Financial Support of Parents and Other Drama

[Star Gazer]

This is in part a rant and may make me sound like a b*tch, but I cannot help myself anymore. I'll try to keep the background as concise as possible.

 

I come from a very humble background. My grammy moved in with my single-mother and I when I was 2 after spending her life savings trying to save the love of her life (her second husband) from cancer. Financially, she couldn't survive on her own after that. She moved in and became my caretaker, and my mother paid for everything. She never left, and my mother never married. My grandmother died in October, leaving my grandmother all alone. My mother is my only real biological family I have left.

 

Growing up (ages 2-12 or so), I can recall driving past big fancy mansions on the way to our tiny 2-bedroom apartment the three of us shared (think something along the lines of the "Slums of Beverly Hills") and hearing them say, "Oh, when Star grows up and becomes successful, she's going to buy one of those big houses for us to live in." At the time, I thought I would become successful and buy them one of those houses. At the time, it didn't occur to me to mind. When we moved to NorCal into a 1,300 square foot 3 bedroom house, I thought we had "made it." Boy, was I fooling myself.

 

As I went through my teenage years, I realized my true station in life. I was LOW-middle class. I looked at my mother and thought to myself, "I never want to be that way. Ever." I made a conscious decision to never find myself in her position - grossly overweight and broke. This encouraged me to work my ass off to escape that life. And I have. I'm just scared of getting sucked into it.

 

Now, my mother has some serious issues that stem from her own abandonment crap - she deals with these issues with food and money. She over eats to comfort herself, and spends money to express love. Growing up she'd buy me anything and everything I wanted, she showered me with trips and gifts. She spent money so easily on just about anything. I was too young and clueless at the time to question where the money was coming from. An adult observer would know - credit cards and other means of debt.

 

She did have a good job with the phone company for 30 years, but was forced to retire. Then she got another job with another phone company, and was laid off when the company's department she was working for moved out of California. Now, she's almost 60 and working a job that barely pays the mortgage.

 

I love my mother dearly, but my biggest fear in life is repeating the cycle. I envy children who want to grow up to be like their parents, as I want nothing more than to be her exact opposite.

 

I told her about 2 years ago that I would NOT have "her situation" turn into "my situation." That is, I flatly told her that she would not EVER be moving in with me, nor would I be supporting her the way she did my grammy. I told her it isn't fair - that it isn't fair that I work as hard as I do in order to help fix the financial problems SHE caused herself. This really upset her. I told her this only in the hopes of jumpstarting her to get her finances together. To improve her situation, somehow, someway. Because in reality, I DO help...alot.

 

So, about 25-30% of my net income goes to my mother. And I'm getting... tired of it. About 5 years ago when I was straight out of law school and making jack sh*t, it was particularly tough. Until the past 2 years when my income dramatically increased, there were times where I had to choose between paying her mortgage to make sure she and my grammy had a roof over their head, and paying my credit card bill on time. This obviously affected MY credit rating...which now needs a lot of help as a result of this. If (GOD FORBID) something happens to her current job, we're both effed, because I cannot comfortably afford to support us both without dramatically impacting my standard of living.

 

I'm not living the high life here. I don't live beyond my means, or even my portion of means. I have no debt other than my student loans, but those are pretty large as a result of law school. I do drive a nice car, live in a nice, well furnished apartment, wear decent clothes, and enjoy great meals at nice restaurants, occasionally pamper myself and engage in somewhat pricey recreational activities (like skiing).

 

But I have virtually no savings, and it's killing me to see homes on the market for sale at a fraction of the value from just 2 years ago that I cannot afford to buy because of my less-than-stellar credit rating and missing down payment. If my mother's financial condition were better, I wouldn't be worried about monthly expenses, and I'd be a happy homeowner. But as it stands, I have nothing tangible to show for what I've accomplished other than what's on my resume.

 

I suppose I don't really have a question. But does anyone have any words of wisdom here?

[sally4sara]

Wow!

 

That is a hard one. Part of me wants to point out the myriad of possible bullets dodged by the circumstances of your childhood that led to your chances of being successful. You had your grammy watching you and that meant you were safe from predators during your vulnerable years. You also didn't have to suffer a poorly chosen stepfather because your mother never remarried. These things allowed you to grow up into who you are and part of your success goes to that.

 

Your mother's choices do not all have to be your's. They also don't all have to be discredited. I'm sure the fact that your mother had not just a young daughter, but her own mother waiting in her non-posh two bedroom did put a bit of a damper on her dating life. You fear it would do the same to you.

 

The fact is, right now you DON'T have the down payment to get one of the homes you see. Getting mad at her about not being able to do it right now will do neither of you any good.

What you do have going for you is a great education and a good paying job. You won't have to settle for a tiny little apartment and you don't already have a child. I'm betting if you had a nice place with enough room that your ma and you aren't sharing bunkbeds, you can still meet a quality guy. If you're not paying her mortgage and you got a place with a converted attic or basement, it would be more like having a roomate. People with roomates have dating lives and meet their partners anyway.

 

I guess I'm saying I cannot absolve you to turn away from your mother, especially since she did right by you. I can see your fear, but your lot in life concerning your childhood was a walk in the park compared to many other people. You have only your mother to thank for that. I can't imagine wanting to be with a guy bad enough that I'd be willing to turn my supportive mother out on the streets to get him. I can't imagine a guy who would expect that of you to be worth anyone's time let alone yours.

 

P.S. I'm jealous of you for having the mother you had growing up.

[shadowplay]

This is a tough situation; I don't see any easy way out of it. While it's unfortunate and unfair that you have to support your mother, it sounds like she was very generous to you growing up and struggled to make you happy as a single parent. She's not lazy either. It's clear she's doing what she can to make ends meet.

 

I feel sorry for her. I too grew up with a mother who turned to food for comfort and was frequently overweight and depressed. I've often thought to myself that I would never let myself go the way she did, so that's definitely something to which I can relate.

 

It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for with the nice apartment, nice car, and money to spare for fine dining and cool activities. Give yourself credit -- you obviously have more to show for what you've accomplished than your resume alone. Many people don't have it so good. Enjoy what you have and try to save up, cut costs where you can. Maybe meet with a financial adviser about improving your credit, saving money and possibly investing (though this might not be the best time).

[curiousnycgirl]

Star -

 

Beleive me I know where you are at right now, and I only wish there was an easy answer. I have been "helping" my parents out since I got my first job at the age of 12. I was the only one of my friends with a job, but still never had any money.

 

The difference is that my parents live very nicely indeed. They have a 3 bedroom apartment just off Park Avenue - and even if you've never been to NYC you know that is a nice address. They also have a rather large car, which they keep in a garage (in NY that costs more than rent in some places) - etc, you get my drift.

 

For decades I was always bailing them out of some type of mess they had made. Give them a dime, they spend a dollar. ALWAYS. Finally I put my foot down, about 5 years ago, and said no more surprises! Let's look at your finances and figure out what you need each month, and that's IT. Needless to say within just a few months of this new arrangement, there were 2 surprises.

 

I was not able to buy a house until just a couple of years ago, and I could not afford to do it where I wanted to - I had to move out of the city. With the current economy, by total compensation just got cut in half.

 

I applaud you for putting your foot down in the way you did, however you will need to put further boundaries on your contribution to her livelihood, if you hope to get ahead. Cap what you are willing to give her each month. Make it an amount that allows you to live comfortably, and not feel guilty about not taking care of your mother.

 

With the economy in the state that it is in, I have just taken a HUGE hit to my compensation - I don't know how I am giong to be able to continue paying them and my own bills. So trust me I speak frome experience.

 

Good luck

[nittygritty]

Tell your mother that you love her but your not going to be giving her

25-30% of your net income anymore. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to do that.

 

Since her income barely covers the cost of her mortgage she needs to sell her house and move into something that she can afford. You have given her an ample amount of time to improve her financial situation and she chose not too.

 

You have to include saving for your future in your financial budget. You get to decide the amount of money that your willing to give her and only give her a set amount that you can easily afford to give, without having to sacrifice your credit or ability to buy a home.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sure the fact that your mother had not just a young daughter, but her own mother waiting in her non-posh two bedroom did put a bit of a damper on her dating life. You fear it would do the same to you.

 

I'm betting if you had a nice place with enough room that your ma and you aren't sharing bunkbeds, you can still meet a quality guy.

 

I can't imagine wanting to be with a guy bad enough that I'd be willing to turn my supportive mother out on the streets to get him. I can't imagine a guy who would expect that of you to be worth anyone's time let alone yours.

 

Actually, paying my mother's way has nothing to do with my love life whatsoever. I'm a little confused why you made that giant leap? I also already have a guy, who knows my/my mother's situation, so it's really irrelevant. I'm merely concerned about supporting her for the next 30 years, working myself to the bone to fix her mistakes. I'm growing resentful because of it.

 

I guess I'm saying I cannot absolve you to turn away from your mother, especially since she did right by you. I can see your fear, but your lot in life concerning your childhood was a walk in the park compared to many other people. You have only your mother to thank for that.

 

I'm not looking for absolution, nor am I going to stop supporting her. I'm tired of it, it's unfair, but I never said I'd turn her out on the streets.

 

I also realize that I had it easy compared to many people, but it wasn't a cake walk either. Every emotional scar I have is the direct result of my mother's actions.

 

She admitted to me that she had me in order to try to keep my biological father in her life (she tried to "trap" him), and when that didn't work she thought she'd continue with the pregnancy in order to finally have someone (a child) who loved her unconditionally. She did this because she never felt she was loved by a man, including her own father who also abandoned HER. She didn't have a child out of love for the child (me). That's how I've always seen it. And then to try to make the child love her, she made choices (racking up ridiculous debt to buy things/do things for the child) that the child is now paying for. That...angers me.

 

I'm not discounting the wonderful things she did, the support she's been over the years. I'm just really frustrated. It's only been the past 2-3 years that I've begun to see what a huge impact ALL of her choices - men, food, money - have had on me. Trying to correct her mistakes within myself is ... exhausting.

 

She's not lazy either. It's clear she's doing what she can to make ends meet.

 

This is definitely true. She has a very strong work ethic, which has rubbed off on me a great deal.

 

I too grew up with a mother who turned to food for comfort and was frequently overweight and depressed. I've often thought to myself that I would never let myself go the way she did, so that's definitely something to which I can relate.

 

My mother's food/weight issues are equally as stressing to me, really.

 

Beleive me I know where you are at right now, and I only wish there was an easy answer. I have been "helping" my parents out since I got my first job at the age of 12. I was the only one of my friends with a job, but still never had any money.

 

Thank you for understanding, C.

 

Truth be told, I've been contributing financially since I was 15 as well. I got a break in college when things were going well for her.

 

oQUOTE]I applaud you for putting your foot down in the way you did, however you will need to put further boundaries on your contribution to her livelihood, if you hope to get ahead. Cap what you are willing to give her each month. Make it an amount that allows you to live comfortably, and not feel guilty about not taking care of your mother.

 

That's what I was thinking - trying to put a cap on it. Right now it's a different amount each month. The pipes in the house burst last month, which was more money. I guess I'd still have to plan for those surprises.

[shadowplay]

Star -

 

Beleive me I know where you are at right now, and I only wish there was an easy answer. I have been "helping" my parents out since I got my first job at the age of 12. I was the only one of my friends with a job, but still never had any money.

 

The difference is that my parents live very nicely indeed. They have a 3 bedroom apartment just off Park Avenue - and even if you've never been to NYC you know that is a nice address. They also have a rather large car, which they keep in a garage (in NY that costs more than rent in some places) - etc, you get my drift.

 

 

Good luck

 

Wow, how can they justify living in such an expensive place when they need your financial support?

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow, how can they justify living in such an expensive place when they need your financial support?

 

My mother has an entitlement mentality. On top of thinking she is entitled she is also verbally abusive. Such a joy - deep heavy sigh

[curiousnycgirl]

Right now it's a different amount each month. The pipes in the house burst last month, which was more money. I guess I'd still have to plan for those surprises.

 

How you handle that is up to you. Pipes bursting is actually a reasonable surprise.

 

My surprises were things like they didn't pay their car lease, and my baby sister didn't realize she had signed as a guarantor so it was affecting her credit - that was a quick $2500. Or when they went down to the carribean and ran up $30K (in one week) on my aunt's credit card (they don't have any of their own because of their debt history) I came up with half of that - I think they are still paying off the other half.

 

So how you handle yours is up to you and depends on your mother. If you feel that she can "handle" it - give her a little more than she needs every month - telling her to keep it for a rainy day. If you know she will spend it, then you set that amount aside, knowing maintenance things will come up at her house. Make sense?

 

See in my case there have been times when they almost lost their apartment for non payment of maintenance - despite the fact that my uncle gives the the maintenance $'s - challenge is the rob peter to pay paul. I had to get them current on their maintenance and then I called my uncle and got him to start writing the checks directly to the management company. UGH so annoying!

[shadowplay]

My mother has an entitlement mentality. On top of thinking she is entitled she is also verbally abusive. Such a joy - deep heavy sigh

 

I'm sorry to hear your mother is like that. I hope, for your well-being, you continue to distance yourself from that situation and draw clear boundaries with her. I know the desire to win approval from your parents is strong, especially if that parent is critical and you never feel like you completely won her over, but you deserve better. Be good to yourself. Good luck.

[Enema]

Tough situation, I completely understand how you feel about wanting to make sure you don't follow the same path of debt and depression like your mother.

 

I had a similar situation with my wife. Before we got married I sat her down for the talk about her parents. I know she's asian and they often move their families in to take care of them when they get old.

 

I told her in no uncertain terms that neither her nor my parents or siblings would ever be living with us, nor would we be helping them out with bills except in an extreme emergency.

 

It's a rough conversation to have and a very difficult thing to hold your ground on, because desperate people make me feel guilty, but you have to do what's going to make you happy. You only get one life, I'm not going to waste it bailing out other people.

[sb129]

Hmm.

I have something to contribute to this but its not that helpful.

My brother is disabled as the result of an accident 12 years ago.

 

He has never had a job, and lives pretty well thanks to a great compensation scheme we have in this country, and from handouts from my parents.

He taps them for money alot, and I know they tend to give in from guilt and because they want him to have a good life despite the fact that its not as easy for him to earn a living (the way I do for example).

 

By doing this however, they have let him continue to be financially irresponsible, and he still asks them for alot... often at inappropriate times.

 

I tend to butt out of this, as it gets me wound up- not that I want any money from them, but that I wish he would learn a bit more tact and thank them for their generosity (ie remember birthdays etc) and that they would stop giving it out so much so that he could learn to manage money better.

My input isn't generally appreciated from either side, so I don't say anything about it much anymore.

 

Its a tough one....

[sb129]

sorry Star- not particularly helpful post, but the support is there from me anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

SG, I don't know what to say beyond posting my support. A helluva' situation to be in.

 

The cap idea is a good one. This way, if she's aware that's the extent of the money you will give her, she's forced to live within her income. It's frustrating when you try to be fiscally responsible but someone you love, continues to put out their hand. How do you pay back those years she supported you? Where does your obligation end?

 

Difficult indeed. Love and family are tough.

[Lishy]

Talking as a single parent who has to 100% support her son and the life we live and also help out my mum, as my dad died 3 years ago, I can relate to your mum more than you.

 

Things were tough in my house when I was young too as my dad had a drink and gambling problem and my mum had to go to work as a result and we had what we needed and not much more!

 

I do not think you should look down on your mum the way you are, you are a lucky girl Star and you do not know it. Your mum took your nan in and went to work to support you all, you have said that your mum bought you lots of things and I am sure she did this so you did not feel the level of poverty that you lived in, this is admirable and you whinging about how you are having to pay for it now is not so admirable!! Your nan being there created a stable home life for you and your mum paid the price.

 

Your mum gave you a solid foundation and helped you become what you are today and for that you should be grateful!! She put herself in debt to make you happy and she took your nan in rather then moan and say she had her own problems. Be it right or wrong that she did this, she did what she thought was right!

 

Your mum will die one day Star and then you would give everything you owned to have her back for one minute, be grateful for her Star and appreciate what she sacrificed for you. If you find yourself begrudging her, then don't give her any money! No one is putting a gun to your head are they? Tell her you simply cant afford it!

 

You have to walk a mile in someones shoes before you can judge them, and you have not walked one step in hers (lucky you)

 

I agree that you should better yourself, but you would not be here if it were not for her and you should remember that! Whatever her reason for having you, she loved you and provided for you in whatever way she had to. I hope you never find yourself in her shoes Star, it is not easy to be 100% responsible for your child!!

 

ps ... I hope my son is not so judgemental of me when he grows up!!

[Lishy]

Oh and on a side note, I am not attacking you I just see things from the other side. I am sure you are a lovely daughter and just having a moan about things but please appreciate your mum for who she is, warts and all, one day she wont be around anymore and you would give everything to have her back.

 

I bet if you had an accident tomorrow and couldn't work anymore she would have you back and would support you 100% all over again!

[Shygirl15]

I agree with Lishy 100%, however, like someone already mentioned, she really needs to start living within her income. Perhaps she should start by selling the house and move into a more affordable place. Mothers/parents do a lot for us, but honestly it's their responsibility since they brought us into this world. A good parent wouldn't expect any repay from their child for what they did for them, so do not feel like you HAVE to provide support to her. You need to lay out a financial plan that would save both of you. She sounds like a sweet mother who would do anything for her family, but frankly you also need to build your own life. She sounds a lot like my dad; worked his ass off to support a family of 10 children, and I do not remember being rejected something I asked for. He's now retired and constantly broke, but good thing all of us contributed $$ and bought him a house on cash payment, so at least he has a roof on his head. And we alternate sending him money every month, so it's not that bad.

 

Duh. This thread depressed me a bit. Really tough spot to be in.