focus on his priorities (school, work, financial situation, etc), he didn't feel it was fair to 'make me wait,' he didn't have the time/energy to dedicate to a girlfriend, blah blah blah.

 

Little did I know, he didn't have the time/energy to dedicate to this girlfriend. He's been dating someone else for months now... when I found out, my heart broke twice within my heartbreak. Anyway, after I found out he was seeing someone so soon after giving me the "gotta focus on me, gotta do me, my own stuff, blah blah" I was like OMG, who is this person? I don't even know him.

 

And in months of retrospect, I see more clearly where things went wrong and how we were not and are not right for each other. That being said, I can't STAND that I don't really have closure (does that even exist?)

 

He texts me at least once a month, sometimes twice... asking general questions like "How you been?" and "How's it going?" or bringing up things that has to do with my school or work. Because of my pride and not ever wanting to show how much he's hurt me, I'm like "Been great. Fantastic. Never better!" Stuff like that.

 

And I don't understand why he does it.

 

I can't bring myself to ask him to stop contacting me, because I know that's not what I really want. I like knowing that he's the one contacting me and not the other way around. I like knowing he thought of me, is thinking of me, etc... even while he has a gf. I'm to the point where a romantic reconciliation is out of the question... I'm not interested in getting back together. I just want to enjoy these tiny little victories.

 

But he hasn't treated me like a friend. After loving someone so much for years, how do you act like nothing happened and every so often ask me that casual "How you doin?"

 

Tonite, he had found something in his room I made for him and thought to text me and ask how I was.

 

WTF?

 

Why? Why does he care? If I said "I'm doing really ****ty," would it make a difference? What am I supposed to do? I haven't replied. Because I want to say a million things. Any advice?

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Sometimes I think they like to hold onto the notion that they still mean something special to you. It strokes their ego a bit.

 

I dated someone for a few months and we went through some pretty heavy stuff that made us closer. Unfortunately we lived too far away from one another and had to end things. He's been dating someone for a year and a half- and still contacts me a couple times a month. Sometimes he goes so far as to say he misses me or wishes things had been different. All I can think of is that I am glad I didn't stay with him, he probably would have been texting other girls behind my back too.

 

I am sure he still cares- but wouldn't rule out that he is stroking his ego or appeasing his own guilt about hurting you.

 

It's a good thing you are over him, or dealing with these texts would make it difficult for you. You talked about getting some closure... Just wondering what closure would look like for you. Do you feel you have something left you want to say to him? If so, what would you say.

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SundaeMorning

Thanks for replying.

 

Yes, I agree.. that's a prominent thought i've had too, that his text msgs/contact are a way to make him feel less guilty about hurting me.

 

If he asks how I am and I say "great," then that must mean he didnt break me.

 

Close, but no cigar.

 

I have a million things I want to say to him. I want to be able to express my thoughts to him without making it sound like I'm still pining for him or that I'm a bitter, angry, psycho ex-gf.

 

I guess I'd like to ask him if he knew he had this new girl to turn to when he

broke up with me. I know their relationship didnt begin while we were still together, but an emotional affair is still an affair.

If he consciously knew he would jump into her arms, and admitted it... ah, i would just know.

 

Whether or not I could handle the truth, I still don't like not knowing.

 

But more than anything, if I could avoid the topic of his new gf, I'd really just like to let him know that I don't feel he treated me with respect after the break up and that hurt more than anything.

 

I know mine isn't the only case where the guy throws out the "I really see us being friends down the line, I couldn't picture u not in my life..." but really?

 

It blows my mind how guys have that on-and-off switch. I read in another

thread that the dumper is over mourning by the time they break up, but don't spend all those birthdays and christmases with me only to reduce our contact down to random text msgs.

 

It feels crappy.

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I guess I'd like to ask him if he knew he had this new girl to turn to when he

broke up with me. I know their relationship didnt begin while we were still together, but an emotional affair is still an affair.

If he consciously knew he would jump into her arms, and admitted it... ah, i would just know.

 

You already do know. You just have a hard time accepting it. Stop answering his text msg's. Forget him.

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My situation sounds eerily similar to yours. I'm with a new boyfriend but in a weird way I used to look forward to the once in a blue moon hellos and how are you doings from the ex. I liked knowing that he thought about me from time to time. At first, hearing anything from my ex turned me into an emotional wreck for the day. I've gotten to the point where I try to avoid the random conversations, I figure....why bother with someone who doesn't care about my existence for 75% of the year? But, maybe I'm just bitter he stopped really caring about me.

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with regards to how you should respond to his txts, there is no "right" answer.

 

if you reply back, he may think you are "ok" with him - not angry, etc. he could be the type that can't accept people disliking him and needs the reassurance.

 

if you don't reply, he could perceive it a few different ways. on one hand, he could think you're hurt/angry. on the other hand, it might send a message that you don't have time for the games.

 

so far, you're choosing to reply, and you're making a wise choice by saying things are going well. however, you may want to be careful not to overdo it. by saying things are going "fantastic" or "amazing", he may perceive it as though you're "putting on a happy face".

 

if you choose to continue to reply but want his txts to cease, i'd suggest in your replies that you briefly answer the question, but not ask questions of him. if he asks how you are, say "things are great, thanks", but don't ask in return how he is. he should get the picture pretty quickly. it seems as though his txts are setting you back in your recovery, so choosing a route to end the txts might be helpful.

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don't bother answering the texts. don't bother worrying what message that will convey [he will be slightly peeved, or at least notice and assume you can't be bothered]. just completely move on from this guy.

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SundaeMorning

Aghhhhhh.. I'm told that I should ignore/avoid/not reply to these texts, but as most of us know, that's a lot easier said than done!

 

In response to me1234, thanks, I agree that there is no "right" answer. I usually reply with a "Good" or "Great" but I do consciously make sure not to be like "Omg, my life is amazing!" and I don't ask him how he's doing. I just answer his question and leave it at that. I don't ask how he's doing bc I know I'll receive the generic "Good, busy, etc" reply and at this point, it's whateverrrr..

 

So, I'm back in this thread 'cause the ex had sent the text about finding the thing I made for him and asked how I was doing... that's the text I didn't reply to... but I'd be lying if I said, since that day, I've been feeling a little bummed but mostly confused again. I feel like I make such great progress and then I get these little messages that set me back - that's normal, right? The healing process isn't supposed to be smooth sailing.

 

Okay, so that was last week and he just sent me another text today, mentioning that he had seen my old roommate on our campus.

 

WHAT?! who cares?!

 

I mean, I don't think it's the subject matter that I'm upset about per se.. it's just.... What? Is he NOW trying to form a friendship? Did he not notice that I ignored the previous text asking me how I was doing?

 

Maybe one of these days, I'll get so fed up, I can tell him to stop contacting me. But like I said b4, it's these tiny little victorious feelings that prevent me from doing so... He is apparently thinking about me (i don't care if it's not romantically, he's obviously with someone else), and without making it awkward, I'd like to call him on it and ask him what's up. How come I can't just do that?! Ahhh.. help! :mad:

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Aghhhhhh.. I'm told that I should ignore/avoid/not reply to these texts, but as most of us know, that's a lot easier said than done!

 

No it isn't. It's just a quick flick of the thumb.....

 

Look you're just being silly now, because you know there is a way.

You have to stop texting him anything at all.

You have to try to block his number, or if you can't do that, you have to stop reading his messages. Replace his name with "Just hit delete!"!

Actually, a good thing to do would be to respond to his next text with the following message:

 

"This is an automated message: You have been blocked from contacting this number."

 

That might bring him up short.....;)

Then if he tries to call you, hit answer and then disconnect immediately.

 

repeat as often as is necessary.

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"This is an automated message: You have been blocked from contacting this number."

 

Ah, I may try this myself....the next time.

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simple. get a new number :) i did, so everytime my phone rings, i know its friends and family calling to let me know that they want me in their life and care, and not my ex with their hidden agendas. its terrible running to the phone thinking "is that her? or "i hope its her". its their way of still having some 'control' in your life.

 

good luck :)

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Sometimes I think they like to hold onto the notion that they still mean something special to you. It strokes their ego a bit.

 

I dated someone for a few months and we went through some pretty heavy stuff that made us closer. Unfortunately we lived too far away from one another and had to end things. He's been dating someone for a year and a half- and still contacts me a couple times a month. Sometimes he goes so far as to say he misses me or wishes things had been different. All I can think of is that I am glad I didn't stay with him, he probably would have been texting other girls behind my back too.

 

I am sure he still cares- but wouldn't rule out that he is stroking his ego or appeasing his own guilt about hurting you.

 

It's a good thing you are over him, or dealing with these texts would make it difficult for you. You talked about getting some closure... Just wondering what closure would look like for you. Do you feel you have something left you want to say to him? If so, what would you say.

 

You know, It isn't always about ego stroking or appeasing guilt. It's hard to know quite what to do when you've dumped someone. Usually you don't hate them, it's just that it wasn't quite right for one reason or another. Often you'll even still quite like them and be concerned for them. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't contact a girl at all after you've dumped them, they think you really didn't care about them, but then if you do, you're accused of stroking your ego. If I dump a girl, I don't care about my ego with regard to that situation; it's not like they dumped me, so my ego is already intact. Often I want to know that they're ok, because dumping them wasn't about me not caring, it was more likely that we weren't neant to be a couple. But you never know quite when they're over you, or whether you're making things worse. It's not like the girl is going to honest about that.

Then after a long while sometimes a friendship can form. Is that so weird? I have a friend whom I dated over 10 years ago. We speak now and again, we are adults for crissakes.

I actually think in a lot of cases it just makes the girl feel better if she can put it down to ego or guilt, it's not the guy who's trying to feel better. Believe me, in most cases he already feels a lot better, because he ended something that wasn't right.

It's easier to paint a bad picture of a guy that dumped you than to accept that he's a decent guy who cares about the people he's known.

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It blows my mind how guys have that on-and-off switch.

 

 

Women have the on off switch too. Just as effective, if not better, than the the male version.

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